Chucky

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I am, in fact, going out with the guy from Saw.

Chucky, settling rumors

It ain’t the size that counts, asshole! It’s what you do with it.

Chucky on his favorite things

Chucky's most recent murder attempt

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Chucky.

Charles Lee "Chucky" Ray (also known as "The Lakeshore Strangler") is a renowned serial killer of those who call themselves children, was born in Virginia in 1987 to Rob Reiner and Samuel L. Jackson, who claims "he doesn't know who the motherfucking fuck the little motherfucker is," although DNA evidence proves otherwise. Yet still, Lou Dobbs frequently presses the issue of Chucky's legitimacy on his radio show.

He lived a rather peaceful life along with his other father Rob Reiner, and his two brothers and sisters; together they created the first generation of The Brady Bunch.

His father, Rob Reiner had abandoned him after discovering he had died of cancer (a cause of smoking 28 cigarettes a day) three years before Chucky was born, hence believing his duty as a father wouldn't ever be fulfilled properly. Thankfully God recognized this terrible injustice of fate, and immediately - well, after He'd finished his game of Doom - resurrected Chucky's father. And all was good in the world, until Chucky's father was caught molesting Chucky.

Rob Reiner was arrested and tried for killing four prostitutes, three babies, a dog, and attempting to eat a bagel without a license. He pled nolo contendere by way of temporary insanity. He was found super guilty on all counts except for the case of said bagel; the defense citing lack of evidence as cause for dismissal. He was sentenced to execution by way of riding the lightning.

Flicking between the live coverage of the trial, the consequent execution and Pokemon, Charles' fragile little mind began to shatter. The final blow came when as he turned over to watch his weekly Tom and Jerry cartoon at 5:30PM (BST), a power outage occurred, and he ended up missing the ensuing hilarity of a cat and mouse attempting to kill each other in gruesome acts of pure and utter violence onscreen.

This forced him into screaming repeatedly for a quarter of an hour, grabbing a pump-action shotgun he had stored for just an occasion and visiting to his local mall, where he purchased a better model. After this, Chucky was unstoppable and became a pure killing machine.

The accomplishments done by Chucky himself later became the source of inspiration for the best selling novel The Da Vinci Code. Unfortunately for him, the courts didn't recognize him as having any claim to a share of the profits generated by the book as he kept murdering the judges and their families whenever they said anything displeasing to him. On one occasion he even tried to transfer his soul into the body of one judge's son, although he never managed to complete the chant and ritual necessary for this, as he was shot repeatedly in the head and heart by a passing squirrel.

He has since starred in five movies about his life, which are only partly-autobiographical at best, as they are really just fictional accounts of the type of life Chucky would have really liked to have had.

Chucky passed away on the 20 September 2005, at the hands of his son, James Earl Ray.

Early beginnings[edit]

Chucky, working at a cable company, telling his customers that their service has expired

After quitting school, and becoming a professional serial killer, he lurched through the streets searching for food, but no luck. He would occasionally get a job as a bartender during the weekends, but the pay wasn't enough for his growing needs of pleasure.

It wouldn't be until he encountered a new way of life in the church of scientology, that he became aware of his situation and sought guidance from L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard, being the saintly man that he was, asked Chucky for $4,000,000 cash up front before he would address any of his issues. After liberating the money needed from a local convent, he began to attend therapy and learned much from his master, usually on a boat in the ocean, surrounded by men.

After ascending up through the organization, Chucky began to tire from the day-to-day life of being a Scientologist and decided it was high-time to put into practice everything he had learnt from L. Ron Hubbard. With the new philosophy of Scientology still inside of him, he went forward lying, stealing, cheating, and murdering his way through life.

Unfortunately, Chucky once more began to tire from the senseless killing of innocents and got a job as a cable repair man to help provide for his habit of eating Doritos.

Chucky would occasionally request for a "Good day" salute whenever he thought like doing so. It is well known among men that a denying such request will result in the permanent ban of your head from your torso by yours truly. Such a reaction questioned the fact of whether he believed in common sense, friendship, and carrot hugging; but that is a mystery that will remain in the shadow of a doubt.

Known as "Vincent the Third" by his loved ones, Chucky never knew what it felt to embrace life with both his hands, like one would do when holding a baseball bat at the last inning. A closer inspection into his portraits can reveal a hint of sorrow coming out of his plastic grin.

These obscure days of tragedy that tormented Chucky's early beginnings are secretly kept in a drawer at the Oval Office. Only the president's mistress has access to such documents.

