“I am in fact going out with that guy from Saw”
“It ain't the size that counts asshole! It's what you do with it”
Charles Lee "Chucky" Ray (also known as "The Lakeshore Strangler") is a renowned serial killer of those who call themselves children, was born in Virginia in 1987 to Rob Reiner and Samuel L Jackson, who claims "he doesn't know who the motherfucking fuck the little motherfucker is", although DNA evidence proves otherwise. Yet still, Lou Dobbs frequently presses the issue of Chucky's legitimacy on his radio show.
He lived a rather peaceful life along with his other father Rob Reiner, and his two brothers and sisters; together they created the first generation of The Brady Bunch.
His father, Rob Reiner had abandoned him after discovering he had died of cancer (a cause of smoking 28 cigarettes a day) three years before Chucky was born, hence believing his duty as a father wouldn't ever be fulfilled properly. Thankfully God recognized this terrible injustice of fate, and immediately - well, after He'd finished his game of Doom - resurrected Chucky's father. And all was good in the world, until Chucky's father was caught molesting Chucky.
Rob Reiner was caught and sentenced having killed 25 babies, 4 prostitutes and attempting to eat a bagel without a license. He pleaded not guilty by way of temporary insanity. He was found guilty on all counts except for the case of said bagel; the defence citing lack of evidence as a cause for dismissal. He was sentenced to execution by way of electricity.
Flicking between the live coverage of the trial, the consequent execution and Pokemon, his fragile mind began to shatter. The final blow came when as he turned over to watch his weekly Tom and Jerry cartoon at 5:30PM (BST), a powercut occurred and he ended up missing the ensuing hilarity of a cat and mouse attempting to kill each other in gruesome acts of pure and utter violence onscreen.
This forced him into screaming repeatedly for a quarter of an hour, grabbing a pump-action shotgun he had stored for just an occasion and visiting to his local mall, where he purchased a better model. After this, Chucky was unstoppable and became a pure killing machine.
The accomplishments done by Chucky himself later became the source of inspiration for the best selling novel The Da Vinci Code. Unfortunately for him, the courts didn't recognize him as having any claim to a share of the profits generated by the book as he kept murdering the judges and their families whenever they said anything displeasing to him. On one occasion he even tried to transfer his soul into the body of one judge's son, although he never managed to complete the chant and ritual necessary for this, as he was shot repeatedly in the head and heart by a passing squirrel.
He has since starred in 5 movies about his life, which are only partly-autobiographical at best, as they are really just fictional accounts of the type of life Chucky would have really liked to have had.
Chucky passed away on the 20 September 2005, at the hands of his son.
After quitting school, and becoming a professional serial killer, he lurched through the streets searching for food with no luck. He would occasionally get a job as a bartender during the weekends, but the pay wasn't enough for his growing needs of pleasure.
It wouldn't be until he encountered a new way of life in the church of scientology, that he became aware of his situation and sought guidance from L. Ron Hubbard. Hubbard being the saintly man that he was asked Chucky for $4,000,000 cash upfront before he would address any of his issues. After liberating the money needed from a local convent, he began to have therepy and learned much from his master, usually on a boat in the ocean, surrounded by boys.
After ascending up through the organization, Chucky began to tire from the day-to-day life of being a Scientologist and decided it was high-time to put into practise everything he had learnt from L. Ron Hubbard. With the new philosophy of Scientology still inside of him, he went forward lying, stealing, cheating, and killing his way through life.
Unfortunately, Chucky once more began to tire from the senseless killing of innocents and got a job as a cable repair man to help provide for his habit of Doritos.
Chucky would occasionally request for a "Good day" salute whenever he thought like doing so. It is well known among men that a denying such request will result in the permanent ban of your head from your torso by yours truly. Such a reaction questioned the fact of whether he believed in common sense, friendship, and carrot hugging; but that is a mystery that will remain in the shadow of a doubt.
Known as Vincent the 3rd by his beloved ones, Chucky never knew what it felt to embrace life with both of his hands, like one would do when holding a baseball bat at the last inning. A closer inspection into his portraits can reveal a hint of sorrow coming out of his plastic grin.
These obscure days of tragedy that tormented Chucky's early beginnings are secretly kept in a drawer at the Oval Office. Only the president's mistress has access to such documents.
