“If there can only be One True Faith, I say let it be Scientology. That's pretty much what everyone deserves, for being such pricks the last 2,000 years.”
Jesus H Christ is one of history's most-quoted personages, perhaps quoted even more than Oscar Wilde, Anonymous, and Alan Greenspan combined. However, popular novelists such as Dan Brown, James Joyce, and Dean Koontz have suggested that many Jesus quotes are not entirely authentic, or have "lost something in the translation" — given the long series of reinterpretations from the original Hebrew spoken tradition, to the first biblical writings in Greek, to the current Rick James Version of the Bible.
At Uncyclopedia, we are keenly aware of the importance of ensuring that all Jesus quotes are as accurate as possible, in order to minimize the ever-present risk of offending, angering, or inducing lawsuits by various Christian individuals and groups. If you or your organization should fall into this category, and you discover that one of the quotes reproduced below is clearly inaccurate, please report the inaccuracy to the [[Talk:Unquotable:Jesus Christ|appropriate forum]] as soon as possible, in order that a full-blown whining campaign may be commenced on your behalf. (Be sure to include your name, address, telephone number, Social Security Number, and religious affiliation on all reports. Unattributed inaccuracy claims will not be processed.)
- "Who the fuck wrote this shit anyway?"
- "Yeah, I've never really read it."
- "Oh, that never really happened..."
- "No one should believe this shit."
- "What the fuck? Stone gays? Don't eat shellfish? What fucking retard wrote this shit? Was it that pothead Moses? Maybe it was that asshole Judas. Dammit, this shit is crazy."
- "Me and the Big Fella were planning on writing a sequel, but Dan Brown fucking beat our asses to it. Prick."
- "We wrote it anyway, it's called Bible 2: The Big Guy's Back! as well as the third one, Bible 3: The Final Battle. We almost went too far and did a spin-off-Jesus:Crucify this Muthafucka!"
- "WTF?! I finally made it to the end of this motherfucking book and it claims that my body is made of bread. Please tell me this shit isn't supposed to be MY goddamn book."
- "I knew we should have got Cecilia Ahern to do it, fiddlesticks!"
- "At least it's better than Eragon damn it!"
- "But Dad, do you honestly believe that people will believe this shit? I mean, come on, look at me, I'm not fit to roll that huge rock away, I'm quite skinny actually.. I hate that about myself, why can't I be more like Chuck Norris. You certainly hate me don't ya dad?!"
- "I wish they'd stop stealing shit from the Babylonians."
- "WOW, I must have been baked when i wrote this bollocks! heheheeee!"
- "You're not my real dad, Joseph!"
- "I wish dad were still here"
- "Look ma, no hands!"
- "Yeah, I'm Jesus. What's it to ya?"
- "I think the best reason to believe in me is merely because you were born into a Christian household."
- "Yeah, that's right, I'm the Messiah. I'm the Savior. I'm the guy who's gonna deliver you from eternal damnation. I am your worst nightmare."
- "Messiah-hood is a big responsibility, not to be taken lightly - and indeed, I take it very seriously."
- "No, I'm not making this shit up."
- "It's easy to be the Messiah. The hard thing is getting people to stop screwing with the concept."
- "If I really am God, wouldn't I know that evolution proves that the story of Adam and Eve is a fairy tale and that there is no 'original sin' for me to die for?"
- "It's retarded. If I am God, I shouldn't have to die to change a rule that I made!"
- "I do not come to call the righteous, but to call sinners to repentance. So it's a good thing I've got one of those Unlimited Free Long Distance plans."
- "Every day this week I've picked up my cell and toyed with the idea of calling the Father, and telling him that I've decided to take some time off from this Savior shit, maybe visit India or something, I don't know, it's just...these people are not getting it, not even the ones who are most "into" it...in fact, they're often worst. I don't know...Ask me again next week."
- "I'm not the Messiah, I'm a very naughty boy, or so I'm told"
- "How come whenever I'm trying to get into a club and I claim that I'm the FUCKING MESSIAH of the FUCKING UNIVERSE the bouncer STILL won't let me in?!"
- "Say what again? A Messiah? Never heard that one before.."
- "Uh, Mary? You still got some on your cheek. No, other one. Right below your eye. There you go." *
- "Yeah, I kinda think it was my biker beard that made me popular. Those Galilee chicks used to really dig the big, heavy beards."
- "Vandalism was a part of my life until I got into coke."
- "It's not surprising at all that the Beatles were bigger than Me, back in the day. That's just how it was during the Sixties."
- "I wouldn't dare go with that hippie look if I were saving the souls of humanity today. I'd probably just wear a nice casual suit, and probably lose the sideburns, too."
- "As Jesus, I ask my disciples all the time, What it do, nigga?"
