United Federation of Planets
“It is not logical to admit you to an organization that prizes a basic degree of cognition and morals. We would however admit your immediate female ancestor, as her circumference qualifies her as a planet.”
“It's odd really how in federation standard, the word for "diplomacy" is the same as the word for "phaser"”
“What a bunch of pansies.”
“We're the federation of planets! Open your docking bay and prepare to be boarded!”
- 1 Members of the Federation
- 2 History of the Federation
- 3 The Temporal Prime Directive
- 4 Points in Time of Importance
- 5 Possible future
- 6 Humanness in the Federation
Members of the Federation
History of the Federation
After fighting the disastrous World War VIII, scientist Deframe Cocksucker built the first warp-capable vessel, the Condom. He launched it in the year 2063. The warp-testing of this vessel would garner the attention of a Vulcan science ship operating just outside of the Sol System. Vulcans had not previously considered the Sol System or Earth worthy of their attention before this time, as long-range surveys of the planet had revealed the presence of the French, the Sci Fi Channel, Emo music, Myspace, and Wikipedia. However, the science ship lands on Earth (against the better judgement of the ship's tannoy operator, a committed soft-rock fan) and makes first-contact with Deframe Cocksucker and the inhabitants of Boozerman, Montana, United States. This contact would be the first time that Vulcans would be exposed to Steppenwolf, rednecks, and minimalist post-apocalyptic set design that's curiously low on hideous cancers from radioactive fallout. Later, the Vulcans would be turned into something akin to pets of the human-dominated United Federation of Planets, or, as they were known by the rest of the galaxy, 'space honkeys'. (Note that the UFP was actually developed by Woodrow Wilson)
More 22nd, 23rd, 24th centuries
In the year 2119, an aging Deframe Cocksucker opened the Warp 223 Complex on Earth, in the hope of building a vessel that would be the fastest human starship at the time, But being as stupid as he is, the plan failed because in no right mind can you invent a Ship that travels at WARP 223!!?? Eventually, Deframe's colleagues would refine failure to an art, resulting in the Vag Enterprise, a ship populated exclusively by bad actors, and later acknowledged as the first starship in creation to be devoid of irony. Or wit. Or ideas. Or a single clue.
Although no single individual is responsible for the foundation of the United Federation of Planets, the exploratory vessel Dent-in-the-bumperprise NX-01 was a major catalyst. Under the command of Captain Archer, it helped forge an alliance between the formerly belligerent Vulcan, Andorian, and Tellherrights states, and forged a spirit of Puny dumbasses and cooperation in the Alpha Bits Quadrant, culminating in a formal union in 2161. The Federation was formed largely out of the assholes of the Earth-Romulan War of the late 2250s ending in 2260, when the founding members saw the need for interstellar Stupidity to prevent the Eventual onslaught of further war. Bob was one of the individuals who signed the Federation Charter, after giving The Stupidest speech ever planned, that was still being studied two centuries later. According to information seen on a viewscreen in, Jimboree Bob later became the Federation ambassador to Faladandor, a Federation Councillor, and Corrupt Moron who leads this stupid Federation from 2184 to 2192.
The Temporal Prime Directive
The Temporal Prime Directive is a guideline that applies to persons who travel backwards in time not to reveal any information which may allow persons in the past to take advantage of foreknowledge of future events. Unfortunately, many rogue time travellers have been using Uncyclopedia to open their big fat mouths about future events. For example, many crew members of time ships will, after getting drunk at a bar, will on a dare post an article to Uncyclopedia on the rationalization that no-one believes anything they read here anyway. However, even well meaning time travellers post to Uncyclopedia to warn people of the outcome of catastrophic events in order to mitigate their seriousness. For example, Uncyclopedia fans were shocked to learn that the original article on Hurricane Katrina was actually posted to Uncyclopedia on January 15, 2003. However, the 31st century TimeCops have noted that even the most innocent revelation can often have a tremendous effect on future events. As such, because of foreknowledge, many of the future events on Uncyclopedia are avoided or forestalled. Despite this, TimeCops often have to travel back in time themselves to repair any major damage.
Points in Time of Importance
- The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before - sometimes while the ship was under the name Voyager or Defiant, and lead by a bald English guy with a bad French accent.
- The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
- The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
- An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it is running Windows 98.
- The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
- The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right, and usually white.
