Aries
Aries[1][2][3] is a constellation in the autumn sky of the top hemisphere, and in the summer sky of the bottom hemisphere. It is a zodiac constellation, meaning that people born during a certain time of year are logically affected by this collection of billions and billions of stars that are anywhere from just a few trillion miles away (practically in Earth's back yard) to several billion parsecs away. The symbol for Aries is[4] a ram, signifying the vague shape of a pickup truck represented by the brighter stars in the group. If you are unable to see this vehicle hanging up there in the sky, know that old people saw it a really long time ago, meaning that they must be there. People born under the influence of this sign, between March 21 and April 19, typically exhibit many of the same qualities, such as breathing, requiring food approximately every eight hours, and being roughly symmetrical.
Notable deep space objects[edit | edit source]
Several entities in the region of the sky defined by Aries have been designated by astronomers as being "cool". When asked what specific qualities rendered these objects interesting, however, they were unable to consistently define any one characteristic.[5]
Bright stars[edit | edit source]
Three bright stars define the constellation of Aries: Aries A, Aries B, and Garrett. These three stars in combination are often used for navigational purposes, as they are the only three stars in the sky to form a triangle. The vernal equinox is located in Aries, and is most often described by astrologers as a ravenous sky beast that periodically descends from the heavens to consume human souls. Other fun things in Aries include many double stars of the same color, since Aries was the first constellation to rule that the ban on same-color spectroscopic binary systems is unconstitutional.
NGC 772[edit | edit source]
Nifty Galactic Catalog Object #772 is a spiral galaxy. It features a prominent bulge, which has led to criminal exposure charges on more than one occasion. NGC 772 is approximately twice the size of the Milky Way Galaxy, although Yo Mama jokes sent at the speed of light take over a hundred million years to reach it. It is 7.2 by 4.2 arcminutes, meaning that its surface brightness (magnitude 13.6) is significantly lower than its integrated magnitude.
Other things warranting mention[edit | edit source]
- Meteor showers The daytime Arietids are perhaps the most confusing meteor shower to happen regularly. These meteors occur during the day, they fall upwards instead of down, and many have trouble remembering things like their grandchildren's names. The maximum rate of these meteors is about 54 per hour, although it is not known with any accuracy owing to the large amount of other things existing in the daytime sky. Also, most astronomers are too embarrassed to admit they are trying very hard to see into a shower.
- Planetary systems Several exoplanets have been discovered orbiting stars in the region of the sky defined by Aries. Scientists have determined that eight out of the ten discovered planets are better than the Earth, and three have atmospheres of poisonous chlorine gas. It is not known if intelligent life exists on any of these planets, but if it does, it is likely keeping quiet in order to avoid getting dragged into an awkward interplanetary conversation with us.
Astrological significance[edit | edit source]
The zodiac sign of Aries is[6] male – thus nearly 51% of all Aries are in fact male – and approximately one in every twelve males is born during Aries' influence. Aries are most concerned with natural "Aries matters", such as family, health, activities, sleeping, respirating, and being alive. Being the first sign in the zodiac, Aries falls under the influence of the planet Mars.[7] being sufficiently far away as to have a gravitational force on humans equivalent to that of a small potted plant ten feet away).
Incidentally, ram horns are most effective at alerting other drivers when driven by an Aries.
Associated traits[edit | edit source]
Half of all Aries are by some parameter below average.[8] Collectively, they fill a broad spectrum of happiness during good times and sadness during periods of difficulty or personal anguish. Sometimes requiring corrective lenses, Aries may or may not be musically inclined.
- Characteristics considered positive: easygoing; hardworking; possession of communication skills including speech; capable of self-locomotion; excessively outgoing; interested in sporting events, technology, or the legitimate stage.
- Characteristics considered negative: tendency to procrastinate; too playful; flammable; extremely shy; tendency to bleed when prodded or poked; inability to perform intensive mathematical calculations by hand; excessively worrisome; vulnerable to mauling by bears and other large predators.
Physical traits[edit | edit source]
Male Aries are typically taller than female Aries, and are thus better at basketball but worse at walking through doorways. All Aries typically are born with around four limbs, and may tend to appear pinkish and doughy for the first few years of life. Tending to increase in size during each of the first twenty or so years of life, those born under the sign of Aries are usually blessed with a protective covering.
Notes and references[edit | edit source]
- ↑ "AIR eez", plural Aries ("AIR eez")
- ↑ singular possessive Aries' ("AIR eez")
- ↑ plural possessive Aries' ("AIR eez")
- ↑ or isn't (AIR eez IZZ, AIR eez IZNT)
- ↑ Astrologers generally concede that
there are no actual labels up there, nor visible lines. - ↑ Ibid.
- ↑ Jesus' explanation, like Aries', is less credible than
Hippocrates's (huh POCK ruh tee zizz) and Pythagoras's (puh THAG uh russ sizz):
extra syllable (and s) unless a vowel precedes the s. - ↑ Fortunately, the other half are not.
