Pluto

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Jelly Land

Pluto, with its penis censored.
Location	Somewhere in Space, Minnesota
Symbol	Planet
Sign	None
Type	Myth
Mass	2005 units
Origin	39 Spermember 0,0
Variations	Poop

Spoiler warning: The following text contains spoilers, including the fact that Pluto isn't really a planet.

“Why cruel fate why???...”

~ Pluto on no longer being a planet.

Pluto was a dog in Disneyland until it became a planet in 1930. That is, it was thought to be a de facto planet until it was discovered to be a dwarf in disguise in 1329. Also designated 29434 A DWARF, is the second smallest thing in the Solar System right after your penis. It is also the second largest dwarf in the dark forest, following Tetris. Originally classified as a lawnmower, it has also been classified as a planet. It is in the some thing called a kuiper Belt, or Van Allen Belt, or whatever.

Pluto is the only dwarf planet to have once been entirely owned by the Walt Disney Corporation. Walt Disney is actually very alive and owns parts of Australia and owns the drug smuggling country of Colombia. Pluto is currently owned by Kenny Mcormick. The first man to walk on pluto was Hugh Laurie. Pluto was a planet but is only now considered to be a dwarf planet because its limbs are disproportionately-sized for its body, like Tyrion from Game of Thrones or Johnny Bravo.

While Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson claims to only have designs on the planet as the location of a Disney theme park, disturbances in the Force indicate a far more sinister rôle in which it is to serve as a base for hostile takeover bids against other planets. Ohh and Just to point out Pluto isn't the only little dwarf planet ever to exist in the universe... ! Ceres and Eris also dwarves challenged over their size.

Pluto is clearly angry on Earth and is taking its revenge! Sun and Moon were of no help to Earth.

How Pluto came to be a planet

Clyde Tombwrecker, discovering that his money is taken, as Pluto is no longer a planet

In 1800, a man called Clyde created Pluto, a big rock that he would throw into space using a Hyper Combobulator. He threw the rock into space and asploded. Then, õäöü years later in 1799, Pluto, the rock, had been discovered by Clyde Tombwrecker, another guy you don't know. Thus, Pluto was discovered.

The name 'Pluto' had been given to the planet by Percival Lowell in 1905. The name Pluto was originally conceived as an acronym: Percival Lowell's Trans-Uranian Object. Unfortunately, Lowell suffered of dislexia and mispelled his own discovery. This gave rise to the wrong belief that the name had been given based on the Greek dog Pooh Two. It is wrong because Pluto is a dog and Pooh is a bear (also known as Ursa Major; Ursa Minor is Pooh One), therefore no dogs could be named Pooh, except for the Pooh-dles, which, not coincidentally, are a race of dwarf dogs.

Percival Lowell finally discovered the planet in 1916, and emailed his discoveries to the Intergal Arctic Unit. He was ahead of his time, because he didn't suspect that Al Gore delayed the invention of the Internet, and IAU never received his email. As a consequence, his nephew Clyde Tomboy received all the credits when he inherited his papers and published them in 1930. He also trademarked the name Pluto, which made him very rich and famous. In gratitude, he nominated Al Gore as the co-discoverer of Pluto. The Walt Disney Company paid Clyde royalty fees to use the Pluto trademark, but the money dried out in 2006 with Pluto's demotion.

How Pluto came to be a dwarf planet

Pluto, clearly upset after its demotion.

Considered "the annoying younger brother," Mercury was both the fastest and the smallest planet, allowing him to be what some would call a pain in the ass to his larger, lazier siblings. After much collaboration, it was finally determined that something was needed to put this bastard in his place. Thus came Pluto. Now Pluto didn't want to be the smallest. For half a century he managed to stay in the closet and keep his size a secret. But Insensitive astronomers outed him and forced little Pluto to admit it all. All was great between the Elite Eight after this point [although a new, catchy, alliterated name was needed to describe the now nine members (Note: due to much petitioning by Mercury, this would never come to be. Some suspect that this was because this illustrious and speedy planet had in mind all along to destroy, or at least dishonor, his newly acquainted kin)]. Now, Pluto had the role of the smallest planet, while Mercury still held strong to his role of fastest (there was some debate between the gaseous planets as to whether or not even this position should be taken from their brother, but Mars intervened, alleging that one slap in the face was enough for the time being). Unlike the moon Pluto also is not made of cheese. However, Mercury did manage to get the last laugh by pushing Pluto into the Kuiper Belt, which is a region inhabited by some of the planets' rowdy cousins. You killed Kenny!!!! You bastards!!!!!!

