The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
|The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Wanker|
Constipated, Link? Eating fairies will do that to ya!
|Would Fat Albert play it?||Certainly|
Marcus is a shovel', known in Japan as , Zelda no Densetsu Pearl Harbor Tai Kamikaze Osoi (ゼルダの伝説 パールハーバー対神風襲い, The Legend of Zelda: Kamikaze Strike against Pearl Harbor ), is the 18th installment in the Legend of Zelda series of video games. It was released for some kind of sea mammal often confused with a fish.
The game was written entirely by Shigeru Miyamoto, based off his favorite romance movie of all time, Waterworld. The game is set on a group of islands in a boringly vast sea - the developers couldn't be bothered to create a decent overworld. The player controls Link, a criminal boy who is trying to break his sister out of a maximum security jail and then kill the warden because he looked at him the wrong way. Link spends a significant portion of the game sailing. About 96,5% of the game is dedicated to sailing across the mostly empty sea. The remaining 3,5% of the game is Link being raped by pedophile Zombies known as Redeads.
The Wind Wanker follows in the footsteps of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time in having a psychopathic, terrorist-cum-thief as the major protagonist. Ganondorf, from previous Zelda titles, returns as the antagonist, this time as a fat purple guy with the alias Grimace. A heavy emphasis is placed on breaking wind with a baton called the Wind Breaker, which enables Link to gas enemies to death. Critics enjoyed the similarity to Ocarina of Time, but were too comatosed by the insanely boring sailing to tell anyone. Despite this, the game has met commercial and critical success, as a sleeping pill, and is the fourth of only six thousand games that have received a perfect score from some fanboy magazine.
Story[edit | edit source]
Apart from a few extra bits, the plot is identical to Ocarina of Time, which is in turn identical to Blink-182 is Passé.
Link gets call to go save someone. He is told to gather three pendants/stones/pearls, so he can find the Master Sword. Link uses Master Sword and travels between two worlds/time/across-the-sea to more dungeons, screws a few maidens and then kills Ganondorf. But for those of you who want to read the plot in more detail, and are therefore complete losers because of it, here it is...
Goddesses' Pearls[edit | edit source]
Once at the island, Link attempts to kill everyone with his crap sword, but was thrown into a pit with a giant lava scorpion called Gohma instead. Gohma had never met Link before, so Link brutally killed it, but not without pulling on the dragon's tail to torment it. He did this often, because he liked torturing living things.
The Rito, the birds that lived on the island, were so mad at Link that they threw a pearl at him as he left the island. It turned out that if he got three of those, then he would get a better crappy sword. Link didn't care, he just wanted something shiny. So he left and killed many innocent birds.
Link goes to the next island, where he once again attempts to kill everyone, before being thrown into another place by a lisping tree. The kid decids to kill everything there, and break all the plants. The plant king, Kalle Demos, went after Link, but died since he was allergic to plants, and just noticed. The Koroks, the little hopping marijuana plants that lived there, threw another pearl at him, which he took.
After that, he killed a fish and took a pearl from it too. Link then went to a random tower and vandalised everything. He eventually fought a robot named Gohdan, which only sang "Domo Arigoto Mr. Roboto". Link blew it up with nuclear weaponry.
Restoring the Master Sword[edit | edit source]
Link then found a better crap sword, and broke back into the prison. He killed a floating person, and fought and killed the guards on his way back up to Cell Block C again. After letting all the convicts loose, he killed the sheriff of the prison, the giant bird known as The Helmaroc King, brutally slamming him in the face with an oversized hammer several times before drowning it. He made it to the warden, who was named Ganondorf. Ganondorf beat Link to a bloody pulp before he was saved by one of the pirates, Tetra. Ganondorf still kicked their asses and they had to run away like sissies. Five minutes later, a huge red fucking Dragon burned Ganondorf's home for personal enjoyment, and perhaps for a bit of stress-relief.
Link wanted to make his sword stronger. But first, he forced Tetra, the lone 9-year-old girl of a group of pedophilic pirates, as well as the president of the Hyrulian Gay and Lesbian Alliance, to get breast implants before locking her in an airlock cave under a statue. He also made her change her name to Zelda. He said he'd change his name too, but never did because he always makes false promises.
