Prehistoric Jesus
Prehistoric Jesus (129,287 BC - 129,263 BC) was a Neanderthal Frenchman living near modern Givors who is most noted for inspiring the Original Jesus's performance of live carpentry performance art, carving exquisite prehistoric marijuana pipes and being one of the first music promoters.
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Marijuana Pipes[edit]
It is postulated that Prehistoric Jesus was one of the first living beings to intentionally carve a marijuana pipe from a variety of substances including stone, wood, bone, dried dung, mud, an apple, a potato, his hand and a solid block of ice. The addition of a "carb-hole" to the neck-stem of pipes is often attributed to Prehistoric Jesus. It is currently unproven whether this had anything to do with his admittedly happier disposition than the other Jesuses (proper plural form: Jesii)
Carpentry, Prehistoric Jesus and The Carpenters[edit]
He is also known for creating the first historical evidence of fliers for musical performances and his uncanny ability to carve exquisite marijuana pipes from any material. He is considered the first member of The Carpenters to charge money for performances and the reason performances of The Carpenters are not considered performance art by most thinking people today.
The Botched Prehistoric Crucifixion of Prehistoric Jesus[edit]
After the shameless self-promotion of his carving of a marijuana pipe, there was great anger from fellow members of The Carpenters who quickly formed a mob and attempted to fasten Prehistoric Jesus to a rock. As there was no method of doing this yet invented, Prehistoric Jesus simply slid off the rock onto the ground. After several attempts to fasten him failed, The Carpenters gave up and Prehistoric Jesus survived, but was thrown out of the band.
The Late Life of Prehistoric Jesus[edit]
It is rumored that after being thrown out of the band Prehistoric Jesus married the prehistoric prostitute Prehistoric Mary Magdeline who tempted Prehistoric Jesus with hairlessness and Prehistoric sexual positions; but this is only conjecture.
There is no evidence a prehistoric Mary Magdalene ever existed.
From various rumors collected from archeologists and scholars, it is suggested that the later life of Prehistoric Jesus was largely unremarkable involving a brief stint as a mastodon wrangler in the southern mountains of modern France and a fliip-flop salesman- though the existence of the flip-flop among the Neanderthals is a point of contention and hot debate among scholars.
His legacy may have been continued when the "Original Jesus" created a sensation with his performance art piece known today as "The Passion of The Christ" that cumulated in a carpenter (himself) being made into a form of decorative furniture by being nailed using carpenters tools to a piece of wood.
| Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. | |
| Monster Jesii | |
|---|---|
| Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard | Save yourself from Werejesus! |
| Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark | And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus |
| Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: Demolishing non-blessed skyscrapers -- New York, watch out! | This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus |
| Munchie Jesii | |
| Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. | Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus |
| Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! | Finally, something on a stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! |
| Other Jesii | |
| MicroJesus: A teeny, tiny Jesus that forgives all of your teeny, tiny sins. | Will never lift a finger for you, no matter what you believe!: Placebo Jesus |
