~ Waterworld on Waterworld“My favorite part of the movie was the fact that girls were wet all the time!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Waterworld
Waterworld is a film about a world made completely of water. It was hailed as one of the most original American films of the 20th century. It was also the last movie Kurt Russell made before no one would hire him to star in a movie ever again.
Waterworld has been described as Mad Max on water. Since there are no cars, dust, Australians, Australian accents or acting in Waterworld, the comparison is lacking.
Pirates on top of super-charged nitrous injected jetskis scream down the blue highway of the Atlantic Ocean, engaging in spectacular on-seas battles to capture the world's last remaining abandoned oil tankers, for the precious "juice", as explained by the movie's opening synopsis:
"My life fades the vision dims. All that remains are memories. I remember a time of chaos ruined dreams in these vacant waters. But most of all, I remember the Sea Warrior the man we called The Mariner. To understand who he was, you have to go back to another time when the world was powered by the black fuel and the ground sprouted great cities of pipe and steel. Gone now swept away. For reasons long forgotten, two mighty warrior tribes went to war and touched off a blaze that melted the ice caps. Without land they were nothing. They'd built a house of straw. The thundering machines sputtered and drowned. Their leaders talked and talked and talked but nothing could stem the waterfall. Their world sunk, the cities submerged. A tsunami of looting a hurricane of fear. Men began to feed on men. On the oceans it was a floating nightmare. Only those buoyant enough to scavenge hydrodynamic enough to pillage would survive. The gangs took over the seas ready to wage war for a tank of juice. And in this whirlpool of decay ordinary men were battered and smashed. Men like The Mariner the Sea Warrior. In the roar of an propeller, he lost everything and became a shell of a man a washed out, desolate man a man haunted by the demons of his past. A man who wandered out into the oceans. And it was here in this wet place that he learned to live again."
Somehow, a lot of ice melted, making the Earth's inhabitants abandon all types of regular society in just a day. Suddenly, people were floating around, building cheap flotillas and trying to find regular shit, such as dirt, paper and soup. Strangely enough, everyone on this dirtless planet is covered in dirt.
Plot and Characters
- The Mariner, coincidentally played by Kevin Costner, was floating around on one of the fastest boats ever seen on this world. It was covered in armor and had lots of guns and traps all over it. He was also a mermaid or an alien or something since he had gills and webbed feet.
- Dr. Evil is the evil doctor who floats around on his big oil tanker looking for dirt and more smokes. His gang is called the Smokers but many have adopted strict anti-smoking pledges. In fact, you barely ever see ANYONE smoke. Since the good guys are good guys, they smoke a lot, since everyone knows smoking is good for you. VERY good for you. It makes you cool, and that's why everyone thinks "Dr. Evil" is "uncool".
- Annoying little girl who cannot quit graffitteeing shit is a very annoying little girl who cannot quit graffitteeing things. She has this weird tattoo map that "Dr. Evil" wants so he can use it to find the gold at the end of the rainbow. Did I mention she's an annoying little girl?
- Some chick is crucial to the plot as she is the token attractive female. Well, not really very attractive, and the only reason the Mariner doesn't kill her is because she puts out. Sometimes.
- Everyone else was hired so that there wouldn't be 5 people in a movie about water.
The Mariner gets mad after a yachting gang kills his family. Then he gets a tip from a totally unknown stranger who he had never, ever seen, which he - naturally - followed and went to a flotilla. There some unknown poor people wanted him to have sex with a hot Asian chick. He met a weird guy who flew a basket attached to an inflated scrotum.
The Mariner and aforementioned girls float around trying to escape Dr. Evil, and eventually blow up his nice "leisure yacht" and all his smokes, leading him into massive withdrawals, since no one else wants to give him smokes. After the credits he is seen travelling back to 1959 to start his plan of defeating Austin Powers. Kevin Bacon or whatever his name is in this movie (probably Mel Gibson or Kurt Russel) finds some Japanese land with a couple skeletons and dives back in the ocean, stranding people there since he sinks the boat by accident or something, ANYTHING to get this movie over with.
- Kevin Costner as Mel Gibson as Mad Max as Kevin Costner as Aquaman
- Asuka Sohryu Langley as the hot Asian-looking chick
- Mr T as the Deacon of Exxon Valdez
- Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow
- F. Murray Abraham as the Dirt Broker
- You as that guy nobody really cared about
- Rose O'Donnel as that big fish the Mariner catches
- Dr. Evil in a cameo appearance as himself