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Vegetables. The round things on the left are called tomatoes. The phallic orange things are carrots, apparently. I'm reliably informed that the big white bugger is something called a flower and the purple and brown spheroids next to it are onions. Christ alone knows what all that green stuff is. Surely you can't eat green stuff, can you?

Many people believe that the so-called "vegetable" is a form of food product in which it is ingested through the mouth. We, the people of America, however, know that a vegetable is actually a Martian form of cheese, Caseus martius. Unlike the earth's cheese, however, vegetables cause bad gas and hallucinations. Although edible, over dosage of vegetables cause the consumer to collapse into a state of unconsciousness.

Eating vegetables is considered to be the most vile form of plant cruelty, and it is therefore recommended to avoid eating vegetables and stick to eating animals.

Many leading scientists posit that cruciferous vegetables such as Broccoli, many forms of lettuce, and certain freshwater fish actually originate on earth.

Audrey II: The most famous living vegetable ever known

Living vegetables[edit | edit source]

Many living animals are actually vegetables! A famous living vegetable of all time was Audrey II.[1] The most common forms of living vegetables are the meat eating carnivorous Venus flytraps.

These abnormally healthy objects are sometimes referred to as snakes by those of Chinese origin.

Vegetable manufacture[edit | edit source]

It seems highly likely that vegetables are growing the wrong way up. When seeds are in the soil, they SHOULD be going towards the heat at the centre of the Earth, not up and out. Vegetables should be encouraged to go the RIGHT way, by vigorously stamping on any that start to appear, ESPECIALLY Brussel sprouts

Children beware: you are what you eat.

Side effects[edit | edit source]

Vegetable overdoses usually do not occur unless a seriously excessive amount of vegetables have been consumed (more than 3 ounces). However, smaller doses (as little as a teaspoonful or less) can cause troubling side effects. Subjects of Britain suffer from chronic overdose due to the Surgeon Corporal's advice to consume at least five portions of fruit and vegetables a day to avoid Mad Cow Disease.

Side effects[edit | edit source]

  • Baldness
  • Desire to exert gas
  • Decrease of Insomnia
  • Reducing the chance of a heart attack
  • Reducing internet use to under 8 hours daily
  • Enjoying Uwe Bowl films
  • obsession with feet
  • Running out of Toilet Paper
  • Reading Atlas Shrugged whole
  • Enjoyment of opera
  • desire to plank
  • chance to produce micro androids from the anus that slowly take over your body and force you to slap a crumpet

Precautions[edit | edit source]

It is important to know what to do when approached by a dangerous vegetable:

  1. Run as far away as you can while shouting "Paris Hilton!" (This will hopefully give other people who have heard you the chance to run away)
  2. When you finally reach a point of safety, lock all windows and doors and bathe yourself in holywater to rid the essence of vegetables.
  3. If for any reason you come in contact with the vegetable, flush the affected part with cool running water for at least 15 minutes, pat dry, and apply strips of fatty, uncooked bacon immediately.
  4. If you ever have contact on one of your body parts, immediately amputate the area and dispose of the body part, preferably in toxic waste.

Common Vegetables[edit | edit source]

  • Cabbage is not a vegetable. It's a rabid murderous killer.
  • Broccoli is one of God's deadliest creations. The broccoli was once a tree. Before it was shrunken down it was filled with plaster and a sticky green substance causing it to mutate and grow spores. The spores will break off and pollinate the world eventually, causing everyone to grow moustaches.
  • Spinach has been widely condemned in certain parts of California as "the world's most evil vegetable." This is because of the three pieces of tainted spinach that caused an E.Coli outbreak in 2004. Today, a group of vigilantes in California has declared a War on Spinach. They have killed thousands of pieces of spinach so far, and sent Popeye into hiding.
  • Beets are masters of disguise. The vegetable family's "spy," in essence. While sliced, they cleverly disguise themselves as Cranberry Jelly and hide in with all the fruits at the salad bar. You think you are picking up some fruit from the selection but noooo, you take one bite into that fucker and it blows up your jaw, pelvic region, and the nearest small child (just because it can). It's best to just not eat Cranberry Jelly or beets, to avoid any chance of mistaking them from one another. Hell, stay away from the salad bar entirely; why were you there in the first place? Anything with the word salad in it is dangerous.
  • We all knew corn was yellow, but everyone including ESPN is saying that corn has become GAY.
  • Lettuce is considered a delicacy in some cultures, but it is never even thought of as food in most cultures. Like the fugu fish, lettuce contains a lethal amount of tetrodotoxin, and it must be carefully prepared in order to be safe for consumption, usually by placing it in the middle of a delicious sandwich or cheeseburger. It is not recommended to be eaten by people who are very old, very young, and/or have underlying health conditions, and it should never be eaten outside of a sandwich.
  • Arugula is lettuce that has been consumed and passed by a mule.
  • Kale is lettuce that has been consumed and passed by a whale.

Vegetable addiction[edit | edit source]

Vegetable addiction, also known as vegetarianism is a serious disease contracted by thousands each year. It is spread by hippies, health care professionals, and some insects, and is a common side effect of Hinduism, Dieting, or simply being emo. If you think you or a loved one might be a vegetarian, consult your physician immediately.

  • Colin Stodmarsh of Two Humps was briefly addicted to Purple Sprouting Broccoli.
  • George Washington was addicted to Cherry "Tomatoes", the rare vegetable counterpart of the Tomato (pronounced tuh-mah-toe)
  • Individuals who frequently browse through the comic sections of their local newspaper may find themselves addicted to peanuts for unknown reasons
  • Pizza is a vegetable due to congress being cheap-asses making the required veggie serving at schools filled by

Should You Eat Your Vegetables?[edit | edit source]

No, absolutely not. Contrary to popular belief, they will not make you big and strong. Instead they may make you more susceptible to diseases such as scurvy, HIV, and daytime television. It is a proven fact that the only vegetable capable of enhancing physical capabilities is tobacco, which is an anabolic steroid. This was discovered in the late 1800's by the well known sailor, Popeye, who used unhealthy amounts of the leaf to enhance his abilities as a professional race car driver. This was later made into a documentary, however tobacco was substituted with spinach as it is one of the Colonel's 11 Secret Herbs and Spices.

In Case of Overdose[edit | edit source]

If you suspect you or someone near you is in the throws of vegetable overdose (see Side Effects above) immediately start calling everyone in your phone and asking them what to do. The quicker and louder you do this, the more effective it will turn out to be. Leading doctors have recommended:

  • Remove any green clothing the overdoser may be wearing. Chlorophyl isn't green by coincidence. While you're at it, make them take off that stupid poncho.
  • Elevate the stomach above the rest of the overdoser's body. Caseus martius thrives best in a vegetable junky's stomach.
  • Attach leaches to the overdoser's lymph glands. Because.
  • Play some awesome rock and roll. Lame jam band music will almost certainly exacerbate the situation.
  • Tell the overdoser to stop being gay and eat a damned cheeseburger.

Cruciferous vegetable controversy[edit | edit source]

A stark split in the scientific community occurred with the publishing of "Cover the World: Don't Coat Your Colon in Cruciferous" in the Journal of Actual Science in 1978 by Dr. Frances von Dortmünder. He and his colleagues claim to have found incontrovertible evidence that cruciferous vegetables, while having evolved to resemble traditional Caseus martius vegetables, originate from a completely different form of life.

References[edit | edit source]

See also[edit | edit source]