Nazi Gold

"Nazi Gold" also refers to the colour of Jimmy Saville's tracksuit.

Many people believe that Nazi (Hitler) Gold can be found in Switzerland. This is not true. They are wrong. The Swiss didn't even have regular television until 1973, (the famous "Year of the Badger"). Hopefully this press release which I found in the office "To Incinerate" pile will go some way to clearing up the confusion:

Thanks for listening,

CA

Press Release #10301

To: <<Undictionary.com>>

Cc:<<Ron_Jaundice@Associated_press.Com>>, <<SandraJob@TheTimes.pap>>, <<ThePoliceR@yourfrontdoor.org.uk>>

Sent: 28 September 2005

Subject: Press release: "Nazi Gold™"

New Channel Launched! "Nazi Gold™"

This new and improved Edu-tainment channel on UK cable and satellite television will feature the best in historical reconstructions and biography of all your favourite tyrants from the twentieth century's most controversial Reich: the Third one!

Living™ and the UK Hitler Channel™ have joined forces to bring YOU the up-to-date latest access on the axis. New and classic dramas, probing and incisive documentaries plus a whole host of celebrities mean that Nazi Gold is the foremost channel in delivering you all the facts on the Furher.

New programmes and Dramas for this season:

• "Ich Bin Kein Berliner: The Admiral Doenitz Story" - Biography of Hitler's successor.

• "Scheiße!" - Hilarious Goofs and Gaffs from Operation Barbarossa

• "One Of Our Scientists is Missing!" - the touching tale of how one scientist - bribed by thousands of American peace-time dollars - was forced to flee the atrocities of Nazi Germany and help liberate the Free world.

• "A Tribute to the Little Boy" - Nicholas Parsons presents an historic reconstruction of the fateful flight of the Enola Gay with a fly-past of Hiroshima, set to the musical accompaniment of Jean-Michel Jarre.

• "Mine Camp" - Psychology-based reality TV show. Two teams of celebrities are set the task of surviving life in the concentration camps with one team taking the role of the prisoners and the others that of the guards. Featuring Kris Akabusi, Jonathan Wilkes, Abi Titmuss and Vanessa Feltz.

• "Top Gear: Überdrive" - Jeremy Clarkson test-drives the tanks and APV's of Nazi Germany. With Richard Hammond and driving rock accompaniment from Europe.

We are "Living™": So that you don't have to!

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FROM NEXT month, viewers who subscribe to UK cable and satellite companies will see the launch of an entirely new package of home entertainment channels from broadcast company LivingTV. Amongst the thirty five new channels set to saturate an already limp television biscuit are housewife lifestyle magazine "At Home; Help!", amateurish sports coverage station "American Eurosport" and 24 hour cartoon network "Truant!"

I spoke to LivingTV's Director of businessings Bill Communicavely last week about his company's recent expansion. He said these words: "LivingTV is a global trend-setter with its lifestyle and entertainment programming. We hope that with this new range of ready-to-air products we will be able to establish ourselves as the market leaders in televisual programme sales for years to come."

Jeremy Clarkson: Man. Maaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

When confronted with accusations of "dumbing-down" programming for his audience, Mr Communicavely's response was quick on the draw and hit the target - he did not shoot himself in the foot. "I find it ridiculous for other sections of the media to lay blame for this country's continued decline into idiocy at the collective feet of my company, like some greasy cat with a dead parrot in it's mouth.

"A decade ago, our viewers would have watched nothing but BBC documentaries, sport and news coverage - by increasing the available selection we are giving the viewer more choice to view what they want. If anything we are educating the public when others have failed."

Valid points, certainly. But just a quick glance through the first month's schedule shows a virtual dearth of ideas. "American Eurosport" for example is a carbon copy of its British counterpart, effortlessly transposed to a stateside backdrop. So now we can enjoy the competitive delights of "Californian Beach Cricket", or "Hillbilly Petanque" recorded live from the Appellachian mountains. Things get no more promising with "MoreVicar TV", although Communicavely himself concedes that the Christian cuisine network is one of the company's "niche" channels.

That is not to say that the new line-up is completely without its gems though. Nestling like a pearl inside the shell of an oyster that has been cast before an angry swine is "edu-tainment" channel, Nazi Gold. Unlike the myriad history channels that have gone before, Nazi Gold offers the viewer the most comprehensive coverage on a single subject matter - and one that was recently voted the second most-studied period of history by students in Britain.

"Where Nazi Gold improves on its predecessors is in its appeal to the average Joe", says Jeremy Clarkson, frontman of the channel's flagship programme, Top Gear: Überdrive, and now honourary spokesman for the whole channel. "The chaps have been doing their homework," he continues, "and have come up with one hell of a formula. Nazi Gold has all the oomph you'd expect of a hard-hitting documentary from the Beeb, but it's as slick and as smooth as - well - an Italian mud-wrestler. Woof."

Clarkson attending his weekly "Order of Thule" meeting earlier this week

Clarkson, who is renowned for his love of the Third Reich as much as for his spectacular hairdo has long been a member of such Hitler-revivalist sects as "The Order of Thule" and "The Brotherhood of the Moustache". Recently, he has been receiving much criticism for voicing his opinions so publicly. I asked him if, amidst such wide public speculation, his latest career move had merely fanned the flames of his dissenters.

"Well, if you are questioning my tastes then I say go ahead - Just check out this jacket with these jeans. But if you're saying that because of my views I shouldn't be allowed to plough this tank across that field...I'd have to say: kiss my Panzer!"

Whatever criticisms his detractors may level at him, Clarkson has the vital and vibrant screen presence that is sorely lacking in much of today's cable and satellite programming. It could be that this firebrand's unexpected switch from the BBC to Nazi Gold is the much-needed draw that their parent company Living so desperately needed. Only time will tell.

Nazi Gold goes on air September 31st. Top Gear: Überdrive is to be aired later this autumn.

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