Jesus Christ Sponge

Jesus Loves This Article

The Jee Man Himself has shown, in his infinite wisdom, that he is the ultimate purveyor of all things nifty, spiffy, and generally interesting. He has personally reviewed this article and given His blessing. The submitter may be forgiven three venial sins or one mortal sin.

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“ THE JESUS CHRIST SPONGE CAN ABSORB 250% MORE SIN THAN THE LEADING BRANDS!!!!!!!1!!!!”

~ Billy Mays on Jesus Christ Sponge

“ I love the Jesus Christ Sponge, I, like, don't need to think when I clean anymore. It's just, like that awesome.”

~ Paris Hilton on Jesus Christ Sponge

The original Jesus Christ Sponge

The Jesus Christ Sponge is the result of many years of top-secret child molesting research by the Catholic Church. It has received international acclaim for not only being able to clean dishes, but also having a picture of Jesus on it, despite it's ridiculously high price.

Worker Issue

In 2006, there was tremendous controversy over worker conditions in the Jesus-Tech factories. Some workers were reporting being forced to work naked, while being watched by older priests. While others reported being touched by their managers. Another source of controversy was that all workers were little boys.

Celebrity Endorsement

Paris Hilton

In 2007 Paris Hilton made a public endorsement of the Jesus Christ Sponge, claiming that it made cleaning easy, and removing the little thought required to clean oneself. She then proceeded to explain how to use the sponge saying:

“First you take the Jesus Christ Sponge, then you, like, give it to your manservant and he moves his hands on you and your clean! it's like so EASY!” – Paris Hilton

The major part of her endorsement was along with having a Bible in every room, every room would also have a Jesus Christ Sponge. This action fell on some controversy seeing as she rejected requests to have the Koran in every room, as well as many other religious texts.

Jesus Christ

The Jesus Christ Sponge was quickly endorsed by Jesus as the 'Official Sponge of the Church'. Though Jesus himself never spoke of the endorsement, and has in fact not been seen for 2000 years, The Pope released this statement:

“ Jesus has made it clear that the only way to get into Heaven is to purchase a Jesus Christ Sponge from any Jesus-Tech retailer.”

~ Spokesman for Jesus-Tech on Jesus Christ Sponge

Many people doubted the legitimacy of this endorsement, these questions were quickly put down by the Pope's statement:

“Trust me! This time I promise it isn't the alcohol talking!”

~ Pope on Jesus's Endorsement

Spongebob Squarepants

when the Jesus Christ Sponge first came out, the endorsing job came right to the hands of the cartoon superstar, Spongebob Squarepants. However, this job was cancelled when the media found Spongebob was a Jew. Ironically, the Jesus Christ Sponge immediately sucked in Mr. Squarepants' soul into Hell.

Theory of the Jesus Christ Sponge

The Jesus Christ Sponge can be proven easily:

• We can agree that E=MC^2
• We can also agree that Jesus is has mass so E=JesusC^2
• And because Jesus can do anything, including traveling at the speed of light in a vacuum we can agree that E=JesusJesus^2
• Therefor E=Jesus^4
• So Energy>Jesus
• And because the catholic church thinks this is heresy we had to change it to Energy<Jesus
• Because E=MC^2
• And Energy<Jesus
• Jesus^4=MC^2
• And because E=MC^2 proves that matter and energy can be converted
• Jesus^4=MC^2 proves that Jesus and matter can be converted

The Jesus Christ Sponge uses the formula Jesus^4=MC^2 and transforms a small part of the sponge into a mini-Jesus. This mini-Jesus can then be used to clean your dishes.

The Jesus Christ Sponge absorbing evil

Powers of the Jesus Christ Sponge

The Jesus Christ Sponge has many amazing powers such as:

• Cleaning your car
• Cleaning your windows
• Cleaning your shower curtains
• Cleaning your Blu-ray disks
• Purging sin and evil
• Cleaning your friend
• Cleaning your pet dolphin
• Starting the Rapture
• Cleaning your dishes

Just spray, wipe, and the evil is GONE!!!

