No Man's Sky

“More like "No Man's Space" or "No Monkey's Atmosphere"”

~ Oscar Wilde

No Man's Sky
Note that no screenshot exists as every time somebody tries to shoot the screen, the computer crashes. That is how high res the game is.
Genre	Action adventure, survival, RPG - optionally: crime, shooter, racing, sandbox, multiplayer, horror. It depends on how you want to play.
Platform(s)	Windows, Mac, XBox, Playstation 3 and 4, Nintendo Switch

No Man's Sky is a massive game that allows you to explore 18 quintillion planets that are all ABSOLUTELY NOT procedurally generated.

Plot

The player starts on a random planet in the galaxy and needs to fix their stuff, which spontaneously caught fire for no particular reason!

After that, they must go to the center of the galaxy for some reason. On the way, the player finds out what he is (a Traveller - that's a capital T) and that the universe is a motherfucking simulation. That sucks.

Oh, and it takes exactly 10 years to finish playing. Or 10 seconds if you just teleport to the center of the galaxy and call it a day. Well, that's a small over exaggeration, but you get the general idea.

Development

Hello Games, no I am not saying hello to games. I'm saying the company name, which is Hello Games. Anyway, they have over 18.4 quintillion developers. This information is not confirmed, and it is known that at least 4 of these 18.4 quintillion developers actually exist. Some of them live on other (real life) planets - all creating (in-game) planets. For that reason, shouldn't real life be considered a simulation, too? I mean, what is "real life" anyway?

Development began in early 2010, and that included converting the moon into a data vault. Its announcement caused worldwide amazement and exactly 18 quintilion people wanted to play immediately.

The team had faced many roadblocks during development: a big flood destroyed all their work on Christmas eve; they had to convert the moon into a massive satellite just to make the game work - it uses so many bytes of data, there is no measurement for it!

The team will be finished sometime around 9042. But the game was released for early access in 2016, as Hello Games were losing money.

Early access launch

Here was artwork on one creature you may find. Note that artwork is not nearly as high res as the game itself, and the art has some glitches and errors that only pro NMS players could find. Was, as in it must have disappeared somehere.

Everybody hated it. It was not what they thought they were paying for. There was no multiplayer, planets were only 10% done, mountains looked shitty small, and there was no story. Everybody wanted a refund. Except one, who instead paid $4000 on a new gaming PC setup just to enjoy the game even more. But nobody cares about him.

The developers refused to give the refunds. After around 2017, they finished the planets. By 2018, they added multiplayer. Around that time, 2 billion players came back to play it, and started enjoying it again. Statistics show only 200 people use multiplayer today. What is your problem, people? Isn't this what you ASKED FOR!?

After another 4 years of development, they started work on another 18 quintillion planets, with the goal of creating "other galaxies". Why do we need more than one if the earth would be destroyed before the first galaxy is fully explored, anyway? They also tweaked the existing content an awful lot.

These include improved inventory, better sentinels (motherfuckers, they are. No, seriously, they make their mothers pregnant so they can reproduce).

The only thing it didn't fix was the crashes. It crashes all the time! Stand on a rock. Oops, it crashed! Enter your ship. Crashed again. Load the game. Well, it crashed again. The complete list of thing that make the game crash is below:

• Standing on rocks
• Entering your ship
• Exiting your ship
• Chopping trees
• Shooting a bullet
• Taking screenshots
• Not standing on a rock
• Killing animals
• Not killing animals
• Saving the game
• Cars
• Loading the game
• Sex

Rating

The game was rated a PEGI 7. What were those age-raters thinking!? This game is violent like hell! You kill animals, destroy ships, and it can get very gory at times. Also, those ABSOLUTELY NOT procedurally generated "developers' genitals" are most likely not good for a 7 year old...

Oh, you meant quality rating! Well, game sites rated it usually "favourable". The only reason it didn't get 10/10 is the age underrating issue. But it got higher points for the detail, including blood and detailed gore. And that other thing.

Building

The building in this game is just amazing. There are people who will literally build things 8 hours a day, those that build 128 a month, and some suckers who build 1 hour a month. But the latter are suckers, cursed to miss the part of this game that makes it so great. They're the ones missing out, not me.

Aliens

There are 3 alien factions that everyone knows of, another that isn't an alien but rather a glitch in the matrix. Oh and another that nobody has heard of..

Stinky Lizards

Look at him, he probably ate your brother! He looks like he might've eaten someone. Must be those damn farts, made his pray willingly crawl into his mouth to die. If I was that person who was farted at, I'd feel the same.

These racist creatures are so bad, they cannot be fully explained for fear that this entry will be taken down from Uncyclopedia by violating the rules. They will fart in your face with a funky gas that mind controls you. Their germs are so toxic, that anything that touches a gik has been recorded to die within 0.01 mili-nano-seconds. They used to hunt the smarty-head robots and melt them for materials. Evil, GIK SCUM! Deserve to die! Start hunting any gik you see today!

