The Orbital Resonance Ratio of Jupiter's Largest Moons
The orbital resonance of Jupiter's three largest moons is a ratio of roughly 1 : 2 : 4 (from smallest to largest). This figure was established by Dr. T. Jacobson, and at roughly the same time by the Pope. They disagree on the precise figure. Scientists and religious free thinkers seem unable to compromise their positions on the matter and have thus become slight enemies and rarely invite each other to their birthday parties. As the debate rages on, passers by quickly forget just what it was they were supposed to care about. They usually go home and have dinner with their family with FoxNews on in the background or maybe an MP3 play list of songs mostly by the Beatles.
The image to the right shows Jupiter's moons visible through infra-red cameras. Ganymede is said to taste like cherry while Europa has a bitter and sour taste. Io is flavourless and less crunchy than the other two.
The scientific community[edit | edit source]
Dr. T Jacobson and his team of sleepy scientists who blink a lot measured the size, movement and distance of the three moons and wrote down a lot of numbers about them. After several working lunches with toasted ham sandwiches and water from the drinking fountain they solidified their findings: that the resonance ratio of Jupiter's largest moons is 1 : 2 : 4 They published in two mediocre physics journals while having a quick break, drinking out of juice boxes and taking a power nap on their desks. They have not yet been invited to present their research by any conference selection committees, not even at the Conference for Banal Astronomical Discoveries in Nicaragua.
The Vatican[edit | edit source]
The Pope was in a deep sleep and awoke to find the son of God (known as Christ or by some as Jesus) standing close to him. Jesus told the Pope to stay calm and listen carefully. The Pope urinated all over his bed and was unable to move. Jesus told him that was okay and would send an angel to take care of the soiled bed linen.
Jesus then relayed the orbital ratio of the three largest moons of Jupiter and told the Pope that this information was the 12th and final testament from The Lord to Mankind. The Pope then asked, "Wasn't Muhammed the final prophet of God ... you know, God's last testament?" Jesus responded: "No, my child. This information about Jupiter's moons is Our final revelation, and you are the prophet of it." Without any warning, he blew a kiss to the Pope and disintegrated into the non-existence whence he had come.
The Pope summoned an altar boy and then dictated the information while licking the boy's ear and fondling his thighs. The information was published by a Papal Bull and all bishops and cardinals were expected to dictate the information to their own altar boys and spread the word at Sunday mass. The official Papal Ratio is 1:2:4 and cannot be questioned. Disagreeing with the divine figure risks excommunication and in some countries, an exorcism.
The Mormon church[edit | edit source]
The Mormon church lets Mormons decide for themselves about all things science-like. Brother Peter Mayhay, the unofficial leader of the "precise ratio" posse, believes the ratio is exactly 1 : 2 : 4 with no decimal places (as in the ratio 1 : 2.1 : 4 is a physio-cosmic impossibility and therefore a sin if you believe it). Peter, husband of six teenagers and a respected horseshoe enthusiast, believes Jupiter is special, and that its main moons could have only magical properties. A tolerant man, Peter allows his wives to give their differing opinions. They all agree with Peter.
The Sunni Muslim faith[edit | edit source]
Sunni astronomers in Damascus analysed early findings and calculated the ratio at 1 : 2 : 4.00002. They theorised that gay men and their marriages were probably responsible for the slight deviation of a perfect ratio and denounced these practices as anti-cosmological and the Satanic work of Zionist man-to-man kissing crusaders. They are preparing a rocket full of suicide bombers destined to the moon Io in hopes that a large detonation on the surface will kick it back into its proper orbit. The launch is expected to be given the green light as soon as the Syrian government buries its entire population.
Guru Panepehetana's position[edit | edit source]
Guru Manadalajabad of Calcutta, famous for his spirituality and scientific genius, refused to waste time on the matter. He believes that his own opinion is not important and occupies his time by finding dead corpses on the street and burning them to avoid cholera outbreaks. He released a statement when pressed for an official position: "Most of the people here use elephant waste for fuel and boil rice once a week if they are fortunate. I think picking fleas out of peoples groin is more important. What the goddamn hell does the god damn ratio of a bastard moon have to do with our social and spiritual progress? You god damn fools, any stupid idiot can clearly see that the ratio is dynamic and can change depending on the gravitational force of the Sun and Saturn and a precise ratio can never be given. Now either donate money to my orphanage or stop sending me god damn emails you Children of God for some damn bastard urchins."
The consequences in America's educational system[edit | edit source]
Students learn Dr. Jacobson's research and in America concurrently learn the religious side of the story. Proponents of the "Intelligent Ratio" claim that "resonance science" is not really a "science" but only a theory. They claim that many if not all scientists merely theorise about Jupiter's moons and that their science isn't really a science in the real sense of what science mostly is; children should be exposed to only credible theories like the dreams of the Pope and feelings deep down in one's heart. In Arkansas, both classes are taught in any school that offers advanced theoretical science, however currently there are no schools there which offer any advanced classes of any kind, meaning students are taught neither side of the "debate".
In the mean time[edit | edit source]
The resonance ratio of Jupiter's moons is talked about at dull cocktail parties and by people who read Wikipedia too often. Scientists bring up this subject when they wish to change the topic of conversation. Often, when a host of a dinner or pool party is tired and weary, he starts talking about the moons' resonance ratio and most guests will quietly round up their things and leave.
The Pope is expected to publish his revelation in a book which will be added to the Bible ($1.99 from Amazon – free with purchase of a new reader), the first addition in centuries. He has ditched the traditional Latin, Hebrew, Greek, Aramaic for his native language of Spanish which he considers more beautiful-sounding and somewhat erotic when recited in a high and squeaky voice. This will be the first addition to the Bible in centuries and Amazon is preparing an abridged kindle version that will sell for only $1.99 or free when purchasing a new kindle reader.
