Side effects

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Whoops! Maybe you were looking for UnScripts:Down Home Drug Commercial, or Folgers Crystals?
You probably need a drug for that.

Scene a bright field of huge sunflowers. Inspirational Enya music is playing in the background
Announcer: Have you ever had one of those days?
Lady: Oh God yes! And I need a drug for it!
Announcer: You probably need a drug for that.
Lady: Yeah, I just sai-
Announcer: Presenting Fun-ex™ (Thalomaphrodine)! The restless legs syndrome, erectile dysfunction, and heart irritation medication!
Lady: Thank you JESUS for that thing you just said! (Gets on knees and cries) Thank you! Oh, oh thank the stars! (Pounds ground with both fists) YES! YEEEESSS!
Lady starts dancing around while the sunflowers transform into giant pills. Happy faces rain from the sky.
Announcer: Now you can have the life you and everybody else always wanted!
Lady: I've always wanted that!
Announcer whispering through a napkin: music gets louder
Ifyoustartsmellingshapescallyour bossyouaintcomingintoworktomorrow,
Lady: Whoa, what the...?
Announcer: Ask your doctor for Fun-ex™ (Thalomaphrodine)!
Lady: What was that other stuff you said?
Announcer: Do it! Call your doctor! Do it now! DO IT NOW!

Pill Commercials[edit | edit source]

buy pills online. Trust Shop.

Side effects may include drymouth, hairy corneas, U.F.D.S., Prosopagnosia and itchy fingers.

Nobody, after seeing a commercial for Erectile Dysfunction, can remember the side effects, let alone the name of the drug. (See example on right) See? Can you tell me what the first side effect was? You can't, it's impossible (unless you're a heterosexual woman, but they don't read Uncyclopedia). I wrote the stupid joke, and I can't remember what it was.

Also, side effects generally start off really lame, such as "confusion", then build to the really serious things like "Vivid dreams of self-cannibalization", and then back down to the dumb ones like itching.

While the side effects are being read, the announcer is breaking world records for speed reading, especially if there are more than 3 side effects. Usually they read through a cloth or a piece of metal to confuse the listeners, and add stuff like "rarely" and "occasionally" to make the side effects sound reasonable. But it doesn't matter, because the babe in the bikini is running along the beach, free of the worries of androgenetic alopecia!

The most beautiful women in the world form a consortium of models for the drug industry. In 2005, Pfizer bought the rights to the gene that can make a person happy without drugs, but still needs these women, or else people wouldn't even know they had problems.

There is a special division in each drug company to invent problems, or invent serious sounding names for common problems. I got addicted to a pain killer for hiccups, and look at me now! I'm on Uncyclopedia, writing an article about pain killers for hiccups! I give up. The drug companies win.

Drug companies usually win because of their huge bankrolls, but in this case they won by killing my soul. They usually spend their huge amounts of money on commercials and inventing names, and about 3% on actual drug research, 90% of which is for drugs we don't need.

The most important parts of drugs are their hilarious side effects, some of which will be described to you now...

Common Side Effects[edit | edit source]

Side Effects, dang, there are so many!

These are the most common side effects. You know, not "Super Bowl drug commercial" common, but like, "2 A.M. infomercial" common. We've all heard them, and they constantly grate on our nerves. However, the most important part of any drug commercial is the part about side effects. Listen closely, and you'll notice the slight drop in the tone of the announcer's voice. This is caused by the high-tech audio equipment used to speed up their voice. It also embeds a subliminal message, generally an advert for the product. Side effects of various unnecessary drugs include...

Only the coolest drugs deserve a bar graph.
  • Loss of faith.
  • The shits
  • Increased growth of tooth hair.
  • Loss of external sex organs.
  • Pregnancy
  • Ennui. (From Sartrespan™)
  • Sudden loss of bone tissue.
  • Sudden loss of heartbeat.
  • Sudden loss.
  • Female Menopause.
  • Cancer of the child.
  • Stage 7 (or emo style) depression
  • "The Munchies"... but not the good kind.
  • Ungodly soul inversion.
  • growth of additional eyes
  • Cranial arthritis.
  • Severe Aging
  • Skin failure.
  • Known to cause insanity in laboratory mice.

If death occurs please discontinue usage.

Other Side Effects[edit | edit source]

Randomly Generated Side Effects[edit | edit source]

Side effects for a drug that treats attention deficit include but are not limited to:

  • Partial fingernail self-awareness.
  • Irreversible toe reversal.
  • Chronic chin creation.

Scary Sounding Side Effects[edit | edit source]

I could take on Pruritus and Glossodynia. Gynecomastia sounds a little bit harsh as a punishment, though. Nobody deserves Gynecomastia...

