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It's May! It's SPRING! As we all know, Spring is the time when Velociraptor activity is at its highest. Make sure you are prepared!
Velociraptor 1.JPG
Scientific classification
Kingdom Lithuania
Phylum Death Raptor
Class of Scary Things
Order They won't take yours
Family It will kill yours
Genus Not quite, but still very smart.
Species Annihilation
Binomial name
Health 5653
Mana Over 9000
Strength 653
Intelligence 2D10 + 2
Weight 200kg (440 lbs)+ 7
Length Varies depending on sexuality

The Velociraptor is a pickup truck-sized bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail, distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long, low skull and upturned snout. It bares a relatively large, sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs; this enlarged claw, up to 67 millimeters (2.6 in) long around its outer edge, is a predatory device, which the Velociraptor uses to tear into the prey, delivering a fatal kill shot. The Velociraptor should not to be confused with the slightly more advanced Raptor.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands turned millionaire amusement parks, but due to global warming, are now being seen all over the world in large numbers. Raptors are known for their highly coordinated hunting packs and unusual intelligence, as evidenced by their effort to bring about the end of humanity in December 2012, the fact that they can open doors, as well as their failed attempt to destroy humanity using Y2K. Raptors are known to also have an interest in controlling public education, perpetuating the myth that the Velociraptors have been extinct for 65,000,000 years. Not true.


A skeleton of a Velociraptor was found in Mongolia during the search for Troy, suggesting dead Velociraptors inhabited that area at one point in time. It is not known where the Velociraptors with skin lived, though. It is also known to be found in Western Pennsylvania attics.

Nobody But Satan really knows or cares where exactly these creatures came from, or how they were created. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that the Velociraptor hatched from an egg left in Hell's Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not account for the trench-coats commonly worn by Velociraptors. Other academics support what they call the "Batman Theory" of Velociraptor creation; this suggests that after Dick Grayson was born to Batman, he changed his name to Dick Tracy and subsequently invented the trench-coat. He then stole all of Batman's cool shit and created Velociraptors, giving them trench-coats as they were born.

Yet another, slightly more plausible theory, states that the Velociraptor was created by a rich billionaire with nothing else to do. The Velociraptor subsequently escaped, and has been roaming the world ever since. None seem to know from where the trench-coats originate, though some suggest that Hitler might have presented them to the Velociraptor, in a bid to avoid being eaten. It didn't work; der Führer is dead, and he most likely resulted in mild indigestion (Coincidentally, avoid dressing up as Hitler, as Velociraptors don't care much for indigestion).

A final alternate theory is that Raptors never went extinct but secretly rule the world by impersonating humans. These include Raptor Jesus, Raptor Napoleon, Raptor Hitler, Raptor Pope, Raptor Batman, Raptor Hillary Clinton, & Raptor Obama.

Fish seem to be immune to the attacks of a Velociraptor. This suggests some sort of link between the two species, as does the similar resilience possessed by the Australians.

Though Velociraptors can be found about the globe due to population dispersion, the highest recorded Velociraptor density per square kilometer (a unit of measurement represented by VD/sq km when calculating physics) is in the Velociraptor's adopted home kingdom of Lithuania. In a futile attempt to gain some semblance of peace with their vicious co-inhabitants, the Lithuanians adopted a state emblem featuring the Lithuanian breed of Velociraptor. It was a nice attempt, Lithuania, but nothing can appease the Velociraptors (we are sorry for your losses).


When faced with an imminent 'raptor attack, martial arts experts suggest the startled mongoose stance.

A Velociraptor will attack you, either on the street or in your own home; their preferred method is to wear disguises: trench-coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers are among the favorites. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or the promise of ultimate domination over the galaxy as this is probably a Velociraptor. It is also advisable to equip your children with crowbars and/or tire irons if they walk to school so that they have a proper line of defense and to meet their bus drivers to make sure that they aren't Velociraptors trying to snag what they call a "Happy Meal."

As a Velocirator's rectum is constantly inflamed due to inadequate chewing of its prey, Velociraptors are usually quite cranky. However, offering Velociraptors human medication such as Preparation H and Vagisil is not advisable as they are immune to these medications' effects. In fact, if you don't believe us, celebrated biologist Henry Poppendeimer once presented a tube of Preparation H to a Velociraptor as a peace offering when it cornered him in a phone booth, and he was immediately savaged along with the aforementioned tube before being eaten whole, leaving only a quickly scribbled note behind explaining what had happened to him.

Velociraptors are notoriously speedy; the average Velociraptor is capable of accelerating at 4m/s2 and will reach its maximum velocity of 25m/s mere seconds after the chase has begun. It is also known that the Velociraptor is capable of opening doors. When in pursuit, a Velociraptor will take five minutes to open the first door, and for each subsequent door thereafter, will halve the time it took before (the second door will take two and a half minutes, the third will take one minute fifteen seconds, and so on). They do, however, find great difficulty in ascending or descending staircases; due to their size, a Velociraptor can climb only short distances at any one given time. It has been suggested that a Velociraptor is capable of flight, though sources differ on this claim.

The only known natural predator of the Velociraptor is the echidna; in ancient times, some found it a mild repellent, and quite fashionable, to wear an echidna on one's head.

Avoiding an Attack

Velociraptors fancy large prey; if you are obese and find yourself surrounded, well face it; you're screwed.

Velociraptors are able to take a full clip from most automatic weapons in the chest and consider this a small annoyance, so you need to find weapons that will have more of an effect. Being distantly related to modern birds, such as the raven provides you with a possible advantage however. One is shiny objects they will immediately chase after. The other is a natural bird repellant methyl anthranilate. This has been used with some success to stop birds attacking crops, so it would theoretically be useful for driving away velociraptors. This chemical is found in some of the less-sweet fruit varieties. Which is why leading velociraptor attack experts recommend carrying around a SuperSoaker loaded with Concord grape juice. Freshly squeezed is best, but the concentrate can also be of use. Other than this, a military shotgun, e.g. SPAS-12, or any form of explosive would be useful. If velociraptors create a nest, they become extremely difficult to remove, due to the 3 second respawn time, facilitating the use of a high-yield thermonuclear weapon to root them out. And finally NEVER EVER USE ZOMBIES, But Homer Simpson will keep them occupied for a few months.

Danger Awareness

Various efforts have been put forth to bring a greater level of awareness to people about Velociraptors. The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention has declared April to be National Velociraptor Awareness Month.

It is also important that you bolt down lids to trash cans and toilets to prevent ambushes like this.

In recent years, a particular group of people have been known to practice unsafe measures during the height of Velociraptor activity on the day of awareness for velociraptors - typically in the spring. As safety precautions suggest being as loud as possible to avoid Velociraptor attacks, this makes for a very unsafe environment. Velociraptor Awareness Day is held the same day as "Day of Silence", and concerned persons should seek to do as much as possible to encourage a reversal of this dangerous behavior during the height of Velociraptor-attack season. Remember, making as much noise as possible is a standard safety precaution.