Sir Michael Caine

“My name is Michael Caine.”

– Michael Caine on Michael Caine

Sir Michael Fucking Caine
Sir Michael defeating an axe using only his death ray eyes
Date of birth:	12895 B.C.
Birth location:	The A113, in a small caravan near the Garden of Eden
Date of death:	Impossible
Height:	Very
Notable role(s):	Jaws: the Revenge
Academy Awards:	All of them

“His name is Michael Caine.”

– Oscar Wilde on Michael Caine

“Hang on lads, I've got a solid hard on!”

– Michael Caine on Michael Caine

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

– Michael Caine

Sir Michael Caine, CBE (born Maurice Joseph Micklewhite; 14 March 1933) is a bad English actor who plays a young cockney in most films. He is noted for his many accents ranging from West London Cockney to North London Cockney, very occasionally East London cockney, but never South. Born to a man and a woman, he first began "acting" at an early age, appearing in amateur dramatic performances of The Italian Job. He was picked up by an acting scout age 8 and landed his first film role in Scrooge.

Caine and Abel

Sir Michael (by this time already knighted) was furious with God's general lack of direction and poor time management skills and sent him an extremely angry letter saying his position was in doubt in the universe, and if he didn't buck up his ideas he would have to pack up his stuff and find work in another universe. God was shocked, and killed Sir Michael's brother Abel. This required Sir Michael to travel to Newcastle upon Tyne to find God, who was at that time attempting to hide as a 1970s-style gangster. Caine framed God in a cunning move and thus God was exiled - leaving Sir Michael as King of all Earth and also founding father of the human race. Not many people know that.

The Life and Times of Sir Michael

Sir Michael has had many famous escapades that have, if anything, further enhanced his formidable reputation. Britain is the more favoured nation among deities such as Sir Michael, so he has often looked after the nation's interests - stealing Italian gold, promoting the Mini Cooper, defeating the Luftwaffe singlehandedly and fathering Austin Powers, though this is not common knowledge. He stirred controversy by challenging the entire Zulu Nation to a fight completely on his own, despite there being 'thousands of em' - leading to claims of genocide. Africans at the time were classed as animals, so accusations of genocide were quickly dismissed. Caine's actions allowed Africa to be freed up for the Gypsies, who now roam the plains of South Africa, and we all know that.

Occasionally Sir Michael finds the time in his hectic schedule to act in a movie, although this is rare. It is very likely that the movie you are currently watching on Netflix is based upon the life of Sir Michael (usually portrayed by Michael Fassbender) as he has been depicted in over 92% of all films in the known universe (and 67.589% of all media internationally). Sir Michael recently led the Conservative Party to victory, letting David Cameron play a minor role as Prime Minister. Currently Sir Michael lives in a small house in Surbiton, keeping an eye on his many famous neighbours such as Al Pacino and Jack Nicholson.

Not many people know that.

Rivalry with Sean Connery

Not many people know that Michael Caine has a bitter rivalry with Sean Connery, and that both were once friends. As legendary womanisers, they have had sex with most of humanity (although since Sir Michael is father of the human race this is a bit like incest). This buddy act fell apart when a trip to Central Asia went tragically wrong. Sean Connery went mad with power after he was declared Supreme Leader of the Taliban, then copped a cheeky digit in Caine's then-wife. Caine was forced to cut off Connery's head and throw him off a bridge in revenge. However, much like a hydra - Connery's head regrew and he continued, albeit with an inferior acting style and accent to the great Sir Michael.

Michael beating the living shit out of Sean Connery.

Sir Michael's Powers

Sir Michael's powers are legendary allowing him to accomplish feats many could only dream of. His super strength and martial skills honed over years of scrapping in East London mean he is one of the few people ever to best Ross Kemp in a fight. Although a mighty man on his own, his special powers largely derive from his legendary eyeballs - which mean women are powerless to resist him and he must wear glasses as often as possible (if he were to remove them it would release an invisible death ray, potentially killing millions). Sir Michael's farts smell of love, but tinged with the slight aroma of lost causes and regrets. His gooch secretes a special substance that, if bottled and drunk, gives a euphoric high that is usually too much for normal people to take - causing catastrophic dilation of arteries and cranial explosion.

Not many people know that

• Not many people know 98.5% of trivia about Sir Michael Caine.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael passionately hates all doors and apertures hence his Tourette's when he comes into contact with these items.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael can drink a mile of ale.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael hates Kermit the Frog.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael is in fact Batman and just pretends to be the Butler to fool any impostors.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has bench-pressed Chuck Norris.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael knows Victoria's Secret.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael loves Monopoly and has never lost a game, nor has he ever failed to get three houses on Mayfair.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael sees the world upside down.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael was able to write the script to Jaws: the Revenge in under a second.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael is the Godfather to every gang in the world.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael is in fact the Modfather and Paul Weller just stole the whole thing.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael created Rosetta Stone and can speak every language including ones that haven't even been invented yet.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael hates Bananarama, but loves Aha.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael creates all the trivia for Q.I. and Stephen Fry is actually his bitch.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael was the entire allied army in the Korean War. The only reason total victory was not achieved is because Sir Michael got the shits from a bad Chinese takeaway.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael is best friends with Alf.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael led a mutiny and became a pirate for over 50 years, teaching Somalians the art of pirating, as well as how to beat Ninjas.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Scarlett Johansson.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Whoopi Goldberg.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Spiderman, the Incredible Hulk, Superman and the Thing.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with every Ninja that has ever lived.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Oscar Wilde.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Kermit the Frog.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with a hole puncher.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with more people then Genghis Khan.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Central Asia.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Sean Connery.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with East Thurrock.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Barney the Dinosaur.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your mother.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your wife.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your sister.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your daughter.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your brother.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your dog.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with The Devil's Accountant.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your pet rodent.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with all of the above at the same time.

See also

• Actors
• Sean Connery
• Ross Kemp
• God