Deep Rock Galactic

“If you ‘rock and stone’, you’re never alone.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Deep Rock Galactic is an experience for only the most seasoned gamers, and has many trials and tribulations in order to enter the cult of the community. Deep Rock, hence onward referred to as Deep Cock, is basically just playing a disgruntled coal mine employee, with three of your worst enemies and infinite spiders trying to kill you on sight unless you are a few inches off the ground.

Welcome to Coxxes IV

“SO MANY MINERS!”

~ Drake on Coxxes IV

You are a dwarf and you're digging a hole. Diggy diggy hole. Diggy diggy hole. As a dwarf you are called to do two things, both of which do not require using any intelligence, so you should be good. You are meant to shoot bug, mine rock and/or stone. There are several different jobs to do on Coxxes, most of which do not require you to use your brain, but are significantly easier if you do.

Mission Directives

As previously mentioned, there are several different reasons why someone would want to risk their life on the most xenophobic planet in the galaxy. Morkite is important, that's about all we dwarves know. Each mission also gets a randomly generated name, such as Engineer's armpit.

Mine Morkite

This mission literally embodies the entire game, as the entire mission is mine and shoot. Not much to say here.

Egg Hunt

The cave has ovaries, and you're here to steal them for "research" purposes, but we all know what you really are going to use them for. And no, this is not an easter-themed mission.

Point Extraction

Just mine big rock in wall, wall glow bright blue. Bring back to minehead, deposit and leave. The more time you spend, the worse it gets, so speedrun these when you can. Also nobody knows why it's called point extraction instead of something easier for the average dwarf to understand.

Refinery

Just point extraction but you have become the US military, looking for the Morkite equivalent of oil. Build pipes, get Morkite, leave.

Escort Duty

You have been charged with guarding a giant tank of a drill, lovingly named Doretta. The mission would be fine, if it weren't for the fact that Doretta is a huge bitch who will scream after being touched in any way. Your target is this giant sentient rock which you must kill so an engineer can get his death ray. Doretta also dies at the end of the mission, and any dwarf who does not bring back her head is doomed to be the objective of salvage missions. This mission is surprisingly difficult compared to other mission types, and it is advised you drag your friends (or lack thereof) into playing these missions.

Deep cock's useless equipment (doretta image)

Salvage

Some dwarves who were massive bitches finally got what was coming to them, and died on Coxxes, and it is your duty to make sure the company does not lose assets because of this. Go in, get the mini mules, have Mission Control scream at you, and then finally leave.

Elimination

As much as the name suggests, it is not about C4ing the scout that just used his grappling hook, but is rather about doing a boss rush of big spiders. There are three different types of these fat bastards, the regular flavor, the really fucking annoying spawner flavor, and Jessie and James.

Industrial Sabotage

Ever wondered if anyone else decided to also invade Coxxes? Well someone has, and they're not you. Introducing the rival corporation, whose name is kind of shit, and their tech is really fucking annoying. They are sometimes called the US military/tourists by the dwarves, especially when in a certain biome that will not be named. You have to blow up a giant pyramid looking bastard after disabling its shield.

Deep Scan

The newest mission type, added for season 5 of the battle pass. Another mission involving Morkite, you are here to enter a giant geode and eat all of the sunflower Morkite seeds inside. But before you ride the Drillevator down, you have to go find and scan a bunch of boring crystals so that Mission Control knows where the geode is. Not like they sent you into the cave because they knew there was a geode there anyways.

Biomes

Do I even need anything here describing what a biome is? There are biome specific enemies, beware Hollow Bough Birmingham, Enor Pearl here, et cetera.

Crystalline Caverns

Literally the most basic biome, with Jadiz and pepto-Bismor being the regionals. The main hazard is the shockingly large crystals. There are no exclusive enemies.

Salt Pits

Extremely basic biome, having Ender Pearls and Bismore(?). Has only one unique enemy that is absolutely infuriating, which are the fucking pillbugs.

