AAA
- AAA AAAAA AA AAAAAAA AAA AAAAAAAAA!, AAA AAA AAAA AAAA AA!
AAA is, was, and always will be, without question, the greatest video game player on Earth. Known only by the three initials he uses on arcade high score lists, he has left his ubiquitous mark in the RAM chips of countless motherboards. He both owns and has played every single video game in the universe, including the superintelligent ones developed by the Pentagon that suck you into a Tron-like cyberspace where you fight to the death against the CPU itself. He has killed approximately 12 video game CPUs in this fashion.
Among other accolades awarded to him, he has a cylindrical battery cell size named after him as well as an automobile organization.
Appearance of AAA
It is not known exactly what AAA looks like, as he is understandably reclusive. Conflicting eyewitness reports of a skinny twenty-something Korean with stubble, a pasty-faced former Atari beta-tester, and even a six-foot-tall bearded Eastern European have all at some point been attributed to AAA. It is clear that unless he ever chooses to publicly reveal himself, we can only continue to speculate. Personally, I think he is a tall, Asian, stunningly handsome, single, twenty-something, well built hunk. Sigh. Unfortunately the odds are that AAA is a small Japanese boy with a ridiculous amount of talent at DDR. Most of the time, he wears a hood to hide his face. Scary.
History
Despite the enigma surrounding AAA, a few footprints have been traced back to him to what scientists call a "probably-enough-to-prove-something"-degree. The most noted of which is probably the 3D Realms incident of May 1998. George Broussard of 3D Realms, at the time developing Duke Nukem Forever, allegedly found his computer hacked screening only a short, though heavily encrypted, message:
| “ | I finished your game and will not allow it to be released until it meets my standAAArds. | ” |
Due to the previous success of 3D Realms' Duke Nukem games an interest in such a company would not seem unlikely. Dismissed as a mere amateur-hack the message was sent to the FBI for decryption without any change of directions concerning the game's progress. A few days later the developers found that their work had been severely improved, as someone during closed hours had begun to replace their use of the Quake 3 engine with the better suited Unreal-engine. The confusion was stilled when the FBI's encryption units found the cleverly disguised signature in the message. Duke Nukem forever has since then been a work in progress.
Myths about AAA
It is a common myth that AAA is actually a very bad player, citing several sub-par high scores signed 'AAA'. What the people making these claims don't understand, however, is that these scores are actually so high that AAA overflowed the score counter. Thus, it is possible that the top score in your local arcade machine is actually several billion points more than that displayed.
Another popular theory is that AAA is actually such a bad player, that matter and time formed a cylindrical paradox, reversing human perception, so that the average joe believes that AAA is actually a god-like video gamer.
Yet another group of people think that this is simply part of AAA's sly tactics and an instance of him trying to lull you into a false sense of security. One final group suggest that for a challenge AAA simply tasks himself to score predetermined random numbers.
There's recent speculation that he may actually be a machine - not like Arnold Schwarzenegger but rather like a computer or an 8 digit calculator.
Another myth claims that AAA is so bad, that he uses cheat devices to beat games he buys.
Contrary to popular belief, he has yet to win The Game - something he himself admitted to in a rare interview - although he has come far closer then anyone else, and plays it every single day. Shortly after said interview was conducted, he returned to Valhalla to slumber and feed.
Speculations about AAA
Since AAA's first high score in 1958, experts have pondered what, if anything, AAA does between playing video games. For the longest time, it was thought that AAA was somehow the source of all video game hints, but nobody could compile any solid evidence to prove this. When Prima invented Strategy Guides in the mid 1990s and sold them before the games for them even came out, experts began to assume that she, in fact, was AAA.
Further studies via hidden cameras disproved this notion when Prima, though incredibly skilled, failed to produce the high scores attributed to AAA. Though Prima does not say anything on the subject, experts generally accept the idea that Prima somehow obtains hints from AAA, which she then tests and writes down into her strategy guides. How Prima obtains this information is yet to be determined, but interviews with the former Queen of the Martians suggest that she does have some sort of relationship with the mysterious AAA.