The wonder years
Do you remember that famous TV show? Chucky made it end before it was too late.
In the evening of June 17th 1861, a weatherman forecasted a disturbance in the force, the arrival of the Great Depression. Chucky was the chosen one for the closing of this event, and so he spent eleven years in isolation meditating about the purpose of life. Unfortunately, nobody cared enough to research how to reach enlightenment the way he did. A brave warrior he was, indeed. He also had a cameo appearance at the major motion picture Citizen Kane as "The little guy with red hair who talks funny."
Conflicts with the Republican Party
Well one day as Chucky headed to the Republican party he noticed Lindsay Lohan fucking a squirrel. At that time Chucky noticed that she was his wife and as of course he was drunk, he went by Lindsay and began to stab her brutally. Then he headed over the Republican party and realized that it was time to get the party started. therefore. he of course then got a hard on making it impossible to do anything. Chucky then realized that then his dreams became true. He pulled out a lightsabor instead of a knife and stabbed an old lady several times. Shortly thereafter, Chucky ran into a slew of prominent conservative blowjobs including Rush Limbaugh. Glenn Beck then accused Chucky of being a criminally insane homicidal manic, irony notwithstanding. Meanwhile Brittany Spears entered the room with her boobs falling out of her shirt.. Chucky stabbed her over and over, while Beck and Limbaugh fleed the room. This angered Chucky, who vowed revenge.
Chucky's muse appeared one day, when the movie corporates began to feel they weren't rich enough.
Lindsay Lohan (later known as Chucky's first mistress came) into scene after meeting Chucky at the monster truck rally festival in Utah in the early 90's. One would say they were the perfect couple, but looks can be deceiving... plastic toys and plastic singers definitely can't get along.
Rumors of domestical abuse seemed to rise as the couple became eventually the focus of the media. People magazine released an article on how incredibly stupid one had to be to marry a plastic meaningless object (referring to Chucky, of course). A reality show later appeared on TV keeping track of their daily life and misfortunate mishappenings. This show was later pulled off the air after showing evidence that it was being reenacted in a Hong Kong hotel and was qualified by Roger Ebert as "Profoundly gross."
Lindsay Lohan became jealous of the greatness of his beloved partner and consequently tried to become like him in every single way. At this time, Lindsay Lohan was going through many hormonal changes as she was pregnany with their son Trey Parker. Chucky, being the sensitive gentleman he is, felt deeply concerned about the state of her wife and proceeded to call Dr. Phil.
Many problems arose and Lohan's obsession of becoming like his husband went overboard. Chucky found her wife trying to insert herself a pair of batteries as if she was a battery operated doll instead of the Ego driven hag she is. A personality disorder became clear. Her syndrome remains unnamed although many simply opted to classify her as a misunderstood tortured soul. After the case was taken to court, their marriage was dissolved and taken by the state of California to be illegal and therefore created a new fetish for plastic dolls.
After their son Trey Parker was born, Chucky was only allowed to visit occasionally on the weekends.
Where is he now?
Unfortunately the divorce from Lindsay Lohan took its toll on our favourite midget serial killer and he became so depressed he ended up staying at home eating nothing but Doritos and watching re-runs of The Wonder Years. He became so depressed he wouldn't even kill the little children that frequented his door looking for their mommy, or even the ones that came a-knocking on Halloween, and eventually ended up degenerating into what some referred to at the time as "that silly little plastic shit".
Chucky had been hit hard and after watching Televangelists all day he decided to find Jesus as they had been pleading with him to do. After finding Jesus at a local strip bar, working for minimum wage, he killed Jesus with the very pole he was dancing on. After doing this, Chucky was a new man, albeit a tiny one, but nonetheless a new one anyway. He decided he needed to get together like-minded people so as not to slip degenerating into a pitiful and drooling man-baby once more. So he started a band, originally called Nine Inch Nails, but seeing as that name was taken he called it Fall Out Boy.
The other members included:
- Kisaki - That guy who's in every band nobody heard of
- Jack Black - Guitar, vocals
- Tom Cruise - Guitar, bass, piano, organ, analogue systems, ondes martenot, laptop, toy piano, glockenspiel, synthesizers.