Radioactive Exclusion Zone

Literally just three-mile island. To hell with the raw uranium-235 piles sitting everywhere. Since there are enemies here, the spooders have adapted to this hell, and are now resistant to anything nuclear. Also some of the big spooders now have become death, the destroyers of dwarves, and somehow achieved biological nuclear processes, as they give off alpha/beta/sigma particles on command. The regionals are just emeralds (named umanite) and enor pearls. If all of that wasn't weird enough, sometimes ERR://019%T#/ will appear.

Sandblasted Corridors

Do you like the bitch? No? Too bad, you have an assignment mission here. It's just a Minecraft desert cave. No big rock or stone in sight, so the dwarves hate it. As for environmental hazards, there are plants that launch grenades, and sandblasting tunnels, which will blast you across the caves to your death. The one biome specific enemy is the sand shark, which may drag you across the floors, frantically trying to clean them. Regionals are more Enor Pearls and Magnetite but it's spelled wrong. Also, we do a little trawling here.

we do a bit of trawling

Glacial Strata

Remember Fukushima from before? Yeah the enemies are the same but colder, with resistance to cold. The big spooders also have construction breath, making anywhere they use it a slow traffic zone. Also sometimes a snowstorm will freeze you solid. The regionals are more Magnite and Umanite.

Azure Weald

The best biome. Hands down. The amount of passive creatures is far greater than any other biome, with a few odd regional phenomena. Most notably, p[[[[[[[{0}]]]]]]]q, which makes anything that enters it tougher. There is also the moon pit, which gives you moon shoes and a red bull. There are no unique enemies, unless you count air taxis, such as the flying rays as evil for stealing the scout from your team so he can't actually do his job. The regionals are Croppa and Umanite.

Fungus Bogs Fucking Hell

Yeah, nobody actually likes this biome, and if they are, they're lying. It is intolerable aside from one singular thing and that is the m u s h r o o m. The m u s h r o o m is an object used to any Mission Control, mush in the same way that compressed nazi gold sends him over the edge. Anyways, enough about the bloody mushroom. Get back to work. The hell part, is because of everybody's favorite mechanic - player limits. Mostly movement here, there is shrek's special sauce sprinkled throughout the caves, slowing down anything that walks in it. This makes the scout that grappled over it easy pickings for the driller. And any glyphids or whatever. There is also poisonous gas mushrooms, which are really annoying except for the war criminal. He can simply [[axe them a question to make them safe. Regionals are all the croppa on Coxxes and Jadiz.

Dense Biozone

Do you love getting gangbanged? Dense Biozone is just the place for you. There are small enemies literally by the thousands. It is a full on race war on both the air and ground, and you are on the dwarves side. Thankfully, with the power of the US Military budget, you are bound to win. There are no unique enemies, and the regionals are Bismore and Umanite.

Magma Core Literal Hell

This biome is just Dante's Inferno but for dwarves. It is all on fire. There are fire geysers that explode if you break them. The maggots are fucking pipebombs. There are fire vents everywhere. Any explosions make magma blocks. Literally everything burns you to death. The environment is one giant hazard. In a rare act of mercy Ghost Ship put no extra regional enemies to deal with. Speaking of regionals, there is Magnite and Croppa.

Hollow Bough Birmingham

Have you ever wanted to suffer? Are you a masochist? Well then welcome to Birmingham. Here we have your average residents, barbed wire and sentient barbed wire with a knife. Also Amazon's beehives. They suck. For notable plants(?) there are goo sacs. There is Jadiz and Bismor, so it is a worse Crystalline Caverns.

Mission Events

There are several events that can happen during missions, most of which are just bossfights.

It's literally just bossfights

To start, there is the chonker, which is a big gun on legs which has returned to nature. There is the weed, which is a multi-entity boss, requiring everything (or almost everything) spawned by it to be destroyed, or even damaged. There is the prospector, which throws explosives at you, along with a ton of costly mining defense equipment. There is the cocoon, which just spreads Covid-19. There is also the obelisk which just breaks the space-time continuum and summons portals that spawn little men with Parkinsons. And finally, if you like elimination missions, sometimes a dreadnought randomly spawns in your area.

