Humpty Dumpty
Humpty Dumpty is the only known offspring of Mother Goose, the giant anthropomorphized Goose Scribe of the late to early 1600s.
In the Year of Our Lord (not Jesus Christ, Lord Sixteenhundredandthree Aydee), Humpty Dumpty was "born". After a one-night stand with a travelling Cassowary Salesman, Mother Goose (who was then just known as "Goose") gave "birth" to Humpty Dumpty the very next morning.
Humpty Dumpty is also a character in a Mother Goose rhyme. Most English-speaking children are familiar with the rhyme: "Chess and cheesecake, deviant pie – build me a fnord-like yak, but don't lace it with asbestos, 'cause I'm hoping to rent it out as a summer-house". Many people suspect that this cryptic rhyme may not be about Humpty Dumpty at all, but these people are idiots.
At the tender age of 9,908, Humpty Dumpty fell off a wall. Almost immediately after this, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. It is a commonly held theory that all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again - but most scholars agree that they simply WOULDN'T put Humpty together again, because Humpty was a cunt (though one eye-witness claims one horse tried his best, but only made matters worse).
There is some speculation that Humpty Dumpty was created to enhance Oprah's already phenomenal powers of mind-control and chronokinesis. This theory is supported by the fact that directly after the incident, Oprah was seen scooping up and devouring Humpty's freshly-spilt yolk. Some argue that Oprah did this out of self-preservation, having read a prophecy that she would one day be slain by a Platypus Warrior, the presumed would-be off-spring of Humpty. Perhaps the answer lies somewhere in the middle.
Daunted by the incredible pain of the fall (and his miscarriage), Humpty underwent intense reconstructive surgery. He soon grew an addiction to prescription pain-killers, but thankfully managed to ween himself off the pills by substituting them with alcohol and heroin.
Humpty Dumpty is currently living with his partner of 7 years, Kevin Costner, and is working on his first book - an autobiography titled "Cracking Up".
Humpty's life[edit | edit source]
After being born, it was immediately obvious that Humpty was no ordinary egg. One reason for this is that when he hatched, instead of hatching into a cute furry animal, he hatched into an egg that was larger than the egg which contained the egg larger than the egg that contained it. Yes, the tabloids were confused too. After hatching, he raided his mum's fag cupboard and had a quick smoke.
At the tender age of 9,905, Humpty set up his own company: 'Eggs & Co.' The company's headquarters didn't actually do anything, it just existed. It didn't even have a door or any windows.
After inexplicably turning a huge profit, Eggs & Co closed down for unknown reasons, leaving Humpty bored and looking for his next venture. 3 years later he agreed to appear in the film adaptation of Alice in Wonderland - whether it was the first, the second, or the forty-thousandth adaptation remains unknown, but it was certainly one of them. In the film he is credited as 'Egg Sitting on Wall'.
"This was the part I was born to play"
-Humpty commenting on his brief appearance
On his first day of filming, Humpty Dumpty had the feeling he was being followed, only to discover Oprah had been stalking him for the last 3 days. After confronting Oprah, he took his place on the wall and the cameras started rolling. He uttered his first few lines, then something tragic happened - Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall. Emergency services were called, who attempted to put him back together again, all the king's horses and all the king's men arrived as fast as they could, but couldn't reassemble Humpty. In the immediate aftermath, Oprah was seen licking up Humpty's yolk. Humpty, despite his predicament, managed to kick her in the face for trying to eat his yolk.
Humpty's sexual life[edit | edit source]
Humpty's sex life was limited, what with him being an egg and all, but in his tragically short life, he did manage to have affairs with many glamorous dairy products, including clotted cream and Beyoncé. A District Judge reviewing his antics described him as ‘wild’ and ‘lubricated.’
He was also known to achieve sexual pleasure by rolling around in a cave fighting Bob Dylan and Courtney Love.
Humpty now[edit | edit source]
He's dead now. Durr.
Unless you’re the person who wrote the first part of the article with no headings, and you don't believe that he is.
Did Humpty Jump?[edit | edit source]
After Humpty’s tragic death, the king’s men cleared out his home and discovered a collection of research notes and portraits of a figure now believed to be his ancestor—Eggsy Von Hitler, Purist of Egg-Whites. A self-proclaimed culinary perfectionist, Eggsy was notorious for his obsession with separating yolks from whites, believing only the latter were worthy of consumption. Humpty, fascinated by his ancestor’s rigid ideals, had spent years researching his work. Some speculate that Humpty deliberately cast himself from the wall in a fanatical bid to purge the whites from his yolk.