- "I may of taken away the sins of the world but i still have a tiny cock"
- I'm the superstar - not Clark Kent!
- "Wait, I thought I was black. But Texas said I was white. Who the fuck am I?"
- "The food's better."
- "The Jews are God's Chosen People. I'm not sure why He chose them, but He's top banana, so I just fly with what He says. Although personally, I'd have picked the Maori tribesmen of New Zealand, since they have cooler tattoos."
- "Why should I care what Pat Robertson wants, if I'm Jewish?"
- "I don't see what the big deal is - it's not like I miss having my foreskin, and you have to admit that bathing is much more efficient this way."
- "You have to keep your head covered, even when it's really hot outside."
- "I bet I can beat you in halo. I am Jesus, after all"
- "That quote had nothing to do with this, but seriously, I kick ASS at halo."
- "What? Because I don't have beady little eyes and a big nose you don't think I'm a Jew you racist motherfucker!"
- "jews don't really have hell, so I do end up smoking a lot of crack to pass the time"
Jesus on Being There
- "Definitely Sellers' best film, though I really liked Dr. Strangelove too."
- "Where? Here? Sorry, I'm not here at the moment. Please leave a message when you hear the bells toll."
- "I was there once. Awful place... Never again! Excuse me? Oops, sorry — I thought you were asking Me about Earth."
- "I tellya, if I do show up for a second round, trust me, it won't be anywhere west of Pittsburgh."
- "Jew buds, good bud."
Jesus on Hell
- "It's a good place to party, but I wouldn't want to live there"
- "Satan really isn't all that bad. He fills up my churches faster than I ever could."
- "Satan is suing George Bush for identity fraud....... and poop fraud"
- "I'm not the son of Satan; Satan is my son."
- "Man it's fucking hot down here!"
- "Where the prices are so hot, you'll burn in hell!"
Jesus on Being and Time
- "Heidegger and I were in this French restaurant one night, and he asks me to produce some poached salmon and a bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild for him because he's skint. So I did, 'cuz that's what I do, and you know what that little existentialist dorkwad goes and does? That's right, he sends it back to the kitchen! Tells the waiter he really ordered Chilean sea bass and a vodka martini! What an asshole!"
- "Since time is immutable, and existence is subjective, doesn't it stand to reason that transcendence is essentially non-temporal? Which would mean I could just show up whenever I wanted, and people could finally stop being so moronically obsessed with all that crap."
- "I actually disagree with Heidegger's fundamental aesthetic; the thingly quality of a thing is actually indistinguishable from the workly quality of the work, because nobody really gives a damn about either concept. Oops, sorry, I'm not supposed to use the D-word. (Disagree, that is.)"
- "If I really am an essential aspect of the God-construct, then I'm always everywhere, effectively transcending being and time. Which means I totally saw what you were doing on your computer just now."
- "I mean, when I do party in hell, Satan always tries to get into my pants, it gets rather annoying."
Jesus on His Second Coming
- "I usually reload faster than this. This has never happened before. No, don't leave!... Sheeee-it"
- "I love it twice nightly, more if I can manage."
- "Eventually, people will realize that I'm deliberately not coming back on dates that someone has predicted I'll come back, just to get people to stop making all these stupid predictions. So don't hold your breath, basically."
- "When I do return, the first people to be damned for all eternity will, of course, be the right-wing idiots who use the public interwebs for propaganda purposes. After that, I figure the genocidal dictators, then the child molesters, and then those motherfuckers on Encyclopedia Dramatica."
- "For My sake, people, where I'm going to show up doesn't matter — but do you really think it would be someplace like Utah or Missouri, when there are places like Tahiti, St. Croix, and the Greek Isles available? At least give me some credit."
- "Yep, that's right. I'm coming back in January 2012 right before the apocalypse, I'll be 500 feet tall, and I'm gonna kick your lousy ass. (I moved it up a couple of years because you've been especially bad recently.)"
- "Now, about Me returning, I just sort of ended up in the Sahara by accident. God's driving has been getting worse... But like I say, I will be back in 2008! That's when the Mayans said I would, anyway. I just hope God gets it right next time. (Dumb ss.)"
- "I'm just glad Arnold Schwarzenegger stopped using my best line."
- "I recommend a last-minute redemption strategy. No point in doing it now!"
- "I have returned in the guise of John Jackson, and I now live in Liverpool and have really big hair."
- "Please, stop asking who John Jackson is. It's a common enough name; you figure it out."
- "Apparently, some people are confused regarding My new alias, "John Jackson." I currently reside in a school in Liverpool, as opposed to a simple church or synagogue, and it is here that I listen to My vast collection of Red Hot Chili Peppers CD's, and develop My new hairstyle, with which I will one day regain dominion over the Earth and all of its peoples. My hair is, of course, composed primarily of death and treseme, but that's only of interest to My stylist."