About AAA insurance
AAA's influence has appeared in several elementary schools in several anti-drunk driving programs. However, AAA was true to his mysterious identity and took the form of a DrumMania 4th Mix machine and played catchy disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal songs written by Vin Diesel for the children to remember. One boy attempted to play the game machine but since there were too many 128th notes in a level-1 song, the boy's head exploded. Investigators would later find out that the game did not cause his death, but his infallible faith for several religions, which is impossible. The widespread of the boy's death and these excruciatingly catchy songs made AAA popular with the MADD. Fortunately, 117% of the members were experiencing menopause. This caused the MADD to take action, out of spontaneity, and create the American Automobile Association, or Triple A, named after AAA.
The company ended up losing millions of dollars in profit in its first quarter because soon after it began business, a majority of the people who signed were people who had too much time on their hands. These people became curious about what AAA meant (through days of staring contests in the mirror) and ended up listening to the extremely catchy disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal songs, resulting in spontaneous combustion just from being near, looking at, or even thinking about anything besides the lyrics to the song, the beat to the song, the tune to the song, and sports drinks (especially water, or, in fact, any liquid/gel substance).
Unfortunately, the buzz and popularity of the Vin Diesel songs ironically caused more people to listen to them. People today still suffer from Vin Diesel songs. Vin Diesel's disco-infused-with-voodoo/tribal music is now the 7th leading cause of death, placing in front of being stung by several stingrays.
Stories from the life
HaloPwner666
I was playing Halo 2 on Containment, right? We were playing Capture the flag, we just started. me and six other guys were watching the flag when two seconds later, the flag vanished. it said: Spartan 114 took the flag! No one was that fast, there were no possible Multiplayer cheats for Halo 2 so far. My guess? It was AAA.
Jenny
My mom is a kind of person who never plays videogames, but once she gave Contra III, or "Super Probotector" as it is known in Europe, a go just to be friendly with us kids. She tapped the buttons so randomly and so ferociously that suddenly she skipped to the second level. I swear on my father's bones it's true, even though no level skipping cheat has ever been found for this game. My guess is AAA whispered the secret to her in her dreams.
Craig
Once upon a time I was the king of Street Fighter. I'd travel the land and wherever I found an arcade, I'd play and I'd beat everyone who stepped up with impunity. My skill was so great I used to humiliate my opponents by beating them in every possible match-up the game had to offer. I'd pay for their games and their food and their drink to make them stay and take more punishment. I turned the game into an art, where my every move was the most graceful, I stopped the opponent at his every turn, and I never repeated a combo twice in the same day.
But then I met this guy. . . it's so weird, it wasn't like I paid attention to what he looked like but when I try to remember I can only see a blank space. He didn't make eye contact, he didn't say anything, he just picked Balrog. In World Warrior. Without putting in a quarter. I didn't really have time to take in that and to tell the truth I was so far into the game I didn't notice it was weird. But then he beat me so damn hard he got on top of the high score list in just one round. The second round was over in like, four seconds and I sort of fell over. I got to my feet right away but the guy had vanished, just vanished without a trace. But not before putting in his name on the high score, you guessed it, AAA.
Harry
There was this one time I was playing Road Burners at the arcade, and this guy jumps onto the bike next to me, drops a quarter in, and waits until I picked the track. As soon as it says Go, he just zooms straight past me. I barely even caught a glimpse of him. Then a few seconds later, he races towards me. Backwards. I just manage to get out of the way, and complete the race at what was my best time ever. I went to put my initials in, but it wouldn't let me. I'd lost! Written in the place that should've been mine was "AAA - "0.00.93".
