Velociraptor

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Velociraptor
Scientific classification
Kingdom	Lithuania
Phylum	Death Raptor
Class	Of Scary Things
Order	They won't take yours.
Family	It will kill yours.
Genus	Not quite, but still very smart.
Species	Annihilation
Binomial name
NCC1701D
Specifications
Health	5653
Mana	Over 9000
Strength	653
Intelligence	2D10 + 2
Weight	200kg (440 lbs)
Length	Varies depending on sexuality. Gays are the longest.

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Raptors?

The velociraptor is a pickup-truck-sized bipedal carnivore with a long, stiffened tail, distinguished from other dromaeosaurids by its long, low skull and upturned snout. It bears a sickle-shaped claw, typical of dromaeosaurid and troodontid dinosaurs, measuring up to 67 millimeters (2.6 inches) around its outer edge.

Velociraptors are commonly found on tropical islands turned millionaire amusement parks but, due to global warming, they are now being seen all over the world. Velociraptors are known for their highly coordinated packs and unusual intelligence, as evidenced by their nearly successful attempts to destroy humanity (Y2K and 2012) and the fact that they can open doors.

Origin

A skeleton of a velociraptor was found in Mongolia during the search for Troy, suggesting that dead velociraptors inhabited that area at one point in time. It is not known where the velociraptors with skin lived.

Nobody but Satan really knows or cares where exactly these creatures came from, or how they were created. One theory, the Single Egg Theory, postulates that a velociraptor hatched from an egg left in Hell's Kitchen for three days and three nights. Critics of this theory point out that this does not account for the trench coats they commonly wear. Other academics support what they call "the Batman theory": Rick Grayson, before changing his name to Rick Tracy, invented the trench coat and velociraptors.

Another slightly more plausible theory states that the first velociraptor was created by a rich billionaire with nothing else to do; it subsequently escaped. Others suggest that Hitler might have presented a trench coat to a velociraptor, in a bid to avoid being eaten. (Der Führer is dead.)

Bizarre fringe theories include that velociraptors are naturally formed reptaves, like Utahraptor, and that they never went extinct but secretly rule the world by impersonating humans, to wit Raptor Napoleon, Raptor Pope, Raptor Hillary, and Raptor Barack.

Fish seem to be immune to the attacks of a velociraptor, which suggests some sort of link between the two species and the resilience of Australians.

The Lithuanian State Emblem. Original slogan of the republic: "Accessories not included."

Though velociraptors can be found around the globe due to population dispersion, the highest recorded velociraptor density per square kilometer (a unit of measurement represented by VD/sq km when calculating physics) is in the velociraptor's adopted home kingdom of Lithuania. In a futile attempt to gain some semblance of peace with their vicious co-inhabitants, the Lithuanians adopted a state emblem featuring the Lithuanian breed of velociraptor. It was a nice attempt, Lithuania, but nothing can appease the velociraptors. (Sorry for your losses.)

Safety

A velociraptor will attack you, either on the street or in your own home; their preferred method is to wear disguises; trench coats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers are among the favorites. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or the promise of ultimate domination over a galaxy as this is probably a velociraptor. It is also advisable to equip your children with tire irons, if they walk to school, and to meet their bus to make sure the driver isn't a velociraptor trying to "snag a happy meal".

Velociraptors are vicious and cunning killers.

As a velocirator's rectum is constantly inflamed due to inadequate chewing of its prey, velociraptors are usually quite cranky. However, offering velociraptors human medication such as Preparation H™ and Vagisil&ref; is not advisable as they are immune.

Velociraptors are notoriously fast; the average velociraptor accelerates at 4m/s² and will reach its maximum velocity of 25m/s mere seconds after the chase has begun. A velociraptor will take five minutes to open the first door, and for each subsequent door thereafter will halve the time it took before. (The second door will take two and a half minutes, the third will take one minute fifteen seconds, ad nauseam.). It will, however, find great difficulty in ascending or descending staircases; due to its size, a velociraptor can climb only short distances at a time.

Velociraptors hunt in groups, typically in teams of three.

Things velociraptors hate

Velociraptors dislike many things that human society and culture might otherwise approve of; it is up to the individual at this point (society is too far gone to be saved) to protect themselves by avoiding, as best as possible, all of the following.

