Sir Michael Caine

Sir Michael Fucking Caine
Sir Michael defeating an axe using only his death ray eyes
Date of birth:	12895 B.C.
Birth location:	The A113, in a small caravan near the Garden of Eden
Date of death:	Impossible
Height:	Very
Notable role(s):	Jaws the Revenge
Academy Awards:	All of them

“My name is Michael Caine.”

~ Michael Caine on Michael Caine

“His name is Michael Caine.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Michael Caine

“Hang on lads, I've got a solid hard on!”

~ Michael Caine on Michael Caine

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

~ Michael Caine

Sir Michael Caine, CBE (born Maurice Joseph Micklewhite; 14 March 1933) is a bad English actor who plays a young cockney in most films. He is noted for his many accents ranging form west london cockney to north london cockney and very occasionally east london cockney, but never south. He was born in london in 1945 to a man and a woman. He began "acting" at an early age appearing in amateur dramatic performances of The Italian Job. He was picked up by an acting scout age 8 and landed his first film role in Scrooge.

Early Life

He was born Michael John Caine The Great in 1948

Caine and Abel

Sir Michael (by this time already knighted) was furious with God's general lack of direction and poor time management skills and sent him an extremely angry letter saying his position was in doubt at the universe and if he didn't buck up his ideas he would have to pack up his stuff and find work in another universe. God was shocked and killed Sir Michael's brother Abel, this required Sir Michael to travel to Newcastle Upon Tyne to find God who was at that time attempting to hide as a 1970s-style gangster. Caine framed God in a cunning move and thus God was exiled leaving Sir Michael as King of all Earth and also founding father of the human race. Not many people know that.

The Life and Times of Sir Michael

Since then Sir Michael has had many famous escapades that have if anything further enhanced his formidable reputation. As of course Britain is the favoured nation of all dieties, in particular Sir Michael, so he has often looked after the nations interests stealing Italian gold, promoting the Mini Cooper, defeating the Luftwaffe single handedly and fathering Austin Powers, though not common knowledge. There has been controversy however as he bested the entire Zulu Nation on his own despite there being 'thousands of em' leading to claims of genocide. This is simply not true as African's at this point were quite clearly classed as animals and Africa needed to be freed up for the use Gypsys who of course now roam the plains of South Africa, and we all know that. Occassionally Sir Michael finds the time in his hectic schedule to act in a movie although this is rare and it is more likely that the movie you are watching is based upon the life of Sir Michael(usually portrayed by Michael Fassbender) as he has done over 67.589% of things there are to do in the universe and therefore over 92% of films are based on him. Sir Michael recently led the Conservative Party of Britain to victory although now pulls the strings of power letting David Cameron play a minor role as Prime Minister. Currently Sir Michael lives in a small house in Surbiton keeping an eye on his many famous neighbours such as Al Pacino and Jack Nicholson, Not many people know that.

Rivalry with Sean Connery

Not many people know that Michael Caine has a bitter rivalry with Sean Connery as both were once friends. As legendary womanisers they have had sex with the majority of people who have ever lived when combined (although since Sir Michael is father of the human race this is a bit like incest). This buddy act fell apart however when a trip to Central Asia went tragically wrong. Sean Connery went mad with power after he was declared a king of the Taliban and copped a cheeky digit in Caine's then wife. Caine was forced to cut off Connery's head and throw him off a bridge in revenge however much like a hydra Connery's head regrew and he continued in an inferior acting style and accent to the great Sir Michael.

Beating the living shit out of Sean Connery

Sir Michael's Powers

Sir Michael's powers are legendary allowing him to accomplish feats many could only dream of. His super strength and martial skills honed over years of scrapping in East London mean he is one of the few people ever to best Ross Kemp in a fight. Although a mighty man on his own his special powers largely derive from his legendary glasses which mean women are powerless to resist him and he must wear them as often as possible, becuase if he were to remove them it releases an invisible death ray. Sir Michael's farts smell of love but tinged with the slight aroma of lost causes and regrets. His gooch secretes a special substance that if bottled and drunk gives a euphoric high that is usually too much for normal people to take causing catastrophic dilation of arteries and cranial explosion.

Not many people know that

• Not many people know 98.5% of trivia about Sir Michael Caine.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael paasionately hates all doors and apertures hence his Tourette's when he comes into contact with these items.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael can drink a mile of ale.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael hates Kermit the Frog.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael is in fact Batman and just pretends to be the Butler to double fool any impostors.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has benchpressed Chuck Norris.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael knows Victoria's secret.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael loves Monopoly and has never lost a game nor has he ever failed to get three houses on Mayfair.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael sees the world upside down.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael was able to write the script to Jaws: the Revenge in under a second.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael is the Godfather to every gang in the world.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael is in fact the Modfather and Paul Weller just stole the whole thing.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael created Rosetta Stone and can speak every language including ones that haven't even been invented yet.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael hates Bananarama but loves Aha.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael creates all the trivia for Q.I. and Stephen Fry is actually his bitch.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael was the entire allied army in the Korean War and total victory was not achieved only because Sir Michael got the shits from a bad Chinese takeaway.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael is best friends with Alf.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael led a mutiny and became a pirate for over 50 years teaching Somalians the art of pirating and once and for all proved pirates could beat ninjas, although this may have been because of Sir Michael's presence.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Scarlett Johansson.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Whoopi Goldberg.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Spiderman, the Incredible Hulk, Superman and the Thing.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with every Ninja that has ever lived.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Oscar Wilde.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Kermit the Frog.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with a hole puncher.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with more people then Genghis Khan.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Central Asia.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Sean Connery.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with East Thurrock.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with Barney the Dinosaur.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your mother.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your wife.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your sister.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your daughter.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your brother.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your dog.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your devil's accountant
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with your pet rodent.
• Not many people know that Sir Michael has slept with all of the above at the same time.

See also

• Actors
• Sean Connery
• Ross Kemp
• God