Uncyclopedians Anonymous

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“Hi, I'm Shotgunmicky, and I would be an Uncyclopediaholic is i could be arsed to be funny”

~ Shotgunmicky on Crap Quotes

Uncyclopedians Anonymous or U.A. is a twelve step support group for those who are addicted to Uncyclopedia.

The Uncyclopedians Anonymous logo shows the core values of the support group.

It is intended for people to break free of their addiction to Uncyclopedia. Like other twelve step groups it relies on sponsors, people who have successfully completed the program, as mentors for those going through U.A (known as Padawans).

Many Uncyclopedians are in the program because they truly want help in breaking their addiction. Others (most actually) are in the program because the judge told them that if they completed U.A. successfully, then they wouldn't have to go to jail for UUI.

“Hi, I'm Oscar and I'm an Uncyclopediaholic”

~ Oscar Wilde on Uncyclopedia

The Problem Defined[edit | edit source]

An Uncyclopedia Junkie is someone who is addicted to Uncyclopedia. One who worships Sophia and takes up Kitten Huffing. They are people who should be Banned from the Internet for making fun of George W. Bush, God, and Jesus. They like to visit France and Ride the snake with Lesbians while Making up Oscar Wilde quotes with MC Hammer and Oprah Winfrey. They are well known for their love of Masturbation and Porn and often smoke Crack. They speak fluent AAAAAAAAA! and have been eaten by a Grue in Zork a great many times.

They like to make stains on Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress with Bill Clinton and Ashlee Simpson.

They are often found refreshing the recent changes page, and other special pages on Uncyclopedia, and visiting that random page link.

They get upset when someone rewrites or deletes one of their articles. They constantly keep writing new articles to make up for the fact that older ones got deleted or rewritten.

In fact, you, are one of the Uncyclopedia Junkies, as was your mom, and many other people related to you and your friends. Face it, fanboy/fangirl, Uncyclopedia is the crack of the Internet and you got a bad Uncyclopedia Jones there.

Remember that You have two cows, and that is not a lot of bull! Just forget about it and go and have some pie with trolls.

Steps[edit | edit source]

  1. We admitted we were powerless over Uncyclopedia—that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Oscar Wilde as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and the articles which we have written.
  5. Admitted to Oscar Wilde, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our vandalism of other people's content.
  6. Were entirely ready to have Oscar Wilde remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked the admins to remove our stubs.
  8. Made a list of all articles we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such articles wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were factual promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with Oscar Wilde, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to Uncyclopedians, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Meeting[edit | edit source]

“Just one more edit, thats all I need. One more and I quit, I swear to God! Gimme a fucking hit!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cold Turkey

Welcome[edit | edit source]

Welcome to the first meeting of Uncyclopedians Anonymous. My name is jsonitsac and I'd like to welcome you all to the program. By joining U.A. you have all agreed to take the first step in changing your lives. Now let's all go around and introduce ourselves, shall we?

I am Mhaille, (rest of the room: "Hi Mhaille!") I'm a Web Development Manager from England. I first got into Uncyclopedia-ing because I saw other people doing it, and it looked fun. I thought I could handle it. I'm now spending all of my time doing it, or thinking about doing it.

I'm Sifter, (rest of the room: "Hello..). SHUT THE FUCK UP! OK, listen up people: I'm only here by court order. Unlike you pussies, I can quit this shit anytime I want. So, I'm just going to sit in this chair and listen to you losers whine about your problems. That dickhead judge said ten meetings. After ten, you'll never see my face again.

Sifter let's try and show some respect towards your fellow members ok? We're non-judgmental here we all have a problem and we all want to get over it.--jsontisac
Look, will you just sign this slip that says I was here? Then I'll get out of your face and back to Un...uh...Uncle Bob's Pub. Sifter
Sifter, the reality is that you CHOSE to be here. It was either this or prison. But if you don't want to be here, I'm sure they have a jail cell available for you. I'll sign your sheet, but you, me and your parole officer will have to have a talk.--jsonitsasc.
Fine, whatever. I'll stay.                   Fag. Sifter

I'm Andrusi. (rest of the room: "Hi, Andrusi!") I never intended to start using Uncyclopedia regularly. I just wanted to spread truths about Mega Man and such. But I just kept coming back and editing more and more articles. I didn't even notice what was going on until earlier today, when I found myself writing an article about the League of Heroic Pictures of all things. And suddenly I can't even correctly remember the names of the articles I've written. That was when I realized I needed to get help.

