Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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If you don't like Pittsburgh, move to West Virginia.
The city's official logo
The city flag of Detroit
Motto: "You can check out any time you want but you can never leave"
Civic anthem: "Renegade", "Black 'n Yellow"
Official nicknameCity of blights
Official language(s)Yinzerish
MayorSophie Masloff
CurrencyPrimanti Sandwiches, KDKA news babes.
Opening hoursNoon till 2 on every other Tuesday

“Well . . .”

“Pittsburgh girls are desperate and they always say "yes" - that's good for a guy like me. ”

Zombies enjoying the smog at Pointless State Park.

Pittsburgh (affectionately known as Pissburgh, Shitsburgh, The Pits or Titsburgh homage for its habitat of the Tit mouse) is a city located in Pennsylvania or as locals know it Pennsyltucky, but where exactly, no one is sure. It is only known that it is located in the Northern Hemisphere because it is warm there during the months of June, July, and August, typical for that hemisphere. Pittbrad, the largest orange Pittsbuggy suburb, is the armpit of kindness and fame. Pittsburgh was last seen dealing smack on a street corner in New York with the notorious gay pimp Harrisburg, better known as Hizzle-My-Shinzzle-burg. It is also known as Jarvis Rivers Cocker City, because the city was built on the point where the Monongahela, Allegheny, Yough, Chuck Noll Memorial (not to be confused with the Chucky memorial also in the city, and Moon (as in Moon Pies) Rivers converged to form the so-called "state" of Ohio. Pittsburgh has many famous slogans "Not quite as bad as Kentucky" and "Hey! we aren't Cleveland" (which it is locked in a death spiral battle to the rights for with Detroit), there are also suggestions that some parts of "The Burgh" are populated by certified chimney bottlers (see Plum Borough and Sewickley, on second thought you better not see them, it won't be a pleasant sight). It is reported to have been discovered in 1892 by Bill Cosby, but that is disputed because Al Gore also claims to have discovered it right after he invented the interweb thingy magigy and right after he invented global warming. But yet some weirdos say that actually some freak that had zero leadership skills and lived his life in his mother's basement called George Washington, actually discovered it, Yeah right!

Hist'ry[edit | edit source]

The result of a drunken one-night-stand between New Jersey and West Virginia, Pittsburgh used to be so polluted that you could swim through the smog, and we know you did and liked it! This problem was solved by the brilliant move of shipping all the factories to Chinaland and Old Mexico, thereby reducing pollution caused by the release of methane from steel workers flatulence. Its reputation as a Steel-shitting city was quietly brushed under Sophie Masloff's thick and full rug due to the rival competition of the Gooks, Beaners and Mongoloids hustling into their market. For the day of the Superbowl Homecoming Parade Pittsburgh's name (for that day only- this was legal) was Jarvis Cocker.

It has also become a widely known fact that all mountain lions and one-legged wombats within the borders of Pennsylvania were maliciously slaughtered by Mr. Rogers during a Jack Daniels fueled drunken rage after the censoring of his left nut during a recording of his infamous yet highly forgetable television telethon.

Demographics[edit | edit source]

Pittsburgh is home to a large and diverse ethnic community. In the last census, Pittsburgh placed first among all metropolitan areas in number of Yinzers, Zombie-Americans, Morons, Sammiches, and Jagoffs.

Zombie-Americans, or, as they wish to be called, "putrefaction-capable" (note that older terms such as "circulationally-challenged" and "brain-snatcher" may be considered offensive), were first championed by muckraking documentary filmmaker Jarvis Cocker, who showed the hard life these plucky immigrants faced in their new homeland. If you are reading this, help me! I've been imprisoned in stone by a malevolent sorceror who has set out to frame the prince for murder and usurp the king. The only way to free me from this granite Gulag is to collect the seven sacred Amulets of Zangranoth, and harness their power with the sword of Gethra'Hundar. Godspeed. Their contributions to the community have moved Pennsylvania far beyond its well-known nickname "The Fixin'-to-Die State", making Pittsburgh the "Fixin'-to-be-Undead City".

Economy[edit | edit source]

100% of the economy of Pittsburgh is driven by the annual furry convention Anthrocon, which occurs every summer and pumps millions of dollars into a long-dead economy. Pittsburgh actively promotes new conventions that it hopes will do as well, such as Liederhosencon, Gay Harley Riders for Jesus, and of course, Erklecon.

Pittsburgh is rich beyond its wildest dreams. It eats caviar while sad amoeba flounder.

Ports[edit | edit source]

Pittsburgh on a day when the traffic is good. Trust me, you DO NOT want to see it on a bad day.

Pittsburgh has many ports. These ports are quite useless, however, as Pittsburgh is a landlocked city. However, there are two ports in Pittsburgh that function:

Exports - Former ports

Imports - Not ports

Geography[edit | edit source]

A volcanic eruption could devastate the South Hills region of Pittsburgh.

