Unquotable:Anonymous

“Never be afraid of who you are. Or, rather, who you really are. I, for one am pissed to the eyeballs motherfucker!”

~ Anonymous

“We are Anonymous. We are Legion. We do not Forgive. We do not Forget. Expect us.”

~ Anonymous wearing a "V for Vendetta" mask

---

"My identity is only known to my High School basketball coach."

Be sure to enter all of your Anonymous quotes into the Book of Shite.

"Anonymous, I am."

"Anonymous, I am not. But anonymous twin, I have."

One of the most profound, witty, and interesting people ever, Anonymous (3,023,299 BCE - 1957) was also one of the most quotable. "The level of a statement's humor and profundity is always inversely proportional with the level of personal accountability," he, she, or it was fond of saying. (Supposedly.)

For instructions on quoting Anonymous, see below. Obviously, if you need instructions at all, much less up here, then you're probably reading the wrong article. Instead, you should be reading this.

The Anonymous Paradox

When quoting anything that has ever been said, one will encounter the Anonymous Paradox. The paradox goes like this: Anything that has ever been said cannot have been said by Anonymous, yet anything that has not EVER been said could conceivably have been said by Anonymous. Thus, when trying to quote Anonymous, one must make up a phrase that no one has ever thought of. This fact is thought to be the leading cause of asploding heads in the 15-21 age bracket.

Because of the sheer creativity needed to prevent asplosion, some, including Oscar Wilde, believe that Anonymous is actually Oscar Wilde.

Anonymous's Most Quotable Quotes

Anonymous on Leadership

• "Fools! You'll be crushed!"
• "Fuck me or be fucked. Your choice!"
• "Teamwork is everyone doing what I say."
• "Do what I say, not what I do. Better yet, forget about what I do, just do what I say, period."
• "I would really like it if someone would just show some balls around here. And it might as well be me. So here, take a good look."
• "If in doubt ask a friend, better still ask me!"
• "Don't worry, I know my pet godzilla like the back of my hand, HEY! that freckle wasn't there yesterday!"
• "JUST DO IT!"
• "I dont know, just do what you want"
• "I WANT YOU! to stop questioning my autority and die for me and everyone else"
• "So, anyone got any ideas?"
• "Why are you all staring at me? UM.. This is awkward."
• "I don't know what to do!! Ask China!"
• "magroo wos 'ere"

Anonymous on Generosity

• "Ask not what others can do for you; ask what others have done recently to satisfy my own selfish need for personal aggrandizement."
• "It is better to give than it is to receive, but it is better still to collect the insurance money."
• "Nothing says 'Thank You' better than a good bout of wholesome, healthy oral sex. And maybe a nice greeting card."
• "Generosity is just another word for nothing left, period."

Anonymous on The Meaning of Life

• "Life is like a bowl of cherries, except that they're maraschino cherries, and I really hate those."
• "Bob Dylan of course."
• "Throughout my life I've always lived by one guiding principle that, in my estimation, gives life its true meaning."
• "If you strike me down, you will become stronger than I can possibly imagine. Wait, that's not right."
• "I like gum."
• "Probably Livin' and not dying"
• "The meaning of life is not to spend it happy or unhappy. But fulfilled in the sense that every cunt who has done something wrong, WILL be punished."
• "If you strike me down, I'll die, but if you don't, maybe I'll give you a blowjob."
• "It's 42, right? I mean, that's what it says in the book, and I believe pretty much everything I read, basically. Also, anything I see on the internet, including tentacle porn."
• "But I never actually ate the salmon mousse..."
• The meaning of life is simple uhhh can I think about that...Oh I know the meaning of life is to be HAPPY!!!!!!!!

Anonymous on Being Anonymous

• "It's good to be unknown, to not be fettered by the problems of celebrity, to not have to wake up to see Swedish day-campers sleeping on my front lawn. I just wish I could get some public recognition for it."
• "Once I finally buy that new computer at Wal-Mart that I've been saving up for, I'm going to have my own web site - and finally, after 14 long years, I will have ultimate power."
• "My parents were extremely strict; if I ever talked back to them, they'd whack me with a cricket bat and lock me in the broom closet. I got a little tired of that, so I started communicating with them in the form of profound unattributed sayings posted to a public website. Of course, every time they read one, they'd whack me with the cricket bat again. (Um, hold on a sec, I hear someone knocking.)"
• "Life is too short to not say who you are, but apparently I'm immortal."
• "I'm pretty cool with it, but my wife thinks that unless I get a name my gravestone is going to be pretty lame."
• "Even when we makes our quotses anonymous, everyone seems to knowses who we areses."
• "The same problem, I have."
• "OMGses! It's YODASES!"
• When your anonymous its harder to criticize someone for their gender or race or even your name so I love being anonymus! Who wants to know my name?

