Ursa Major
*walks up to the front*
*shuffles papers*
Ursa Major, also known as the Big Dipper, is a big fat bear in the night sky. It is a huge constellation in the sky, making it one of the most important ones out of the eighty-eight alleged constellations in the sky. It is the brother of the little bear of the sky, sometimes called Ursa Minor, which just happened to be the gifted kid out of the Ursa family.
Ursa Major is often known for its crazy brightness, sometimes called magnitude, in the night sky. If you were to go outside during the night, there's a high chance you would see it.[1] Its name roughly translates to "The Big Bear", most likely because of how bright it is. It's darn big brightness deeply helps about its little cub bear constellation, as that constellation contains the North Star, which, just so happens to be aligned perfectly north. For those who don't know, the sky rotates around the Northern point, so having a star that's aligned practically perfectly north is slightly useful.
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Next slide, please.
Characteristics[edit | edit source]
Ursa Major is notable for being the third biggest constellation in the sky, only behind a snake, and a constellation that occurred after a drug experiment where a cat drew a line through the sky and called it a constellation. The cat was sent to HR[2] as it spoke English for the first time. But that's not important to the story after all, you want to learn about how there's this big-ass bear in the sky!
Ursa Major, as stated before, takes the shape of a bear. The brightest part takes the shape of a frying pan; however, many different cultures have taken it as a cart, a man, a bunch of foxes, and a pregnant woman lying on her bed.
If you buy from the store a 30$ telescope,[3] you may be able to see several other galaxies besides ours, with the most famous galaxy "inside" Ursa Major being the Pinwheel Galaxy. You may be asking yourself, "Why is there a galaxy named the Pinwheel Galaxy?" The answer to that question is straightforward:
- We don't know.
- We will never know.
- We don't know.
- We still don't know.
We also got some news from our scientists, who said the following:
- We don't know.
Mythology[edit | edit source]
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Not much is known about Ursa Major's past, although it was stated by one famous know-it-all nerd called Ptlomey that in his book called "Pltomey's Know-It-All Thingymajingys", what happened was:
"Somewhere, potentially around 200 BC, famous writer Potlemy killed a father bear, cut off the penis of the little bear, called Zeus using his phone, and said to him this:"
Although this story is widely believed to be true, scientists, nerds, geeks, flat-earthers, globers, master baiters, masturbaters, your mother, and that homeless guy on the street still dispute about the accuracy of this claim. Scientists say that Ptolemy actually lived, hiding in a bush so that Zeus couldn't see him, and later throwing a man into the sky. Your mother says that you should get out of your room and find a job.
Aliases[edit | edit source]
As previously stated, Ursa Major has had several other names, those being:
- The Big Dipper: Represents the big 7 stars, kind of looks like a frying pan.
- The Man's Cart: That's what they call Ursa Major in Ancient Norway.
- The Wagon: That's what it was called in Europe during the Middle Ages. I kind of see the similarities? But its pretty different. Much more believable than a bear, though.
- The Pan I used to kill a man a day ago: That's what I called it. It's a shame nobody calls it that!
Does it exist?[edit | edit source]
Despite all that has been said, there have been claims that Ursa Major isn't a real constellation, and rather a hoax created by the government to... uh... do... something.
Proofs[edit | edit source]
- You'll most likely see it when you go outside.
- It's always in the night sky, as long as you're in the right areas.
Counter-arguments[edit | edit source]
- Nobody goes outside anymore.
- Allegedly, according to an ancient Roman writer, the entire constellation disappeared one night, and then an earthquake hit Rome one day. Then his wife became pregnant.
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ As long as you don't live in the Southern Hemisphere
- ↑ Humane Re-education
- ↑ It's cheap because we bought it from a cocaine addict
And that's it![edit | edit source]
