Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

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~ Everyone on Deep Space 9
The series production team attempts to out-do the Enterprise. Not shown: Success.

Star Trek: Deep Sleep Nine was a Star Trek spinoff that ran for two and then five seasons on Fox TV. The series concentrated mainly on character development and complex story arcs that involved war, money, religious hokum, war, xenophobia, a hostile puddle of orange goo and war. It is thought (by who?) that Deep Space Nine paved the way for the kind of serialized storytelling that is so fucking annoying these days. The structure of the later seasons was such that if fans missed a single episode, the universe itself would tear at the waistband and exhibit its flabby backside for the world to see.

More sinister than that, Deep Space Nine has recently been discovered to be a key part of a plot to "get the people into space." Network executives have confirmed that the character of Benjamin Sisko was meant to inspire black people to leave behind their miserable lives on Earth and go in search of opportunity elsewhere in the universe.

Setting[edit | edit source]

As the station was located in deep space, Federation officials creatively renamed it "Deep Space Nine," which they vastly preferred to the station's former name, Harlem.

A frequently featured location on the series was the Promenade, a hotbed of prostitution and the trafficking of drugs known as "jumja sticks." Sisko made numerous attempts to crack down on the crime wave on the station, but was routinely greeted with resounding cries of "Down with the HECKING Federals!"

Main Cast[edit | edit source]

Worf reveals a disturbing fact about Sisko.
  • Mel Brooks as Benjamin Sisko, commander and later captain. Upon achieving the rank of captain, Sisko shaved his head, proving once and for all that all successful Starfleet captains are bald. Sisko was the emissary to a bunch of gods he did not believe in, and later became one for no reason. His wife was killed in Hurricane Borg, which was totally Picard's fault, you guys.
  • Nana Mouskouri as Almost Ensign Ro, But Not Quite, Bajoran liaison officer Kira Nerys-or was it Nerys Kira? WGAF. A bigot, religious zealot, and all-around uncooperative person, Almost Ensign Ro was nonetheless well-liked by her fellow officers.
  • Perry Farrell as Jadzia Dax, science officer. Jadzia was infested with a hideous internal parasite which led her to hallucinate a series of past lifetimes, which is brought up all the time, like she has no other hobbies or something. She died at the end of season six as the result of a plot device which is never explained.
  • Gordon Kaye as Odo (aka "Unknown Sample"), security chief. Simultaneously hard-boiled and runny. Rarely uses his shapeshifting abilities due to the expensive FX involved. Was last seen in a bunker after loosing a futuristic version of WW2.
  • Sid Little as whiny English doctor Julian Bashir, now with genetic enhancements! Was tasked with being simultaneously annoying and endearing at all times. No exceptions.
  • Michael Knight as Worf, "strategic operations officer" or some other make up bullshit. Job description extremely unclear, a possible economic refugee. Worf is completely humorless, generally unpleasant, and the most popular character on the show.
Commander Sisqo.
  • Colin Mochrie as that guy you recognize from the other show so maybe you'll take a chance on this one. The Irish Great Grandson of Scotty. Once every season, he suffers. Badly. Commander Cowen Chief O'Brien was killed when a scientist trapped him on a planet and nuked him (if you don't get the referance, then you can just burn in the fires of eternal damnation, HALLOWED ARE THE ORI!!!!)
  • M. Knight Shyalaman as Quark, the Nox Ferengi bartender. Only cares about money and profit, except for in all the episodes where he has a change of heart.
  • Candy Robinson as enigmatic Kardashian gardener Elim Garak. Exiled for not conforming to his people's fashion standards, his background and motivations are a complete mystery to the crew, even after they are unambiguously revealed in later seasons. Appears when complicated spy business and forced witticism are needed. Only two fears are his dad (the elusive former spymaster known only as "Raisin Bran"), and enclosed spaces, which are addressed simultaneously in that two-parter where Bashir forgets to update his uniform and everyone laughs at him.
  • Max Power as Rom. A hopeless businessman and attempted murderer until he finds his true calling as an night-time toilet engineer and pacifist sweetheart. Somehow marries one of Quark's Dabo girls.
  • Cirroc Lofton as Jake Sisko. Doubled in height over the series' span, has no other characteristics.
  • Dr. Porter Nicole De Boer as Replacement Hottie Dax. Because she suffered from the same parasitic infestation as the previous Dax, somehow convinced everyone to allowed her to serve a vital function on the bridge of a warship despite her only qualifications were that she was a part-time camp counselor.
  • Aron EggNog as Nog. Somehow got into Starfleet faster than Wesley Crusher even though he couldn't read until he was 18 years old. Got his leg blown off because he didn't look where he was going, but had it replaced by a 1960's Las Vegas lounge singer.
  • Salami Jens as the the bad female Odo. Because the Borg Queen was already booked.
  • Kukalaka as Himself.
  • Mark Alan Shepard as Morn, that fat dude who's in the background of practically every episode. His schtick is that he never shuts up. He is awesome, even though the performer who plays him can't act.

Plot Overview[edit | edit source]

Sisko's now considered offensive "Angry Chinaman" Impression

Jadzia and Sisko discover the wormhole. Attempts are made to "boldly go where no one has before" in other people' galactic backyard, referred to as the "Gamma Quadrant". This leads to war. The Cardassians try to annex Federation territories. This leads to war. The Klingons enjoy fighting glorious battles. This also leads to war. The evil Dominion wants to take over. War. Everyone joins the war. Billions of people die. The war ends.

