UnNews:Hyrule physicists report quantum fluctuations
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
21 August 2008
CASTLE TOWN, Hyrule -- Top scientists at the Hyrule Institute of Technology are reporting strange fluctuations in the fabric of space-time. HIT officials are being extremely secretive about the findings, but did shed some light on the matter this morning in a press conference. "We don't yet know enough about the anomalies to give out any kind of information to the public," said one noted Zora quantum physicist. "While this could potentially turn into a serious situation, we urge the public not to panic at this time, and to wait until our notice to begin panicking properly."
As to the cause of these mysterious fluctuations, scientists can only speculate. "The most likely reason for these space-time tears is time travel," said Hyrule Tech graduate student Malin. "Single trips forward or backward in time are relatively harmless to the Hyrule universe, but repeated forays between times could lead to permanent damage."
Law enforcement officials, heeding these allegations of some sort of time-vandal, have over-reacted accordingly. They have issued an all-points bulletin for the adventurer Link, who just last year was arrested on charges of property damage. The self-admitted vandal served six months in a juvenile detainment "happy camp" atop Death Mountain, but it seems that he has reverted back to his old ways. "Why, just the other day I emerged from my front door, and found the bushes that once covered my front lawn had been hacked to pieces!" said Kakariko Village resident Maurice Lastname. "Granted, I haven't been out of my house in years because of those damn shrubs, and now I can finally go pick up my wife from her Moblin needlepoint class. But really, it's the principle of the thing!"
Local citizens have been urged not to confront Link should he appear. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous, and also possesses boots which allow him to accelerate rapidly and evade capture. It is thought that he is using some sort of musical device to travel through time repeatedly; current information points to some sort of 'Harpsichord of Time' which Link carries around with him, along with his boomerang, sword, shield, fractions of heart containers, rupees, arrows, bombs, grappling devices, giant hammers, and live poultry. "How he manages to carry all of that plus a large musical instrument is just another puzzling element of the case," said Goron Police Chief Daruto. "I would be impressed if he managed to carry so much as an ocarina around with him on top of all that junk, nevermind a large stringed instrument."
The Past • Back to the Future • Bill & Ted • Blackadder • Butterfly effect • Doctor Who • Dude, Where's My Time Machine? • End of Time • Flux capacitor • Future Santa • Ghost of Christmas Past • HowTo:Beat jet lag • HowTo:Go back in time and assassinate Hitler • HowTo:Travel Through Time • International Date Line • The IATT • Laws of Time Travel • SIDRAT • Space-Time Collapse • Stargate • STL • TARDIS • Temporal paradox • Temporal Prime Directive • Time machine • Time Travel Patents • Uncertainty Principle • Wayback Machine • The Present • UnBooks:Instant Messaging Translation Guide for 19th Century English Gentlemen • UnBooks:The Complete Asshole's Guide to Time Travel • UnNews:Correspondent travels back in time... • What If?:Dentists could time travel? • Why?:Won't time travel be invented? • Why?:Time Travel is Impossible • Why?:You Should Never Mess with the Space Time Continuum • The Future
Sources
- Skull Mask Kid "Hyrule cracks down on quantum vandalization" The Daily Hylian, August 21, 2008