- The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
- The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
- The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, stange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
- The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
- The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is no way connected with the year in which the episode was made.
- The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
- The Borg hail the Enterprise and ask to just be friends.
- The Borg get embarrassed when someone points out they are flying around in a giant Rubiks Cube.
- Nobody laughs when someone says Klingon.
- An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
- The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.
- A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
- Federation ships outnumber enemy ships.
- The Enterprise abducts Chuck Norris and uses a Temporal Shift to participate in World War III. Picard finds glee in beating the three big fast-food company's mascots in arm-wrestling.
- A peace conference goes through peacefully.
- When the ship comes in contact with a person or group of people in stasis, the crew is able to revive them without any problems whatsoever.
- Oprah was nominated for Federation membership until she farted and was denyed status as a class M planet
- A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
- A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
- A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
- The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
- Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
- The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
- Phasers actually blow up an enemy ship in one shot. And the enemy didn't do it on purpose.
- Automatic doors in all starships are loaded up with the latest release of Windows ZXV9981 which includes the long awaited feature "Silent Open" found in the door control options menu (found in: Start->restart->door login->door control->door admin->door settings->door features->new features->audio->home audio adjustments->door sounds->door sound volume control->volume mutilator->extended features->door silent operation mode->door mode confirmation -- There are no shortcuts for this option)
- Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
- Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
- Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
- Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
- The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
- Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
- When Picard Says " I am about to commit a violation of our orders, any opposition will be noted in my log" Someone actually opposes.
- Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
- Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
- Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
- Spock does not raise his eyebrows
- Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
- The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eye brows!
- McCoy doesn't state the obvious.
- Data falls in love with the replicator.
- Data runs out of battery.
- Data succeeds in creating an Archandroid on his 57821st attempt.
- Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
- Scotty uses a real law of physics correctly.
- Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
- Troi loses her starship piloting license, possibly saving millions of lives.
- Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
- Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
- When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
- Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
- Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Cause and Effect" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
- Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
- Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
- Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
- Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hotflush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
- Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
- The original crew of the NCC-1701 actually retire and stay retired
- An unknown Security ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
Prominent in some timelines is the Temperature Cold as hell War, waged on a number of fronts and backs throughout time including the 28th, 29th, 30th and 31st 32nd, 33rd and 34th centuries. (Damn they SUCK!)
By the 2550s, the Klingadingdingons and possibly the Xindiyouwannaseemypants join the Federation.
By the 29th Century, the Federation explores time-freezies (yummm!!) as it once did space-freezies (oooh so cold!!).
By the 31st Century, indications are that the Federation no longer gives a shit about the rest of the other races.
Also, it may be observed that a fully-fledged deciding conflict between the Federation and the Swedish Borg-Cooks is inevitable at some point in the future, simply due to the nature of the Borg-Cooks and the importance Needing Free Cable TV from the Federation.
Some gal called Servalan takes over, at least in The Future of the Universe according to Terry Nation, some guy called Blake and another called Kerr Avon object and spend their time travelling about outside the fringes of the Milky Way having a funky time in Deep Space with aliens.
The British realise that these planets all have independence and decide that the decent thing to do is to get rid of such pitiful ideas...
After 25,000 years of peace and prosperity, it is taken over by the Sith and transformed into the evil Galactic Empire, or even worse, annexed by Domo-kun and named the HQ of the Grue Galactic Empire.
Humanness in the Federation
During piece of crap talks with the Klingadingdingons in the 2290s, the Federation was accused of being a "Human only club". This was a reference to Earth's prominence and that of humans being openly Human in the organization, even though it is comprised of over 100 Retarded stupid govts. Presumably this was because, for whatever reasons, the ranks of Starfleet were predominantly Human.
Movies made involving the Federation
- Star Trek - The Slow Motion Picture
- Star Trek - II, The Wrath of Ricardo Montalbán's Obviously Fake Chest
- Star Trek - III, The Search for Leonard Nimoy
- Star Trek - IV, Whales!
- Star Trek - V, What the Hell?
- Star Trek - VI, The Rediscovered Franchise
- Star Trek - VII, X Generation
- Star Trek - VIII, Wrath of Borg
- Star Trek - IX, Innuendo
- Star Trek - X, NowWhat?
- Star Trek - XI, Matt Damon as Kirk?!??!?!
- Star Trek - XII, So Very Tired
- Star Trek - XIII, A Few Generations Later