“Isn't that when ya break yer neck?”
“Other than the brain hemorrhages, how is our patient doing?”
Imagine: One day, you are just doing your everyday task. Working, eating, beating your spouse, or bragging about beating Zork. BAM! The next day, you are dead in your hospital bed, decapitated and all. This is the result of a brain hemorrhage. Not to be confused with Sudden Head Exploding Syndrome, which is where you don't have to deal with a damn migraine before your head a splodes.
A cerebral hemorrhage (or brain hemorrhage) is a condition where a blood vessel around your brain explodes, causing various problems with the brain. They can lead to a stroke, which isn't very good if you care about your ability to move. And we all know that If you can't move, your life will probably suck. So you don't want to do anything to cause a hemorrhage, now do ya? Well, you'll probably develop one by the time you're done reading this article.
But don't worry! THERE IS STILL HOPE FOR YOU YET! Just read the causes and preventions sections!
So you want to know what causes a brain hemorrhage? Well, here are all the known causes. NOTE: Uncyclopedia is not held responsible if you end up dying with your face on the keyboard from some cause other than these. This will undoubtedly happen.
- Ischemia: You probably have no idea what this is. This is a medical condition where blood flow to the brain stops. There are various known causes of brain ischemia. All of the following unnecessarily elongated and inconprehensible words: Tachycardia, Atherosclerosis, Hypotension, Thromboembolism, tumor, Embolism, Sickle Cell Disease, or much more likely, your body just hates you.
- Injury: A brain hemorrhage is a lot of times caused by a sharp blow to the head. Say some asshole with a gun headshots you. This cause is 100% fatal. Doesn't sound fun, now does it?
- Beets: Brain hemorrhages, and, indeed, all types of hemorrhage (especially intestinal), may be caused by the consumption of not inconsiderable quantities of beets.
There is no cure for brain hemorrhaging. However, a large amount of Americans are immune to brain hemorraging, as they don't have a brain (See George Bush). But for all of you geniuses out there, there are some ways to prevent the bleeding from ever occuring! Are there any geniuses who would like to know?
- Helmet: Wearing a helmet is a good way to prevent yourself from getting a BH via an injury. Just wear all day, every day, especially if you live in Oakland. People will be more inclined to shoot you, but you'll have a small bit of protection to fight back with! Each helmet can endure about 1 bullet each! HOORAY!
Ass-prinAspirin: It is a good idea to take these headache healers every day of your undoubtedy miserable life. While these won't prevent a hemorrhage, they will help with your headache prior to one! Screw the prescription!...Even if you don't legally need one for aspirin.
While these will only decrease your chance of developing a cerebral hemorrhage by about 20%, at least you may live one day longer than before. It's not worth it!