MicroJesus is a teeny, tiny Jesus that forgives all of your teeny, tiny sins.
MicroJesus was born of the Virgin Mary in 0 AD, along with his brother, Regular Jesus. Since his childhood, he has literally lived within the shadow of his comparative collossal brother. Everytime young MicroJesus would perform some minor miracle, his brother would invariably do something completely fantastic like turning water into wine. Because of this, MicroJesus was usually ignored by his peers, who were much more impressed by the miracles of Regular Jesus than by anything he ever did.
By the age of 15, MicroJesus had turned to a life of drug abuse, prostitution, and crime. After years of constantly competiting for the attention of his mother, he decided that enough was enough and moved to New Jersey to start a new life. It was during this time that MicroJesus was said to have performed some of his most bizarre miracles, like turning stolen property into drug money and curing the upwardly mobile of their intelligence. These miracles failed to impress society, and he was soon fired as the world's tiniest fast-food clerk. His former employer, White Castle, found that MicroJesus was too wild to be a competent worker:
“ MicroJesus? Sure, he attracted customers, but he was unreliable. I caught him in the bathroom one time trying to shoot heroin. I'm not even sure how he was able to carry the needle, or even how he expected not to impale himself during dosing. He was moody, too! He once yelled at one of the customers for her gluttony! You can't have a loose cannon working here. We have a reputation to uphold!
~ R. E. Teskat, Former Manager
Before too long, MicroJesus was forced to relocate to the streets. The great downward spiral of his adolescence took hold, for he was impoverished, malnourished, and a vagrant. MicroJesus would often beg for spare change, which he would occasionally be given. However, he could not actually spend it, because the coins were quite large relative to his size, and he found carrying them to be an extremely exhausting task. These issues sparked a time of chronic depression for MicroJesus.
During this time, MicroJesus was known to be extremely pessimistic. Followers seeking his sanguine advice were only repaid with snide remarks about the futility of living. As Jesus could no longer afford to engage in the hedonistic lifestyle that he had come to depend on, he was experiencing withdraw symptoms that would normally kill mere men. It was only the divine nature of his body which kept him from dying. Nonetheless, he hated life, and often attempted suicide, though never to any avail.
MicroJesus would remain a vagrant for the next seven years. It was during this time that Jesus was said to have struggled the most. In an effort to find meaning in the universe, he turned to New Ageism. However, he found the New Age philosophy to be somewhat unsatisfying, particularly because it was a little too wishy-washy for him. One day, he was approached by a Mormon, who gave him the Book of Mormon to read in his spare time. Though the book focused on his brother, he felt attracted to it because it typecast his brother as an alien entity, and that made him feel good inside. However, before too long, MicroJesus could not convince himself of the truth in Mormonism, and abandoned the religion all-together.
At the end of his 7-year homelessness, MicroJesus realized that the only true way to happiness was to create his own religion. However, by the time this revelation came to him, he also realized that founding a religion would mean having followers. Unfortunately, he knew that humanity was not a good target demographic for this new religion; after all, Regular Jesus beat him to the punch, and his new religion would be unexpectedly similar to that of his brother's. Instead, MicroJesus decided to tap a market that had been ignored by his brother: microscopic life.
His strategy turned out to be successful, and as a result, MicroChristianity is the most widely practiced religion in the world at present. It has several quadrillion followers, many of whom consist of unicellular life. He has also become horrendously rich as a result, displacing his brother's wealth by at least six orders of magnitude.“Haha! Take that, Regular Jesus! Who's a bitch now?”
~ MicroJesus, reflecting on his wealth
How MicroJesus died is not currently known. One hypothesis suggests that by killing Regular Jesus, MicroJesus's existence became incongruent with the reality, causing MicroJesus to suddenly vanish for apparently no reason. Other sources suggest that MicroJesus was attempting to spread his gospel to humanity and was accidentally stepped on; due to his size, nobody ever noticed. Some have even suggested that he was nailed to a minature cross, just like Regular Jesus was.
Although we do not know how MicroJesus died, we do know that he actually died, because the MicroBible tells us so. It is known that without MicroJesus's death, none of the trivial sins we commit (like accidentally pushing an elderly woman into traffic) would be forgiven. Without forgiveness for these kind of sins, society would collapse into chaos; yet, it has not. Therefore, MicroJesus must have died. QED.
Historicity of MicroJesus's Account
It is noteworthat that there is some dispute over the details of MicroJesus's life, espescially concerning his existence. Nobody takes these arguments seriously, because the people making them are apostates and deserve to die for their blasphemy. Besides, the MicroBible tells us that this is what happened, and the MicroBible is inerrant, because it is written by God, who we know exists because the MicroBible is inerrant... because it was written by God.
Nonetheless, rabid atheists swear up and down that the accounts within the MicroBible are complete fiction. Well, that's because they don't have MicroJesus in their hearts. They don't have faith, and would you trust somebody without faith? Certainly not! They are foul, corrupt beings who worship Ba'al because they do not want to be held accountable for their teeny, tiny sins. Are you really going to trust somebody like that?
Interacting with MicroJesus
It is comparatively simple to invoke MicroJesus into this worldly realm. This has been a commonly-performed parlor trick employed by scientists since the mid-1800s. All that is required to summon MicroJesus is the following incantation, which is preferably chanted over the corpses of kittens:
Our father, which art quite small, Awww... Thy tiny hands, Those tiny feet, Thou art cute as a button! And give us this day our daily crumb, And forgive us our Pauli Exclusion, For thou art the dearest thing I have ever seen! Amen.
This prayer, if done correctly, will have the effect of summoning MicroJesus directly in front of you. If this has not happened, then you don't have enough faith in MicroJesus, and should try again whenever you've come to your senses.
Unlike other forms of Jesus, MicroJesus is relatively safe to anger. Though his wrath is feared amongst bacteria and protists, his stature does not pose a threat to larger worshippers. These things are commonly regarded as amusing amongst taunters of MicroJesus:
- Letting MicroJesus loose in LegoLand, where the buildings are roughly to his scale. To MicroJesus, this will be a sprawling city, but he will lose his mind because he will think that either a) time has stopped, or b) the Legomen are mocking him.
- Push MicroJesus into a swimming pool. While swimming pools are great summer fun for people, the pool will appear to be an undending ocean to MicroJesus. Furthermore, the walls of the pool will appear to be massive cliffside to MicroJesus, but the smooth nature of the pool walls means that him climbing out of the pool is an insurmountable task.
- Taking MicroJesus's name in vain, espescially in an exclamatory manner. This irratates MicroJesus to no end.
MicroJesus has a number of talents which make him well suited to industrial labor. He has been successfully employed in a number of different occupations, including the following positions:
- Nanotechnology - MicroJesus's small size and divinity mean that his manipulation of objects on atomic scales is unprecedented.
- Microbial Ambassador - MicroJesus can use his godly powers to communicate with pathogens, possibly causing them to undergo a MicroReligious Experience and therefore convincing them to convert to MicroChristianity. The newly converted pathogens will be forced to observe dogma which prevents them from infecting the host.
Caring for MicroJesus
Once you have invoked MicroJesus, you have taken on a serious responsibility, and I expect you to live up to it, Mister. MicroJesus could die (again) if you do not properly care for his needs:
- Wipe MicroJesus down once per day with a damp cloth.
- Keep MicroJesus well hydrated. An eye-dropper works well for this.
- Do not expose MicroJesus to direct sunlight, or he will catch on fire.
- Do not crush MicroJesus. He's your savior, not Superman.