“Been there done that”
Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a woman, in the kitchen, sewing up her husband's jeans by the window. While sewing she went emo and slit her wrist with the needle. A drop of ruby red blood dropped to the window sill (which was covered in snow) and the woman sighed. She looked at the red on the white, with the black trim of midnight and thought to herself how good those colours would look on a child. Within seconds she had collected a sample of her husband’s sperm and the very next day she went down to the Designer Baby Depot.
Nine and a half months later the woman gave birth to her specified baby; with hair as dark as a starless midnight sky, lips as red as blood with a too-high concentration of carbon-monoxide and skin as white as snow before the grit lorry ruins it, the name Snow White seemed fitting.
However, Mrs. White then became a nazi and killed herself for not having a blue-eyed blonde baby, leaving her hapless husband to raise the not-quite-as-good-as-she-looked-in-the-catalogue, little girl.
Seventeen Years Later...
Life, of course, went on, and the hapless man found himself another wife. She too had been married before but had been widowed through the ‘cruelty of time on an old man’s heart’. Rich and powerful she possessed an all seeing beautician to whom she frequently asked the question: “Who is the fairest of them all?”
“You my dear, Miss Black.” The beautician would reply “Although, may I recommend another shot of botox?”
Just on the cusp of seventeen, Snow White was developing into a fine young woman, albeit pale and easily sunburnt. She was a kind and gentle girl, who was tender and a little naïve but she was basically nice and good. For these reasons she was also the object of desire for all the boys in the land (and, scandalously, some of the girls too). However Snow White would never bow to the hungers of men (and, scandalously, some of the women too), not until marriage.
But her evil step-mother, Miss Black, was still a terribly vain and jealous woman. On the day Snow White turned seventeen Miss Black asked her beautician: “Who is the fairest of them all?” to which she expected his usual mantra. Instead she was told:
“You, Miss Black, are fair ‘tis true but I’ve met one fairer than you.” The curious Miss Black pressed and eventually cajoled him into revealing who this newer, fairer maiden was. “Well, Miss Black, you see, Snow White is fairer than thee. (She is legal right?)”
Enraged and jealous, Miss Black hired a huntsman to take Snow White deep into the Deep Dark Woods and do away with her.
Quite Deep in the Deep Dark Woods
A sexual prude she may have been but otherwise Snow White was a slightly left leaning, tree hugging environmentalist. The huntsman knew this and so used his knowledge to lure her deep into the Deep Dark Woods, just as Miss Black had instructed.
The sun was low in the sky that was as red as Snow White’s lips and Snow White was worried about her pale skin being burnt by the red coloured sun. They had walked for miles and she was now beginning to suspect the huntsman may be lying about his reasons for taking her out, deep into the Deep Dark Woods. After all, how could they be going out here to plant a tree, when he had brought no tree to plant? And why did he need an axe to plant a tree that had so obviously been forgotten? And his Italian accent was a little fishy... When Snow White voiced these concerns the huntsman began to cry.
“Oh no! Now it’s all ruined! You’ve seen through my plan!” he wailed.
“What plan, what’s ruined?” Snow White asked, patting the man’s arm.
“Miss Black asked me to take you deep into the Deep Dark Woods, slaughter and mutilate you, but now you know and we’re not deep enough in the Deep Dark Woods!” the man pulled out a handkerchief and blew into it, scaring a nearby family of cuddly little squirrels.
“Don’t worry, we’re quite deep in the Deep Dark Woods, I’m sure nobody will find out... soon...”
“You think so…?” The huntsman was wary; he could still hear the cars on the motorway that ran through the Deep Dark Woods.
“I know so, but could you please try and make it painless?”
“Oh yes, yes, absolutely – thank you!” The huntsman’s tears were gone, making Snow White a little happier although she was not fully aware of what she had agreed to. She sat with her hands intertwined and a look that held all the innocents of a lamb. The huntsman flung his axe high above his head. At the peak of his swing he froze for a second, letting out a gasp and then fell backwards. On top of the axe. Killing him instantly.
Horrified that people would think she had killed him, Snow White ran deeper into the Deep Dark Woods.
Seven Vertically Challenged Old Men
Snow White ran and ran all through the night until she could not run anymore. She collapsed near a stream and slid into a deep sleep in the very heart of the Deep Dark Woods.
During the night the remnants of a discontinued circus act walked back that way. They were known as the Seven Dwarfs. There was Doc, the lightly senile but basically intelligent leader, and he was followed by the rest of the troupe: Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful and Dopey.
The seven little men huddled around her, excited and curious as they had never before seen such beauty here in the Deep Dark Woods. Bashful was completely blown away as he looked upon her elegance.
“Can we rape her?” he asked.
“No!” Doc exclaimed, “What have I told you about rape? It’s naughty. And a bit too forward for most girls – you’re meant to be shy!”
“You’re not a doctor!” Bashful parried.
“That’s besides the point and you know it – Grumpy! Put that purse back now!” Grumpy raised a stubby middle finger as he tucked Snow White’s purse back into her bra.