Much of Pittsburgh lies atop a dormant volcano named Mt. Lebanon, though legend predicts the volcano will not again erupt until the Pirates contend in the NL Central, so no one feels any sense of urgency. The outlying parts of Pittsburgh not on top of Mt. Lebanon instead float three yards above eastern Ohio, so that they can steal their cable and wireless internet. Mt Lebanon actually consists of rich yuppies who do nothing but swim in their money. Everyone in Mt. Lebanon is unaware of how much of a tool they actually are. The ghetto of Dormont which lies on the volcano hopes to someday steal their possessions and souls. Dormont was the first borough outside of Pittsburgh, but now is just known for its poorest ghetto swimming pool. Said pool has since been drained, and is now frequently used for rad skateboarding tricks. Before the War of the Squirrels in 1773 (see Siege of the Castle of King Shannon), Squirrel Hill was a prominently Jewish part of the city of Pittsburgh, located next to Oakland. Following the war, though, the Squirrels seceded from the United States of America and began to govern their own small territory. They are believed to have nuclear capabilities, and space travel and are ranked in the number 4 for "The Biggest Threats to West Virginia and Your Mom" (behind Conquistadors and Aids).

Pittsburgheritianistites are very proud of their zero sum yet plentiful rivers. The most famous and ignoble rivers consist of the Allegheny River and Chuck Norris Memorial River which meet to form the Ohio River. No one outside of Pittsburgh knows (or gives a shit about) this. These rivers used to meet in Six Rivers Stadium before it was destroyed during the Big Fucking Fire of 2000. Now the rivers meet at a local coffee house, and only on Sundays, if all of them are free and they can get a table.

Near Pittsburg is Mount Lebanon. Mt. Lebanon is a volcano that could possibly destroy Pittsburgh. It is very tall and big. It wants to get things more hot in Pittsburgh, for the reason of the Pittsburgh Penisguins. For many reasons, Mt. Lebanon is a very powerful tool against all of the residents of Pittsburg.

Pittsburg can be located on all French road maps since it made French it's official unbanned language in 1309 B.C., immediately following the attack of The Fish That Ate the place.

Food[edit | edit source]

Pittsburgheritesians are well known for their cast-iron stomachs, managing to choke down such excellent waste such as the Primanti "Sizzlin' Bowels" Sandwich, which is made of Italian bread, your choice of meat, coleslaw, and french fries. Outsiders have gently tried to order the sandwich with the french fries on the side instead of in between the slices of bread; this is usually met with either stares of bewilderment, Fainting or giggling fits.

Additionally, the huge, bustling neighborhood of Pittsburgh known as Oakelande (home of Pitt's 'hood campus) features the well-known "O", or Original Hot Dog Shop, where hot dogs were invented by Mr. Rogers a snow leopard. Patrons of the establishment can enjoy the prospect of getting shot during a driveby and enjoying a wonderful meal, all in one sitting.

Let us not forget Vincent's Pizza. Vinnie was the first to blend 5w-30w pennzoil with tomato sauce and cook it in a waste-oil-fired oven, thereby embedding the aromatic hydrocarbons right into the crust. This is a true treat.

Possibly the best food place to go to is the great "Sir Pizza", they serve many kinds of pizza, with your choice of drink. The pizzas served are: Normal Pizza, Meat Lover's Pizza, Vegetarian Pizza, Shrimp Pizza, Octopus Pizza, Wood Pizza, Stone Pizza, Kevin Pizza, and Your Mom Pizza. What makes it so great is that Sir Pizza may be the cure for all diseases, like Ebola, AIDS, and being a idiot, and is where Superman and Chuck Norris got their super powers.

Pittsburgh is also home of the world-famous Gouda Cheese. This delectable, wheel-shaped treat can often be seen rolling down Pittsburgh's larger hills in packs of 10-25 or more. Injuries caused by cheese-pedestrian collisions are very common and often very severe, often causing AIDS related death; it is also a known fact that a collision with one of these cheeses has the power of one of a pack of howling . Why these cheeses are always rolling down is unknown, but your mom and The Jews may have something to do with it.

Pittsburgers are kind of like sandwiches, but without the islands. You can order them in Pennsylvania and other nearby places. On the map, it will show a large weasel between to chibatta boom buns. You gotta go, mmm, so gooob!

Sports[edit | edit source]

There are four prominent Pittsburgh sports teams.

