Team Fortress 2
Team Fortress 2 is the world's most popular first-person hat simulator. It is rumored to be a sequel to something, but unfortunately the development took so long that there's nobody left alive who gives a shit. Originally pay-to-play, Valve eventually adopted the free-to-play payment model. This decision was universally hated because it allowed 6 year old kids, 30+ year old men, and you to play. Team Fortress 2 is the favorite video game of Walter White, George W. Bush, Al Gore, Barack Obama, among others.
Story[edit | edit source]
The game's setting is an alternate universe in the 1960s, when the American government sucked and Mario and Weegee decided, "fuck yos govinmints, we's gon monopolize everahthang". They succeeded, but due to creative differences they decided to kill each other. Naturally, the most logical way of accomplishing this was to create a clone army of nine losers with a hat fetish and sic them on each other. Thus, the RED and BLU companies were born. Mario is the CEO of RED, while the other guy is colorblind and failed spelling class.
Game modes[edit | edit source]
Team Fortress 2 has a wide variety of original game modes for the whole family to enjoy.
- In Control Point your objective either is to barge into the other enemy's house and totally fuck up their couch, or murder them before they get the chance to do so themselves.
- The poorly titled Capture the Flag mode actually doesn't involve any flags or the capturing thereof. In an effort to make fun of the enemy team and make yourself seem smarterer, you will attempt to steal as many briefcases from the enemy as possible, which are aptly called "intelligence". Because only smart and successful people carry briefcases.
- Payload is a realistic simulation of a nuclear war. It involves a train track leading to the core of the enemy base, which can only be assumed was built by the enemy team because they're nice guys and wanted to give the other team a fair chance. On the other side are a bunch of assholes who try to push a cart containing a 3000-megaton nuke into the enemy base to explode the hell out of them. Or sometimes both teams are just trying to nuke the whole battlefield that they're on, which makes perfect sense. Either way, unless the impending armageddon is prevented, everyone will die in an awesome explosion.
- Arena cuts all the team-based bullshit the game pretends to boast and lays bare the true premise and objective of every game mode (and indeed, of every game in existence); Just kill the shit out of everybody.
- For the fifth game mode, the developers combined Arena and Control Point and called it King of the Hill. They then proceeded to spend their working days getting inebriated while smashing and/or vomiting all over their keyboards. This takes the form of the various patches released which always break the game. Meanwhile, the interns keep working on modeling more hats.
- For the sixth game mode, the developers combined Capture the Flag and Payload and called it Special Delivery. They then proceeded to spend their working days getting inebriated while smashing and/or vomiting all over their keyboards. Amazingly, in their drunken, coked up stupor they gave this game mode the biggest backstory of any of the others for no particular reason. The story stars a monkey named Poopy Joe. Our lawyers have advised us not to go into more detail as further reading has been linked to lower I.Q. scores and suicidal tendencies in clinical studies.
- For the seventh game mode, the developers took King of the Hill, multiplied it by 12, and called it Territorial Control. The goal of the game mode is to capture "territories", much like the ghetto in the neighborhood or a dog taking a piss. This game mode was abandoned by Valve, and is heavily disgusted by the community.
- The eighth game mode, which is arguably not a real game mode, is Mann vs. Machine. It was hyped up to introduce a groundbreaking, never-before-seen concept in team-based multiplayer video games: Cooperation! Needless to say, it failed, and is only played by psychopaths paranoid about the inevitable enslavement of humanity by Robots, plus that one idiot on the team who insists on using the Gunslinger. But even they would have preferred the classic zombie apocalypse scenario that has become so popular lately.
Classes[edit | edit source]
The 9 mercenaries you can play as, which are divided into 3 categories that describe the role they play on the battlefield.
Offensive classes[edit | edit source]
Classes in this category are the perfect choice for Trolls.
Scout[edit | edit source]
AKA The Scoot, the Scout is an albino Ethiopian with Air Jordan's that allow him to perform jumps in midair. For some reason the Scout carries a roughneck semi auto home defense shotgun which magically stays full of ammo just by cycling it (presumably, a gift from his side friend, God himself) and a pocket pistol for his useless sidearm. He also was in the minor leagues and can hit people with a bat repeatedly very fast like Joe DiMaggio.
Growing up on the outskirts of Boston, Scout was always beaten up by his older siblings and friends, both equally painful. He would be punched, batted, kicked, and on some occasions have milk thrown. His upgrades include the Farce of Nature which is just a double barreled shotgun that isn't special at all, the Mad Milk (may not actually be milk) which can be thrown at others, the Shartstop which replaces his shotgun with the ability to projectile-defacate on command (presumably caused by drinking his spoiled "milk") and also push others out of the way in his frantic rush to get to the bathroom, and lastly the Atomic Punch which allows him to hit enemies with his bandaged hands, or push the nuke cart twice as fast in Payload (hence the Atomic bit).