Smarty-pants robots

These things have no fear, sacrificed hundreds of themselves to turn the gik into less hostile buffoons, but this does not serve them justice! Anyone with a brain will know the gik do not deserve mercy after their extremely bad shit that would give him a wet dream.

Also they are smart, as the name suggests. And robots. Cool.

Brave, mighty warriors

Merciless gik hunters who will destroy any gik or sentinel on sight. And you as well if you show any ounce of mercy to gik. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

The amount of the Vy'Keen dying a peaceful death has frighteningly been rising. Please help get your local elderly Vy'Keen get into combat with any local gik criminal scum today. You will be serving the world a double favor.

Ugly robots that fly

These little sentinels, also called bastards, will fuck you. Have I already mentioned these fuckers before? I think I have, but they are that bad. There are factories that will mine an entire planet to nothingness to get all its resources, and the sentinels will do nothing about it. However, if you do as much as THINK about thinking about stroking a plant, the sentinel horde will come at you with the force of an entire army large enough to wipe out an entire galaxy of life! All I did was think of thinking about touching a plant, bastards. These guys are the worst.

Hacker-robots who like to hide

These robots are the smartest creature, and I'm not biased. I promise that this is what people have been saying. Not that anyone knows what the autophages are except for a very few.

Now all I need to do is somehow convince you that these things are real things in the game...

Traveler

Weird creatures who appear to know much more about the universe than even we do. They too are aware of the existence of the crimson orb, and many have gazed apon it with awe. Until realizing that the crimson god is a false god, and will be overthrown by the void mother!

Anomaly

The first, the last. Time is a mess, time has never flown correctly ever since loop 16 started counting down.

What's the "16" that just randomly appeared on the screen?

No, don't -kzzzktt- that! Doing so -kzzktt- brings bad -kzzktt-! -kzzkzttk- say it -kzzktt-, you hear me!?

The -kzzktt- represents the last 16 minutes of -kzzktt-. While it -kzzktt- 16 -kzzttkzzkttzz-, there is actually more -kzzzktt- in the simulation than the place the simulation -kzzktt- held.

During those times, the walls separating each universe break apart. With the walls -kzzktt-, all the Travellers will converge, to laugh and die, together. Sounds terrifying.

Also something about a black hole about to destroy the ATLAS in 16 minutes, or something like that. Oh and the void mother doing something about trying to save the universe or whatever. I don't get it that much. Who's side am I supposed to be on???

Weapons

The in-depth and exhaustive list of weapons is shown below:

• Multi-tool

That's it. No, really! Don't believe me? Play the game for yourself! I bet everything I own, its true!

Multi-tool weapon attachments

1. Laser beam: what more do I need to say? Too bad it's the weakest weapon in the game. Then again, fighting isn't its primary use. It's meant for mining rocks.
2. Blaze javelin: good for fighting fast enemies. Or for when you don't want to wait for 20 minutes for your bullet to hit its target.
3. Pulse spitter: very inaccurate, but crazy fast speed. You could waste 9,999 ammunition and still fail to hit a rock! Last time I checked, rocks don't move. That doesn't count!
4. Boltcaster: high power and range. An OP weapon considering it is the second one you come across. It literally destroys a thousand sentinels a second.
5. Plasma Launcher: the most OVER POWERED weapon to ever blast the face of a planet. Nobody uses it, but it is secretly the most powerful weapon in the game, with unlimited ammo, and the ability to destroy anything (and we mean everything) in the game in one single well aimed shot.
6. Flamethrower: legends say of a mythical weapon that the gods accidently gave some lucky people. The gods, being the way they always are, made the weapon unobtainable, but those people who already had it were able to keep their new fancy weapons. Now the only way to get this weapon is to cheat it into existance or be gifted one by one of those lucky players.

Starship

Errr.. A starship is not a weapon, it has weapons! Its still not a weapon!

1. Rocket launcher: no, it's way stronger than that. It literally 1-hit-KOs anything it hits, from enemy ships, trees, meteorites, asteroids, rocks, water, fish, people, computers, houses, and yourself. Yes, you!
2. Phase beam: whoo! It can regen your shield and deal damage at the same time! What's better than that? Too bad it can't suck the energy out of the steel hull of the enemies you shoot at.
3. Photon cannon: A bland simplistic weapon. Good lord, at least it can be upgraded.
4. Infra-Knife Accelerator: fucking hell! What was that explosion!? Oh, it was that planet over there. This weapon literally can deal TRILLIONS of damage in a nano-second. And that's without upgrades.
5. Cyclotron Ballista: shoots energy to disable electronics. It's that simple. It should have been called an EMP Ballista!
6. Positron Ejector: wait, I've never heard of this one! Apparently its in the game. I guess nobody uses it, meh.

And I still keep my stuff, cuz a starship is not a weapon, it only has weapons!

Pirates

No need to explain. You either are one, or you get eaten by one.

About the bet

No, no, no! You can't take my stuff, no! I said no! My dog! (Wait, I don't have a dog.) My house! (Wait, I don't have a house either.) NOOO, NOT MY STASH OF RADIOACTIVE MULTI-TOOLS! (Wait, you can take those. How else am I gonna get rid of them?)