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“This cake is not actually made of cheese.”

~ Captain Obvious on Cheesecake

“Good, because I'm lactose intolerant.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the above statement
This cheesecake is not really there; please refrain from licking your screen in an attempt to extract the Glorious Deliciousness.

Cheesecake is a large family of sweet, cheese-based tarts.[I don't agree][1] That is to say, it's not really a cake at all, in the same manner as carrot cake is not a cake at all. A cake, by definition, includes no vegetables. Cheesecakes are generally made with soft, fresh cheeses.[?][2] Other ingredients such as sugar[citation needed], spice, everything nice, flowers, and alcoholic beverages[3] are often[4] mixed in as well.[???][5]

The cheesecake was the first species in the universe. They created the stars, stardust, all the elements, and life itself. Cheesecake originated from the almighty cheddar empire. The leader announced that on 31/05/2189 they would return from the heavens, and bring gifts to all good boys and girls, preferably laptops and rabbits. The cheddar empire is not to be confused with the chuckle union.

Production Of Cheesecake[edit | edit source]

Norwadays cheesecake is made using a process known as the large sieve method, pioneered by Rupert Murdoch in 1571. HIs recipe called for about one gram of marijuana, 2 ounces of semen, an expensive treat in those days, so only the Colombians and the kings could eat it. Pastry, cheese, cheese, cheese, pastry and cheese are placed in a sieve, and country music is played and great volume. This has the curdling effect of separating the raw ectoplasm in the sieve into solid and liquid parts. The solid part, known as block, is moulded, pressed and baked into cheesecake. The liquid part, known as Coca-Cola, runs off and is fed to German mathematicians as a cheap coffee substitute.

In ancient times, a similar process was carried out by hand. Since pastry is carcinogenic (AS WELL AS ORGASMIC!!!), in keeping with the phenomenon of everything causing cancer, this caused many cheesecake workers to die of ear cancer. The incumbent King, George V, managed to figure out the connection and banned cheesecake. It is still banned, but only in the same way the works of Kafka are banned.

King George V eventually turned into a cheesecake, which served him right.

CHEESECAKE can be a colour of yellow, but it can also be yellow in color, too. But not all, so beware, it can also turn out to be piss on a cake. In late 1697, the people in the 21st century used CHEESECAKE as a form of a cushioning for landing, due to the sponginess of the cake. But the incident of Hanson McBean had stopped this experiment. As he had sunk down into the cheesecake, when he attempted suicide. Unfortunately, he did not die as he planned, (jumping off a tall building and splatting on the ground far beneath), but he died from the cheesecake which was under when he landed. Handson McBean's lungs filled up with the edible-unrine covered cheesecake. The only person able to help was a man called Sir John Cumming. But unfortunately, he was busy getting high with Snoop Dogg.

Why should I eat cheesecake?[edit | edit source]

I'm glad you asked, Billy, or whatever the fuck your name is. There are many very interesting reasons why cheesecake stands out from all the cheeses and cakes,[this is a lie] to become champion of tummies everywhere. For one, it's not just a cheese, or a cake,[also a lie] for that matter: it's both AT THE SAME TIME.[WTF? This article contradicts itself!] I'll give you a moment to let that sink in. [mmmmm.. cheesecake] Yes, by themselves, these foods are seizure-inducingly delicious[wrong] but when combined, they form an unstoppable moving wall of incredibleness.[?????I don't even know?????] Walls don't normally move, but this one does, because it's made of cheesecake.[Oh, forget it's all lies] In fact, cheesecake is one of the most damn well delicious desserts known to man. In the 1800s, it was eaten by Kings, but you may know some famous people who have indulged on this amazing dessert such as Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Spock from Star Trek. In fact, YOU SHOULD GO BUY SOME CHEESECAKE RIGHT NOW. DO IT! aliens plan on coming to steal our cheesecake in the future unless we eat it all before they get here! hurryyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Complications[edit | edit source]

Cheese cake has been blamed for many of the deaths in St. Dominics, Roswell Maine. It substantially increased the bloodflow to his nether regions. Many kids have caught on to cheese cake as a way to achieve a state of "highness", or "Cheesing."[WTF?] In rare extreme cases, cheese oozes from the extremities, causing a full-body orgasmic experience.[That doesn't even make sense] The Be a Better Cheese Wizz Foundation (BBCWF) hopes this information will prevent necrophilia, bestiality and homosexuality.[Just read something else]

The following template does not belong here[edit | edit source]

This is not cheesecake.
What is this? This article's subject is not cheesecake. You can help Uncyclopedia by making this article about cheesecake.

Notes[edit | edit source]

  1. This reference doesn't exist.
  2. Nor this one
  3. Nor this one
  4. Nor this one
  5. Nor this one

See also[edit | edit source]