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There's Something Strange About My Neighbor...

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I'm not really sure what it is, but I have some strange feelings about my neighbor. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but ever since he moved in a couple of weeks ago, the neighborhood hasn't felt the same. I haven't felt the same.

He walks around the house completely naked with the blinds open

Now, I'm not an uptight person; if you want to walk around your house naked with everything hanging out, that's fine with me. But this dude has got some big windows, I mean, really big windows. Like, I'll get home from work and I'll see this dude literally plastered over his windows as he tries to reach something on a shelf with his junk rubbing up and down on the glass. I mean, I understand he's trying to get something down, but couldn't he at least put some boxers on or something? Seriously, there are children playing in the street and a full grown man is rubbing his balls and stuff on the window in front of them. I've heard the mothers are becoming distressed, but who the hell wants to go talk to a naked man in his house?

Now, I shouldn't be like this, I mean, I don't know what's happening in his life. Maybe this habit is his way of coping with some traumatic experience. Maybe his wife or girlfriend left him or his dog died or something. He viciously masturbates for at least four hours a day. With the blinds still open. Did I forget to mention that?

I feel maybe Rick jumped the gun with this sign. I mean, the guy can't be that bad ... Right?

Speaking of a woman in his life ...

Yeah; when he's not walking around naked, he's usually at his computer, conveniently placed so I can see him from my bed at night, viciously masturbating while I try to sleep uncomfortably, dreaming about the day I save up enough to afford curtains. To gay porn no less. Not that I'm saying gay porn is disgusting or anything, I'm just ... you know ... I mean, I wouldn't mind watching ... Uh ...

I mean, I'm not one to judge. I'll admit I've succumbed to my inner demons and got a few quick ones off. But this guy is doing it like it's a routine, like he has some sort of internal masturbation clock telling him to jack off while I try and sleep. Am I wrong for finding this slightly annoying? Maybe I'm being a bit too anal retentive about this ...

I will give it to him though, it's impressive that he is able to masturbate and code at the same time. I can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, so that is some feat. Maybe he isn't that bad a person ...

I mean, do you see the size of those windows?

Never mind

I just saw him watching kiddy porn. I'm sure of it. I saw some little people and everything. That's the wrong man, there's no way this guy has a job and watches kiddy porn. I mean, that doesn't make sense right? Maybe I just saw it wrong, I only caught a glimpse as he moved his laptop a bit while he was getting lotion ... Maybe it was midget porn? Yeah, that's probably it. It was just two midgets having sex. I mean, I can't judge or anything, I guess this guy is just into midget porn or something. That's totally normal – we all have our own little fetishes.

Maybe he is an okay guy. I'll go say hi to him tomorrow, just for a second, maybe invite him over? Hopefully with his clothes on. I mean, I don't want to judge without being in his shoes for a bit ... Does he own shoes? Yeah, I'll say hi tomorrow.

That didn't go well ...

So as I'm getting ready for work this morning. I see the guy stepping outside his house to get his mail, thankfully in his robe. I decide to drive by and stop him as he's getting his mail – maybe make some small talk and invite him over. So I drove up to him and said, "Hey neighbor, how's your morning been?"

As he turned around to answer me, I turned around for a second and turned back, only to see his testicles in front of me. I quickly realized that his robe was completely open, with nothing underneath.

Not only that, I soon found out he had four testicles. Not that I'm judging or anything.

I finally looked up at his face. He looked like shit, no offence or judgment, but I mean ... he had huge bags under his eyes and thickly matted salt-and-pepper stubble; I would say about eighteen days of growth. The weirdest thing, though, was that he had this weird scowling ... face on. He looked like Clint Eastwood after being trapped on an island for months.

As he stared at me with that menacing face, I could tell he wasn't going to respond. Finally I say, "Well, nice meeting you, neighbor. I gotta get to work." He grunted at me and started walking back to his house. I could tell he thought I was judging him, and I'll have you know I don't like judging people. To save face, I yelled out to him, "Hey, you know, I never got your name, neighbor!"

He stopped and slowly turned halfway around. "Call me Olipro," he said, and shuffled on.

Man, what a weird fuck.

I think I like him.

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