The Wonder Years[edit]

Do you remember that TV show? Chucky made it end before it was too late.

In the evening of June 17, 1861, a weatherman predicted a disturbance in the Force, the arrival of the Great Depression. Chucky was the chosen one for the closing of this event, and so he spent eleven years in isolation, meditating about the purpose of life. Unfortunately, nobody cared enough to research how to reach enlightenment the same way he did. A brave warrior he was, indeed. He also had a cameo appearance at the major motion picture Citizen Kane as "The Little Guy with Red Hair who talks Funny".

Love life[edit]

Lindsaychucky.jpg
Bride-of-chucky-wedding-topper.jpg

Chucky's muse appeared one day, when the movie corporates began to feel they weren't rich enough.

Lindsay Lohan (Later known as Chucky's first mistress) came onto scene after meeting Chucky at a monster truck rally in the early 90s. One would say they were the perfect couple, but looks can be deceiving ... plastic toys and plastic singers definitely can't get along.

Almost immediately, rumors of domestic abuse seemed to rise as the couple became the focus of the tabloid media. People Magazine released an article on how incredibly stupid one had to be to marry a plastic meaningless object (referring to Chucky, of course). A reality show later appeared on TV which kept track of their daily life and unfortunate mishaps. This show was later pulled off the air after showing evidence that it was being reenacted in a Hong Kong hotel and was rated by Roger Ebert as "profoundly gross".

Lindsay became jealous of the greatness of her beloved partner and consequently tried to become like him in every single way. At this time, she was going through many hormonal changes as she was pregnant with their twin sons, James Earl and Trey Parker. Chucky, being the sensitive gentleman he is, felt deeply concerned about the state of her wife and proceeded to call Dr. Phil.

Lindsay's obsession of becoming like her husband went overboard. Chucky found his wife trying to insert herself a pair of batteries as if she were a battery-operated doll instead of the ego-driven hag she is. A personality disorder became clear. Her syndrome remains unnamed, although many simply opted to classify her as a misunderstood, tortured soul. After the marriage was dissolved, Lindsay was re-taken into custody by the state of California.

Chucky is allowed to visit Trey Parker only occasionally and only on weekends, while James Earl was thrown in a dumpster, which turned out to be a time machine. This led Trey Parker to be the main focus of the media, with James Earl seething at his abandonment as a baby, and vowing revenge.

Conflicts with the Republican Party[edit]

Chucky 3

A notorious incident involving Chucky occurred on June 3, 1997. While headed to the local public pornographic film, he witnessed Lindsay Lohan fucking a squirrel. At that time, Chucky noticed that she was his ex-wife and, as he was drunk, he followed the most reasonable course of action, and ran over to Lindsay and stabbed her to death. Around two hours later, Chucky ran into a slew of prominent conservative blowjobs figures, including Rush Limbaugh. Glenn Beck then accused Chucky of being a criminally insane homicidal manic, irony notwithstanding. Chucky, hurt by Beck's comments, decided to show his hurt feelings by brutally murdering a nearby secretary, while Beck and Limbaugh fled the room. This deeply angered Chucky, who vowed revenge against the entire Republican Party, and made true on his promise by rigging the 2020 Election in favor of Joe Biden.

Rising up[edit]

Chucky had been hit hard by the divorce, and, after watching televangelists all day, he decided to find Jesus. After finding a man named Jesus at a local strip bar, working for minimum wage, he killed Jesus with the very pole he was dancing on. After doing this, Chucky was a new man, albeit a tiny one, but nonetheless a new one anyway. He decided he needed to get together like-minded people so as not to degenerate into a pitiful and drooling depressed man-baby once more. So he started a band, which was originally called Nine Inch Nails, but seeing as that name was taken, he renamed it Fall Out Boy.

The band[edit]

The band released five albums[1] and toured the world extensively with bands such Christian metalcore/death metal bands such as Radiohead and Becoming the Archetype. Chucky was living the life, that is, as much as a possessed doll can.

The downward spiral ... again[edit]

The rest of the band, however, began to feel that Chucky was becoming too image conscious and controlling, and decided to leave the band, to the shock of their eight fans. Chucky chose to not let this affect him, and decided to start up a whole new Fall Out Boy in 2000.

  • Chucky – vocals
  • Patrick Dempsey – vocals, guitar
  • Joe – guitar
  • Peter Pan – bass, backing vocals
  • Vomit – drums

Unfortunately, the band decided to fire Chucky on the account of his "being too tall". Once again, Chucky watched as something he had created and loved was destroyed by midgets smaller than himself and turned to the dreaded Depression Doritos once more.

