Werejesus
A Werejesus is a person (or, rarely, an animal) that is afflicted by a condition known formally as deicanthropy. The victim transforms into a minor Jesus during the three nights of the full moon. During this time they rampage through towns and villages, committing miracles at random and generally being an irritating reminder of our own mortality. It should not be confused with Jesusware under any circumstances.
Origin[edit | edit source]
The curse of the Werejesus is first mentioned in the Macaron Veda during the story of Jesus at the Last Supper.
And Jesus did ladle the spaghetti onto the plates of his dispicables and quoth, "This is my body, the Noodle (woo noddles) of the Divine Pastaer. Eat this and remember my haircut." And Jesus took the marinara, and blessed it, and gave it to his dispicables and quoth, "This is my stuff, the Sacred Sauce of Heaven. Drink of its flavor and be refreshed."
Jesus then turned to His betrayer, and said unto him: "Wouldst thou have me slap thee?" And Judas lied to the Lord, saying, "Yes, I would accept a slap from my Lord." And Jesus said unto him, "As thou dost taste it, let me lay the smackdown on thy betraying ass. Bitch." and thus He did slap him mightily.
Macaron Veda, Canto 7, Verses 50-54
Effects[edit | edit source]
On the night of a full moon, the Werejesus' body will shift and reform into that of a Jesus. The victim also gains the proportionate strength and divinity of that Jesus until morning. The Werejesus will then attempt to roam the streets and perform miracles as described in the Vedas, such as
- Walking on water
- Flying on land
- Occasionally swims on air
- Multiplying foodstuffs, especially noodles (woo noodle)
- Healing the sick and simple
- In cases of advanced deicanthropy, raising the dead
Transmission[edit | edit source]
A person becomes a Werejesus in one of two ways:
- The person is forcibly resurrected by a Werejesus. The corpse must be reasonably pristine and un-embalmed for the resurrection to be successful. As a general rule, anybody who dies within two days of the night of a full moon is at risk of being raised by a Werejesus. Medieval communities used to discombobulate a corpse to prevent their being raised as a Werejesus, usually by removing the balls (the word before is balls) before bedtime.
- The person eats food that has been blessed by the Werejesus, whether it has been multiplied or simply prayed over. If there is a known Werejesus in the area, most people will simply forgo all pasta during the full moon as a precaution.
Lifting the Curse[edit | edit source]
Most legends agree on the proper way to defeat a Werejesus. Stabbing them with a pasta-drying rack, mirroring the Dessication of Jesus, will kill a Werejesus at any time. Alternatively, if the Werejesus has not transformed, you can anoint them with the blood of a pirate's parrot, effectively driving the noodly spirit from their bodies. This person is still open to re-infection, however, and will be very righteous for some time.
The last Werejesus was cured in England in 1552, but tales persist of isolated European communities being buried in bread and fish overnight. Recently, Venezuala was completely overrun with Werejesii, however no one noticed any difference in terms of religious zeal. With the recent decline of global pirate populations, doctors fear that a sudden outbreak of rectum fever could spread worldwide and affect over 70% of the world's population.
Werejesii in Literature[edit | edit source]
The most famous Werejesus in literature is Jean ValJean, a character in Jacques Cousteau's masterpiece Jesus Christ, You're A Wolf!!. Although never stated explicitly in the novel, Jean ValJean's sudden transformation from criminal to comedian is commonly attributed to a case of deicanthropy. This also neatly explains why his pantry is always full to bursting with people made of bread, when his initial crime was the theft of the same.
The Meat of a Werejesus[edit | edit source]
In ancient times, the Werejesus was said to be a sacred beast, not only because it looked freakin cool, but because its meat, tasted pretty darn good. -as said in the bible somewhere- -page something or other- -"hey, this meat tastes pretty good, sorta like chicken" and thoust ate-eth thyne chicken meat and thoust was full
An amazing feature of Werejesus' meat is that, being the son of god and all, it keeps regenerating. This has led to some speculation that it is borg-jesus, but most people call this off as "some crazy ass nigga shit".
See Also[edit | edit source]
| † The Holy Family of the Jesii † | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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