Velociraptor
| Velociraptor | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Lithuania |
| Phylum | Death Raptor |
| Class | Of Scary Things |
| Order | They won't take yours. |
| Family | It will kill yours. |
| Genus | Not quite, but still very smart. |
| Species | Annihilation |
| Binomial name | |
| NCC1701D | |
| Specifications | |
| Health | 5653 |
| Mana | Over 9000 |
| Strength | 653 |
| Intelligence | 2D10 + 2 |
| Weight | 200kg (440 lbs) |
| Length | Varies depending on sexuality. Gays are the longest. |
The velociraptor is a pickup-truck-sized bipedal carnivore with an extended stiffened tail, distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long, low skull and upturned snout. It bears a sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs, measuring up to 67 millimeters (2.6 inches) around its outer edge.
Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands turned millionaire amusement parks but, due to global warming and some unexpected disasters on said island, they are now being seen all over the world. Velociraptors are known for their highly coordinated packs and unusual intelligence, as evidenced by their nearly successful attempts to destroy humanity (Y2K and 2012) and the fact that they can open doors seemingly effortlessly.
Origin
The skeleton of a velociraptor was found in modern-day Turkey during an excavation of the potential site of ancient Troy, suggesting that dinosaurs did co-exist with humans as Bible scholars suggest. The trojan horse may have actually been a trojan velociraptor. Probably was.
There is fierce debate amongst dinosaur scholars as to where velociraptors came from. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that velociraptors evolved over millions of years as an offshoot of larger dinosaurs, in an attempt to adapt to a more fiercely competitive ecosystem. American evangelicals suggest that they hatched from the eggs of fallen angels from Heaven, shat
on their way to Hell after tempting the Mallachites to invade Judea. Critics of this theory point out that neither theory explains how velociraptors were able to eat Ray Arnold so easily in Jurassic Park (which suggests a preference for dark meat).
Another slightly more plausible theory states that the first velociraptor was created by a rich billionaire with nothing else to do; it subsequently escaped.
Bizarre fringe theories include that velociraptors are naturally formed reptaves, like Utahraptor, and that they never went extinct but evolved into bottom feeding republicans in Donald Trump's second caucus.
Fish seem to be immune to the attacks of a velociraptor, which suggests some sort of link between the two species and the resilience of Australians.
Though velociraptors can be found around the globe due to population dispersion, the highest recorded velociraptor density per square kilometer (a unit of measurement represented by VD/sq km when calculating physics) is in their adopted home, Lithuania. In a futile attempt to gain some semblance of peace with their vicious co-inhabitants, the Lithuanians adopted a state emblem featuring the Lithuanian breed of velociraptor. The velociraptor is the same colour of the stripes of Lithuania's flag, which is why one cannot see the dinosaur when looking at the flag. But it is there. Trust us.
Safety
A velociraptor will attack you either on the street or in your own home. Their preferred method is to wear disguises: trench coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers are among the favorites. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or the promise of ultimate domination over a galaxy as this is probably a velociraptor. It is also advisable to equip your children with tire irons, if they walk to school, and to meet them when they get off their bus to make sure the driver isn't a velociraptor trying to "snag a happy meal".
A velocirator's rectum is constantly inflamed due to inadequate chewing of its prey, thus it is usually quite cranky. However, offering velociraptors human medication such as Preparation H™ and Vagisil&ref; is not advisable as they are immune. While your child is more likely to be killed by a mass shooting in America, velociraptor attacks are not far behind. Bulletproof doors however will not stop them getting into the class (as they can open doors). Their ability to open doors is seemingly unexplainable.
Velociraptors are notoriously fast; the average velociraptor accelerates at 4m/s2 and will reach its maximum velocity of 25m/s mere seconds after the chase has begun[1]. No, you cannot escape them running, even if you were Usain Bolt (which you are not).
A velociraptor will take five minutes to open the first door it encounters, and for each subsequent door thereafter will halve the time it took before. (The second door will take two and a half minutes, the third will take one minute fifteen seconds, ad nauseam.)[2]. It will, however, find great difficulty in ascending or descending staircases; due to its size, a velociraptor can climb only short distances at a time.[3]
Velociraptors hunt in groups,[4] typically in teams of three. They are more effective than a pack of laughing hyenas only they never laugh because being a velociraptor is no funny business.
