“I am still fucking Matt Damon!”
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaatt Damoooooooooooooooon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (born October 8, 1970) is the child wrought with mystery and danger, after Soviet Russia discovered him while watching a live taping of his birth on The Learning Channel. Shortly afterward he fled into the wild without parental supervision after a deliberate nuclear bomb from Russian forces destroyed his home and the surrounding cabbage patch. There he lived for many days, until a hobo found him and taught him his limited speech after seeing Damon's baby-blue pajamas, which held only the phrase "Matt Damon," stitched into the soft fabric. Experts believed that after living in the wild for so many days, the words on the pajamas triggered a nerve cell in the hobo's brain, which allowed him to not only speak the two words, but teach them to young Matt as well.
At the age of 99 OR 17 or 1.55, Matt ventured into the big city and was immediately picked up by a publicist and prompted to write a book about his travels. Most reviews of the book were negative, due to the fact that is consisted only of the words "Matt Damon," albeit mixed around with punctuation. It got an average score of 42% and a surprising 98% from the Jesus Saves Book Club. Despite reviews, It develops quite a strong cult following. Exerpt below. Matt Damon has a tendency to die a lot in films, this is because he is shit.
The Man, The Movies, The Matt
Damon, aka Matt Magnús,aka M Dizzle, with a successful book under his belt (#1 with "Daily Crunker" readers) decided it was time to enter "the biz, show biz." He began work on his first movie three months after the initial launch of his book, by which time was a major hit in Europe and parts of Canada. The film began as a sci-fi thriller involving a controlling government, but it was slowly shaping into something more- "Damon, Matt, the Movie." Before the film was finished, Damon had a few minor roles on the side and played a part in the war story "Shaving Ryan's Privates." Now no stranger to the media, Matt put off production of Damon, Matt the Movie for another major role, this time in The Pourne Identity, another runaway box-office smash, which gave birth to a couple of sequels shortly after; The Pourne Supreme and The Ultimate Pourne
After a nice ride on the filmography superstar trailwagon, Matt decided it was time to put Damon, Matt the Movie in lights. After using much of his time, acting skills, and creative stylings, Matt started the movie. After shooting had began, a joyous Damon exclaimed in an interview with the Daily Crunker, "Damon Matt... Matt Matt Damon. Damon! Matt Damon!" The movie would star Matt Damon, be Directed by Matt Damon, be Casted by by Matt Damon, and with Uwe Boll on lighting. He has no idea what he had for dinner but he thinks it is S**t!
Love and Some Legacy
Damon held back the release of "Damon, Matt," until after his next movie was released, The Brothers Dimm, at which he proposed to Luciana Bozbana Blahblah. The movie got mixed reviews, most in the negative direction, and a good 94% from the Jesus Saves Movie Club. Roger Ebert called the movie a "flaming piece of turd from a donkey's inflamed bumshooting hole." Many believe Matt was simply "testing the waters" and assassinating every critic who gave Dimm a bad review, in order to rid them for the release of his self-proclaimed "Damon," Damon, Matt the Movie. Ebert, however, fled before his murder was put into action.
As rumours ran wild, and the now huge fanbase of the book, Damon, Matt, prepared for it's theatrical release, Damon was "blessed with a child," as the Damon fans called it. She was named Isabonbazza and many Christians called it a sign of Christ's second coming, until they found out later in the Crunker that it was a girl and "took all that second coming stuff back," claiming that Matt had "deceived the faith."
Now on bad terms with Jesus, Matt pushed back the release of his film once again. Fanboys were furious, and it was now in the hands of the Jesus Saves Movie/Book Club. After harsh deliberation and review of all the facts, Jesus Saves came up with a solution. For 14 melons and five Cabbage Patch Dolls, they would personally calm Jesus. Matt accepted, and Jesus agreed to let his followers see the movie. Afterwards he was invited to the premier, but the offer was politely turned down because Jesus had planned to go see the Da Vinci Code that day.
He is said to be a better actor than "friend" Ben Affleck (Person).
Damon's Dream on the Big Screen
Finally, in 2006, Damon's movie was finally ready, and the time was right. On the night of the premier, at the Big Premier Place in Hollywood, Damon gave a heartfelt speech ending with the famous words "I Matt Damon!" The audience applauded at Damon's mastery of a third word, I. The Crunker was there with him, and Damon's long-time publicist stated: "We've been working on that word for a while now, just for this occasion. Next I think we'll tackle the word a."
Another big surprise of the night was the return of Damon's childhood hobo companion, who turned out to be a reincarnated zombie demon, sent by Satan to protect Damon. Satan commented at the party that he thought Damon's name was actually "Matt Demon," hence the confusion, and the accidental (but helpful) sending of the hobo zombie, known as one of Satan's more humorous accidents.
When everyone was seated, and the hype came to a silent anticipation, the lights dimmed and the openings credits rolled.
At the end, the applauding was raucous and it was certainly a pleased audience, or so it seemed. and once it reached theaters, the reviews were outstanding, with a great 99% good reviews. Fans loved it, although some hardcore stick-to-the-book fans were a little surprised at the kitten huffing scene; but even they found it to be the best film of our time, NOT! Everyone except everyone likes Matt Damon.
The Jimmy Kimmel Incident
Damon caused controversy in September, 2006 on the Jimmy Kimmel Live talk show. Host Kimmel told Damon, the first guest on the show that night, that he'd shagged Damon's dog the previous night. After an outburst that consisted of repeated and increasingly vexed usage of the words "Matt Damon!", Damon (who was being egged on by Ben Stiller) took out two uzis and shot Kimmel before firing randomly into the crowd. He exited the studio via a back door, but not before injuring a make-up artist and finding a counter-example to Fermat's Last Theorem using a blackboard in one of the corridors. Damon then created mayhem across the whole of California for an entire week, killing thousands, before Bill Simmons admitted that it was all a well-rehearsed joke and that Kimmel had only shagged Damon's cat. Damon has been widely tipped for a 2007 Oscar nomination for his performance.