“Well maybe I don’t want to be Bashful anymore! There’s nothing wrong with a bit of self confidence you know.”
“Not now! You know we never change our names.”
“But, but! What about Dopey!? We changed his name!”
“That’s because the committee thought that ‘Smack’ was encouraging violence.” Doc finished the argument.
So the little men carried
Sleeping Beauty Snow White back to their house that was Very Deep in the Deep Dark Woods and they did not rape her. Instead they allowed her to rest and stay there in exchange for housekeeping, like a real woman. Snow White thought this was a little bit sexist but she had to put her views aside in order to stay hidden from the authorities (that had not even noticed a crime had been committed).
Meanwhile, In Miss Black's Crib…
For the first few days after snow white left for the Deep Dark Woods the cruel Mrs Black felt triumphant, knowing that she was once again the sexiest of them all. Snow White’s hapless father was at a bar, having a hangover, and yet to notice she was missing. Mrs Black decided to consult her beautician again.
“Whom is the sexiest of them all?”
“You, Miss Black, are sexy ‘tis true but I’ve met one sexier than you.” the beautician responded again.
“But that is impossible. I have disposed of the White problem. No one else surely comes close.”
“Well, Miss Black, you see, Snow White is still sexier than thee.”
“But I had her killed, how could you not know that? You’re magic!”
“Snow White is still fairer than thee.” The beautician repeated.
“Well tell me where she is!”
“Snow White, fairer than… botox?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
The Beautician was having an aneurism and fell out of his chair and he began to spasm and drool on the floor.
“Fuck it, I’ll check her Facebook.” Miss Black concluded, leaving him to die.
And Miss Black did manage to trace Snow White’s location through her Facebook. “Living with seven little men Deep in the Deep Dark Woods.” it had said, and so Miss Black devised a plan. She would poison an apple and use Snow White’s commitment to healthy eating against her. This'll teach her to be above lipo-suction, she thought.
Miss Black chose her disguise well. Having wrinkles, facial hair and speaking with a Northern accent would be the last thing Snow White would expect from her.
And so she visited an "uglytician" and became ugly. When she was ready, she was suitably hideous and armed with a deadly apple.
On her walk through the Deep Dark Woods she stumbled across the corpse of the huntsman she had hired to kill Snow White, and immediately reached the conclusion that Snow White had overpowered him somehow. She briefly considered going to the Authorities but was stopped by the fact she was now ugly and could not been seen by eyes that would be allowed to live.
She therefore continued to travel through the night and by the time she reached “Deep in the Deep Dark Woods” it was mid-morning. She knew From Snow White’s Facebook that the Dwarfs would be out ‘looking for work’ all day. (They were never very successful, because the employers were scared of employing "shorties" and "minorities").
Miss Black crouched down and knocked on the door. Snow White answered the door with a smile and let Mrs Black crawl in.
“I’m your new neighbour.” Miss Black said, thinking it would be the perfect excuse.
“The Dwarves said that nobody else lived around here for miles.” Snow White said, curious.
“Yes I just moved in.”
“But there are no houses.”
“Can I borrow some sugar?” Miss Black pressed with her story, only now noticing its holes.
“Certainly.” Snow White said, eager to please her new neighbour.
“You’re such a kind and nice and gentle person, dear.” Miss Black said, hoping to make Snow White more malleable. “Would you like this apple? I made it this morning.”
"You don't make apples, they grow!" pointed out Snow White, confused.
"Oh, yeah... Look just take it, will you!?" Miss Black snapped as she tried to cover her mistake.
How could she refuse? This old woman was obviously very kind and terrifying. Miss Black handed over the apple with a manic grin. Snow White took a bite of the juicy red apple and was instantly paralysed. Too much botox can be a bad thing.
Later that day the dwarfs returned to find Snow White lying on the ground in the kitchen and the chores only half finished. After Doc announced that Snow White was dead (remember, he wasn't a real doctor) Bashful posed the question.
“Can we rape her, now?” “No!” Doc says, slapping Bashful upside the head. “We need to give her a proper burial.” And so, over the next few days, they built a glass coffin and carved out a marble pedestal to lay it on.
As time passed, the dwarfs began to suffer the wrath of the economic downturn and so they turned Snow White into a piece of art. They charged ten shillings per viewing, however, living so deep in the Deep Dark Woods they rarely got any custom, until one day a handsome, but creepy, prince trotted past.
The dwarfs agreed and once the prince had looked upon Snow White’s, probably dead, corpse he was infatuated. As the soon to be king of a land further away than this one he demanded they open the coffin so he may have a single kiss from this fairest-of-them-all maiden.
The dwarfs refused but allowed him to stare at the beautiful Snow White for the agreed price of ten Shillings a day.
Snow White was condemned to paralysis as a creepy but handsome man stared at her and masturbated; Miss Black was declared the fairest of them all; the hapless man forgot all about his daughter and they all lived happily ever after.