Plain Old Elim Garak
Nominated Article
“A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, coated in moist papier-mâché.”
Why hello inspector. It is always a pleasure to meet a high ranking official from the Federation.
Are you Elim Garak?
At your service inspector. I was very curious why it is I have been asked to meet you. But let us first enjoy pleasantries. Do not let my sly grin and murderous stare alarm you – I am not a threat.
Inspector McGinley – Federation Chief Investigator. I'm here to ask you a few questions.
Oh it is a shame we must skip the polite greetings. Well Chief Federation Investigator, ask away, I have nothing to hide. I am merely plain, simple Garak, at your service.
In light of several crates of evidence, the Federation has the authority to question you. Regardless of how it may seem, all my questions are relevant to the case. First, what is your current profession?
I'm glad you asked. I am ... a tailor.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Tell me a little about your childhood Mr. Garak.
But of course. My childhood was pleasant, but dull. My mother was a teacher, my father a low-level engineer. Very little of note happened to me in my formative years, and I am relieved to say I was not blighted by tragedy or death. Except, of course, for Whiskers, my pet Sgnarl, who mysteriously hacked herself to pieces with an axe.
I see, and how did that happen?
I have no idea. Needless to say I was devastated.
Indeed. What about your school life, did anything out of the ordinary happen?
Again, a very pedestrian affair I'm afraid. I got average grades, made a few, but not too many, friends, and in my final year I took the beautiful Ani Mulcet to the annual festivities. She was later found in the woods, strangled by her own silk scarf. Very curious thing to happen.
And did you have anything to do with that?
I must admit that yes, I did. You see, it was I that made this scarf. A beautiful Andorian silk, laced with Bajoran crystals stitched with Ferengi silver worm thread. I can tell you officer, that scarf being used to in such a way was not just murder, but a crime against fashion.
So you have no idea who killed her?
No. Poor Ani, I still miss her deeply you know.
I'm sure you do.
Adulthood[edit | edit source]
So Mr. Garak, could you tell me a little about your first job?
Gladly. I worked for a time at the Cardassian Embassy on the Klingon home planet Chronos. Like many impetuous young boys I longed to see the Universe. Chronos is a beautiful planet you know, lovely people those Klingons, despite what you hear, and such exquisite marshes and swamps!
I see, and do you have a time frame for when you were on Chronos?
Let me think ... My employment began around the time of the assassination of Chancelor Morkah, and ended in the aftermath of The Great Bagtakh Massacre.
Interesting. Tell me, what did you do at the embassy?
I was a gardener.
A gardener?
Yes. I've always admired flowers, and the Klingon Thorned Blood Flower in particular ... Such a pretty flower, "delicate as a young maiden's neck", and it's colour, "a seething crimson red like the freshly spilled blood of an enemy". Do you like flowers, Officer?
Not particularly. We have a many more questions left Mr. Garak, if you'll just stay focused.
Forgive me, officer. I know my drab and eventless life is of little interest to you.
Is there any validity to the rumors that during this time you were an integral part of the Cardassian intelligence agency, better known as The Obsidian Order?
Hmm ... Obsidian Order you say? The phrase rings a bell.
We have documentary proof that you were on their records.
Ah, yes. I remember. I did work for the Order for a time, just a fleeting part of my life, you understand.
I take it you were a gardener for them too?
Oh Officer you have a dry sense of humour, I do enjoy a good joke. No, I was a filing clerk.
Right. Mr. Garak, please take a look at this, this is exhibit 151.
I'm looking.
This is the crew list for an Obsidian Order ship, the warship Rotarr. And do you see your name. What can you tell me about that?
Yes, I seem to remember spending some time on the Rotarr. What would you like to know?
Mr. Garak, that ship was responsible for killing over 10,000 innocent civilians during the Bajoran occupation.
Really? I was not aware of that.
You mean you never heard it in the news? None of your crew mates ever mentioned that to you?
No. I was only a file clerk, what went on upstairs was none of my business.
I see.
I mean, I never actually read any of the files, just ensured they were in Alphabetical order. I mean no offense, but the Cardassian alphabet is far more complex and sophisticated than any human one. Alphabetizing files is a long and tedious process. I was always known on that ship for my diligence and efficiency ... in everything.
