~ Kanye West on MSG
Monosodium glutamate, also known as mononuclear silicon germinate or MSG, is a chemical with the formula Si4Ge®OBINGO!!. It is used as a food supplement, a dietary stimulant, a colonic accelerator, and a cellular nucleocide.
The chemical was discovered by the Chinese in 1603 AD when the Mandarin sage Xing-Wap distilled it from the waters of the toxic Huaqing hot springs. It proved a potent and addictive weapon in China's never-ending fight to keep foreigners out of its territory. MSG is effective as a weapon because tastes good on chow mein, but once inside the body it enters cells and floats freely in the cytoplasm where it breaks large molecules into small molecules. The end result of this process is a slow disintegration of the cell, ending in a small puff of wistfulness.
If sufficient MSG is eaten the whole human body gradually dissolves into a gas, wistifluvium, which has properties of mild sorrow, nostalgia, and regret.
History[edit | edit source]
Early history[edit | edit source]
The first Westerners to travel to China tasted small amounts of MSG...and they were hooked. Chow mein, chow yuk, chop suey, mu shu pork, feng shui, subgum fudge—it didn't much matter what the food was, it all tasted better with MSG. Little did the foreigners know that their brain cells were disintegrating into wistfulness.
Before WWII the Japanese army looted huge stockpiles of MSG from the Chinese mainland. After joining the Axis powers, they shared the secret of the delicious white chemical with the Germans, Italians, and the Vichy French. In wartime Italy Mussolini's depraved scientists created a mass-produced food-like product known as Rice-A-Roni, using the the internationally forbidden Bayerische Landesbank process. This new semi-edible was liberally laced with MSG. They exported Rice-A-Roni to occupied Europe, and MSG became a European favorite—especially with the Dutch.
To this day the remains of wistful Dutch MSG addicts float like small blue-green clouds over the barge canals and polders of nostalgic old Holland.
Tragedy[edit | edit source]
What the eager MSG consumers of the West did not know was that the MSG was actually a subtle cellular poison. However, one out of every 10,000 European-Americans turned out to be resistant to the chemical. Instead of dissolving into wistfulness they became hyper-active. They singlemindedly pursued wealth, success, and power; and they reproduced like sex-crazed rabbits. Thus western populations and dollar bills increased exponentially. for everyone
Redemption[edit | edit source]
The end result was Western music, especially rap, country, metal, and pop rock. Flooded with dollar-lusting performers who were willing to take barrels of drugs while acting like dunces on- and off-stage, Euro-American music soon dominated the world.
Oh, if Mussolini and Hirohito could have seen the havoc their shortsighted policies would have! Today Western culture, far from being a society of ubermen and magnificent art, wallows instead in a swamp of computer-generated drum tracks and vocalists who embrace the primal grunt-and-whine as their chosen métier. Alas! Blame it on MSG.
In pop culture[edit | edit source]
A very important event in the history of Monosodium glutamate was the opera Monosodium glutamate. It was premiered in the Ajinomoto Opera in Hiroshima, Japan 6 August 1945. It received tremendeous reviews in the bourgeoisie press the next day. This was quite surprising, since the opera was slightly disturbed by a tremendeous blast outside the opera, only 6 hours and 45 minutes into the perfomance. The slight disturbance did not interfere with the mid pause champagne, and everybody was also eating the specially prepared ramen noodles with Monosodium glutamate prepared by A bearded man dressed with turban, robe and AK-47, earlier mentioned in the article. Allthough he was there, he had nothing to do with the interruption of the play. As certain historians are trying to imply. Being only very small at the time, he was born in 1957, these historians try to imply it was his father. At least, as everybody that was there would agree, he looked quite much like the picture on the left.