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All prescriptions come with a gag and straitjacket, which help increase one's chances of quitting.

Varenicline (also called Chantix or Champix) is a drug, made by Pfizer, which is used to help people stop smoking by making them feel too miserable to smoke. Its intended effects include horrible nightmares, unbearable stomach cramps, profuse sweating, rocking back and forth in a corner talking to your dead grandfather, and an inhibited desire to slowly kill oneself with cigarettes (usually replaced by a desire to immediately kill oneself with a rock hammer).


Varenicline was discovered when some Russian guy found a bunch of it in his spice cabinet and put some of it into his borscht as a substitute for oregano. In addition to losing interest in tobacco products, the man began having uncontrollable seizures which left him permanently comatose. Lionel T. Wimberley, a Pfizer chemist, found that the man had quit smoking since becoming comatose. He decided to bring this information to his superiors who agreed that a profit could be made from this chemical to help people stop breathing smoking.

Clinical trials on varenicline concluded that it was extremely effective at helping patients cease smoking and proper cognitive functioning. The FDA was so impressed with the results and potential profit from the drug patent that a thorough 10-month investigation into its side-effects was forgone for a smell and taste test taking only a few minutes. The drug became available the following autumn and became a very popular gift item that holiday season.

An artist's impression of what varenicline makes his brain feel like.

Mechanism of reaction[edit]


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Varenicline.

Some molecules or complexes or whatever interact with receptacles in the brain. This causes a chemical reincarnation in the brain that is well-understood by scientists but is poorly understood by Uncyclopedia editors and the layman. Some users of varenicline have complained of not being able to remember what they were going to complain about, which doctors believe is due to receptoids in the post-frontal region of the brain exploding and leaking precious brain juice into the Hernan cortex. Or something.

Unlike other smoking cessation AIDS, varenicline contains no nicotine, the organic insecticide produced by the tobacco plant. By destroying the receptionists in the occupational lobe, varenicline decreases one's desire for nicotine and self-preservation.

Side effects[edit]

The side effects of varenicline are poorly understood as it is difficult to tell adverse effects from beneficial effects. The FDA has announced a "black box warning" on varenicline, suggesting that pilots should disable black boxes so they do not record their schizophrenic episodes in the cockpit. All of this came after 9/11 hijacker Ziad Jarrah's incomprehensible and embarrassing screams of "Allah balla malla alla jihad durka durka durka!", as recorded on the flight's black box, were suspected to be due to a prescription of varenicline.

A 2009 University of Maplewiffle study found that varenicline destroys the portion of the brain responsible for remembering where one's car keys are.

See also[edit]

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Mommy's Medicine Cabinet

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