People Formerly Known as Baldwins

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Little Guy, Fish, Former Baldwin.

People Formerly Known as Baldwin are persons who at one time had the Baldwin surname but have lost it, usually due to marriage or divorce or whatever. Death does not turn a Baldwin into a former Baldwin. A dead Baldwin is still a Baldwin, and in that sense, there is absolutely nothing wrong with them (see the status of non-existent entities). Technically, there could be non-humans formerly known as Baldwins as well. This is because, although not widely acknowledged, pets take on the surname of their owner's families. Pets that die as Baldwins, however, count as former Baldwins because only humans, higher primates such as Chimpanzees, Bonobos and Lemurs, as well as animals like Dolphins and Whales go to heaven. [1] Absolutely excluded are inanimate objects. For instance, a Macintosh Quadra 610 is owned by a person with the surname of Baldwin, and it is given to a friend, it neither loses its last name nor gains a new one, as computers, or jock straps, or pencil sharpeners, or envelopes, or calculators just don't have last names.

Characteristics of People Formerly Known as Baldwins[edit | edit source]

Items that can never be Formerly Known as a Baldwin.

Famous former Baldwins have usually been married to actors (Alec Baldwin) or writers (James Baldwins), but they also have been known to divorce people who make pianos (Baldwin Pianos) and locks (Baldwin Locks). Occasionally, Baldwins, former or otherwise, have been known to held public office, but often run brothels on the side (see Elias J. "Lucky" Baldwin, wives of.) Individuals who legally change their name to Baldwin and then to something else have an interesting, but ultimately invalid, claim to being formerly known as Baldwins, as their inherent mental instability renders the chance of their once again naming themselves Baldwin relatively high.

People Formerly Known as Baldwins[edit | edit source]

  • Amanda Elizabeth Baldwin married Christopher Wolfe a few years ago. I forget exactly how many. She took on the "Wolfe" surname. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that [ed: actually it is quite wrong], but others in the family suggested that Christopher change his last name.
  • Alec Baldwin was married and then got a divorce. He was married to Kim Bassinger, a person Prince used to have sex with a lot. However, it is not known whether Kim Bassinger actually took on the Baldwin surname. Thus there is some debate about this. Most experts agree that Kim is analogous to a pet. That is, even though it might not have been on her marriage certificate, her last name was in fact Baldwin during this time. Accordingly, Kim Bassinger IS a person formerly known as a Baldwin and as a result so are any pets that she might have taken with her after dumping Alec.
  • The aforementioned Lucky Baldwin probably had several wives and divorced at least a few of them. They are people formerly known as Baldwins, too.

Interesting Former Baldwins Who are not Actors, Pianos, Writers, or Locks[edit | edit source]

  • Kim Bassinger is pretty interesting, and she is pretty and hot too, for a sort of old person. Prince used to date her.
  • Cheryl Baldwin, ex-wife of Daniel Leroy Baldwin, the second oldest of the Baldwin Brothers.

Implications of Time Travel and Former Baldwin Status[edit | edit source]

Kim Bassinger, Person Formerly Known as a Baldwin

There are two main schools of thought on how time travel can effect Baldwin/Former Baldwin status; the Pretime Baldwinists, and the Before Time Former Baldwintarians.

The Pretime Baldwinists believe that if a Baldwin (by birth or marriage) goes back in time, and kills the proto-Baldwin, that the status of the time traveling Baldwin will never be altered. The is some concern that if this theory is to be proven correct, some evil Baldwin may actually develop a time travel/dodgeball cannon device and remove proto-Baldwins with impunity.

The Before Time Former Baldwintarians maintain that a Baldwin traveling through time to kill the proto-Baldwin will cause his own Former Baldwin status. In this case the former Baldwin will become a Former Baldwin while the Latter Baldwin will remain a dead Baldwin.

Former Baldwins vs. Never Baldwins[edit | edit source]

People formerly known as Baldwins often ask themselves if they are worse off than people who were never Baldwins at all. Clearly both types of non-Baldwins suffer by not being a Baldwin, but it is hard to say which truly suffers more. Many hope that after finally deciding where dead babies go, the papal authority may take a stance on the issue.

See Also[edit | edit source]

Small Baldwin Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. No, Dogs do NOT go to heaven.