The next 76 years held nothing of excitement for the planets. Pluto did try to woo Venus once or twice, but the latter rejected him, saying that he was always so far away, and besides that, far too cold-hearted. Crushed, Pluto remained in his own dark corner of the solar system, never saying nor expecting much from the others. Uranus also deemed Pluto "the densest planet this side of the asteroid belt," which only increased the melancholy of the latter.

Mario Jumps from Pluto, clearly shown in this screenshot as a dwarf planet.

It was soon obvious that a mistake had been made back in the earlier parts of the century. Pluto was becoming more and more intolerable, what with his superficially morbid poetry ("My caps are but Ice" and "You would cry too if you were named after the lonely leader of the Underworld" being his most known, and, consequently, most made fun of), constant gray complexion and refusal to speak for long bouts of time. The planets, however, realized that they could not openly admit that they had erred so badly, and thus needed a sufficient reason (i.e. devising an easily violated bullshit law) to remove Pluto from their numbers. This came on a particularly gloomy day, when the planets discovered that for the past 20 years, Neptune had been rather distant from the rest. It was soon apparent that Pluto had, in a last attempt to win over the heart and toxic gases of Venus and your anus, literally cut in front of Neptune, bringing his orbit closer to the sun. It was the third planet, Earth, that first noticed this drastic offence, and although Pluto tried to correct it, claiming temporary insanity, his water-covered brother would not remove the charges. This was just the excuse needed, and in 2006, each of the planets sent his/her own respective leader to Earth to determine just punishment. Upon arrival to Earth, the leaders discovered that Oprah had already taken actions to have Pluto denounced as a planet, thus further aiding their cause. It was finally determined that Pluto would be demoted to a "dwarf planet." Pluto, in being handed this dunce hat of shame (along with a few well-placed whippings from Jupiter), tried to look at the situation optimistically, claiming that now instead of scum of the lions he was ruler of the ants. In truth he knew that regardless of title, he was, one way or another, just a little shit that no one much cared for.

According to the IAU resolution, there are three main conditions for an object to be considered a 'planet':

1. The object must be in orbit around the Sun.

2. The object must be massive enough to be a sphere by its own gravitational force. More specifically, its own gravity should pull it into a shape of hydrostatic equilibrium.

3.The object must of cleared its orbit unless it is pluto. Should it be pluto, it must not be Pluto.

Pluto fails to meet the third condition.

On the Dwarf Planet Pluto, there is a distinct species that is not indigenous. The Pluto Dogs have acquired a key attribute to their survival...magnetism. Due to the weak gravitational force that Pluto exerts, the Pluto Dogs had to adapt to keep from floating off into empty space. This magnetism is also a bug repellent that the government is hiding from production companies, but uses it for their own needs while on Mars.

Recent reports of timetravelers trying to bring Osama bin-Laden back to Pluto to destroy the other planets for banising pluto to be a dwarf planet have risen after the bee's have mysteriously disapeared and the search for the wanted comander as gone on for over 10 years now.

Pluto pownage

"When I was a kid, Pluto was a fuckin Planet! Wahhhh!!" (Little Johnny on his grade 1 Planet Project)

In 2006, the Planet Pluto was owned. (pwned)

This generated an uprising of Grade 1 children, who claimed that their first project was going to be on their favourite planet, Pluto. When told that the planet was being demoted to a "dwarf planet", they accused the Intersteller Assface Unicorns of prejudice saying, "Even Snow White accepted the dwarves!!"

Only one of the children was happy, because he had chose to go against the grain and pick the planet Uranus, however he quickly became the butt of class jokes and after snack time, the children were seen carrying his head out on a spike. When teachers tried to interfere, the children herded them into the gym and semi-stoned them to death with dodgeballs and other PE equipment. If you listen at night the children's cries can still be heard during Pluto's summer orbital period. In anger, Pluto took advantage of the fact that it was lo longer a proper planet by changing its orbit so it would crash into Earth, killing those who demoted him into a dwarf planet.

Physical characterararistics

Like other members of the Clapper Belt, Pluto is made of rocks, marbles, and pebbles, and is too small for humanity to see. It has an orbit so weird, it could hit Jupiter in a few years, and Jupiter could come hitting Earth. To avoid this accident, astrologists have canceled out Pluto's status as a planet.

Pluto is declared really really far from Earth and a bazillion light years away from the Sun, causing Pluto's placement in the Universe to fly into another dimension; luckily, nobody cares anymore, as Pluto is no more a planet. Pluto, and its moon Cheerios, which has actually grown in size (now oddly shaped like an inner tube), larger than Pluto is now, was declared a planet in 2007. The IAU (Intergalactical Assault Unit) declared Charon and Cheerios dwarfs in 2001. This made everyone happy somehow, since two dwarves together can be considered a full planet.