Is Humpty under witness protection?[edit | edit source]
Some suspect Humpty is alive and well, residing somewhere in Virginia or South Carolina under the alias Hubert Fontroy Dumpty III, allegedly running a clothing franchise catering to the overweight. While a handful of individuals claim Hubert is Humpty in disguise, no one has been brave enough to tug at his thick moustache or tap the glasses to check - so I guess we'll never know.
Humpty's afterlife[edit | edit source]
What Humpty did in the afterlife is a widely discussed topic, but everyone, deep down, knows the truth. They just don't want to admit that they were wrong. Ha. Contrary to popular belief, Humpty didn't go to heaven or hell. In fact, he got stuck in between and started cooking nicely.
As a ghost, he haunted Oprah, helped Osama bin Laden conquer Kazakhstan, and was the co-founder of Baskin & Robbins.
Some say that they have spotted Humpty at night, wondering around forlornly in various car parks across the United States, but this cannot be verified.
Some idiots like <insert name here> think that Humpty is still alive, and currently working on an autobiography. This is complete and utter bullshit. He's dead, face it! Man, you're in denial. Everyone has watched the book and read the film, and they saw him being pushed and shattering into millions (If not thousands) of pieces. It's obvious he's dead.
Pink Floyd Incident[edit | edit source]
Roger Waters was inspired to create one of Pink Floyd's most seminal albums during a 1977 concert tour for "Animals". In Montreal, a fan's disruptive behavior resulted in Waters spitting in the fan's face. After the show, Waters was informed that the fan in question was indeed Humpty Dumpty. Not content with just spitting in Dumpty's face, Waters swore that he would dedicate a whole album to criticising Dumpty. And so, being well aware of Dumpty's fear and hatred of walls, Waters composed and released "The Final Cut".
The Conspiracy Of Humpty[edit | edit source]
It is believed by many that Humpty did in fact lead a completely distinct life to that of the above. This was due to the compassionate speech given by King Egg, of Humpty's “death” town.
The theory goes that Humpty was indeed the biological son of Mother Goose, but did however, have a different father to that of his siblings.
It's believed by some that Humpty was depressed from birth, with farmers referring to him as a "bad egg". As a child he went through a series of trauma councillors - the image of being pushed out of a duck’s arse proving too discouraging for Humpty - and he found himself bottling up a lot of anger. Watching his brothers and sisters hatch into ugly ducklings only added to Humpty's misery and he became a very distressed egg.
As he grew older, he moved away from his family into a town nearby. He could no longer bear the pain of his family being able to take a swim down the river in the heat, whilst he bobbed along behind. In this town he found a young female. Her name was Mary and he immediately fell in love with her. She was constantly the talk of the town.
“Mary, Mary, Quite contrary, how does your garden grow?” “Mary had a little lamb”
However, it came to Humpty's attention that not only was Mary the talk of the town, but also the town bicycle. She had recently been with the likes of Little Bo Peep (who wasn't so little), Jack Be Nimble (who was incredibly quick) and Yankee Doodle (who quite obviously didn't only ride ponies). Humpty told only one person about his new found love - Georgie Porgie - but he couldn't have made a shoddier choice: Georgie Porgie was the town bully. He merely replied with a witty rhyme that was initially about himself.
“Humpty Dumpty, pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry; when the boys came out to play, he kissed them too, coz he was a gay faggot”
Humpty COULD NOT take this abuse. He had to move once again and turned to alcohol. He was once spitefully asked if he found Egg-Nog appetising, to which he replied with “Fuck off you stinking cunt”. Humpty really WAS a “Bad Egg”.
He then got into a domestically violent relationship. With who, I hear you cry? It is unknown, although there were rumours that it could have been the Big Bad Wolf. This is what is believed to have pushed Humpty over the edge. He was too fragile for the abuse.
After being told by his lover to “clamber back into the duck’s arse from whence you came”, Humpty was at the lowest point of his life. He climbed onto the wall and thought about his life. He thought about the constant trail of abuse and hatred that everybody seemed to feel for him and he realised there was nothing left for him, but death. He jumped and had a great fall.
He was still very much alive when all the king's horses and all the king's men arrived, but there was nothing they could do. A nearby witness heard Humpty shout “Call the fucking ambulance!” but it was no use. It was clear the King wanted to be the only egg in the village.
There is a massive controversy to that of Humpty Dumpty's death. Some people believe he is currently living in Holland with the likes of Tupac and Elvis Presley, but wherever he is, it is agreed that no amount of plastic surgery will bring Humpty back to the Egg he once was.
The whole incident was staged. If you translate the original text from Sanskrit, it says "Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. The build of the wall was incorrect, so he got ten grand from Claims Direct."