The Da Vinci Code

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
This is an article about The DaVinci Code. If that's not sufficiently confusing, see Da Vinci Code (ambiguation).
Part of a series of articles on
I am the Good Shepherd...

The Apostles
Heaven and/or Hell
Great Schism
The Crusades

The Trinity
The Father
The Son (Jesus Christ)
The Holy Spirit

The Bible
Old Testament
New Testament
Ten Commandments

Christian theology
Fall of Man · Grace
Salvation · Justification
Christian worship
Mortal sin

Christian Church
Roman Catholicism
The Pope
The Retired Pope
Eastern Orthodoxy
Christian erudition
Christian denominations
Christian movements
Christian ecumenism
Christian scholastica
Christian discourses

Important Figures
Apostle Paul
Augustine · Aquinas
Wycliffe · Luther
Calvin · Trammell
· Carver · Lucifer

The DaVinci Code has been researched for generations by Biblical Scholars and the holy mullet of Tom Hanks after Leonardo Da Vinci wrote the New Testament, declaring, "I have found the secret to resurrection. I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, which this margin is too narrow to contain."

The Code remained a mystery until 1987, when the code was finally deciphered by Gotham City district attorney Harvey Kent (Two-face), in an effort to bring charges against the da Vinci family. Many experts claim that deciphering the code, which took 7 years and 3 hours, is the straw that split the face in two, driving Harvey insane.

The New Testament was entered into a computer and a few random buttons were pushed. The Code read as follows:

"tceleS B hsuP".

The meaning of the Code was not immediately apparent, until Theologians, playing Contra with the intention of solving the Theory of Everything or TOE, used the Code, thereby gaining 30 lives.

It is however currently being assumed that the code reveals the location of the other three turtles. This has not been proven yet but research is currently underway.

A variation of the code was found that allowed TWO players to get 30 lives. Soon, it was discovered that there were many games for which the DaVinci Code worked.

Baffled archaeologists and pharmacists often confuse DaVinci Code with The Konami Code, which is a book by Dan Brown or The Nuremberg Code by Dr. Josef Mengele. Oddly enough, 57% of them explode, littering their surroundings with detritus and gore. The Roman Catholic Church had banned competing Codes on pain of death, until 1915, when Monsignieur Francis Bacon stumbled on a manufacturing process which rendered Catholics unexplodable.

In an effort to gain a foothold on a highly competitive market, Microsoft's Xbox game developer Gerald Ford released the Da Halo Code, a multi-player game which establishes that Mary Magdelene was in fact Jesus' wife.

Computing[edit | edit source]


The DaVinci Code is a low-level computer language consisting only of the numbers zero and DaVinci. It is widely now out of date, replaced by base two counting system, but was used primarily for graphics computer applications such as early versions of Photoshop. The DaVinci was eventually substituted with the digit 1 as a result of the Binary wars between the years 1000 and 1111. Because this substitution was originally overseen by Jesus, it is regarded by many as conclusive proof that: Dan Brown = TRUE. However this = bollocks.

Spinoffs[edit | edit source]

Priory of Sion[edit | edit source]

The Priory of Sion was created in early 2005 by Dan Brown to fuel the fictitious claims in his novel, The Da Vinci Code. Due to the numerous lies and false allegations in The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown thought it would be a good idea to back up at least one claim in the book. Since the country of France did not exist the result was a fake setting which is a bad idea for any book, except for possibly Lord of the Rings.Which was actually set in New Zealand which is weird because penguins can't fly.

Dan Brown in his novel The Da Vinci Code created a fake lineage of famous queers as the leaders of his so called secret society. One famous leader being the famed artist Leonardo Da Vinci who, by nature, farted a lot, and was believed to be an bit agnostic in orientation but to all enlightened ones who have followed the secret path of Illuminati know that Da Vinci was outright gay. Another famous leader in the WWII years was Adolf Hitler, leader of the German Nazi Party, and most definitely gay. During Hitler's reign all Jews, known as the cornerstone of the organisation, where removed from membership. If this truly happened, the organisation would have collapsed because it is generally acknowledged that no secret organisation can work without the minds and administrative prowess of Jews. As such, contemporary historians are sure that the Priory of Sion never existed prior to Dan Brown's fabrication.

Famous quotes[edit | edit source]

  • The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.
  • I'm gonna grow myself a giant afro (incredible)- quoted in the song Gone in The morning
  • Wait... God's, not real?
  • Oh phew, the Mona Lisa was getting a bit boring
  • World Famous Student Jesus Boots opened her mouth and arched its eyebrow. "Hold on, I'm a bio major and I've never seen this Divine Proportion in nature." The eyebrows became more and more arched blatantly.

See also[edit | edit source]