Anonymous on Internet Privacy

• "Of course it's safe! Nobody can possibly trace an IP address back to the source, can they?"
• "I would never use my real e-mail address to buy, sell, chat about, or steal something online. That would just be wrong."
• "So, just how long has that web-cam been running?"
• "I remember hearing somebody talking about laws that protect your anonymity on the internet one day, and thinking, Am I on the right planet? As it turns out, I was on the right planet, and the person was just an ignorant n00b. Still, it was nice just thinking about it."
• "No one can steal your credit cards if you give them your SSN, silly."
• "If you pirate mp3s, you're downloading COMMUNISM"

Anonymous on Wikis

• "Technically speaking, I wrote every one of those damn things."
• "One of the problems with wiki culture is that the real-world concepts of guilt and innocence don't apply. Since everything and everyone is anonymous like me, the things that do apply are suspicion, subterfuge, double-standards, endless mind-games, and silly rules that are self-contradictory, arbitrary, and inconsistently applied. Also, waffles. Never forget waffles."
• "Hey, I didn't really say this! Somebody's ripping my /sig!"
• "Since I'm nobody, I guess I really do care, huh?"
• "Does anyone else's rectum itch as well? I think I ate something bad."
• "I vandalized Wikipedia!"
• " A nony mouse, that's a pretty easy way to remember, the you just drop the e"

Anonymous on Vindictive Behavior

• "A person who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones, but if they really do live in a glass house, they should worry less about stone-throwing and more about their need to constantly masturbate."
• "A person who lives in a glass house shouldn´t throw stones, but I live in a stone house and I´ll throw glass at any motherfucker who trespasses on MY property.
• "After a long day of thrusting my testicles out at the general population, I like to come home and relax with a nice cup of coffee, a good book, and yep - those testicles."
• "Do unto yourself as you would do unto others, or barring that, just put yourself out of our misery."
• "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you - I find a good hand job does the trick."

Anonymous on This Guy

• "One of these days, I intend to find out just what's going on with the creepy guy who lives across the street. And when I do find out, you'd better believe I'm going straight to the cops."
• "A few weeks ago, me, this guy, somebody, somebody else, that guy, and your sister were talking over martinis at the Russian Tea Room, and we took a vote and decided that you suck. Nothing personal, though. Oh, by the way, everyone else called a minute ago, and they said pretty much the same thing."
• "I was really sorry to hear about the little boy who lives down the street. I hope his mom's doing okay... Still, you have to expect things like that when you give a 7-year-old a 4-horsepower chainsaw for Christmas."

• Who is this guy?!!?!?

Anonymous on Tenacity

• "Nothing is more tragic than the spectacle of an intelligent, conscientious person wasting their precious time in a futile argument with a complete and utter twit, when that person could instead be playing with the kids, creating a great piece of art, or just reading a good book. Hold on, did I say 'tragic'? I meant to say 'hilarious.'"
• "'Never give up, never surrender'? What, is that from a movie or something? Grow up."
• "I put my ass on the line every day. But just because it isn't a real ass, or a real line, doesn't mean it isn't really on that thing, every single day."

Anonymous on Religion

• "I really do believe in God, but sometimes I just get the feeling that He doesn't even know who I am."
• "It would be the height of hypocrisy for someone like me to try to fathom the ultimate nature of existence, given the fact that I myself don't really exist. Still, I guess it's okay for me to make broad statements about everyone else's sexual orientation, as long as I keep them within a religious context."
• "Some people believe in cars; some people believe in bars. Now, meet the man who believes in stars! That's right - Ronald Reagan." Fuck Ronald Reagan - Anonymous
• Yay Human sacrifice!
• "Well, a lot of people think I´m God, and guess what? They´re 75% right!
• Ever heard of Project Chantology? It was us"

Anonymous on Politics

• "I didn't vote in the last election, because I didn't register to vote in the last election, because I didn't present my identification card at the registration office for the last election, because I don't have an identification card, because I don't have an identity, and I'm allergic to cards."
• "To me, the whole question of left vs. right is largely academic. The left say one thing, the right say another. Yada, yada, yada. Why can't we all just get along? Can't we just agree to be the spiteful, bickering, hateful, inconsiderate assholes we are, together?"
• "If I had to choose sides, I'd choose to be on the extremist side. I know it's not actually a side, but I just think those guys get more poontang."
• "DO IT FAGGOT"
• "I feel like we need more political parties. Or maybe just more parties in general. This is why I´ve chosen to temporarily represent the Democrats until fun-havers get their own political party, because of the game with the donkey tail. Elephants in my experience aren´t great at going to parties."