ZZZZZ
I took my old N64 and Diddy Kong Racing game I had out of the closet and turned it on, and it said that the Game Pak is corrupted and may be irreparably damaged. I continued and I went to the time trial mode, and each track had a lap record of 00:00:00, followed by the 3 letter ID, AAA.... I turned it off and powered it back up, and it was gone, and all of my data was back, but I will never forget this, the time when AAA conquered my DKR game.
John
I was trying to frame AAA by having a bad score at pinball and typing AAA for the initials. But when it showed the high score table my score changed from 100 to 9,999,999,999. Then a man came up to me and said "You're not AAA!" and kicked me. I will never forget what happened and will continue on my search for AAA.
Tim
One time, I was playing mortal kombat in this arcade and this asshole kept doing this cheat that he learned on the internet from Oscar Wilde so i couldn't play against him without dying instantly, but I thought that it was just his skill so i kept challenging him over and over hoping to eventually win! After about 3 hours and $75 Later, I heard the door creeeeeek open and this hooded black figure walked through the arcade towards us and every machine he passed was setting the score list to AAA (Some machines couldn't handle his power and proceeded to burst into flames). I was scared shitless and tried to run but I was frozen to the floor. He came up to the machine we were at and threw me to the side... After that I saw the kid who had harassed me look up into the hood like it were the face of god himself then turn to the screen and choose his character Sub-Zero (I couldn't see if AAA chose a character because he was too fast). All of the sudden I saw the kid to drop knees and beg for mercy as his character kept being brutally raped by AAA..I'll never forget that day...
Chen Shi Jia
There was once when I played this really high graphics quality game Sexy Bitch III on my room computer. No matter how I tried I could not beat my record of doing 3 different sex moves in 20 seconds. Though I tried practising for 3 years, I never managed to beat my score. Then when I was playing one night, a guy that looked like grim reaper came through my window and told me the true "Way of the Game". He did like wtf? 10 sex moves in 3 seconds! My computer could not take it and got the BSoD. When I finally got my computer turned on again, the only letters I saw were AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I reckon it was AAA that came that night to help me.
Ryan Dempster
I was playing Salamander for the Arcade, and I was playing, minding my own business. I got a 602,000 high score, and then all of a sudden, I swear, the game was possessed the next minute. An unknown creature beat the entire game in like twelve minutes! He got a 999,999 score, beating mine by a long shot. He sure beat the game easily! I could have sworn that was none other than the mystical AAA. I cannot beat the game that quickly. AAA is a true living legend!
Innocent Bystander #2594535761
Well, Your Honor, I was with my good friend Carlisle when it happened. We were just playing some really old NES games in my basement, when Carlisle somehow managed to hit the kill screen on Super Mario Bros. 2. He was really proud of himself, I could tell that right away. He apologised, then promised to replace the game as soon as possible, then said, and I quote, "It's not my fault I'm the best player to ever touch a controller!" Suddenly, a black, hooded figure came out of nowhere and sprang on Carlisle. He ripped Carlisle's heart right out of his chest! He quickly grabbed my controller, and he must've moved so fast I didn't see him put in the original Super Mario Bros., then raced through the entire game before Carlisle died! He then vanished in the blink of an eye, and he only left the letters "AAA" written in Carlisle's blood. Now I'll never get play Super Mario Bros. 2 ever again!
Miles Rimmingten
I was playing Capture The Flag Extreme Battle and it got to night. I was creeping around in black robes with a knife in my hand and NobodyCares993 came out of nowhere and started throat grabbing me! But then AAA came out of nowhere, grabbed a sword out of a statue's hands and ripped him into chicken nuggets! It was fucking insane!
Stoner8882291
Man,I remember that night like any other.I was playing Multiplayer on Counter Strike Source and there was this dude.Man was he good !Man he'd move like the wind and one moment he was like 45 m away and the next,right behind me,stabbing me with a knife.Man,man,,just man.Its not like there are any cheats or hacks for CS Source which allows anyone to do such a thing.Maaaaaaan,must have definitely been AAA.
Accomplishments
“AAA has achieved the world's highest scores on millions of video games.”