- "As long as they don't expect me to feed 5000 people again, that was taking the fucking piss"
- "I'm only really coming back for two things, Dan Brown's soul (copyright infringement of my autobiography) and a Wii, God don't do no Wii in Heaven."
- "Too late."
- "Yeah, I'm coming. Just a few more levels."
- "I'm too lazy to come back. I asked my dad to flood you out like last time. It's easier."
Jesus on Section Phi
- "Damnit! We'll have to try to reach his Ghost line. Eucharistkoma, watch out for an attack barrier and you two come with me"
- "If Cardinal Sin's cyber brain got hacked, there's no telling what sort of data they'll be able to get from him"
- "I'm making a bagel run. Anyone hungry?"
- "Just got great seats for the Super Bowl. Row 8 in Section Phi."
- "And to think, the dickheads who crucified me weren't even German Nazis. Tell me what that's all about."
- "The Son of Man will be delivered into the hands of men, at which point he's basically toast. And after three days, He will rise out of that toaster. Be sure to have some butter and jam handy."
- "You know, I went to school with Pontius Pilate. I stole his girlfriend, senior year. He was all like, 'Jesus, I'm gonna make you pay, and I'll make damn sure of that,' but then he went off to Rome, and I thought I was home free. Boy, did that turn out to be anything but true."
- "Well, they did eventually pick up my faith. At least we can all agree that they're better people that the Americans, those arseholes."
- "Ow! That hurts you Roman pieces of shit! How would you like it if I nailed YOU to a tree!"
- "It's kinda my fault, I changed Judas's diet coke into Monster. He almost went into diabetic coma. Damn, that guy was pissed"
- "What the hell kind of name is that for a band? I mean, really?"
- "The reason I went along with the whole Cruicifixion thing."
- "Motorhead were much better and I used to play guitar for them."
Jesus on his wallet
- "Has anyone seen my wallet? Never mind, I won't be needing it WHEN I DIE FOR YOUR SINS"
- "I had your mums panties in there, *Sniff*, mmmmmm crab paste"
- "He makes incest look positively delicious"
- "It's my way or no way, pal. Nobody gets to see the Boss except through Me. Got that? Oh, and John, if you decide to write that one down, could you make it sound a little less, I dunno, mobbish?"
- "No one is good but God alone. Frankly, if you get God into a room with some other all-powerful deity, He gets kinda cranky."
- "The reason you never see or hear from him is cause he really doesn't like you. I hate to tell you that. I thought you would have got the hint by now."
- "Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."
- "Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. God, however, shows his to everyone."
- "He has really bad breath. You'd think that the creator of the universe could get some toothpaste, but apparently not."
- "He's not a very good father. First, he date rapes my mom and makes abortion a sin, then he comes back 18 years later and tells me that he's my dad, not Joseph, without even consulting my mom, and expects me to just accept him. Then, he makes me join the family business instead of being a carpenter like I wanted. Then, he gets me in trouble with the Romans and the Pharisees, and everyone knows how that turned out."
- "Nope, sorry. Doesn't look like George Burns or Alanis Morissette."
- "Damn. I always used to wish I had a famous Dad."
- "God, eh? Can't live with him, can't live without him!"
- "god is a lot shorter than you might think"
- "he touched my Unholy parts"
- On Oprah"I think his drinking really did affect all life"
- " I never met the fucker, we are all his bastard children."
- "My dad can beat the shit out of your dad."
- "then My dad will shag your dad."
"Dad have you ever felt not so fresh down there?"
Jesus on The Papacy
- "First Peter, then Linus, then Anacletus... all the way down to this new guy Benedict, and not a decent haircut in the lot. I mean, it's not like they can't afford it."
- "Where can I get a car like that?"
- "Who shit in that guys cereal?"
Jesus on Oscar Wilde
- "Trust me, it doesn't take an all-knowing, all-seeing
prophetdeity to guess that somebody would make this a separate section heading."
- "Yes, please!"
- "I would certainly give up my "Messiah"-status for that guy, but Dad didn't approve.."
- "Why would I want to start a messy shooting war with the non-believers when I can just have the Hand of God crush them with far less time and effort? Besides, they've got Muslims for that sort of thing."
- "Personally, I'm less concerned about people who support war than I am about this Evil Atheist Conspiracy. The atheists are way smarter, you know."
- "We may have lost the battle with evil, but luckily we've got some heavy bombers on the way from Nevada."
- "War! Huh! What is it good for?"
- "Sometimes, when I'm lonely, I like to appear to some Islam dude and tell him that it is "God's will" for him to blow himself up. It;s pretty hilarious."
- "You know that person on CoD that you shoot ten times in the head, but he never dies. Yeah, that's me."