Soldier[edit | edit source]
John Jane Doe, typical anonymous American who takes pride in his nation by doing all sorts of American things. This would include having an extremely powerful weapon that matches up to no other countries classes, teleporting bread for three days and using a shovel and, for his useless sidearm, a shotgun. Though, most players have him wear boots instead of carry this shotgun, as unfortunately by default Soldier is the only barefoot class, which causes him great pain walking on surfaces like Gravel Pits.
While this class doesn't excel in any particular area, this weakness is made up with his signature ability to shoot missiles at his feet and blow himself up. You can upgrade your Soldier to defy all laws of warfare, chemistry and nature, in addition to looking like a prancing doe (Pun intended) by giving him a rocket launcher which fires useless blanks but sends him flying airborne, allowing him to use his shovel or AMERICAN BOOT to kick his opponent's asses upon his glorious return from the heavens.
Another fact about Soldiers is that they use rocket launchers for everything, and we mean everything, to the point that the other weapons of his loadout are completely redundant. This includes such feats as shooting an enemy 7 kilometers away, shooting an enemy at point blank, shooting himself, cooking, lighting a cigar, mowing the lawn, etcetera.
Pyro[edit | edit source]
A masked abomination whose main purpose of running into enemies with fire started when they never listened to their mother about running with a zippo lighter. A once all-powerful class, it has been nerfed to oblivion due to either excessive gayness or even the possibility of having a vagina, neither of which is acceptable. These nerfs however, have merely brought the Pyro from all-powerful to just overly powerful.
This class boasts a large variety of secondary weapons and abilities, all of which are entirely useless, as running forward and setting everything on fire is the best strategy. This makes it an ideal class for those who prefer to play with steering wheels. Pyros are also very useful when it comes to spychecking, this involves pointing your flamethrower at your teammates and spraying fire at them. If they die from being incinerated, they were most likely a Spy. If they don't die from being completely engulfed in flames, then they are probably immortal (MEDIC YOU DUMBASS YOU UBERED A SPY!). The only weapon Pyro players use is the P-log off and never come back to the game-gosh-tinator, which turns the user invincible, and both burns players and kills the server instantly because as soon as the enemy sees you they will even requeue to Mann Vs Machine if it gets them away from you BASTARD W-M1 N00B.
Defensive classes[edit | edit source]
These classes are tailor-made for players who can't be bothered to actually learn how to play the game.
Demomanknight[edit | edit source]
A Scottish black terrorist. We can't say anything other than the fact that he is a Cyclops and drinks heavily. Anything else would be racist. He carries explosives, more explosives, and a bottle o' scrumpeh. He is notable as the only class which does not have a useless sidearm by default.
His loadout upgrades allow him to fulfill his drunken ideals. Gameplay-wise, this means charging into a modern warzone with a medieval sword and shield, or becoming a suicide bomber by hitting enemies with a live grenade. Ever heard of bringing a knife to a gun fight? Actaully, forget it, knowing this game it would probably work out fine.
A rarer variant of this creature is called the Bottleknight, which uses alcohol instead of swords. Although they have rather uncommon appearances in the battlefield, they are equally stupid. Both the Demoknight and Bottleknight have the capability of Tripping, where the sheer inebriation of the crazed Scotsman combines with a drug-fuelled rush to send him tumbling far across the battlefield.
Heavy[edit | edit source]
The Heavy is a prime example of the truth of life; While the skinny may get the girls for now, the obese guy gets the biggest gun and the most credit. Out of all the classes in TF2, the Heavy is by far the most difficult to play as it takes intense skill and concentration to look in the general direction of your enemies whilst moving at 0.2 mph. The reason he is the slowest class is because he is full of Vodka, hats, Unicycle-riding bears, and other Stereotypes.
The Heavy is armed with a not-so-Minigun, a useless sidearm and his big fat hands which he can punch with, or, do a finger gun gesture that so terrifies the enemy that they die. The Minigun can be replaced by alternative such as the Ass Beast (minigun except it slows you from 0.2 to 0.1 mph), Thompyslave (lend-leased by AMERICA to the Commie from the game "Day of Da Feet: Sauce", a WW2 shooter game which will never be mentioned again), and the Natascout (which crits and slows Scouts because fuk' em that's why)
He can drop his useless shotgun sidearm and replace it with a Big Mac so he can become fatter. If he is too full, Russian RonaldMcDonald can forcefully "offer" his food to allies, with the thrown burger being magikally absorbed into them causing immediate Type 2 diabetes. This is the second notable example of the obesity epidemic being portrayed in internet "culture", after inflation pornography.