- In 1958, a week before the first video game was invented, AAA achieved the first high-score ever while watching a test pattern.
- He managed to clear 5 rows in Tetris with only one piece.
- Then the top of the screen surrendered to him.[citation needed]
- He is so good at Zero Wing that he unlocked 'Proper grammar mode'.
- He is SO good at Zero Wing that all of CATS bases are belong to him now.
- He has beaten every version of Doom on Nightmare difficulty without ever cheating or dying. Without using any weapons. Or powerups. Not even the pistol. Or the chainsaw. Or Berserk Packs. The only things he ever picked up, in fact, were the head of an Imp and the key cards.
- He beat the original Metroid in under 12 seconds, unlocking the ending where Samus becomes so nude that she turns into a skeleton.
- He raised cats on Nintendogs.
- AAA beat Fable by killing Maze the moment he saw him, as he knew Maze was evil.
- AAA's evil count was the highest possible.
- The game froze after he attempted to raise it by slaughtering a maiden after raping her for 12 hours straight. He wasn't even at the Xbox for that amount of time.
- AAA's evil count was the highest possible.
- He beat Star Fox Adventures while still playing as Krystal.
- He defeated Bowser in the pre-menu battle of Paper Mario.
- He beat Tiger Woods PGA Tour using a putter and a sand wedge.
- In the 2029 edition.
- He defeated Action 52 without becoming insane.
- He defeated not one, not two, but fifty-nine South Koreans at Starcraft.
- And those Koreans were on the same team.
- And he only used one single Zergling.
- And those Koreans were on the same team.
- He prevented Sarah Kerrigan from being infested by the Zerg.
- By only keeping her selected at the end of the mission.
- Without a mouse.
- Or the game.
- Without a mouse.
- By only keeping her selected at the end of the mission.
- He defeated the World's Worst Trolling Attempt by using a non-existent cheat to give him infinite coins.
- In Warning Forever, he managed to reach a boss so ferocious that it broke out of his computer screen (dubbed the "Tera Smashed Tera Poded Infinity Omega with Extra Onions") and had to subdue it in hand-to-hand combat.
- He won.
- Using a paperclip.
- He won.
- He beat the original NES Battletoads in the first run without dying, without the 5 live cheat, and two players. (he divided himself by 1)
- On Wii Sports, he can get a hole in one. Which is not so hard, until you realise he was playing Wii Tennis at the time.
- He beat Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia as Albus in level 1 cap in the first run without dying, using a piece of Shanoa Rule 34. The monsters died due to Erectile Dysfunction upon seeing it.
- He did the same to Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin in Old Axe Armor mode Level 1 cap, by using a piece of old axe armor rule 34, since old axe armor is a girl. The only monster who did not die out of erectile dysfunction is Astarte, but he killed her anyway.
- Speaking of Castlevania, he cured Anette from vampirism using sanctuary in Castlevania Dracula X chronicles. And thus causing shaft's ghost to explode out of rage. Then he defeated Dracula and he got the good ending.
- He did the same to Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin in Old Axe Armor mode Level 1 cap, by using a piece of old axe armor rule 34, since old axe armor is a girl. The only monster who did not die out of erectile dysfunction is Astarte, but he killed her anyway.
- He beat NetHack as an illiterate atheist vegan Wizard without landing a single blow. When a trap on level 10 polymorphed him into a floating eye, he completed the rest of the game that way, blindfolded. Pestilence caught a cold from him. Famine bought him lunch. (AAA didn't eat it.) His final score wrapped MAXINT twice and still pushed ten other players off the screen.
- He finished Phoenix Wright with a paperclip as his only evidence.
- He beat the first Death Note game similarly; his only evidence were spoilers, fanfictions, and the aforementioned paperclip.
- He once managed to get the judge fired for impudence, then filed against Edgeworth for being a lying bastard.
- He won the lawsuit.
- He once managed to get the judge fired for impudence, then filed against Edgeworth for being a lying bastard.