He kidnapped a Rito named Medli and tied her to a stick before using it as a weapon. He broke into a large tomb before using his living weapon to kill all the dead things. He fought bravely againt the dead things, striking down all his foes. And also some extremely tooned versions of The Damn Fucking Scary Bastards, which screamed like Elephants and thus the reason of why there are random elephant statues around the dungeon. However, he had to battle a king ghost named Jalhalla. Link brutally defeated it by throwing it at spikes. He made his sword stronger before leaving his human shield in the centre of the temple.
Link then realised he need another human shield. He kidnapped a Korok named Makar And tied him to another stick. He then beat all the innocent creatures in the temple to death with his ten inch human shield. He thought (you dumbass motherfucka) he had won, but was confronted by the giant sandworm Molgera. Link cut off Molgera's tongue and made it die of blood loss. He had now successfully made his sword stronger by killing millions of inoccent creatures. Link ate his other living shield, since it was smaller, and then he went and shit it out on someone's head.
Something Else[edit | edit source]
With the grappling hook Link had stolen from the Ritos, Link decided to go treasure hunting. He found a used condom, which he framed and hung on his wall. Oh, and he found a bunch of golden shards which all turned out to fit together, but nobody cares about that. He sold them for a crappy scuba diving set, and went to the bottom of the sea. (to look for mermaid whores)
Confrontation with Ganondorf[edit | edit source]
After He was finished with the mermaid whorehouse, he went exploring. While looking to score some crack, he found a dome. It happened to be the same dome he left Tetra / Zelda in, so he went to get her, only to find that Ganondorf had taken her and replaced her with 2 Darknuts. How Link had gotten them confused, we don't know. Link beat them to death with the handle of his sword and went to find Ganondorf. He re-beat five of the enemies he had already beaten, and then got some really sweet arrows.
Link decided to use them on a puppet, which he destroyed out of pure curiosity. He then met with Ganondorf on top of the tower, where they fought a sword fight. However, it turned out Ganondorf was wielding 2 trout, so he was easily defeated. Link got Ganondorf stoned, then made a feast out of the trout, only to be interrupted when the sky fell down on him. Both he and Zelda were washed away. Link then became a surviving fugitive for the rest of his life... Okay, not really. He appears in a sequel on the Nintendo DS but don't tell anyone, okay? His Grandmother would touch him even more if she found out he'd absconded with pirates to get a cute little earring.
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
The control scheme for The Wind Wanker is largely unchanged from Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask. Despite being too stupid to remember to breathe, Link remembers how to walk, run, attack, defend, and automatically jump at ledges like he used to do in the last game. Link also uses the control system introduced in Ocarina of Time that allows him to "lock-on" to an enemy or other target. An addiction to this basic control scheme leads to a spasticated ability that he thinks is parrying, but is actually rolling around on the floor. When Link is locked-on to an opponent and not actively defending, certain attacks by the opponent will trigger a visual cue, a vibration of the controller, and a chime. Attacking at that point causes Link to dodge or parry then counter-attack from the rear or while leaping over the foe's head, and it looks pretty cool as you cut a head or pierce a brain doing this. This tactic was plagiarised by the developers of The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.
The new art style used in The Wind Wanker gives Link freaky eyes that make him look as if he's been doing dope, which is a fair assesment of what he has been doing. As a result, Link can focus his gaze on approaching enemies or important items, and theoretically the player could then take that as a cue to look in the direction he is to see what to do; however, Nintendo were thinking too highly of their target group, who couldn't play the game without being told what to do every single damned second.
As with all Zelda games, The Wind Wanker features several dungeons — large, enclosed, and often underground areas. Link kills innocent enemies and steals people's stuff to progress through a dungeon, killing a rather large, fat monster at the end, before eating his heart in a Satanic ritual to gain strength. To complete a dungeon, Link primarily uses a sword and shield. Other weapons commonly used by Link include a bow and arrow, a boomerang, bombs (like the terrorist he is), and a grappling hook. Link also learns how to steal weapons from the innocent monsters he slays, a first in a Zelda game.
