The Girl Next Door

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“She lives next door.”

~ Captain Obvious on The Girl Next Door
Rare footage of the mysterious celeb

The Girl Next Door is widely regarded as the ideal partner to any red-blooded man. She is frequently mentioned in the media, usually as a feminine archetype against which celebrities and fictional characters alike are judged. Famous women who are lucky enough to meet her standards are then forever thought of as 'typical girl-next-door types', much in the same way Orlando Bloom is a 'Johnny Depp type', or Tom Cruise is an 'Adolph Hitler type'. Despite being a popular topic in the public forum for nearly 70 years, she has never once appeared in person.

A female entity of some kind, the girl next door is rumoured to inhabit the house next to yours. She is a mysterious creature known only by this title, her true name is unknown[1]. The girl has baffled landlords and peeping toms for decades, and there is very little hard evidence[2] of her existence. But who is she? What's she like? How can I make her love me?

Where Does she Live?[edit | edit source]

Judy Garland was often compared to the girl next door

She lives next door, hence the name. However, it has been questioned by the intellectual elite how she can possibly be everyone's next door neighbour. Some scientists have postulated that she is in fact some kind of ethereal life form that exists in multiple places at once. Others believe her to be merely a figment of some collective imagination, a symptom of the human condition if you will. There is yet another sect who insist that she is simply a different person depending on where you live, this group latter group have clearly not realised that the meaning of life is to be as funny as possible at all times[3].

Typically, the girl next door can be seen living out her life in clear view of anyone gazing into her bedroom window. The window itself usually faces into your bedroom, or - at the very least - the bushes behind her house. She can often be seen performing such innocent tasks as trying on clothes, stretching as part of her morning exercises, eating bananas, sausages and other phallic foodstuffs, and examining her breasts.

What Does she Look Like?[edit | edit source]

So is Halle Berry

Due to the subjective nature of reality, the girl next door is different to everyone. Some people are lucky enough to live next door to Kylie Minogue, Scarlett Johansson, Sophia Loren or Kimberly the pink Power Ranger[4]. Others are less fortunate, living next door to Maggie Smith, Dakota Fanning, Brian Blessed, and Mokujin - among others.

There is another theory that says she looks like Drew Barrymore. Drew has been described on several occasions as 'the ultimate girl next door'. But for some reason I have never seen her leaving in the morning or anything, maybe she works nights.

Attraction[edit | edit source]

Even Superman's first love interest Lana Lang has faced comparison with her

The average man finds the girl next door totally irresistible. This is because she is homely, reliable, and dependable. Not like all the other bitches you know, who are only interested in your money and getting to know your mum to a much higher degree than you yourself have ever managed to. Nay, she is just your average, fairly simple, but caring next door neighbour.

She probably hangs around with those other popular girls who hate you, but whenever they laugh at your nerdy haircut or inability to form basic sentences, she will secretly be on your side, and maybe even say something like "hey, leave him alone guys, he's just a harmless retard." This will make you fall even deeper in love with her.

However, unlike all those other girls, she is not what you call 'easy'. If she was a difficulty setting on Spider Solitaire, she'd be at least 11 suits[5]. The average straight man and lesbian might find this frustrating, but in the end, it just makes you want her more.

Doppelgängers[edit | edit source]

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One thing that is known about her is that there is a girl next door for everyone, regardless of where you live. Thus, she has many doppelgängers, some of which are listed here:

  • The girl in the apartment above you (Apartment version)
  • The girl in the other dormitory (Boarding school/College/University version)
  • The girl from the igloo next to yours (Inuit version)
  • The girl from the nearest caravan (Travellin' folk version)
  • The boy/girl/thing from the next trailer along (Redneck version)
She must look something like this...
  • The girl from the adjacent tent (When camping in Wales version)
  • The princess from the pyramid next to yours (Pharoh version)
  • The girl you can hear through the walls (Mental Asylum version)
  • The pretty young witch who has a room somewhere in the same tower as you (Hogwarts version)
  • The girl who's had her eye on your cardboard box for the past three nights (Hobo version)
  • The girl youve been asking to fiddle your cloister bell (Doctor Who Version)
  • The lesbian vampire youve been wanting to touch up ever since youve been involved with her casually in ooo (Adventure Time version)
  • The girl with the penis (drag queen version)
  • The one you met when you were very young who you spent lots of time with chained to her bed (pedophile version)
  • The girl in the next drawer (Morgue version)
  • The girl from the next mousehole (Borrowers version)
  • The girl in the next tube (When you're cryogenically frozen version)
  • The little old lady next door (Old folk's home version)
  • The girl in the basement (Josef Fritzl version)
  • The boy in the bubble (Paul Simon version)
  • The hottie from the Wadi next door (Israeli version)
  • The bitch screaming crazzy things (Russian version)

The Girl Next Door in Popular Culture[edit | edit source]

  • There is a popular song about her, called Living Next Door to Alice.
  • Famous writer Anonymous wrote many love poems and sonnets for her, the most famous of which is 'Open your Heart and your Curtains to Me'.
  • She also has a porn magazine named after her. No one has ever read it, but apparently it features hardcore images of all the girls from Final Fantasy VIII.
  • Her name has also become a clichéd title for any film, book, calendar, play, painting, dissertation, television series or emo band.
  • It is rumoured she appeared as an extra in Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas.
  • Her Email address is, and her alter-ego's
  • There was an episode of The Simpsons which explored the myth of the girl next door, in which Bart ultimately fell in love and lost his virginity to her.
  • She dated AAA in the early 1990s[6].
  • Her biggest achievement is having an asteroid named after her, namely: ZZJ672-4491-OPA.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. Although there's no reason you couldn't just pop over and ask her.
  2. Now now...
  3. And to own a lot of cool stuff.
  4. What a sitcom that would be.
  5. In case you're wondering, the eleven suits in total are: hearts, spades, diamonds, clubs, crescents, apples, spirals, corn on the cob, penises, triforces, and afros.
  6. But they broke up because he wouldn't let her win on Mario Kart. Also because he was off his tits on heroin.