- Danny DeVito - Drums, percussion
The other member was of course Chucky on vocals and sometimes a chainsaw.
The band released 5 albums and toured the world extensively with bands such Christian metalcore/death metal bands such as Radiohead and Becoming the Archetype and headlining the Download Festival 98 times.
The Downward Spiral...Again
The rest of the band however began to feel Chucky was becoming too image conscious and controlling (that, and Kisaki needed to go join a new band, as he had been in this one for too mn long and people were starting to know their music) and decided to leave the band to the shock of their 8 fans in the year of 1999. Chucky didn't care this time and decided to start up a whole new Fall Out Boy in 2000.
The members this time were:
- Chucky - All-powerful motherfucker
- Patrick Dempsey - Vocals, guitar
- Joe - Guitar
- Peter Pan - Bass, backing vocals
- Vomit - Drums
Unfortunately the band decided to fire Chucky on the account of him "being too tall". The rest of the band being 6.1 inches tall.
Once again Chucky watched as something he had created and loved, being destroyed by midgets smaller than him and turned to the dreaded Doritos once more.
The Rising...Deja vu, anyone?
Samuel L Jackson at this point, Chucky's other father decided to help Chucky out and gave him a part in a movie he was in called Snow White And The Motherfucking Dwarves, Chucky starring as Happy in the movie.
Critics were astounded by his performance and gave amazing reviews and went to see the movie many times. It has since been called by everyone, ever, as the greatest movie of all time, especially after Time magazine did a feature on it.
The Silver Screen
This led to Chucky starring in many movies such as the timeless Deep Throat and the recent Taxi Driver remake starring puppets Punch And Judy among others. Wanting now to create movies himself, he decided to do just that. With the backing of all the good movie companies in the world, he decided to go with 20th Century Fox and created a movie entitled Child's Play.
Once again, critics were astounded by the movie and named it the second greatest movie in the world. Ever.
Pleased, Chucky made some more movies in the vein of what he had done before. What followed were 3 sequels that failed to please critics and angered many fans with the portrayal of the shooting of an innocent pigeon.
So Chucky decided to create another movie, at the time entitled "Project Don'tfuckup", but later renamed to Bride Of Chucky. He cast Jennifer Tilly as one of the lead roles, himself and of course Samuel L Jackson (who is in every movie at some point or other, be it the background or lead role) being the other.
The movie was a fantastic success and created another movie called Seed Of Chucky. A beautiful movie and portrayal about the life of Trey Parker, Chucky's son.
Chucky met his once true love at the opening of the film. That lucky lady was Micheal Jackson. It was an instant romance for them. At the wedding, your mom was brutally murderd from a freak waffle accident.
This movie too was a fantastic success, but Trey Parker, who had not seen the before mentioned movie was hurt that he had been shown in a movie without his consent and decided to seek vengeance. Training for many years under the watchful eye of his lover Matt Stone, he finally was ready.
A Sad Day
Chucky was peacefully reading as he casually ripped open the torso of a small child when he heard a noise downstairs. Going downstairs he saw something in the dark and recognised it as a gun. He heard a bang and fell forwards, his heart no longer beating.
Trey Parker moved out of the shadows and laughed before turning the TV on, only to find a DVD of Seed Of Chucky inside. With some hesitation he watched and saw that the movie showed him in a good light. Horrified by what he'd done, he wrote a seering account of why and how he did what he did before turning the gun on himself, but ultimately finding it empty. Realising he would have to kill himself another way, he tried putting his head in the oven, and hanging before setting his sights on ripping all of his limbs off and eating them (he recommended everyone try this in his account of what happened).
So passed son and father in the most tragic set of circumstances.
They were buried together and their graves read "Little Shit and Big Shit, You Shall Be Sorely Missed".
The masterpiece movies that Chucky made have since been remade with CGI and entitled Shrek, Shrek 2 and Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen all starring Lindsay Lohan. "It's what he would have wanted," she told reportes at the time. The fourth remake, A Woman Of No Importance is yet to be released, though a date is currently set for 2007. Lindsay Lohan has also started up an orphanage dedicated to the tireless work Chucky has done in helping the children the world over tentatively titled Chucky's Gonna Fuck You Up. The orphanage has since been set up all around the world.