Many detail remained a mystery, until solved by Hercule Poirrot in 2015.

Appearance and Size

Fig. 1 Seen here is Pluto's layers. 1. Thick caffeine layer, 2. Ice Cream, 3. A big rock

Pluto looks like a big piece of feces, if viewed on Earth. Pluto mainly consists of big mountains and crappy stuff. Many people don't know if Pluto really is a planet, or a dwarf. It is unknown if Pluto is even real, or rather just some devilish optical illusion invented by Stephen Hawking. Either way, it is in the sky and it's small.

Research and analysis claims that Pluto's terrain is covered with either nitrogen, helium or poop*Show me the poop!Poop de scoop! (see figure 1.1). If so, Pluto's supply of on-ground poop will be completely drained by 2051. For some reason, the IAU has planned a re-poop mission for 2014, by sending astronauts on to Pluto's surface to relieve themselves. First, the astronauts will have to eat tons of food, but not take a shit for 361 days, the complete time it would take for an average rocket to transport from Earth to Pluto.

According to recent research done by the Intergalactical Ass Unit, Pluto has also been declared, in 2001, a heterogenic planet. Thus, may have a love affair with Venus, Uranus or even Earth. The Hollywood Reporter claims that their reporters are doing the best they can to uncover Pluto's love affairs.

Mass and Size

Fig 1.2 Earth (center) compared to Pluto (bottom right)

Pluto is notable for being small. Really small. It's small size, in Myth, comes from the penis size of Castratus, an ancient Greek god of sex. It is claimed that Castratus' penis was stolen by Nick Nolte. In order to punish Nolte, Zeus or whoever, sent Nolte to the astronomical plane, but there were snakes on that plane causing Nolte and the penis to be covered in snakes, creating Pluto. Then, Castratus did not have a penis, and is the namesake of the now popular term "castrate" and its derivatives. Very unfortunate on Castratus' part.

Pluto's mass or weight, however, has been declared to be "lighter than Bill Gates' creativity", as declared by a scientist. Sadly, the mass of Pluto will never be known, as Gates' creativity is too light to be weighed.

Atmosphere

What the the sphere of atmos that covers the higher parts of a planet of Pluto consists of is a massive amount of methane, urine, avocados and possibly even helium and oxygen. Methane, which is in Pluto's atmosphere massively, smells like fart, as fart and fart bubbles consist of methane. It is unknown where the avocados in the atmosphere have formed in, and why. Oxygen means that there could be air on Pluto, but as there is also a lot of helium, many astronauts may have to speak with high-pitched voices.

Temperament

Early in 1989, Tim Robins discovered that Pluto was a very angry planet. It seemed that all the other planets constantly borrowed Pluto's scissors and never returned them. That meant that the only cutting instrument that Pluto had at it's disposal were the plastic safety scissors that kindergarteners used. Naturally this angered Pluto to the point that it managed to boil it's own coffee using only raw unfiltered rage. Using this newfound power, Pluto managed to melt all offending planets until only 8 others remained (Pluto still being considered a planet at this time). Many innocent humans were killed because of this, and the Eiffel Tower was erected in their memory. To this day, NASA lives in constant fear of Pluto's rage, and has assembled a team of Supernaughts to duel Pluto in deadly combat.

Neptune-avoiding orbit

In 2001, thousands of people received the bi-monthly email newsletter sent by the Intergalactical Ass Unit. The newsletter claimed that Pluto avoids Neptune, because the methane in Pluto's atmosphere (and its extreme stench) causes Neptune's water to boil and become vapor. This makes Neptune look like a raisin floating in the breeze of space. As Pluto leaves, the water returns to Neptune, turning it back in to a water-covered planet again.

U.S.S. Enterprise had landed on Neptune during one of these crossroadses, and had been crushed once the water had returned to Neptune. Sadly, Pluto's stench had already killed the ship's crew. A rescue ship is planned to send to Neptune in 2011, to recover the survivors of this fart asplosion.

Soon when the planets 10,000 year anniversary party happens one of the other planets will have to awkwardly break the news to Pluto that they can't come to the party. This will enrage Pluto and they will then go on a 300 year rampage in which they will destroy several planets including septar3, boneropia, and Uranus(hah). The dander from the rampage will float to earth giving many people bad rashesand brain herpes.

Unfortunately, although Pluto will miss Neptune it will likely experience a change in orbit due to the proximity, resulting in the likely collision with earth and destruction of mankind. I wonder what the first intelligent beings to evolve on earth will think of their new 2 moon planet.

