Kitten Huffers Anonymous

“This is where all the people who were caught by me who wish to change their lives for the better are sent.”

~ a non-huffable kitten

Evidence of widespread addiction: huffing in public.

The alarming spike in cases of addiction to kitten huffing has led to concerned individuals like the addict's (or kittenhead) family members/friends/cult leader(s) uniting together to provide support for their friends who abuse "The Cat". Finally, Kitten Huffers Anonymous was chartered by the Reverend Jerry Falwell.

These photos illustrate the kind of thing that had has so many people concerned.

The Kitten Huffers Anonymous organization is reported to be in the process of developing a ten-step program directed toward the specialized needs of kitten huffers. The list below is a rough draft.

They are applying for funding (NIH) for a large-scale study of this growing menace. It was proposed that the ten-step program be tailored to the kitten huffing population on the basis of this research, but many of the scientists that developed it are now addicted to kitten huffing.

It might not be a surprise that nobody in history has ever successfully kicked the habit.

Happy
now?

The ten-step plan

Step 1 (Discarding): Discard all your kitten huffing paraphernalia. This includes your spare kittens, plastic tubes, kitten plants, etc.

Step 2 (Retardation): You must catch Alzheimer's in order to forget everything you learn about kitten huffing. We have vaccines of Alzheimer's prepared for you, or you can go to Florida and catch it from the old people there.

Step 3 (Liberalization): Join a gang. This helps to keep your mind off kitten huffing.

Step 4 (Deception): Deny you have ever huffed kittens. Deny it till you convince yourself that you've never huffed kittens till it becomes self-delusion. You will also probably develop some sort of mental illness along the way, which brings us to ...

Step 5 (Repetition): Develop obsessive compulsive disorder. This will ensure that you spend so much time flattening other people's collars or arranging bon-bons into geometrical shapes that you will completely forget what is was you weren't supposed to think about ... what weren't you supposed to think about again?

Step 6 (Self-flagellation): Again to forget the pleasure you one derived from kitten huffing. Boo hoo hoo, sob, my life is just a black abyss, you know, it's so dark. Without kitten huffing, I am suffocating!

Step 7 (Experimentation): Try something else.

Step 8 (Modernisation): Look around you. Your house is a mess! Every second you spent being high on kittens meant one second less you had to clean your house! Additionally every dime spent on fresh kittens meant less money to spend on your house. For goodness sake you're still using Nintendo 64 as a game system – get an Xbox!

Step 9 (Familiarisation): Now that you've given up kitten huffing, gained a psychological disorder or two, and have a nice new house, things have probably changed drastically for you! Now's the time to really get out there, make new friends, get reacquainted with old chums who were turned off by the kitten fumes, and visit your mom! Life is beautiful isn't it?

Step 10 (Finalisation!): WOO HOO! You've made it this far. Now go reward yourself by watching some cam whores!

We sincerely hope that you will be able to kick the habit as soon as possible. In the meantime, do not hang out with anyone who huffs kittens. We mean it. We'll sic the penguins on you.

Jerry Falwell's death

Apparently, Mr. Falwell had been hiding his own addiction for quite some time. Last Tuesday, he died of a massive overdose. His last words were reported to be, "Oh my god, Eric Cartman is leading that army of Meatwads to steal my gold!" He then bashed in a police officer's skull with a fire extinguisher and fell dead in a pile of his own feces. The organization disbanded after this incident, because nobody cares.

See also

• War on drugs
• Are we there yet?

Notes

  The Life, Works & Philosophy of Anonymous