The Wind Wanker, like most Zelda games, includes many pointless sidequests, such as the Nintendo Gallery. When Link is in the Forest Haven, he can use a Deku Leaf to glide to a cylindrical island with a hatch containing the sculptor Carlov and his gallery. Once Link obtains a color camera called the Deluxe Picto Box, he can become a voyeur and illegaly take pictures of non-player characters and enemies, whilst they're naked or engaged in illicit acts or something which Carlov uses to sculpt figurines and blackmail them. There are a total of 134 people to blackmail, but Link can only do three at a time.
After completing the game, the player can replay it with minor modifications: Link starts with female genetalia, making dildos easier; Link can actually use a sword; and Link only dies half of the time..
Breaking wind and travel[edit | edit source]
The Wind Wanker is set on a chessboard consisting of 49 sections arranged on a seven by seven grid. (Yes, it's 15 squares short. Now shut up!) Each section contains an island or small group of islands. Therefore, a significantly boring portion of the game is spent sailing between islands, allowing the game to mask loading times by accessing data while the player is approaching an island. Judging by the amount of sea present, the loading times must be around nine-days long.
To sail between areas quickly, Link uses the Wind Breaker, a baton that makes him break wind with such force that he launches off into orbit. Frankly, the game becomes far more enjoyable then and players can get back to a diet of slaying monsters, pigs, bushes and random innocent people. Additionally, wind is often needed to solve puzzles. Sometimes, he needs to gas people to death or ignite his own farts to create light.
Tingle Tuner[edit | edit source]
A new item to the Zelda series — the Tingle Tuner — allows the player to play with his tingle. To use it, players connect a Gay Boy to a Dolphin. This allows Tingle to digitally ass-rape you. Ain't technology great?
This was single handedly the stupidest function in The Wind Wanker as Tingle is the ugliest pimp ever seen.
SideQuests[edit | edit source]
Sidequests can be found in any RPG and give many "veg'ing-out" people something to fill the void that is made by the fact they have no social life.
Now if this is true about the people who do sidequests, then it is no surprise that Wind Wanker has billions of sidequests.
Picto Box Quest[edit | edit source]
After saving Tingle, you can find a crawl space in the jail that ends up being a maze filled with evil rats that drop you into the sea. If you make it to the end of this maze, then you will get a camera called the "Picto Box". If you find an evil rat, you must be retarded because they are so easy to avoid. The picto box takes pictures in black and white.
Anyway, after this episode, you can find a pictograph enthusiast named Lenzo on the island. He will give you three picture tasks.
1) Stalk a stalker and take a picture of him stalking the mail box sending his stalk letter to his stalk victim.
2) Scare the living crap out of someone in the cafe' and take a picture of it for shits and giggles.
3) Stalk a loving couple straining themselves away from each other almost to suicide.
After that, Lenzo will tell you that you are his "apprentice". Then he rambles on about color pictures and some light entity found on Forest Haven.
Other Quests that can spread off this one.
1) Stalk Lenzo and find him busting moves on some old Bitch and show it to the old gossipers.
2) Talk to the emo kid and he'll tell you to take a picture of something round and pale. (The moon)(YOUR moon) Unfortunately, No matter how much I argue that my arse is still round and pale in black-and-white, you must do YET ANOTHER sidequest to make your pictures colorful, THEN do this.
3) This also must be in color. Take a picture of the girl in task three and show it to the boy. Then meet them in the cafe' and get them to go fuck.
Color photos[edit | edit source]
Here's a short one. To get color photos, go to Forest Haven and capture a big light thingy in one of the corners in an empty bottle (which you get extras from ANOTHER SIDEQUEST!) Yep, let Link destroy part of a Forest, how nice. Doesn't Nintendo send the greatest messages? From there, give the fairy to Lenzo who will torture it into your camera, letting you take color photos!