Warding off velociraptors
Because they are far smarter than any human could ever hope to be, velociraptors have managed to overcome the 65‑million‑year extinction barrier, and any geographical or ethnic barriers previously imposed upon them. Therefore, it is highly important that you know how to best protect yourself. Perhaps your best bet for avoiding a velociraptor attack is to stay with a group of a hundred, make lots of noise, and outrun all of your companions. They cannot eat all of you unless they have a large calorie deficit.
Being distantly related to modern birds, such as the raven, they are easily distracted by shiny objects which they will immediately chase after. If you are desperate you can try a natural bird repellant which is a mixture of bear mace and Red Bull. This has been used with some success to stop birds attacking crops, so it would theoretically be useful for driving away velociraptors. This chemical is found in some of the less-sweet fruit varieties. Which is why leading velociraptor attack experts recommend carrying around a SuperSoaker loaded with bird repellant, or if not available, Concord grape juice. Freshly squeezed is best, but the concentrate can also be of use.
Much like poor people in disheveled houses with their extended families, if velociraptors create a nest, they become extremely difficult to remove, due to the three-second respawn time, facilitating the use of a high-yield thermonuclear weapon to root them out. They are basically more menacing and harder to get rid of than squatters in a council estate.
Protecting the home
The next step in protecting yourself from these creatures is to velociraptor-proof your home. This means a strong door, deadlocked, bolted, and quadruple locked (they will still likely open it). In fact put six locks on and leave three unlocked all the time. This way, if any of them manage to pick locks they will always be leaving three of them locked. High windows are also a must, as the climbing ability of a velociraptor is somewhat limited. Any lower windows should have bars placed across them, to prevent these ferocious beasts from entering. Stairs can be useful; however, they are only recommended when protecting from Daleks. No matter what you do, they will eventually get it, but you can slow them down.
When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks [1]:
- Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid Unobtanium. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the smallest raptor (ideally less then eight inches wide/tall (45 octometers)).
- Have several security guards (ideally hired velociraptors)
- Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot. The deadbolts should also be made of Unobtainium.
- Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember: "You should never be farther than twenty feet away from a tire iron."
- Velociraptors are really flipping scary so don't shit your pants but be quick on your feet and react
- Grape juice is a suspected velociraptor repellant, but is yet to be proven. Use this method only at your own risk.
- Don't answer the door to anyone saying weird growling noises and drooling as they are possibly, just may be, raptors.
- Install different kinds of doors in each room, that will give you some time to run as they will get confused by these changes in doors
- You can train your dog to imitate an echidnae.
- Living on an island will not protect you; dinosaurs can swim and eventually a millionaire will just turn it into a dinosaur park anyways
- Don't go to islands owned by millionaires, there are already dinosaurs there
It is a well known fact that one should not invite a velociraptor to one's cookout. They will come over, eat all of your steaks, drink all of your beer and then eat you and shit out your bones.
Velociraptor Awareness Day
Every year, the 18th of April is Velociraptor Awareness Day. It is a day created to remember those who gave their lives on the day the meteorite impacted on Earth. Their bodies helped cushion the blow, which allowed their avian brothers to survive extinction and become birds. Birds thank the velociraptors on this day by shitting on humans at twice the general rate.
Experiments
There haven't been many experiments on this terrifying species (on account of their sharp teeth and their out-smartinating abilities). I have come across only three (not counting how many times they did it and failed horribly). Most experiments involve putting them in front of doors and recording how long it takes to open them. They don't even seem to struggle with revolving doors despite their awkward gait and general movement. They do struggle with Chinese paper doors, because their claws just rip right through them destroying the doors rather than opening. Alas, there are some things even velociraptors cannot do.
In conclusion
Velociraptors should be praised for their intelligence, their ability to consume creatures bigger than them and their astonishing ability to open any door you put through to them. Why they haven't opened up lock-smith businesses is anyone's guess but this would be a fantastic business opportunity. If you are a millionaire, then why not open up a dinosaur un-extinction park on an island and raise velociraptors to become expert lock-smiths and completely monopolize the trade cornering the world market. You can then dedicate your funds to creating an island dinosaur park where one day can go by without a human getting eaten!
See also
Philosoraptor
Raptor Jesus
References
- ↑ "xkcd: Substitute," Question #1 (http://xkcd.com/135/)
- ↑ "xkcd: Substitute," Question #3 (http://xkcd.com/135/)
- ↑ It has been suggested that velociraptors can fly. Results vary.
- ↑ "Is Your Home Safe From a Velociraptor Attack?" (https://web.archive.org/web/20100210094338/http://purpleslinky.com/offbeat/is-your-home-safe-from-a-velociraptor-attack/)
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