Engineer[edit | edit source]
A Yale graduate who decided to apply his revolutionary ideas to warfare. Basically Alfred Nobel minus the charitable shit. He also somehow kept the technological fabrications of a teleportation device & a metal and health dispensing vending machine a secret. We will never know how. His armaments are the basic pump action shotgun which is for most classes a useless sidearm but for the Engineer his main weapon (which of course means he is basically defenseless) his actual useless sidearm is the Scout's pistol, and finally, his wrench which he brutally assaults his buildings with, to construct them faster, but which can also be used to assault the Spy.
Since roughly 120% of online players use aimbots anyway, the developers figured they might as well make a class based on it, providing him with his own stationary aimbot heavy to cheat with. Additionally, he can Pootis a Dispensor that acts like a Medic except better in every way, and he can also place Teleporters which can be creatively postioned to send unwary allies walking off cliffs to their deaths. With the Wrench, you can also abuse the buildings once constructed into becoming more powerful so you can use said tech to pound the enemy's brain into a derp-like coma until you either get banned for hacking, or you ragequit because a mildly competent Spy player finally arrives to stop your reign of terror.
His most famous ability is the "Sentry Nest" which involves the Engineer cloning himself, on which afterwards he tells his clones (usually around 4 to 8, there are reports to as much as 16) to place all of their buildings on top of each other to maximize damage. It is one of the most respected and useful tactics on the game.
Support classes[edit | edit source]
Classes with unique and useful abilities that nobody can figure out how to use properly. Unless of course one is able to be a god. Becoming a god is very hard. You must suck at all games except for the one in question. Also, who the hell plays FPS games to "cooperate with teammates"?
Medic[edit | edit source]
Another insane German (alias JS Steinman), the Medic is a scumbag with the technological know-how to create a gun that reverses time and also doubles as a ghost-catching device.
This mischievous man of science got his medical license after saving a patient on the Operation Toy Game in record time (6 days, 21 hours and 47 minutes), but unfortunately, his license was appropriated after he accidentally replaced the skeleton of a victim patient with nothing.
The Medic is the most useless class in the game, lacking any good weapons. Only play Medic when your team has a sufficient amount of Huntsman Snipers, as they will be able to take out the enemy team all by themselves while you run around being worthless. The Medic is considered the top "pick" class, with a great strategy being convincing enemy players to switch to him so your side can win easily. He is supposedly able to heal teammates, but since every map has healing packs all over, nobody really cares.
The only strategy that Medic can use is climbing into the pocket of a power class and slowly radicalizing them with Nazi propaganda. If he succeeds in convincing his ally they are the Ubermensch, they will be overcome by ideological fervor, rush forward into battle and die exceptionally quickly.
Sniper[edit | edit source]
A homeless New Zealander virgin who immigrated illegally to Australia whose parents are ashamed of having created. Given that everyone who plays this game can identify with him, it is by far the most popular class and it's a common sight to see entire teams comprised solely of Snipers.
The Sniper's signature ability is sucking, causing their team to lose. He can switch his JFK killing device for a bow and arrow, the Huntsman, replacing his ability to suck with the ability to be really really good and kill everybody without even aiming. He can also be upgraded to throw bottles of piss at people, a common skill shared by the player base who will never leave their computer to stop jacking off to pixels and polygons.
Spy[edit | edit source]
Rich, mysterious, and dedicated, the Spy is a nicotine-addicted Frenchman. He specializes at using analog and digital watches, such as Rolex's stop watch, to go invisible. Such technologies exist, it's just that nobody chooses to face the truth. Much like real watches, the Spy's watches run out of energy in less than 5 seconds.
Another tool of mystery he wields is the manly makeup set. He uses the set to disguise as others, upon the use of it he is briefly engulfed by a cloud of cigarette smoke and emerges from it looking completely different... A man disguising as a man, an octopus disguising as an octopus, the makeup has created many modern day memes. When he disguises as fatter people, he magically becomes fatter. When he tries to lose weight, he doesn't. SO yeah, this tool just plain sucks.
A weapon that he uses is the knife. The default knife is the butterfly knife (he covers his practice scars with black gloves). When thrusted into the fresh, shiny backs of others, they instantly die, regardless of what age they are. When he equips the weapon, he twirls it around like a 4 year old boy does to his birth certificate.
His last weapon is a radio. This radio has the power of destroying anything, Guns, More guns, Dispensers, Teleporters, More teleporters, Bread, by blaring "Happy Day In Paris" into the object, dissassembling it from the inside. People like to call this radio a sapper, as in the sap from an oak tree in Ontario, Canada, the French speaking place.
When equipping his manly makeup set and looking up while crouching, he magically becomes a crab. This species, called the Spycrab, is endangered. PETA is trying their best to save this precious animal. Sadly, because they are PETA, that means releasing them from safe, loving homes into wild Sentry Nests full of rampaging Pyros, which are the Spycrab's main predator.
See Also[edit | edit source]
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