Scrooge McDuck
Edmund Scrooge McDuck (also called "Tightwad", "Miser", "Goldfinger", "Spartacus", "Uncle Lina", "That guy", "FPS Kyle" and "Poxn") (June 14, 1925 - April 14, 2002) was a duck, and a tyranical CEO and corporate criminal who allegedly had a deviant obsession with money and small children.
Early years
Born the 5th of 3 children on June 27, 1867 in Glasgow, Scotland, Scrooge McDuck was to become the last hope of the once mighty, but at that time impoverished McDuck clan. Not much is known about his childhood in Scotland, but Scrooge appears to have been notoriously stingy miser from infancy. As a baby, he constantly refused new nappies as a terrible waste of good money and insisted on wearing the smelly old ones month after month. His parents dumped him in a seedy Glaswegian suburb as they could not stand the smell any longer.
Scrooge's older brother, Hooge McDick (who altered his surname to sound less ethnic) also gained some notariety in popular culture as the poster duck of 1970s sweaty mustache porn, after busting (heh heh) onto the scene in 1973 in "Two Wings and a Hooge Thing." McDick went on to record nearly 500 films before his death in 1979, ranging in topics from sexy teen comedies to sexy prison epics. Tragically, Hooge was gunned down in a cocaine sting gone bad. His grave was dug 14 feet deep rather than the typical 6 feet in order to accommodate his... erm... prominent feature.
Youth
Scrooge McDuck left Scotland for America in 1956, taking part in the Gold Rush with Charlie Chaplin and mining his first fortune (he found a diamond). He was a feared figure in Alaska and the Yukon Territory, his stinginess and smell frightening even grizzly bears. Scrooge McDuck shunned company and laughter. After mining gold in North America, he toured every continent solely in order to make more money. McDuck is notorious for his disregard of ethics, using every means possible to become richer, such as thievery. He ruthlessly exploited the natives while in Africa, destroyed thousands of hectares of rainforest in Brazil and started fires in Western China in order to sell wood for rebuilding projects.
Education
Scrooge was awarded a beer pong athletic scholarship to the University of Calisota, where he led the Calisota Cuackers to 3 straight drunken deathmatch championships, after being redshirted his freshman year. In his sophomore season, Scrooge set numerous school records, in which he passed for 6,793 yards and ran for 3, but his liver upped the ante with over 9,000 on rushing yards and passings. Scrooge graduated summa cum laude in 1961 with a Bachelors of Science in Alcohology, as well as a minor in Sex.
Scrooge then enrolled in the prestigious Yarvard University several years later in 1963, and earned a Masters in Brutal Anal after sleeping with an intern in 1966.
Foundations of a financial empire
When McDuck had acquired his first billion dollars in 1972, he bought a steep hill in Disneyland and built on top of it a gigantic concrete colossus called the Money Bin, in which he stored all of his possessions in small coins. He did so because of his habit of swimming in money. The fortress hill became the headquarters of his financial empire, and he began with his plan to conquer the world through greed and corpulence. McDuck's financial empire, named (imaginatively) 'McDuck Corporation', is based on gambling, extorsion, and an outrageous Scottish accent. It was during this time his alleged mafia connections emerged; he was particularly notorious for breaking the arms of those who owed him money. He later employed his three grand-nephews, Huey, Louie, and Dewey as his henchmen. Alas, a forth nephew, Screwy, chose a political career, and later became president under the pseudonym Bill Clinton. While never formally charged, Scrooge McDuck was well-known for practicing buggery and pagan rituals involving virgin sacrifices on every day that ended with a '-day". There have been many accusations of "inappropriate touching" involving Huey & Dewey, in true peculiar grandfather style.
The Disneyland years
Scrooge McDuck later became a plutocrat (along with Pluto) and Director of the Disneyland Federal Reserve, a post he achieved mainly because the Disneyland military dictator, Admiral Donald Duck, was his nephew. He later became a Tightwad, an honorary title for Federal Reserve Directors. He fled Disneyland in 2002, following an investigation into his role in several government no-bid contracts.
It would have been no big deal if he had not taken the entire Federal Reserve with all its money with him. Alas, he had. He then moved to Monaco after depositing all the money in a secret Swiss bank account in Zurich. He has been seen entering the vault of the Swiss bank in Zürich several times. Some claim he must bathe in money on a regular basis due to his rheuma. Others say he has used it to build a giant sex doll, with which he indulges in unspeakable shiney acts, such as scat. Uncle Scrooge is a dirty Jew, and shall no longer be mentioned.