- He beat the first Death Note game similarly; his only evidence were spoilers, fanfictions, and the aforementioned paperclip.
- He can beat the arcade version of Gradius III without dying once. Trying to complete this game is a big enough feat already, even for AAA. But he claimed the game is way too easy.
- He actually found out what was wrong with this picture.
- He played the Zelda CD-I games *without* snickering at the cutscenes.
- Morshu gave him credit.
- Interestingly, he beat Twilight Princess Ganon only using the giant book from Faces of Evil.
- Beat Windows on every difficulty level, including Vista. He also beat Bill Gates in Windows.
- He also beat the Blue Screen of Death on Windows.
- He got the "Get back to the Real World" ending on Myst and all its sequels. All at the same time.
- He gets the ball in the cup every time.
- He finished Super Mario 64 in 10 seconds by jumping into the stained glass window outside the castle, raping Bowser to death, and then rescuing Peach. He then went on to play the game properly from the start and attained 121 stars. He then went on to play Super Mario 64 DS and found 151 stars, all without touching the DS once; he used his mind...
- He beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without even touching his controller. He just walked into the room, and the game beat itself out of pure and utter fear. On top of that, the system wasn't turned on, the controllers weren't plugged in, and the cartridge was sitting on a nearby shelf.
- He reached the flagpole in the endless, underwater -1 World on Super Mario Brothers in two minutes without looking at the screen, without using his hands, he used his armpit, and while singing the song that never ends to its ending in those 2 minutes... he then proceeded to defeat -2--8 Worlds, or the secret levels where Mario grabs the axe and kills Bowser, rather than pressing the button near it to drop him in the red room which looked like lava. This is a giant accomplishment for anyone since -1 is endless, thus preventing the secret badass levels to be played, but AAA said that this was too easy.
- The second time playing Kingdom Hearts through, he made sure to beat the shit out of Riku in a cutscene, so he wouldn't be any trouble later on.
- He has never created a character based on himself.
- He has unlocked characters based on himself.
- He beat Japan's Super Mario Brothers 2 without warping (Including bonus worlds 9, A, B, C, and D), without getting any items, without dying even once. With his Famicom and its controllers unplugged, during a power outage. (This is one of his biggest accomplishments yet. He claimed that the game was waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy too easy. But hey, he's AAA, everything is easy for him.)
- He beat MySpace using a friend's Facebook account.
- He beat Daikatana without getting stuck even once or using a hosportal.
- He bought and beat DragonBall Z: Budokai Tenkaichi 6, when we still haven't reached the fourth one.
- In Tekken 5, he beat Jinpachi Mishima using a DDR dance pad.
- He beat all Halo games either using only a Headset or a microphone. Or screaming at the computer.
- He beat Pong when it first came out and achieved a score of 9 million.
- He once beat a pinball machine by only rocking it back and forth for 15 hours.
- He once beat Saturous and Menardi at the start of Golden Sun. Without cheats. Without looking at the screen. Without using attack. Before the storm even starts.
- He has been known to beat many an H-game so quickly that no character had a chance to lose their virginity.
- He managed to find a mine on the first click in minesweeper.
- Then still beat the game on the very next click
- In Sonic Adventure 2, he raised a chao into Chaos himself by just breastfeeding it.
- He snuck the Weighted Companion Cube past the incinerator in Portal. And it didn't get dissolved by the lasers.
- His character survived and got the cake.
- It was a triumph.
- He made a note that it is "HUGE SUCCESS".
- It is hard for many to show their satisfaction without going insane.
- Apperture science did all that they could, to stop him.
- Because they did it for the gamers, except the ones who tried, failed, and died.
- But hey, he didn't cry over everything like mistake.
- Mostly because he didn't run out of cake.
- And he made a new science movement.
- And a very neat gun.
- For the people who are still alive.
- He beat Contra 3's red falcon brain without shooting an orb.