Deja vu, anyone?[edit]

Samuel L. Jackson at this point decided to help Chucky out and gave him a part in Snow White And The Motherfucking Dwarves. Chucky co-starred as Happy. Critics were astounded by his performance and gave amazing reviews, with many people watching it multiple times in a row. It has since been called by Everyone, Ever, as The Greatest Movie of All Time, especially after Time magazine did a feature on it.

The silver screen[edit]

This led to Chucky starring in many movies, such as the timeless Deep Throat and the recent Taxi Driver remake, which starred puppets Punch And Judy, among others. Wanting now to create movies himself, he decided to do just that. With the backing of all the good movie companies in the world, he decided to go with 20th Century Fox and created a movie entitled Child's Play.

Once again, critics were astounded by the movie and named it the Second Greatest Movie in The World, Ever.

Pleased with the success, Chucky produced some more movies in the vein of what he had done before. However, the movies that followed were three sequels that failed to please critics, and angered many fans with the shooting of an innocent pigeon.

Other movies[edit]

Chucky decided to create another movie, at the time entitled "Project Dontfuggup" but later renamed Bride Of Chucky. He cast Jennifer Tilly as one of the lead roles, himself as the main antagonist, and, of course, Samuel L. Jackson.

The movie was a success, though not as successful as Chucky's previous movies and created another movie called Seed Of Chucky, which was a beautiful movie and portrayal about the life of Trey Parker, Chucky's son. In the movie, James Earl was never mentioned, leading to James filing a lawsuit against Chucky. However, the case was thrown out, as the judge had no idea who James was.

Chucky finally met his true love at the opening of the film. That lucky lady was Micheal Jackson. It was an instant romance for them, and they were married about Three and a Half hours later. At the wedding, you're mom was brutally murderd from a freak waffle accident.

Later life and death[edit]

The following events are known to be accurate by footage released by Amazon, who was spying on Chucky (as well as anybody else who owned one of Amazon's products) at the time.

Chucky met his unfortunate demise at the hands of his long-forgotten son, James Earl Ray, by murder-suicide. Chucky was peacefully reading the morning paper while he casually ripped open the torso of a small child. At around 9:30 AM, James Earl Ray broke into Chucky's condo. It is assumed that Chucky heard a noise downstairs, and going downstairs, confronted James Earl Ray, who was taking a shit on the kitchen table. James fired Eighty-Four shots in rapid succession, and Chucky is assumed to have survived long enough to walk to the fridge and grab a glass of milk, before succumbing to his injuries.

James finished his business, hopped off the table, and laughed before starting to loot the house. In trying to steal the TV, James accidentally turned the TV on, only to find a DVD of the Director's Cut of Seed Of Chucky inside. With some hesitation, he watched the movie, and saw that the cut of the movie showed him in a good light, and that Chucky was deeply sorry for what he did, and only wished that he could find his long, lost son. Horrified by what he'd done, he wrote an account of why and how he did what he did, before attempting to turn the gun on himself, but ultimately finding it empty. Realizing he would have to kill himself another way, he attempted to put his head in the oven, which failed. He then attempted to hang himself, and also failed. Finally, on ripping all his limbs off and eating them, James Earl Ray died in the arms of his Father's doll-corpse.

So passed, Father and Son, in the most tragic set of circumstances. They were buried together and their epitaph reads "Little Shit and Big Shit, You Shall Be Sorely Missed".

Trey Parker, on hearing the news of the discovery of his younger brother as well as the murder and suicide of his family members, locked himself up in his Studio, and has yet to make a public appearance since.

Legacy[edit]

The masterpiece movies that Chucky made have since been remade with CGI and entitled Shrek, Shrek 2 and Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen, all starring Lindsay Lohan. "It's what he would have wanted," she told reporters at the time.

The fourth remake, A Woman Of No Importance is yet to be released, though a date is currently set for 2027. Lindsay Lohan's reanimated corpse has also started up an orphanage dedicated to the tireless work Chucky has done in helping the children the world over tentatively titled Chucky's Gonna F*ck You Up.

Holy fuck ... This guy killed a lot of people ... like, a lot of people. Famous people too. How the Hell didn’t we find out about this sooner? Somebody’s getting fired.

FBI Director

  1. All of which have been lost in the Great Flood of Katrina