Enron and the murder of a Dream
Oblivion
Scrooge McDuck is hardly ever seen in public these days. This has led to rumors concerning his possible death. Officials in Monaco, however, have reported of seeing a hunched old figure with a duck beak in the windows of the McDuck Villa. Despite the oblivion and secrecy surrounding its founder, the McDuck Corporation is doing better than ever, especially after the company laid off all of its employees in Disneyland in 2002, shifting its production into China. According to Forbes, Scrooge McDuck is the fourth richest person and the richest duck in the world whether alive or not. His fortune measures up to US $78 billion.
McDuck died suddenly at 6:03pm on December 10, 2009 aged 76. The cause has not been determined but his death is not being treated as suspicious.
Death?
Apparently Scrooge McDuck was still alive at the time of being presumed dead. The Liberal media printed off news papers claiming Scrooge McDuck passed away on December 10, 2009. Not only did the citizens of Duckburg belived in the false information but the whole state of Calisota did as well. When McDuck got wind of the false information he held a public meeting at Duckburg City Hall to clear up the misunderdtanding. During the meeting the media's plan to ruin Scrooge McDuck failed. The Duckburg newspaper hoped to devise a plan in which if Scrooge was dead McDuck Industries would callapse as Scrooge was the heart and soul of not only McDuck Industries but all of his other joint ventures he has invested in. Scrooge's reclusivness form the public was due to the lack of lost treasures which McDuck was prominant and well known for during the late 1980's and early 90's. The members of the Duckburg newspaper involved in the plot were arrested by Duckburg PD on December 12, 2009 and were sentenced to ten years in prison on December 14, 2009. On December 16, 2009 Flintheart Glomgold was arrested due to his involvment in the plot. Glomgold was sentenced to five years on Christmas Day 2009. Glomgold would get out on good behavoir within just two months but soon quickly went back to his evil ways against McDuck to escape his title of being the second richest duck in the world. Scrooge McDuck would begin making more public apprearances to avoid another incident like this. He continued building upon his wealth and maintained his title of being the richest duck in the world.
McDuck's Death
Scrooge McDuck died on September 5, 2010 age 77 from being shot by Flintheart Glomgold after being finacially ruined by the bad economy. Glomgold was arrested and sentenced the death penalty. Glomgold's last words were, "Ya hear me Scroogy now I'm the richest duck in the wo...zzzzttt". The legacy of Scrooge McDuck lived on in the hearts of citizens in Duckburg, Calisota still to this day.
Fun(?) Facts
- During a presentation at his nephews' school, McDuck allegedly ate the head of a young Negro duck. He is on record as having said that he has no idea why he did it, and apologized profusely.
- Scrooge McDuck was fired from his first job for being "too real".
- Scrooge's Money Bin currently has the largest supply of Dollar coins this side of the Giant Caterpillar.
- Scrooge has rejected the idea of pants, and enacts his ideals on his nephews. Through a loophole in the town's legal system, Scrooge cannot be arrested for indecent exposure. Many of the townspeople are reportedly uncomfortable with having to see his "well-endowed wang" every day. Finns are particularly appalled by his mode of dress, and often refuse to associate with him.
- Scrooge played rugby union for a short amount of time, despite his love of the game was asked not to play again after he kept stealing balls mid-game, rebranding them and selling them back to rugby clubs at inflated prices. He was also once a Majority share holder in Kooga Rugby equipment.
- The phrase "filthy rich" was first used to describe Scrooge's terrible hygiene. It was coined after a reporter stated that, in an effort to save money, Scrooge has not showered since the Dial Scandal of 1976, so not since he was like 40. Damn, that duck must smell.
- It is alleged that he once ate a whole pig alive, ironically, for Christmas Dinner.
- Scrooge discovered vast treasures from 1987-1993.
- McDuck found ali Bubba's treasure in 1990.
- Eventually lost his lucky number one dime in 1993.
- Subscribe to FPSKyle aka McDuck
Surgeon General's Warning:
Diving into a pool full of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck may result in bad breath, amnesia, and horrific, horrific injuries as exhibited below:
Proceed at your own risk or ingenuity.
See also