- He also beat the 4th boss of Contra: Hard Corps in its first form.
- He even beat Contra: Shattered Soldier with an SS rank and 100% hit ratio in all levels within 5 seconds.
- He beat every Guitar Hero song on expert using a DDR pad.
- He beat every DDR song on Challenge using a Guitar Hero guitar.
- He plays every instrument on RockBand simultaneously using only emanations from his olfactory glands.
- He beat Through the Fire and Flames on Expert using just his left foot.
- He beat Dead Rising using solely diplomatic relations.
- He completed a round of Solitaire in 0:00:23 seconds without turning on his computer. The cards arranged themselves in stacks before he even walked into the room.
- He once purposefuly lost in Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.
- He can also cross bridges in Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.
- And break the light barrier.
- Going forwards.
- And backwards.
- Going forwards.
- He beat Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball with so little effort that Team Ninja decided to go ahead and release Ninja Gaiden.
- He beat i wanna be the guy in impossible difficulty like it was nothing at his first run, before kayin completed the game.
- He also found all the secret items in the final version of i wanna be the fangame before tijitalmijit even finished the starting section of the game.
- In Monkey Island, he married LeChuck because Elaine wasn't good enough for him. He also beat the sword master using only the "I am rubber, you are glue:"-insult. He also sold Stan's hat to Stan himself, for a boat and a life insurance.
- Women enjoy playing video games with him.
- Every video game he has ever played has been completed to such an extent that the sequel actually started, even if there wasn't one.
- He beat every Legend of Zelda title's Three-Heart Challenge with 1/2 a heart.
- Including The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, which doesn't sound so amazing until you realize that he was playing the 20-minute demo included in the Collector's Edition, released before the game was finished.
- Then beat The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass in said demo by telling the pirates to check out the Ghost Ship.
- Before the DS was even invented.
- Then beat The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass in said demo by telling the pirates to check out the Ghost Ship.
- Including The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, which doesn't sound so amazing until you realize that he was playing the 20-minute demo included in the Collector's Edition, released before the game was finished.
- He cured cancer in Trauma Center.
- He had beaten Mario Kart Wii by the time the Wii had finished saying "Mario Kart, Wii!!!"
- He beat Halo 3 on Legendary with all of the Gold Skulls active.
- Using only a completely drained Energy Sword.
- Without taking a single hit.
- In under ten minutes.
- Without taking a single hit.
- Using only a completely drained Energy Sword.
- He unlocked Roy in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
- And the Master Hand.
- And the Crazy Hand.
- Using only the Wii Nunchuck.
- And the Crazy Hand.
- And the Master Hand.
- He beat Metal Gear Solid 3 with the Big Boss rank, on hard mode.
- While standing still.
- And on alert.
- While standing still.
- He beat RuneScape by reaching level 99 in every skill before he even left tutorial island. He kills things simply by examining them. His account name is Zezima.
- Then he banned andrew gower and mod mmg.
- He bullied the Slender Man into collecting the pages for him.
- He beat Maplestory by reaching level 200.
- Without 2x EXP cards.
- Training only on Snails.
- On a Perma Noob.
- In under 20 minutes.
- On a Perma Noob.
- Training only on Snails.
- Without 2x EXP cards.
- He beat SimCity 3000 by cramming 6 million virtual citizens into a single city.
- ...without cheats, and without even using roads.
- Unfortunately, he has never survived the Gamingpocalypse because he had never spent a coin in his wallet. Note that he had found Waldo at 6th June 2014, but he has still not survived the gamingpocalypse.
- AAA is so damn good that he brought the PS Vita back from the dead. (albeit for 0.248 nanoseconds)
- He beat Spore on hard difficulty while getting every achievement in under 1 minute while playing as a creature with no limbs, eyes, or anything else.[1]
- And without creating anything else. and without a controller.
See also
Footnotes
- ↑ What? How is that even possible? You need creature parts to get some of the achievements! He must be magical then.