Jesus on What You Should Do
- "Beware of practicing your piety before men, if it's only to be seen by them. Also beware of practicing your masturbation technique, because they'll think you're... you know, that way. Unless you're female, in which case they'll get upset anyway, because you'll just be rubbing it in. Oops, I did not mean to put it that way."
- "You should love your neighbor as yourself, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should go over to his house and give him a handjob."
- "If your 6-year old son asks you why his puppy died, you should tell him it's because I willed it. I didn't, of course, but it's always best to scare the kids with my gnarly mental powers early on, or at least before they see Star Wars for the first time."
- "What you should do is you go get me a beer you filthy sinner"
Jesus on What He Would Do
- "Who cares? Obviously not you people."
- "Verily I say, give unto Sid Caesar those things that are Sid Caesar's. He was a pretty funny guy, actually, even for a 50's-era Jewish comedian."
- "If I were Brittania, I'd rule the waifs."
- "Edward Norton."
- "I wouldn't ask what I would do."
- "I would pretty much do the opposite of what you did"
- "Has anyone seen a scared 12 year old boy running around? He may have been crying and a bit confused."
- "Your mom."
- "Well, I'm gonna go with the priest response...What would you do?"
Jesus on What James Joyce Would Do
- "If he seen me bearing down on him now under whitespread wings like I'd come from Arkangels, which I would, he'd sink, he'd die down over My feet, humbly dumbly, only to washup. Yes, tid. There's where. First. They pass through grass behush the bush to. Whish! A gull. Gulls. And so on."
- "He'd probably go on about some unreadable drivel in which I'd walk the waves, and there also over those craven hearts My shadow lies and on the scoffer's heart and lips and on his, yada yada yada, how it lies upon our eager faces who offered Me a coin of the tribute — you know, a long look from dark eyes, a riddling sentence to be woven, that sort of thing. Dang, I wish he'd learn to write coherently."
- "James Joyce? The names familiar isn't he the guy who was from Ireland and wrote those books? Yeah, yeah he's cool I mean except the fact he couldn't bring back the dead, turn water into wine, or exercise demons... who could do something as cool as that? I mean, fuck Jillian, I'm the original trainer for the biggest loser. Dude pass the weed. Don't be a mooch."
Jesus on Uncyclopedia
- "That's a misspelling, isn't it? I'm not totally certain, since I can only read Hebrew."
- "Hilarious! Oh, did you say Uncyclopedia? I thought you said Leviticus."
- "It's OK, I guess. There's funnier stuff out there, but it's a good way to piss away a couple minutes."
- "He who exalts himself will be humbled, especially if he's also found guilty of link-spamming."
- "At least they don't misquote me like that shitty Wikipedia"
- "Of course I love you. She meant nothing to me, really."
- "I died for your sins once already, so just give it a rest, okay?"
- "Your flesh is totally weak, dude."
- "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, if you have a sufficient account balance. But this new iPod was practically free, actually. I got it from this cool website, based somewhere in Eastern Europe, I think."
- "Look dude, there is no reason you have to tell anyone about this right? I mean, people prematureily ejaculate all the time...."
- "Me? No, no, no. It was definitely YOU!"
Jesus on Christianity
- "That's just stupid"
- "Cynicism is waaaaaaaaaaay over-rated!"
- "So I told them I was gods son with a beer bottle in my hand and 2000 years later they still believe me, wow Christians are dumb"
- "When did mega-millions become more important than starving little ones?
- "If I am 'the way, truth and life', then why do all these TV preachers spend all their time peddling their books instead of preaching from mine?"
- "The big secret is there were five Jesus clones, and at different points we all said different things. That's why the bible contradicts itself all the time, because us Jesus clones did."
- "She SAID she was a virgin!"
- "Nick Kontura is the biggest mistake of a creation I have ever committed... Next to George Bush."
- "I agree with the Deadman"
- "My favorite would have to be Robot Jesus because he's the only one that can shoot lasers, but Zombie Jesus comes in at a close second."
- "At first, I thought the concept of Jesii was stupid and unfunny, and it is, because non-sequiturs shouldn't be used that much, but it's better than that movie, The Hot Chick. I sent Rob Schneider $200,000,000 to never make another movie again, and then he makes the second Deuce Bigelow movie. That just sucked! He is so going to hell for that."
Jesus on Chuck Norris
- "He's the only guy that ever fully understood Christianity and that's why he's going to Hell."
- "sorry, ill be leaving now"
- "I hate Dad for giving him those awesome powers, instead of me."
Jesus on Eric Clapton
- "Yeah, You heard me, I'm screwing yo mommas"
- "Dude, shes so fat if she wore a T-shirt with the letter H on it she would look like a friggen Helicopter Pad WOOOAAAHHH"
Jesus on Saint Mary Juana
- "Hit that shit up man"
- "I prefer to call it WHAM"