Spock
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This article is written in the past tense, despite describing a time period that is (currently) in the future. It is therefore likely that it was written by a time-traveler, a liar, or a madman. |
“SPOCK!”
“I want him to use the Vulcan neck pinch on me! But it's not my neck that I want pinched. It's this big boil on my neck that is called my head.”
“You pointy-eared jackass, I'll show you what logic is REALLY about!”
Spock Edith Van Houllsehoseer was a Vulcan/Turkish ambassador to Kenya, chief Awesomeness officer, and Lieutenant-Commander-Major-Colonel aboard the Intergalactic Submarine, U.S.S. Enterprise. He works part time as a hotdog vendor in Paris, France. Spock, sometimes referred to as "Mr. Spock", was Captain Kirk's personal assistant. Well-known for his impeccable logic, his keen fashion sense, and his well-aimed volleys of farting and excrement in the general direction of the Prime Directive; Spock was notorious for being unable to show emotions, as required from the citizens of his home planet. His father, Sarek, was the ambassador of the dickey planet Vulcan. It is known that Spock was born on the planet 99942 Apophis during solar period 912.
Spock wasn't really a pure-blooded Vulcan but he was desperate to have people think he was. His mother was a beautiful Burmese beauty with a 13-inch neck, and his grandfather was a rich, unattractive senator from South Dakota. Remarkably, Spock was able to show emotions in some situations. But, for example, if Captain Kirk tried again to rape him, Spock got really angry and brutal. And if he accidentally killed a kitten whilst huffing it he would LOL for ten or so days. (He finds the massacre of millions of kittens hilarious.)
Working for Starfleet[edit | edit source]
When Spock was assigned to Captain James T. Kirk he found himself in a career that he knew he would come to appreciate, enjoy, and honor as they searched for strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilizations. Nothing at all like what Earth was like. Starfleet was possible despite the fact that seeking out strange new worlds was alien to them and most of the population of the planet were slaves and liberty was just an illusion. But Spock didn't care; it wasn't his planet, and so, whatever.
There were many missions he was involved in, and most of them were carried out by the crew of the starship Enterprise and the captain. Whenever there were women on deserted planets that needed rescuing, Kirk was there to size up the situation, and decide whether or not to rescue them. Usually, as luck would have it, the entities would appear as pretty ladies only to turn into some ghastly swamp thing that was best left alone. Except for the Green Lady. She was okay and entered into the Captain's Log as someone who might need rescuing at some point in the future. (For the record, she was just trying to shed her skin and the crew wasn't too keen on hanging around to monitor that.)
Spock was also trained in self-defense and combat, and wherever war was to be avoided he was an excellent ambassador representing Starfleet. However, his training for combat was far more called upon than trying to talk to aliens who didn't speak English. Many of the worlds were very much like Earth. Except they didn't smell like Earth. He found himself in numerous situations that would have been impossible to escape had it not been for keeping calm, cool, and collective. A Borg kind of collective but without implanting humans with alien hardware. For Spock these missions just needed logic, Kirk's style and swagger, and Scotty's ability to beam everyone up just in time. Spock enjoyed many missions and side quests. And his hair was never out of place. He was living the life. In secret he would do victory dances. Sing praises. And hack into the Captain's Log.
Romantic interests[edit | edit source]
There are many theories about Mr. Spock's sex life. Some say he shags Uhura every seven years, but Spock actually wishes her and her immense power dead. He is occasionally in a civil partnership with a certain federation captain known for unnecessary pauses while talking. Spock and Kirk were first introduced at Darth Vader's sweet sixteen party; it was lust at first sight. Of course, Mr. Spock never admitted it because Vulcans believe that an emotional Vulcan looks like a pussy.
Death[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, one of the missions of the Enterprise went wrong, and when Spock went to address the situation he was killed by the infamous Khan. Of course, everybody was really upset because they had lost their best crew member. Eventually they beamed his body out to a distant planet, as specified in his living will and testament.
Three hundred years later Spock was found alive, crawling around and wearing only a loin cloth. He now resides in Narnia with his partner Aslan and their fourteen children. See? It's a happy ending.
See also[edit | edit source]