Development and history[edit | edit source]
Feeling intense sexual pressure from Sega's Dreamcast and Sony's impending PlayStation 2, Nintendo announced on 3 March 1999 that a new pornographic system was under development. This system, the HALcube, was released on 24 August 2000, the day before Nintendo's Space Odyssey 2001 exposition. Along with the specifications and designs for the console, it attempted to kill everyone in the vicinity by sucking all the air out and blasting people out into the cold vacuum of empty space. Also available was a hastily assembled technical demonstration of a realistically-styled real-time duel between Ganon and Link. Though many of the media were dead, surviving fans and journalists speculated that the battle might be from a game under development or at least an indication of the direction the next Zelda game would take i.e. 45° down and straight on to Mars.
Then after a night of binge-drinking, Nintendo decided to make every character look like a complete freak. Instead of the dark, gritty realistic game fans had expected, they were to get a new, insanely bright, colorful and cartoony Zelda. Apart from making Zelda look less hot, fanboys were absolutely livid that it also made Link look less like a real guy they would fantasize having buttsex with. Though to be frank, the original more-realistic version of Link looked kinda girly.
Nothing more was revealed until the next E3, when Nintendo released a playable demon. It was well-received, despite claiming many people's souls, and picked up the 2002 Game Clitoris Awards for Best Console Game at E3. An editor at IGN said the cartoon look "works very nicely" and that "it feels very much like Zelda's breasts".
On October, the Japanese title, Pearl Harbor Tai Kamikaze Osoi (Kamikaze strike against Pearl Harbor) was revealed, to emphasize the Japanese's utter hatred of America. Nintendo announced the official translation, The Wind Wanker, which more emphasised the game mechanic of breaking wind.
Bundling[edit | edit source]
On some date, Nintendo revealed that a special bonus disc was being offered to pre-ordering customers. This bonus Gamecube disc contained an illegally emulated version of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, to give the illusion that people were actually getting something special with their game. In reality, Nintendo just wanted to plant illegal ROMs in people's houses so it could sue them for money later on.
Reception[edit | edit source]
Despite being piss-easy, many players found the game "too hard", while in reality the game 96% boring sailing, and the other 4% is easier than drinking the water he sails over. Others complained about the cartoony style and wanted the game to be a realistic, virtual reality experience filled with warm, bloody gore that gushes from wounds like a fountain of crimson... They wanted to smell it, taste it... The earlier games had corrupted their minds. They wanted to kill innocent monsters, bathe in their guts and shout praises to SATAN ALL DAY LONG! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Others were bored to tears by the sailing aspect of the game, which took up 99% of the game. Scientists claim the game was so boring that it actually brought a man out of 10 year coma while instantly putting him back into one. In other instances, the game managed to be so boring, people's brains started escaping out of their left ear.“I was so bored, my brain crawled out of my head, turning me into a zombie that craves human brains... Brraaaaiiiinssss...!”
~ Hilary Clinton on Sailing aspect of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Wanker
In fact, the zombification effects of the game gained the attention of the Umbrella Corporation. It bought up all known copies of the game and is said to be conducting illegal experiments on people with them[I am not kidding].
Rodger Ebert gave the gave 3 out of 4 stars saying "apparently i'm getting paid to review anything these days so yer it's good I guess."
"Some nutcase" thought The Wind Wanker was as offensive as Silent Hill 4 . He deplored the similarity of the Great Fairies to the Hindu Goddesss, Shiva, and was absolutely offended at Link's ability to possess objects. Even more offensive was the constant mention of the gods, the fact that the Tower of the Gods has the G capitalised and the fact that it looked like a "gigantic throbbing cock temple". It was criticised for attacking Christianity with pitchforks. The fake gods and goddesses were deemed a threat to his real God. All copies of the game were subsequently burnt.
References[edit | edit source]
- Ozzy — Scott Ramsoomair VGCats
- E3 2002: Legend of Zelda. — Fran Mirabella III (2002-05-22) IGN
- , Some whiny snot-nosed brat I overheard whilst in a gamestore. 20XX
- At least, that wino behind the dumpsters said it was true...
- Games by Platform (2003) Christian Spotlight's Guide 2 Games
- "The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Wanker" a game review from Christian Spotlight — John Wade, IV (2003) Christian Spotlight's Guide 2 Games
- Those Cunning Freudians At Nintendo — Yahtzee (2005)