So were you or were you not the son and protégé of the Order's head Enabran Tain?
Enabran who? I don't believe I've met the man.
Indeed.
Life on Deep Space 9[edit | edit source]
So for most of your life you lived on this space station, Deep Space 9. What was the reason for that exactly?
Well it was a nice place, a great spot to start my tailoring business. And ever since I was a boy I dreamed of living in space. You could confirm this with my parents if not for their mysterious disappearance.
Right. So you aren't on this station because you were exiled from Cardassia?
Ah you are observant, officer. Yes, I suppose that played a part in my moving to DS9, still my motivations were mostly entrepreneurial.
So you do have a criminal past, you admit that?
Regretfully so, but in my defense, I believe exile was rather an extreme punishment for littering. Still, I suppose that's why the Cardassian streets are so clean.
Hang on, you expect me to believe you were exiled for littering?
What you believe is up to you. However, in my defense, I was tired, there was no bin in sight and I certainly wasn't going to keep an apple peel in my pocket, not while wearing a Silk suit.
Mr. Garak, I must insist you tell me the truth.
Why Officer, everything I have told you is true. Even the lies.
Are you toying with me Mr. Garak?
Forgive me officer, merely a frivolous remark. Now let's get back to your questioning shall we. I do not want to keep you any longer than need be.
Tell me about your life on the station.
I'm afraid once again very little has happened.
What? Even during the height of the Dominion War? Is it not true you had multiple disputes with the disgraced war criminal Gul Dukat?
I think he might have come in to get some trousers re-hemmed once.
Relationships[edit | edit source]
We know that during your time on the Deep Space Nine you developed several key relationships with crewmembers, the most significant of which was with a Doctor Julian Bashir.
What is the question, Officer?
Were you aware at the time of your friendship that Julian Bashir was an illegal mutant?
I don't believe I said that the two of us were friends.
Mr. Garak, we have seen an extensive correspondence between Bashir and you since he left DS9.
Some other Garak perhaps?
Mr. Garak, is that the truth?
Why Officer, truth is in the eye of the beholder. I never pretend to tell the truth because I don't believe there is such a thing. That is why I prefer the simple straight-line simplicity of cutting cloth.
What about the death of Senator Vreenak?
Everyone dies inspector.
Did you or did you not assist Captain Sisko in the murder of Senator Vreenak?
Vreenak? Ah yes, I remember him. His ship exploded for no apparent reason moments after he left DS9. His death was the catalyst behind the Federation-Romulan alliance during the Dominion War, an alliance that led to the salvation of the entire quadrant if I am not wrong?
A very fortunate coincidence for you and Mr. Sisko, wouldn't you say?
A very fortunate coincidence for everyone, Officer.
Indeed.
Concluding the interview[edit | edit source]
So Officer, has your interest peaked? Has my humdrum little life amused you for a short while? Am I, as they say, free to go?
Well, Mr. Garak, there are too many unresolved queries for now. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you to Federation Headquarters on Earth for intensive questioning. I must caution you that you do not have to say anything ...
I don't think so Officer. You see, while we've been chatting here, I've been fidgeting with the remote I have hidden in my pocket, which, you may be interested to hear, controls my orbiting cloaked freighter, a ship called simply Buttercup. I have programmed the on-board computer to target DS9, and in ten seconds it will launch twelve photon torpedoes directly at the warp core and key areas of the rings, while simultaneously transporting me to safety.
You're joking.
I can assure you Officer, I am deadly serious.
There are thousands of innocent people on this station.
No one is innocent inspector.
Have you no sense of shame?
It is a shame I do not have time to collect things from my tailor shop. Pity – I had some platinum trimmed fabric I was hoping to make a cloak out of. And I also have all the keepsakes from my numerous family members who have mysteriously disappeared over the year. I would have liked to have said farewell to that troublesome yet surprisingly likeable Quark. Oh well.
I was right about you all along!
I only wish I could stay here to see the look your face as your soft, mortal form is crushed under the burning hull of this station.
... What ... what ... are you?
I told you, I'm plain, simple Garak. And now I must be off. Computer, execute program Mysterious Mishap.