I'm The Hedgehog. (rest of the room: "Hi, Hedgehog!") I don't have any problems with uncyclopedia addiction whatsoever. Anway, where's the bar in this place?

Hi, I'm Nerd42 and I accidentally showed up here through some kind of amazing temporal warpthing and have no intention of "kicking the habit" at the present time. But until today it has been nearly a month since I've laughed at anything that wasn't written on Uncyclopedia.

Hello, I'm Steve B. (rest of the room: "Hi Steve!") When I first came on this site I felt the need to fucking bury everybody. I just couldn't help it. I had to post that on nearly every article, whether I wrote it or not. I'm not a violent guy, but I just feel the need to fucking bury things because of Uncyclopedia. I know with your help I can beat this. (*mumbles darkly*)

Hi, I'm Tom (rest of the room: "Hello Tom") and I'm here because I hit this link and got here. Goodbye.

Hah! Another one in denial. Random page, my scrotum. -- Phil.

Hi, I'm Jimbob.I am Lonely.

Hi, I'm Orion all of you are psycho, but I am a Psychopath, ninja, and pirate. (rest of the room: "Hello Orion"). Sometimes I write funny stuff, other times it gets huffed. The voices in my head say I am funny but the people voting down my articles are way too serious. It has been four weeks since I used a Sockpuppet account. I am clean and sober now. I want to try and be more funny and less unfunny and creepy.

Hi, I'm Rataube (rest of the room: "Hello Rataube"). I first came to uncyclopedia when someone who was suppoused to be a good friend of mine invited me to. At the beginning I didn't really want to, but he told me it was o.k, not big deal, and feels so good. And well, I wanted to be cool, just as everybody else...

Hi, I'm Rataube's sockpuppet. (rest of the room: "Hello Sock"). I haven't edited uncyclopedia for... OMG, I'm doing it again right now! Someone please help me!!

Hi, I'm user:Prettiestpretty and began to use Uncyclopedia as a place to escape to in December and before I had a total melt down in January. I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I live in a doublewide and I have PMS. I also spend a lot of time talking to children under the age of seven and meeting their demands ("I'm not going to eat that because the peas touched the mashed potatos. THATS SO GROSS!"). The more I hide out here, the worse things get. Pooh. Dame PPsigPPlips.gifGUN PotY WotM 2xPotM 17xVFH VFP Poo PMS •YAP• 14:55, 21 February 2006 (UTC)

Hi, I am di Mario, (rest of the room: "Hey di Mario!") I have voices inside my head that drive me really nuts so I edit Uncyclopedia whenever I can, it more or less takes the edge off and sometimes even makes me forget about them for a while. But lately, I find that I need to edit more and more to get to the same level of numbness and ...well...frankly... Wendy (that's my pet grue) signed me up for this. I aren't sure yet if this is the thing for me. I mean, what with the voices and all. Oh, and by the way, I'm Dutch.

Hi, I'm User:Swordmaster. (Hello, Swordmaster.) I bumbled into Uncyclopedia when I was reading Wikipedia, and some people were mentioning moving some really good stuff from there to here. Well, you know I just HAD to come here. And you know what? I liked it! Pretty soon, I had piled up 500 edits and User:Famine had made me a nice user page. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop editing Uncyclopedia. I'm even doing it right now! Please, please help me. (Applause.) Swordmaster 02:21, 28 March 2006 (UTC)

Hi, I'm User:UltraScreech. (Rest of the room: *silence*) Im a ninja... and... I once tryed to huff an Uncyclopedia? Anyway I just shot a nukelauncher 10000 TURBO edition at Wikipedia, so... who wants nachos? *Thrown out* --UltraScreech 23:08, 13 May 2006 (UTC)

Hi, I'm Zombiebaron (rest of the room: Jigga what?) and Uncyclopedia has stolen my life. At first it started with simple identity theft...you know, credit cards, email addresses, and stuff like that right? Well now it appears that it has started to assume my shape, and is interacting with people while pretending to be me! I called the Ghost Busters, but they just told me to come here. I need help. *sob*.