Pluto Conspiracy

Scientists have questioned the decision, citing that the real reason for Pluto's demotion was because it was destroyed by the Death Star, after Princess Leia provided the location of the Rebel base. They claim that its demotion was a cover-up so that everyone would eventually forget Pluto, thus no attempts to colonize it in the near future would be made.

Conspiracy theorists continue to debate whether Pluto is actually a planet, or a star, with some still convinced that the planet is actually Morrissey's ego, developed to such a scale that it has left the atmosphere and now orbits the Sun. However, tests from the planet have shown no conclusive evidence - it seems Pluto is cold and lifeless with no star like quality. Morrissey conspiricists are quick to point out that this fact only confirms the theory.

Morrissey was unavailable to comment.

Some Theorists believe that pluto may be an alien "Death Star." Scientists cannot prove this because the only available pictures that we have of pluto have less pixels than the first mario game.

The War Between Pluto and Charon

View of the battlefield.

Charon, Pluto's neighbor, is currently at war with Pluto about who is bigger. This is highly regarded as the biggest penis contest of all time. Since Pluto is owned by Walt Disney and one single scene is viewed again and again and again and again and again.... GASP! It looks very small. However, NASA pictures have confirmed that since Pluto is a series of scenes put out on a blanket, Charon IS bigger. But still they have begun to kill each other through angry mops, angry mobs, puns, guns, buns and fun. YAY!

Some scientists claim that Charon is in fact Pluto's wife and, as is common with wives, is tugging on him to take him several steps backward many times on each orbit around the sun. Some claim she may be the reincarnation of Marie Antoinette but this remains unproven.

One day some like fucking MASSIVE planet like Jupiter will come over and say, "OK, YOU'RE BOTH FUCKING TINY, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!".

Pluto is, naturally, suspected to be made of pie. Pluto is also very obese, unlike Mercury, which does press-ups daily. The heat from the Sun also helps melt away pounds.

2nd Theory Pluto and Charon once also came from a distant planet called "Cybersex", disguised as giant robots with lubricant as piss that wished to quote: "Bug the f[censored]ing shit out of the sun". As a result, Pluto was evicted by possessed Scientologists for paying the Sun in monopoly cash. Reasons also for eviction were Pluto and Charon constantly had fights, were illegal marriaged as gays, and picked on Iou, a purple moon--at which they were sent to Jail by Spike Lee for hate crime. When Pluto and Charon got out, they transformed into toasters, and are heading to Earth to make Spike Lee pay. They are expected to be here by year 2089.

Impeachment Era

Pluto fans who want to save its "planet" status borrow marketing techniques from other organizations.

Although most of the planets are quite content with their decision to demote Pluto to a state of dwarfdom, some are now annoyed by Mercury's re-instated arrogance. At the same time, a few subsidiaries of Earth have started to protest this decision, having been infested for a few thousand years with the idea of "Justice" (a concept, ironically enough, first philosophized by Plato, which kind of sounds like Pluto). Others claim that Venus should suffer the same fate, having violated the inter-planet relationship laws over the past few years, by allegedly maintaining rather scandolous relationships with both Mars and at least three of Jupiter's moons.

It is commonly known that when Venus's own toxic gases mix with the distance and coolness of other bodies, a strangely idiosyncratic substance, "life," is formed [note: sometimes, if the affair was short-lasting (i.e. Mars wasn't as great a "warrior" as he thought), only the primary stages of this substance, or "water," are present]. Although no definite evidence has yet to be found incriminating Venus, Earth is, out of relative jealousy, very quickly sending probes to the locations of her lovers in hopes of finding either of these two dirty, dirty chemicals. As for Pluto, he's still lumbering along in his typical, pseudo-elliptical fashion, staying out of the way. And the other 8 thank him greatly for that.

Further, Pluto was unable to produce a birth certificate to prove it was born in this solar system. Neptune once called it a "bastard mutt rock!", setting off a firestorm of controversy.

Pluto's Natural Resources

Pluto's one major natural resource is pluto-nium, which is a non-radioactive, life-giving magical substance that makes you grow all of your hair back (or is that "hair on your back"?). It also specializes in math and hamsters. But since it is mined on a planet owned by Walt Disney and Darth Eisner, it has been used in so many cartoons that its originality has been destroyed, making it unsuitable for exportation.

Uses for Plutonium

Pluto-nium, with its ability to grow hair, makes it suitable to kill Darth Vader, who hates hair. It can also help you cheat on your math tests. It is especially useful for those who forget their flashlights at camp because Pluto-nium makes one glow in the dark.

Politics

This is what Pluto could have looked like if only our wishes were rhinestones.