The Final Battle
Damon, Matt received outstanding reviews from all critics over the years, but Roger Ebert managed to write his review of it while in hiding from Damon (apparently in a dank cave in Iowa). He called the movie "Highly stupid and irrational. The actors look like emotionless wax puppets and Damon sucks large nutsack." This is considered to be the third blow to Damon from Ebert.
Upon hearing the review, Damon knew it was time to settle his score with Ebert. In his final interview with the debt-ridden Crunker, Damon sent a dire warning to Ebert, telling him "Damon I Matt Damon Matt!!!" As if amused by Damon, Ebert responded by way of CNN, "Bring it on Damon, I'll kick your ass so hard that your testicles will spin into next Tuesday, asshole! BRING IT ON!"
The verbal and written conflict was coming to a stalemate. It was time, in Ebert's words, to "Put up or shut up, Terdcurl!"
After saying what might have been a final farewell to his wife and child, and taking a small knife from the kitchen, Damon proceeded into battle. Meeting with the evil critic an abandoned bomb factory warehouse in Florida, Damon's final battle commenced. Both parties though, had hidden weapons up their sleeve. Ebert was the first to draw his ace card, an entire army from Soviet Russia. "I've been working with them all along, Damon. You see, I ordered them to kill you that day you fled into the woods. You die NOW."
Heavy gunfire rained upon Damon, who ducked behind a large rocket and pushed it towards Ebert's forces. It exploded halfway there from gunfire and killed the entire front line of Soviets. Damon know drew HIS secret weapon, calling forth The Burger King. The King attacked fiercely at the Soviets, who were all like "WTF?"
"It's time to end this Damon," Ebert declared after all the Soviets were killed. Matt had taken a bullet to the shin during the battle. Ebert drew a rifle and pointed it at the King. "Damon!" Matt yelled at the King who turned to see Ebert. The King then flipped off the critic. "Have it your way," Ebert smirked as he shot the King through the stomach. Before he fell the King threw a hot Whopper towards a nearby bomb, which exploded on contact with the sandwich.
Matt Damon Tried To Kill Me
Alright, well it all began about six months back. I had just recently finished helping my friends move into their new place. Naturally that can get pretty exhausting if you do it all day, so I thought it was only fair that they take me out and buy me a couple drinks that night. I can't say that I didn't feel something was a little off when I left for the bar that night. The air smelled.... different. But like most people do with their instincts, I ignored them, instead putting my trust in the normal everyday happenings of life in Hollywood. How foolish...
We arrived around 10:23pm the bar was nearly half full at the time the crowd hadn't arrived. And neither had...... Matt Damon.
There I was, tired, but happy to have my work behind me. I was just glad to be surrounded by my friends and drinking on their dollar. The mood was light, and then he came and ruined all of that. I didn't even realize he had come in. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it had been so long since I last saw him, that I barely recognized him. Either way, he recognized me, and with a shout that coincided with the crash of a chair against the floor. He called to me. There was a definite snarl in the back of his voice. A rage. He hated me, and he was planning to do something about it. Instantly I felt the liquor drain from my mind. It left me sober, standing, and ready to fight.
Like an elephant in fury he came at me, driving his shoulder into my chest. I held on my feet, but the pain shot up my spine. There was no time to cringe, no time to hurt. I had to act. With a drive of my fist I halted his push, and leveraged him away. As I deflected his returning blow towards the bar, I noticed a small crowd gather around us.
He came with another flurry of fists, and I saw none of them... All i saw was his eyes. Brown and sharp. I knew I had to make my move and soon, his stamina was too good, and his mind too sober. I couldn't battle him to attrition. With a quick thought, and a quick hand I hit him square in the jaw. His stutter was enough for me to place another knuckle upon his brow. He began to fall, and as he did I gave him a knee against his hip. It seemed like forever, but everything must of happened within a few moments, because as he fell to the floor, I noticed people still looking at where he used to be. As though their eyes weren't fast enough to match his speedy failure.
For a moment there was silence. I would've thought time itself had frozen, if not for the small trickle of blood that traveled slowly from the corner of my mouth. The pain eased its way into my head, while Matt Damon's consciousness eased back in to his. I held myself over him. Looking as strong as I could, on legs that didn't want to work. He opened his eyes with terror. Terror from me and terror from his own loss. Slowly... I extended my hand, controlled and pure, I extended my arm towards him, to put an end to this fight once and for all.
Collectively the bar gasped, as my fist opened, revealing to everyone, but mostly Matt Damon a palm. A hand. A hand shake. Knowing this was the only way, forgiving what he had done. I wanted the fighting to end. It was at this sight that Matt Damon made his move for me. A knife he had been keeping in his back pocket. Keeping in case his fists couldn't carry him to victory. All I saw was the glint of the blade, then the cut on my hand. I saw the blood begin to leak from my open palm, and when I looked back to Matt Damon, he was gone. The front door slammed behind him, was all I was fast enough to see. In slow motion, it seemed like I fell. An eternity. Until I landed on a cloud. A cloud of hands. Hands of spectators. They held me off the floor, as they looked upon me as their champion. They offered water, and food, but they did not realize, that I hadn't fallen from fatigue. I had fallen, because I knew.... the fighting would continue, and that Matt Damon, was still out there, wanting me dead. And unrelated to Matthew Damon, I now live in a bunker, somewhere 20 kilometers north of the Great Land of Yellowknife.