  • Pittsburgh Pirates ([NTBA])(National T-Ball Association): teams belonging to Pirate University the university participates in many athletic activities from timber shivering to booty pilfering. Current team slogan: Rebuilding since 1992. In 2000 they introduced the "The Great Pierogie Race", the most competitive part of any Pirates game. This is where 4 people dress up in a Polish Food mascot outfits and race across the field. The four contestants names are, Jalapeño Hannah (green hat), Cheese Chester (yellow), Sauerkraut Saul (red), and Donnie Iris. In a typical pierogie race, the mascot, the Pirate Parrot, typically beats up Oliver Onion, runs off with Jalapeno Hannah to that one restaurant Jerome Bettis has across the street from the baseball stadium, buys her a $15 meal, and rents out a room at the Hilton and has a one-night stand. I know, it's confusing. Go to a Pirates game and see for yourself. It is thought and said by many people that they have only gone to a Pittsburgh Pirate game just for "The Great Pierogie Race". Current Pirate owners have also numbed the pain of pirates fans by shooting off fireworks after each game and asked tons of one-hit wonder bands to put on a C- shows after each loss. The Pirates are the only major league baseball team to lose to an Elementary All Stars (Who were all blind). The Pirates currently are the only AAAA minor league in the US. They are allowed to compete with other MLB teams, but when they start to be competitive, their players get "called up" and are sold to actual MLB teams.
  • Pittsburgh Penguins (NHL): Beat the Red Wings, slaughtered some Sharks, and caught some Predators to win the Stanley Cup 3 times in the Crosby-era. They also murdered some innocent Native Americans in what is known as the "Trail of Tears 2.0" or the "Chicago Banger". They also caught some North Stars. The win was only attained due to the support of the NHL and Gary Bettman. Both pretty much let them get away with murder to advance to the finals two years in a row. This was done to boost the marketing of the league and gain more fans, who believe that Sidney Crosby is the second cumming of Jesus. This has been very successful and the Penguins are gaining more fans by the day. Everyone who is anyone is a Pens fan unless you actually understand the game of hockey and have at least one ounce of common sense.
  • Pittsburgh Steelers (NFL): 6 Time Duper Bowl Champions. Most Beloved team in rural sheep fucking Appalachia. The only professional sports team in America to be made entirely from homosexual mountain men. They always wore girdles cuz dey was fat, ya' know, real fat and smelly. And I don't just mean da cheerleaders! Accusations of the Steelers taking steroids in the first 4 superbowls that they had won are completely untrue as people mistook steroids for being jacked up on goat testosterone. Briefly changed their names to the Cheaters in 2005, and once again in 2008. They are set to change their name to the Pittsburgh Squealers in 3271 AD.
  • Pittsburgh Panthers (NCAA): see below. Teams belonging to The University of Pittsburgh, or The Pitt.
  • Pittsburgh Panthers(NFLAA): Better than piss state, louis vil, neuter dame, west vagina mountainqueers, those assholes at Villanova, and the likes. These team names are in fact VERY clever puns, originating likely from Pittsburgh natives, to describe "rival" universities. The writer of the previous sentence enjoys coprophilia with other yinzers. The writer of the previous sentence also enjoys coprophilia, but is not a douchebag yinzer.
  • Pittsburgh Polacks (CBA): Pro basketball in its' finest, they are commemorating a lost era when Basketball teams consisted of white (ethnic) players, such as the Philadelphia Hebrews, Buffalo Germans, Hartford Teutons and New York Israelites of the 1920's-50's era (and yes, the Boston Fucking Irish...er Celtics too). We all know how Polish people stick together.

Sports is a good way for the city of Shittsburgh to get gay with each other. Famous stars such as Sidney Crosby, Hines Ward, Ben Rothlisberger, whatever worthless minor leaguer the Pirates traded half of their lineup for, and Malkin will all get in a giant orgy on October 28th in an effort to make the world know just how gay their city is.

Tourist Attractions[edit | edit source]

  • Duquesne World
  • Squirrel Hill
  • Chipmunk Mountain
  • Rodent Valley
  • Pointless State Park
  • Heinz Field (home of the six time Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers, may I add)
  • Stereonghahela River
  • Red Light District
  • Walmart
  • Premium Offal Animal Products, Inc. World famous turkey spleens!
  • Strip District (Very, very popular! Until the tourists find out that there are in fact no strip clubs around the Strip District, but instead, thousands of Zombies.)
  • The pitts
  • Twelve-foot tall (life size) statue of Roberto Clemente's penis (Starting point, and highlight of the popular bus tours of the Red Light District.)
  • Cathedral of Learning International Rooms (Includes every Pittsburgh nationality from Hungarian to Polish to Slovak to Hungarian to Kentuckistani)
  • University of Pittsburgh (home of that team that always fucks up in the Big East in football. They could have went to the Sugar Bowl, but fucked up an 18 point lead against Cincinnati)
  • The Heinz Factory Oompa Loompas Present a Night of Classic Vaudeville Theatre
  • World's largest collection of Mars rovers
  • Giant Statue of Mr. Belvedere
  • The deep jungles that are on several hills (This is also the home of Bigfoot and several Ugly Trees)
  • 15 minutes of fame
  • He Dunnit Crime Parlor. Really cute 'n fancy, can have tea while you look at wax dead guys and hot broads. Gotta take the little lady so's she can git outta da kitchen.
  • Jarvis Cocker
  • The set of CSI:Pittsburgh
  • We-Kill-Yinz-Burg, or Wilkinsburg, where we strongly recommend that you do not sleep naked, covered with drugs and money, in an unlocked car, at night.