Well yes, but actually no

There are also the (not) bosses which are basically bosses that roam, such as the NEMESIS, which is manufactured by the same company as the prospector, and is far more dangerous. It can yoink you, it can wall you, and most importantly, it can shoot Big Macs. And then there is the big suicide bomber spooder, and the golden edition. They go boom on death, killing anything inside the radius. Except the gold one, it's special. Its crater is golden when it dies. They also get really angry and slam the ground sometimes if you're too close. It does a lot of damage.

Cosmetics/Everything Else

One of the biggest parts of Deep Rock Galactic is the ability to make your dwarf look as stupid as possible, and some mission events allow you more freedom to do that. There is the cargo crate, which requires you finding two Duracell batteries in order to open the crate. There is also the lost pack/helmet/whatever the fuck you call it that means that someone else is giving you equipment, because of their death in the mines. As for the one uncategorized event, it is just rocket boots. Like, you can fly. They have a heat meter (normally) so you can't fly forever. However, they are somehow both guaranteed and disallowed on one mission. The crate containing them will never spawn on deep scans, because you need better ones to get yourself out of the drillivator hole.

Seasonals

Deep Cock Gaylacdick is a game just like any other modern game, which means it has a battle pass. In practice though, it is much more bearable due to the fact that this pass is actually free. Each season has a story associated with it, and has different seasonal events (and bosses) included. Season 1 introduced the Wi-Fi router and Verizon tower, both of which have to be blown up. As for bosses it introduced the nemesis and prospector. Season 2 doesn't count because it was just a worse season 1. Season 3 gave us the tower of covid, which needs its hands washed forcefully, after which it explodes, much like a gamer. Season 4 gave us the cocoon, which was mentioned before. Season 5 gave us the obelisks.

The Space Rig

This is the place you will spend half your time on the game, and most of it will be spent drinking.

The homebase area, which is well decorated and has more things to do than you would think at first glance. There are a thousand different terminals, all of which you will learn eventually and many barrels to kick into the launch bay, or glitch into the top hangar. The space rig also periodically gets a new look whenever a new season drops, usually decorating the rig with objects from the season, such as the hand sanitizer guns from seasons 3&4. Occasionally, there will also be annual seasonal events, such as celebrating (Rock)toberfest, which have a ton of decorations added, along with limited time assignments.

Abyss Bar

“Can I get a round of leaf lovers?”

~ Formerly alive Scout

This is the most traveled spot on the entire space rig, thus why it has its own section. You can order alcohol, you can play games, there is a jukebox, endless entertainment is available. At the actual bar, there are three types of beer you can order, the company standards, the craft(able) beer, and the daily special. There are three two company standards, oily oaf, glyphid slammer, and nothing else. For craft beer, there are many different available options, all of which have some fun effect, like making you explode. You cannot take them with you.  The daily special is the final type, and it gives you some boost during the next mission.  There is only ever one daily special available at a time, and reloading the entire rig, joining another lobby, or anything similar will make you magically undrunk.  Going into a mission while drunk is possible, and highly advised.

Around the bar, there are also some games which you can play.  They are simple enough for a dwarf to understand, and thus are really boring, such as flappy bird Jetty Boot and a barrel kicking minigame.  Jumping into the hoop will result in death, a fate far better than being sent to Coxxes.  There is also a jukebox, with several pirated songs.  They had the grace to add streamer mode so the stupid vtubers don’t get themselves banned.

Commons

This is where all the terminals are.  You want anything?  There’s a terminal for it.  Minerals?  Terminal.  Drip?  Terminal.  More drip?  Terminal.  Big gun?  Terminal.  I think you get it.

Memorial Hall

This is where you can upgrade your characters, alongside paying respects to the fallen or whatever, such as your intelligence after finding a compressed gold chunk.

Mission Control

This is your Houston, and he actually cares about you and your crew.  Keep annoying him though, it’s really funny.