See also:

• Jesus' cousin Bob
• Jesus
• Personal Jesus
• Advertising

† The Holy Family of the Jesii †

The Sacred Host of Major Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Jesus. Main Jesii Original Jesus: Hey, hey, hey, it's the Jee Man himself! Original Jesus's Crackhead Twin Half-Brother: Jebus Evil Jesus: Like the Antichrist, but worse. ¿Qué?: Jesús Jesus Christ Sponge: Purge sin and clean your dishes! Don't care if it rains or freezes? You need Plastic Jesus Placebo Jesus : Will never lift a finger for you, no matter what you believe! Your own: Personal Jesus Jesus Hasselhoff: He's everywhere! Jesus' very own Homeland: Jesusland Canadian Jesus: The Second Coming! Not To Be Confused With Super-Gay Jesus: Gay Jesus MicroJesus: A teeny, tiny Jesus that forgives all of your teeny, tiny sins. Jesus saves (leftovers): Jesusware Jesus was Christian, NOT Jewish: Enough said. But what If Jesus had lived in America? The So-So Company of Other Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their contrived names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Jesus. Monster Jesii Jesusaurus Rex: The tyrant Jesus...lizard Save yourself from Werejesus! Raptor Jesus: Nazareth Park is frightening in the dark And they said Jesus rode on a Mule...Nyah!:Llama Jesus Attack of the 500 foot Jesus: New York, watch out! This Jesus loves your brains...: Zombie Jesus Munchie Jesii Jam Jesus: With a name like 'Jam Jesus', it has to be good. Savour the Saviour: Cheese Jesus Jesus Juice: An Energy Drink...IT'S GOT ELECTROLYTES! A stick the whole family can enjoy!: Sweet Jesus on a Stick! The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii Pity them, and feed them table scraps. If you are still confused about which one you want... then you're fucking retarded, bitch! Bad Jesii Atheist Jesus: You won't believe his disbelief... French Jesus: Djesus Piss Christ: Ewww! You crack my back, I'll crack yours: Chiropractor Jesus Communist Jesus: In Soviet Russia, Jesus dies for YOU! Pestering your grandpa's social media: AI Jesus Republican Jesus: Has a "W" sticker on his SUV And for anyone we've missed out on: Society of Jesus The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want to know to know it is it is yes, babs, it's probably Original Jesus. Funny Jesii Prehistoric Jesus: The find of the century. Pictorial retrospective of the Life and Times of: Lorem Ipsum Jesus Hide and Go Jesus: The hardest one to find Raise one family and you will be a believer: Pet Jesus Sweet smoking Jesus: What would Jesus smoke? Try our new McWine(TM)!: McJesus Musical Jesii Disco Jesus: Knows how to love you The Jewish Rap Sensation: MC Jesus Rockstar Jesus: Singer and Songwriter Sabbath Night Fever: The Bee-Jesus Twisted Jesii Jesus 1.5a: An alpha prototype Christ. Blue in hue and bereft of beard too: Bizarro Jesus Jesus Christ - Alcoholic: He drank too much wine at the last supper. Semi-Jesus anthropormorphic personification: Messiah Jesus Marx: Illegal Commie Clone He's blonde, cultish, and "not" a Nazi: Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints Pseudo-Jesii Stephen Colbert: Smiting Bears for in God's name Patron Jesus of Crocodiles: Steve Irwin Kyle Broflovski: The Passion of the Jew He screams! He sells! His head EXPLODES! BILLY MAYS Jesus LaBrie: That one in that band...Nightmare Cinema or something. Exiled from Babylon: Rasta Jesus Accordion Jesus: Saves you from pop music. Something musical: The Artist Formerly Known As Jesus Jihad Jesus: جهاد عيسي Jesus was a brutha: Black Jesus If you are still unsatisfied with these Jesii, you can always check out even... More Jesii