Hi, I'm User:Kiriam. (rest of the room: Hi, Kiriam.) I was just researching Star Wars on wookieepedia one time when I somehow stumbled onto Uncyclopedia. I quickly became addicted, and for a while could not laugh at anything, not even Uncyclopedia. After dumping my head in gallons of wikipedia, I cured my addiction. I'm just here because I thought it might be fun!

Hey, I'm Modusoperandi. (rest of the room: shuffle their feet and stare at the floor.) I'm just here to get some coffee before Zb drinks it all. Damn, too late.

Aloha, I'm Witt (rest of the room: Goodbye Witt)and I came here looking for some parody back in march. Now I can't even think about leaving this place until at least one of my articles make it out on the front page, just one. Where did everyone leave to now?

Hi. Call me Smrt-guy. (rest of room: smiles nervously) I came here 'cause those FOOLS at Wikipedia kept reverting my REALLY funny edits! (Rest of room looks at eachother in slight horror) Then I found out you're all British & stuff and I thought - that's cool. Like hanging out with Monty Python. (Rest of room backs away slowly) So - teach me British things and don't delete a SINGLE word I write! They're all perfect and American and stuff. (Rest of room pops off for a pint) I'm the n00biest n00b you ever seen!! Hello? Hello?

Hi. Listen, I am not Anonymous, I am not a number! I signed in didn't I? Why does everybody keep busting my head over this uncyclopededia thing? I am not a degenerate; I didn't ask to come here! I am someone, I'm real! I have a name. D.G.Neree (Rest of the room: Bye bye DeeGee!)

Hello. I'm Insineratehymn— (Rest of room runs out the door in terror) ...I'm lonely.

Err Hi...I'm Bonner (Rest of room: Hey Boner!) I...HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP! *Bonner runs away in tears* (Rest of room: Bye Boner!)

TYATU! TYATU! My name is Uncyclopedian! TYATU! (Rest of room: Shut up) You shut up.

Uhh.. Hey Guys.. Im.. Box1ng Bear... (Rest of room: Hi Bear!) I like uncyclopedia because its fun. And I really need to stop soon again because like. Im failing Mr.Kearsey's Class at school. Please help me!!!! *sobs on the floor* Box1ng Bear

Hey get up, we need that spot for trust falling. --jsonitsasc

Hey there! My name is RandomDie! (Rest of the room: Bow chicka bow bow!) I stumbled upon Uncyclopedia when I was in school due to a typo I made when I tried to type encyclopedia. So then my friends and I looked at an article called Cooking. Then one my friends said to— (Someone: Okay, that's enough.) No, fuck you! I'm not finished yet. Then my friend said to me, "This is hella funny!" We laughed for a long time at the article and when our computer teacher caught us not— (Someone: Okay! Stop talking.) No, fuck off! I'm not done yet. So yeah the teacher caught us not doing our work and— *gets thrown out of room* Oh, think you can just kick me out like that!? Well, I'm going to start my own Uncyclopedia club! With Oscar Wilde and Chuck Norris! In fact, forget the club and Chuck Norris! Eh, whatever I'm going to watch Futurama to steal more lines from them.

Infernal hails, I am Mahm00shA. (rest of room: Ave Satanas!). I am the devil and I've got some quality child porn here. Now I've got to go, I really need to eat some marshmallow peeps, Muahahahahahahahaaa (rest of room: Vade Satanas!)

Uh, hi, I'm Roman Dog Bird, and, uh, I'm a nerd. And, uh I'm pretty proud of it.

Hey, I'm Max (Rest of Room: Hi, Max *boredvoices*) and I have stimulating conversations with my bestest buddy!

I'm not you're "bestest buddy." Now keep me out of this.

More help?[edit | edit source]