Classes

These are your characters, which are more so classes then characters since different options on customization are plentiful, but whichever works I guess?  Each class comes with one of three primary weapons and secondary weapons, all with different mods attached to each.

gun

I am heavy weapons guy, and this is my weapon.

Anyways, enough references to Funny Hat Simulator.

You have big gun, and must shoot everything in sight.  Very simple class, just shoot everything.  Baby’s first big gun is literally just the mini gun from the aforementioned funny hat simulator.  The second is an anti-aircraft gun that does nothing special against macterrors.  The third is just a North Korean missile silo, with manual guidance for the missiles.  As for secondaries, the first makes it high noon all the time, the second lives up to its name, and the third fires tungsten cubes.

scout

I’m a frickin blur here!

Okay I said enough before, but that clearly wasn’t enough.  The scout is the class designed to run straight into any and every leech in the cave, driller explosive, and off every cliff, resulting in a lack of legs.  The scout may have a grappling hook that can somehow break falls, but that’s assuming it’s prepared to be used to break a fall.  It has no ammo, but requires some time between uses.  So when playing the war criminal, then is the best time to bomb them.  As for primary weapons, there is the assault rifle, the sniper rifle, and the futuristic assault rifle.  The secondaries consist of: shotgun, dual eagles, and crossbow.

c4

“I love war crimes!”

~ Oscar Wilde

The (objectively) best class, the war criminal is heavily armed with several different ways to atomize the enemies, of which only one is an actual gun.  The primaries are all based in “elemental” damage, with the flamethrower being the starting weapon.  It is good, but the other primaries (mostly) invalidate its existence.  There is the high-functioning thermoelectric turbine cold air fan thingy, which is absolutely broken.  It freezes enemies, making them take an ungodly amount of damage.  And finally, there is the acid gun, which is incredible for teams who have no idea what they’re doing, which to be fair is most of them.  For secondaries, there is the subata, the only actual gun that the driller has.  It pairs well with either the Crispr or Pump, due to one of the upgrades it has.  Next is the EPC, standing for Every Part Crippled, because in almost every case, another secondary tends to outperform it.  Then there is the Colette, which is just a handheld microwave.  It does very very well with the cryo cannon.  For support, the driller has bricks of C4 which can be used to mine, but are better used against unsuspecting scouts or actual enemies.  For movement, you have a small handheld drill that takes a while to bore through rock and stone, due to its small bit radius.

engine

“I solve practical problems.”

~ Dell Conagher

Just like any other game, he has sentries/turrets.  He also is the least armed in terms of classes.  For primaries, he has a shotgun, electric smg, and aimbot.  For secondaries, he has an rpg, the portal gun but it’s sharp, and the handheld big fuck off laser.  For movement, every scout in existence wants an engineer because they can create platforms.

Enemies

There are about 15 different categories of enemies, half of which are just subspecializations of another category, specifically the one that is covered first.

Glyphids

These are the spooders that have been mentioned everywhere else.  They compose the majority of the enemies you will face, making up the backbone of several other subclasses of enemy.  All the dreadnoughts and bulk detonators are included here.

Macterror

These bastards fly, and they are the most annoying.  They also will materialize right in front of you sometimes.

Rival Tech

Just robots.  Fried circuit boards can’t process the deep shit they’re in messing with the dwarves. The Prospector, Caretaker, and nemesis fall under here.

Whip and Nae Naedocites

They in fact cannot hit that whip and nae nae, despite the name.  They fly, they are everywhere, they will gangbang you.  There are literally 4 enemies included in this category, two of which can be lumped under another enemy.

Lithophage

The coronavirus given life, all enemies with it will transmit ebola, monkeypox, or whatever diseases they have upon an attack landing, or close proximity because fuck you that’s why.  This is the category for the corrupter.

Stationary/Misc

This is just where everything else is.  With stationary horrors such as the spitballer, barrage baller, cave leech, and stabbervines.  The worst of misc include the we do a little trawling and beeg pillbugs.

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