There was also a plot arc dealing with the serious subject of caffeine addiction. In one notable episode, entitled "Sisko Goes Cold Turkey," all the raktajino on the station is drunk by the Pah Wraiths. Sisko goes into deep withdrawal until replenishments can be provided by Starfleet Command.

On one occasion, Sisko finally did manage to successfully break his addiction to space-coffee, only to discover that Deep Space Nine was a figment of his own space-coffee-fuelled hallucinations, and he was a penniless writer living entirely on baked beans and punches to the face from passing policemen. Unable to cope with the realization that he was, in fact, a truly terrible writer, and the reason he was poor was because the best he could come up with was some half-assessed nonsense about a space-station (which was so appallingly badly-written and hackneyed that it caused any books it appeared in to be burnt with pure, cleansing fire), he retreated back into his space-coffee-hallucinations, never to venture back into the frightening world of reality again. Much like TV producers.

Interestingly enough, that whole realization episode was later ripped off by Joss Whedon and the raging band of homo misfits (aren't they all, though?) who we all lovingly refer to as the scooby gang (another rip-off). The episode was shockingly titled, "Buffy Goes Cold Turkey" (but to be fair, who really watches Buffy?). In the Final episode, the Dominion War ends, Sisko becomes an omnipotent being, and Worf reminisces about everything except his beloved dead wife.

Also, Bashir would occasionally strut around the station, get kidnapped, and/or get embroiled in conspiracies about oil and date prices. The show had to have some plot. Plot is found exclusively at medical conferences and on vacation planets.

The Deep Space Nine crew meet their doom in the final episode to the comet that is always in the opening credits.

The Writers[edit | edit source]

Tired of dealing with the writers' strikes that arose during previous Star Trek series, the network opted to kidnap a group of forty used car salesman from Kansas. These men were held in a bunker several hundred meters below the Earth's surface, where they were force-fed hallucinogenic mushrooms and whipped by a large man in tights, who hated his job but understood its importance. Under these harsh and rather extreme conditions, the writers produced episodes like "One Little Ship," in which the warship Defiant, along with its crew, shrinks and gets stuck in a pile of melted marshmellow. Rick Moranis guest-stars as Fleet Admiral Szalinski.

Writer Ron Moore would later go on to write the worst piece of 'critical fiction' that HBO ever lynched, Carnivale, which over 2 million idiots with a bend for thinking obsessively researched for the duration of it's run. After that, we lost track of him.

Typical Dialogue[edit | edit source]

Sisko: I don't really want to be the Emissary, it's awkward.
Almost Ensign Ro: Too bad, captain.
Sisko: Oh, well. Fine, I guess.
Almost Ensign Ro: So, do I have your permission to tear up while I look into your eyes.
Sisko: Make it so.
Irish Man: You're so arrogant, and my best friend.
English Man: I can't help it. I'm a young doctor who only got one question wrong, ever. But it haunts me so... Let's get drunk!
Irish Man: But my wife wants me at home. I think I hear her now.
English Man: Admit it, you like me more than you like your wife. Besides, isn't this one of those episodes were we refer to her as being just off screen, so we don't have to pay the actress to come in and stand around?
Odo: I'm watching you, Quark.
Quark: I'm trafficking stolen goods.
Odo: You should tread carefully.
Quark: I laced all the synthehol with arsenic. I have a lethal weapon hidden in my ear.
Odo: One day, I'll catch you and get you to confess.
Quark: I raped, killed and dismembered a dabo girl. 
Odo: I can't wait 'til that day. I'll throw you in a holding cell.
Quark: Privately, I am for some reason legitimately worried about that.
Bajoran religious leader: Whatever you do, it was stupid, and totally against the Prophets.
Sisko: The same Prophets who picked me as their Emissary to you bumpy-nosed people?
Bajoran religious leader: You think that just because the Prophets picked you, you're higher ranking than me?
Sisko: No, I'm in the main titles, that's why I rank higher than you. Plus I'm a Captain.
Bajoran religious leader: *hurumph*
Grady: I'm invisible! Woosh! (Past Tense, Part II)
Chief O'Brian: Moidered?! (Every episode where the Chief has plot driven dialogue)
Chief O'Brian (to offspring with Keiko "Free Willy" O'Brien):  You're Scotch-Korean!  You don't make a lick of sense!
Quark: Rom, you're an idiot! But I love you (*music plays*).

Place in the Star Trek canon[edit | edit source]

Everyone knows that Star Trek is a religion. As the younger brother of Star Trek: The Next Generation, what valuable lessons can DS9 teach the fanatical believer?

  • Thou shalt not sleep with a Trill or a shapeshifter, lest it break your heart. And don't sleep with a Klingon unless you *like* it broken.
  • Beware the fallen whose skin flakes away, for he is a leper and should be taken to a priest. Beware the fallen whose knees bend backwards, for he is a leper and should be taken to a priest. Beware the fallen whose belt melts under puss, for his name is Odo and should be kept in his bucket for the next 8 hours.
  • Even omnipotent beings can be autistic.
  • Q didn't like the space station as he only visited it once, his wearing a white pillow case with the eyes cut out didn't go down too well.
  • Morn is awesome.
  • The sexiest chick wears blue.
  • Bashir in his racquetball outfit brings all the boys to the yard.
  • Practically all of the lesbianism in the entire Star Trek universe occurs in this series.