Lou Dobbs
“He's never called for the deportation of 19th century Irish homosexuals, so he's A-OK by me.”
“We are not living in a democracy, we are living in a Mexicanocracy!”
Louis Carl "Lou" Dobbs (September 24, 1945-June 6, 2006) was a former Nazi Party member who had his own cooking show on CNN. His show appealed only to those over the age of sixty. Anyone younger than 20 watching the show could face side effects such as forehead wrinkling, whitening of hair, blatant racism, impotence, and becoming socially conservative. Mr. Dobbs was involved in the incident of April 20, 2002, in which Mr. Dobbs, Bill O'Reilly, and the ghost of Brian Kilmeade (died tragically at age five in a accident involving a moose, a "snowmachine" and the evil demon that now possesses Newt Gingrich, commonly referred to as Chernabog) were all caught in Mel Gibson's basement brutally making love to a sexdoll made to look like Adolf Hitler. Few people knew that Mr. Dobbs was actually a spy for Fox News who tried to make CNN just as biased as its counterpart. He currently is having a love affair with the U.S.A. He also tried to seduce Dana Bash.
Background and family life[edit | edit source]
Louis Fernando Alexi Dobbs is the result of a forced sexual encounter between Ronald Reagan and "BoBo the chimpette" in a movie studio at Warner Brothers. Reagan sent BoBo to Mexico to get an abortion, but the abortion was botched and nine months later Dobbs was born. Not wanting such an ugly baby in their country the Mexican government traded Dobbs to Joseph Stalin for a crate of vodka. Dobbs spent most of his early life as Stalin's boy servant. The reason that Lou was so concerned with border security is that he himself was an illegal immigrant from the former Soviet Union. He tries to mask his identity with blatant xenophobia. Every night when his show starts, he might as well use the lingo-"Good evenin' everybody, I got diarrhea again." Louie also had several cronies egging him along, such as the brainwashed Leza Sylvester, Casey 'Crybaby' Waayann, and a person? named Bill Fuucker.
Career[edit | edit source]
Lou Dobbs is an asshole to both the left and the right, and came up with a reason why Islamic Terrorists hate us called Why?:They Hate Us? on his CNN program and talk radio show. Obviously showing his anti-immigrant bias and racism and hated of US foreign policy.
Lou was murdered by an illegal immigrant who worked on his show as a cameraman. His wife immediately remarried to the ghost of Joseph McCarthy, to the utter dismay of the slighty less crazy right-wing nutjobs. (i.e, Freddy Krueger)
Political views[edit | edit source]
Lou Dobb's Border Security Plan for America[edit | edit source]
- Giant force field over continental United States.
- All citizens of Mexican descent deported.
- All terrorists killed.
- Kathy Griffin allowed to confiscate all Sierra Mists at airport security checkpoints.
- Dubai destroyed.
- Each port container checked 15 times.
- FEMA control given to stormtroopers.
- Mandatory public strip searches for all people under age 50.
- Racial undertones under the guise of national security.
- Racial ringtones should you own one of those cellphone things.
- Love your neighbor as yourself.
- Skewed surveys taken by old farts.
- All Americans, including children, both sexes, to be totally naked at all times.
- Be anti-Bush enough that even some liberals agree with him.
- Renaming the United States "Lou Dobbs' America featuring Myron Kandel."
- Barricading the Mexican-American border with his own colossal head.
Other views[edit | edit source]
