Scotty off of Star Trek
“Beam me up, Scotty”
“Synthetic scotch, synthetic commanders...”
Scotty off of Star Trek is the patron saint of Engineers and Token Ethnic Comedy Actors. He is also an explorer, cunning warrior and inventor of Trans-Galactic Hyper Scotch an alcoholic drink so strong, it make the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster seem like water. Scotty of of Star Trek is also the brother of MacGyver, and was the first member of the MacGyver Clan to not be named MacGyver.
Early Career[edit | edit source]
During this stint in the military, Scotty off of Star Trek became known for fixing any problem with Ducttape, paperclips, and toilet paper. During off hours, he was also known for binge drinking Scottish whisky (When asked why only Scottish whisky, He replied "Because it's 'graet') and picking fights with the Irish.
In 1994 Scotty off of Star Trek was voted third sexiest male by the Illinois Women's Pornstar Volleyball Team. His immortal line "Ye cannae change the laws o' physics" was originally deemed too racy for the scientifically naive 1960s audience, and he was asked to replace it with the line "Ach, the cap'ns humpin' anither alien hoor". Instead, Scotty off of Star Trek positively bellowed "YE CANNAE CHANGE THE LAWS O' PHYSICS", and neither he nor his crew were ever invited back on The Ed Sullivan Show.
Scientific Breakthrough[edit | edit source]
Scotty off Star Trek's most brilliant move to date was officially recognised by the Scientific Guild of really cool stuff as "Being The First Man To Preserve Himself Inside A Transporter (Or Something) For Ages".
However, while he was applauded for his ingenuity at the time, shortly afterward the Guild released a long and rambling press statement in which it was explained that if any of them "thought about it REALLY hard" for anything more than "like, two minutes", it didn't make any sense. Asked to expand on this, the Guild explained that it was far too complicated and they couldn't remember, but there were definitely "loads of reasons".
After his transporter stunt, Scotty off Star Trek acquired an old Imperial Star Destroyer from his brother MacGyver, who designed Darth Vader's suit. Scotty off Star Trek turned this ship into the Claymore super gun, a weapon designed to turn planets into crack cocaine, using a Pocket knife, two bras, and Silent Bob's Coat.
Current Whereabouts[edit | edit source]
Scotty off Star Trek's whereabouts are unknown. It is theorized he is busy drinking, having sex with hot, loose women and picking fights with "Alien Pansies". There have been persistent rumors that Scotty off Star Trek is really some guy named James Doohan (March 3, 1920 — July 20, 2005), but nobody really believes this.
In late 2006 it was reported that Scotty may in fact be running for the position of First President of Scotland, First Lord Protector of The Americas and First High King of All Africa. His only competition is Kofi Annan who is running for High priest of the world.
In 2009, it was reported that Scotty off Star Trek had been voted president of Uruguay under the assumed name "José Mujica". But no one was fooled (apart from some journalists who bought some cock-and-bull story about him being a reformed left-wing guerrilla from the 1970s). It's Scotty from Star Trek. Look at him!