Anonymous on Existence

• "I say, if it exists, destroy it. If it doesn't exist, destroy it. If you're not sure if it exists or not, destroy it."
• "Carpe dumb-dumb. (For those of you who can't read simple Latin, that means 'Seize the dumb-dumb.'"
• "What's the point of existence? You're born, you live a meaningless life of pain, degradation, and misery, and then you die. Shit, you could do that at Wal-Mart."
• "Well, I´m here now. Is that enough existence for you, buddy? I exist.

Anonymous on Sex

• "The difference between anonymous sex and other kinds of sex is that I get to have anonymous sex every time, but you're always going to risk being arrested no matter who or what you're doing it with."
• "Sex, to me, is like television. (At least that's how I experience it, anyway.)"
• "I think that if you're a man, and you're attracted to a beautiful woman, you should just walk right up to that woman and say, 'you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and I want to make love to you more than anything in the whole world.' It always works for me, and you'd think I'd be at a huge disadvantage too, considering the fact that I've been sleeping with my mom for the last six weeks."
• "Of course one of the advantages of being truly anonymous is that no one knows which sex I am, and the real advantage of this is I get to do things like masturbate thinking of my grandma's dick."]
• OMG BLOOD!
• "Fuck me AND be fucked!" It's called Pegging, boy.
• "Women are like a box of chocolates, the ones with the cherries are the best".
• "Sex needs an update. Add at least two more holes on both sexes. Hell, make them DLCs for all I care. I just want something new."

Anonymous on Justice

• "If there were any justice in the world, I would have been identified a long time ago. But the simple truth is, if that had happened, nobody would ever bother to quote a guy like Milton Subotnick, of 1488 Pleasant View Drive, in Hoboken, New Jersey."
• "People who commit crimes are bad. People who don't commit crimes are bad too, really. So why don't we just throw everyone in prison? Oops, wait a minute. I guess that's exactly what we're doing."
• "The whole idea of judges makes no sense to me. The idea that one person, or even a group of people, no matter how wise and unbiased, should be allowed to decide the fate of another human being based entirely on some artificially-devised legal code just seems completely senseless and unfair. Naturally, this doesn't apply to everyone. Come to think of it, I guess it only applies to me personally."
• "Anyone who say justice doesn't come from the barrel of a gun obviously has never had a chance to shoot a child molester."
• "I´m going to be honest here, if I were the one who kept the jails running, I wouldn´t think that myself being imprisoned would be very fair."

Anonymous on the Pursuit of Happiness

• "Some people think happiness and anonymity are mutually exclusive. Some people are just credit-stealing assholes, I guess."
• "I think if you can be made happy by finding and fixing every run-on sentence you see, then you should do it now, because you deserve the chance to be happy."
• "All I need to be happy is a shotgun, some lumber, and about 10 feet of good, stiff cord."
• "Will Smith sucks balls."
• "You can try, but Happiness runs pretty darn fast."
• "Why pursue it if you can just wait for it to come to you?"
• "The secret to happiness is exercise. The path to happiness is not exercise. The path to happiness is watching a bunch of fat nincompoops exercise because you told them it was the path to happiness.
• "Stop doing that."
• "I think that was a movie, right? With that one guy in it?"

Anonymous on Success

• "Nothing succeeds like success, except of course for being an asshole, which seems to succeed pretty much by default."
• "To succeed at anything, you've got to have a plan. So my plan is to sell ready-made, fully developed plans to people who are in need of a means of attaining success, and then rip them off."
• "I've made fortunes, lost fortunes, then made new fortunes, and then lost them again. I'm not especially bright, am I?"

Anonymous on Friendship

• "Actually, I'm everybody's friend. (Apparently.)"
• "The last time I trusted someone, I was horribly, painfully betrayed. It left me scarred beyond words, and after that experience, I decided I would never truly trust anyone, ever again. Thanks a lot, mom."
• "I guess the reason they say that dogs are 'Man's best friend' is because dogs are more loyal, generous, and trustworthy than badgers. They may also be more loyal than weasels, too, but I'm not certain because I've never paid a weasel a hundred Euros for a blowjob."
• "I understand you're handicaped by natural immaturity.. I forgive you.."

Anonymous on War

• "The art of war is really quite simple. You kill as many of the other guys as you can, and the one who kills the most other guys wins the coveted 'Best Artist' award."
• "Anonymity is important in wartime, especially if you've just deserted your infantry unit. Like I just did."
• "I am the greatest warrior of all time! I will crush my enemies and sweep them before me like tiny insects! All who oppose me will lay defeated at my bloody hands! Just as soon as I get back from the bathroom - Mom, are you still in there?"
• "War is very simple. Cower behind a rock until someone kills the guy who's shooting at you."
• "I'll tell you the secret to killing Voldemort, Potter. Sneak up while he's asleep, and pull the trigger."