The political structure of Pluto is highly complex, and only scant information has been made available by time travellers who have visited the "planet" in the future. However, it is known that the insignificant little ball of rock will be home to several influential lobby groups some time after 2010, when George Clooney's smugness will become so great that a wormhole will have to spawn somewhere in the Kupier Belt for the universe to remain profitable. Following a brief but gloriously violent invasion of the Pluto-Charon binary planetoids, alien civilisations will establish the League of Meateaters as a liaison between themselves and humans, as well as funding the campaign headquarters for Paris Hilton's successful bid for the White House in 2013. Pluto received a clone of "Doub-O" as a present from Neptune (after Neptune heard about Pluto's demotion).

For some odd reason Pluto and Neptune cross over their orbits every once in a while so Pluto is closer to Earth at one time and farther away at another. This was but one reason to downsize Pluto to Dwarf Planet status, but it also allowed Illegal Immigrants from Neptune to cross over into Pluto by just jumping off Neptune into Pluto as they crossed paths. This formed the Neptunian Nation and the Naptunia Party on Pluto.

Vacations on Pluto

Some foolish people have tried to go on holiday to Pluto and discovered that jumping up and down 'til you fall over is a useless way to get there; clearly you can only get to ur-anus by doing that (and that just herts). One person managed to jump out of an aeroplane with a rocket strapped to his back, but this only served to cause him painful spleen damage.

An example of a house on Pluto.

Pluto is extremely hot, though, so anyone actually reaching it would instantly boil away into goo, thus leaving a tasty treat for llamas, which are the only animal to live on Pluto at this time.(except for caribou, they live there under artificial means(see Outernet))

Often, when people sail to Pluto to go on holiday there, they mix the planet up with the dog, and are even surprised when it starts barking at them when they try to find a hotel in this dog. This is especially so if they choose an undesirable location on the animal. They instead have sailed to Disneyland.

Rockets don't reach the Dwarf Planet Pluto just yet, they can barely reach our Moon. While working on the problem NASA decided to make some telescopes in space to look at Pluto to find a way to get there better. They discovered that Pluto had Five Moons, they also noticed a Morse Coded message from Pluto that read "Dear NASA, Your mom thought I was big enough!" as Pluto had Mooned NASA Five times with each Moon. But because of endless wars in the Middle East the USA cut funding to NASA, and it is up to Virgin Galactic and SpaceX to develop rockets to reach Pluto. One Dutch billionaire came up with a plan to reach Pluto called Pluto One, using a Hemp Powered Rocket it would reach Pluto in 20 years but it would be a one way trip. The smoke would bake the brains of the travelers and they would live out their days on Pluto looking at stones.

Revenge Of Pluto

It’s been almost 500 years since the "Intergalactic Cancel" (also known as the IGC; conceding of mainly the other planets, the sun, most comets, most Asteroids, and your mum who’s fat enough to be a planet) demoted Pluto from Planet to Dwarf Planet and Pluto is getting pissed. He's spent the last 500 years up in the Kuiper Belt and the Oort Cloud gathering an allegiance with other 'Dwarf Planets', aAlians and other unrecognized space objects. Earth, head of the IGC, has been in civil conflict for at least 450 years. This conflict has left their defences wide open for attack and Pluto snapped on this opportunity.

Plutos attack battle plan aided by aliens from other solar systems

In the year 2486 Pluto launched the supersonic light speed meteoroid army towards earth and is expected it collide by the year 2499. Since Earth has been in conflict for most of these 500 years their communication systems have not been up to scratch so they will not have a warning to the upcoming event. The main source of this conflict can be found at the moon who has been conspiring against the earth for Pluto. The Moon was sentenced to death in 2450 and will be executed by the sun in 2500.

The Dwarf-Midget Wars

After Pluto was declared a "dwarf planet" by the Astronomical Society, midgets began heavy protests because there was no "midget planet" for them. A series of skermishes developed between dwarfs and midgets, but it appears that the dwarfs had the upper hand because midget suicide bombers could not pack enough explosives on their tiny bodies to do noticeable damage.

The Plutonian Empire's Opinion

The Plutonian Empire, which is an empire whose capital is Pluto, actually decided to make their records straight. They simply made earth a giant planit, and pluto a normal planet. pluto, on the other hand, is planning on swallowing them up and attacking earth herself.

Famous Plutonians

• Tom Cruise
• Plato
• Rage against the machine
• Kurt Gödel
• Goofy (planet)
• You
• Hank Hill

See Also

• Pluto (mythology)
• Plutonium
• Disneyland

Note

Actually, It looks like an oversized wolf, except it's only the head, extra round, and real sad.