NAME actually is just...
VEISALGIA! a hangover
BRADYCARDIA! slow heartbeat
GLOSSODYNIA! when your tongue is sore.
PRURITUS! itching
ODYNOPHAGIA! when it feels like your food is temporarily stuck while eating
AMNEMONIC APHASIA! forgetting words during conversation
EUPNOEA! normal, relaxed breathing
BRUXISM! tooth grinding
TINNITUS! ringing in the ears
VELOCIRAPTORATTACK! being attacked by a velociraptor
LILLIPUTIAN HALLUCINATION! seeing little people all over the place
BLEPHAROSPASM! an eye twitch
AKATHISIA! "severe restlessness"
XERODERMA! dry skin
PARESTHESIA! pins and needles, or any tingling sensation
DYSPAREUNIA! painful sex
GYNECOMASTIA! the growth of feminine breast tissue
MASTALGIA! breast "pain"
PRIAPISM!! perpetual erection! I need that!
ANGINA! tee hee! chest pain. calm down, perv!

Scary Sounding Conditions[edit | edit source]

I know some people on TV with Anencephaly. I better find out if there are any drugs that have Prosopagnosia as a side effect: I would make my debt collectors take them. I think the cure for Pelvic Congestion would be some old fashioned Dyspareunia: the same side effect that causes Gravida. Also; don't big words suck?

NAME actually is just...
APHTHOUS ULCERS! canker sores
POLYCYTHEMIA! dizziness above 8,000 feet
PLAGIOCEPHALY! having a flat head
CORYZA! common cold
PROSOPAGNOSIA! when you can't recognize faces anymore
ANENCEPHALY! when you don't have a brain
ANDROGENETIC ALOPECIA! male pattern baldness
VARICELLA! chicken pox
HYPERHIDROSIS! when your body produces too much sweat
ACROMEGALY! having big hands and feet
Pneumonoultramicroscopic silicovolcanoconiosis! when your lungs have ash in them
GRAVIDA! pregnancy
TINEA PEDIS! tee hee! no, that's athlete's foot, perv!

Vaxadrine[edit | edit source]


Vaxadrine should not be used by people who want to walk around. Ask your doctor.

Vaxadrin™, Vaxadrine™, Vaxadril™, Vaxadream™, and Vaxasmacks™ are all drugs-slash-cereals marketed by Stephen Colbert, DFa. It's side effects include...

  • Phantom Hand Syndrome.
  • Vivid dreams of self-cannibalization.
  • Scruffula.
  • Bad humors.
  • Late Onset Albinoism.
  • Spontaneous Pregnancy.
  • Increased risk of vampire attack.
  • Partial blindness.
  • Minor heart explosions.
  • Complete blindness.
  • Flaming nostrils.
  • Extraneous limbs.
  • Raging halitosis.
  • Intense apathy.
  • Clown-foot.
  • Frequent profanity.
  • Slight cyclopsism.
  • Hairy uvula.
  • Speaking in tongues.
  • Vaxasmacks™, the only cereal guaranteed to shrink your prostate! Or, if you're a lady, grow ya' one!
  • D.I.S. or Dissolving Intestine Syndrome. In some cases, there have been known to be complications.
  • Reemergence of the umbilical cord.
  • Genital migration.
  • X-ray hearing
  • Prolonged erection... but probably not where you'd hope.
    An example of Spontaneous Combustion.
  • Being attacked by a velociraptor
  • An enemy Picachu appeared!
  • Driving or Operating heavy machinery
  • Being roundhouse-kicked by you know who Chuck Norris, not Voldmort you DUMBASS!
  • PMS
  • Copyright infringment
  • Surviving to adulthood
  • Spontaious Combustion
  • Dry-sphincter
  • If you are a hamster, and if you read this you are, you might want to LOOK BEHIND YOU
  • looking behind you haha
  • Blinking

Sir Robin[edit | edit source]

penis split.

Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, Oh brave Sir Robin! He was not at all afraid of...

  • Being killed in nasty ways.
  • Being mashed into a pulp.
  • Eyes gouged out.
  • Elbows broken.
  • Knee caps split.
  • Body burned away.
  • Limbs all hacked and mangled.
  • Head smashed in,
  • heart cut out,
  • liver removed,
  • bowels unplugged,
  • nostrils raped,
  • bottom burned off,
  • penis split,
  • And his--!!
  • -That's... That's enough music for now, lads.

See Also[edit | edit source]

Oh God, another list! ...Other things that have side effects include...

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Lavender oil. Seriously.
  2. Completely stolen from The Colbert Report on Comedy Central
  3. Completely stolen from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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