Anonymous on Courage

• "The need to show courage is just a flimsy excuse used by courageous people for doing things that are only meaningful to the people who are affected by those things, and also everyone else. As an anonymous person, I'm not all that impressed."
• "I would never back down against any adversary, no matter how menacing or terrifying that adversary might be. No, really, I would never do that. Nope, not ever. No way, nada, uh-uh. Ain't gonna happen, folks! Not a chance in Hell... You might as well stop waiting for it to happen, I'm telling you that right now, because it won't."
• "Did you say they had machine guns?"

• It makes a good plot for the film industry, eh?
• "I'm a bit frightened of computers, but I'll try this."

Anonymous on Dreams

• "So why the fuck!! did you wake me up at four in the morning? Just to tell me you got in a car accident and you're in the hospital? What's wrong with you, anyway?"
• "Dreams are like sandwiches. I mean, I like sandwiches and all, but they're just not as good as when you actually put some food between two pieces of bread and eat it."
• "I had a dream once. I even wrote it down. I'd let you read it, but you'd probably just steal the idea and use it in one of your own dreams, you little shit."
• "I had a dream that I posted something stupid on a stupid website instead of actually doing something with my life. Wait, what? I'm awake? Oh, God..."

Anonymous on Ninja Pirates

• "Arrrrggghhh! I just lost my katana over the edge of the poop deck... Avast ye, mateys, that be the second time this month."
• "Arrrrggghhh! I cannae' abide the cruel abuse o' language by th' landlubbers fer purposes o' humor."
• "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAA..RRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH!"

• Good god. There cannot be any sort of ninja pirates. The world would implode, so what were you thinking of, coming up with this question? The real, and only concern is the pinja (pirate-ninja)-robo-cops out in the world!!!

Anonymous on Raptors

• "I kinda hope I don't get eaten by raptors."
• "Shh. You hear that? Raptors. RAPTORS EVERYWHERE."

Anonymous on Crack

• "Mmm, crack!"
• "Crack, mmm!"
• "Mmm, crack!"
• "Apparently crack makes you repeat yourself! Mmm!"
• "Mmm, crack!"
• "Crack ain't wack."

Anonymous on Greg

• "Who's Greg?"
• "Who's Greg?"
• "I think I'm still on crack!"
• "Who's Greg?"
• GREG IS MY BOYFRIEND AND I'LL LOVE HIM FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!!!! My name is Anonymous.
• Greg is coming to get you because he is so HOT!
• I am GREG! I am the ghost of Christmas past. Feel GUILTY feel very GUILTY.

Anonymous on Anonymous Articles

• "They're anonymous. Just like me."
• "I just wanna kill whoever writes those Goddamn articles."
• "Anon never forgets"

• It means I worte all the damn articles, just like you, yerr mom, and that creepy guy next door.

• Another article to steal and claim for yourself. :)
• HI!!!!!:)
• Bonjour Niccoli!!!!! Its Ellinius, Gilligan, and Karol. But Mostly Ellinius because this was my idea.:)
• Karol Finished the powerpoint by the way!!!!!

Anonymous on Life

• What's my name again, Mom?

Instructions

How to Create an Anonymous Quote

First, you must empty your mind of all thought. Then, pencil in hand, you must wait for a cathartic moment in which you suddenly achieve the necessary inspiration for attributing a profound or humourous phrase. Finally, you must write it down. While a computer keyboard may be used as an effective substitute, computers have been known to have a deleterious effect on the creative process; if you believe yourself to be affected, consult your local heroin dealer. Once the quote has been produced, it's ready for Uncyclopedia! Our Quality Assurance Department is always there to help you by adding unfunny lines, screwing up your nice page layout, or adding inane templates.

How Not to Create an Anonymous Quote

The best method for not attributing quotes to "Anonymous" is to not think of them in the first place. However, if you must forego self-restraint and resort to egotistical, arrogant prickery, you can often avoid the shame and embarrassment of producing an unusually bad "Anonymous" quote by smashing your computer with a sledge hammer, or if no such device is available, your head.

Also, it helps to have a large book in front of the many quotes of random old guys who have nothing better to do than contradict evry damn thing.

How to Stop Creating Anonymous Quotes

Once you've caught the "Anonymous"-quoting "bug," you may find it "difficult" to "stop" the urge to "quote" everything that you "think" of. However, psychiatrists agree: You are a danger to yourself and others. Should you encounter yourself in a self-encounter session, do not attempt to apprehend yourself yourself; use you cell phone to call the nearest anonymous brain donor

See Also

• Black Jesus
• Templates Ahoy! - The Musical
• Making up anonymous votes

The Life, Works & Philosophy of Anonymous