• Chuck Norris
• Being eaten
• Being eaten by Chuck Norris
• Being shot
• GOTO statements
• People who mock their intelligence (who most likely will get eaten)
• Poor grammar (Avoid saying "I will eatify you"; it will get you eaten.)
• Koalas
• Peanut Butter
• Amber (the crystal)
• Disney films (especially The Lion King)
• Text Lingo, e.g. cuz, ppl, h8, u
• Laughter
• Happiness
• Bruce Lee
• You
• Small children's laughter (especially Boo)
• Purple URLS
• People who aren't really as cool as they think they are. The velociraptors will show you how cool you aren't.
• Mr.Kilmon
• Elmo
• Microwaves
• Chicken nuggets
• The country of Jordan
• All Apple products
• Running
• Compies (compsognathus)
• Twilight
• Lisa's Bakery and Delicatessen
• Wangsters (They'll be the first to go, seeing as they don't know how to wear their pants. They'll most likely trip, and while they're being viciously torn apart the rest of us will laugh.)
• People who use q's instead of g's, e.g. niqqa and bitchinq
• Little Wang ... uh, I mean Little Wayne!
• Throwing bananas
• Opening doors
• Brittany
• Homer Simpson
• Sulley

Warding off velociraptors

Certain items are better than others for warding off a velociraptor.

• Chuck Norris, as velociraptors seem to be terrified of Chuck Norris.
• Holy Bible. Serves as a perfect, unsuspected blunt weapon.
• Shotgun. The shotgun is the only known predator of the velociraptor. One should not rely solely on a shotgun, however, as most do not possess the level of skill it requires to successfully shoot a velociraptor.
• Small berries. It is unknown why velociraptors fear small berries such as blueberries, choke cherries, and boysenberries, but we're not complaining as it is far easier to come up with an excuse why you are carrying a bag of blueberries to a police officer than it is to explain the shotgun you're holding.
• T-rex. Raptors hate tyrannosauruses and will run in fear. However, it is not the best way to ward raptors away due to the fact the T‑rex might eat you!! This has happened f(x)=62x^3+39x^2+YELLOWx+9 times in history.

Avoiding an attack

Velociraptors fancy large prey. If you're obese and find yourself surrounded ... Oh well.

Because they are far smarter than any human could ever hope to be, velociraptors have managed to overcome the 65‑million‑year extinction barrier, and any geographical or ethnic barriers previously imposed upon them. Therefore, it is highly important that you know how to best protect yourself. The following are several steps that should be observed in order to ensure continued survival, no matter how many seconds "continued" entails.

• Avoid going into the long grass; just like Pokémon, velociraptors can appear in the wild and when you are least expecting them.
• Keep adrenaline shots nearby. These will give you a temporary boost of energy that might just save your life. Though most likely it will not.
• France surrendered to the velociraptors, so don’t bother go there; the French are of no use against a velociraptor.
• Refrain from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards. Regardless, this is called bestiality, and is frowned upon by society.
• Wear clean underwear at all times (though this should already be a normal request).
• Never, ever find yourself more than twenty feet from a tire iron.
• Stay out of the tall grass.
• The only way to lose a velociraptor while running is to do the Hammer Slide Movement... It's rumored that the Moonwalk also works, but after MJ passed, we recommend to reconsider the Hammer Slide.
  • As a side note, MC Hammer is offering free Hammer Slide Courses on YouTube.

Perhaps your best bet for avoiding a velociraptor attack is to stay with a group of a hundred, make lots of noise, and outrun all of your companions.

Finally, you need a weapon. velociraptors are able to take a full clip from most automatic weapons in the chest and consider this a small annoyance, so you need to find weapons that will have more of an effect. Being distantly related to modern birds, such as the raven, provides you with a possible advantage however. One is shiny objects they will immediately chase after. The other is a natural bird repellant methyl anthranilate. This has been used with some success to stop birds attacking crops, so it would theoretically be useful for driving away velociraptors. This chemical is found in some of the less-sweet fruit varieties. Which is why leading velociraptor attack experts recommend carrying around a SuperSoaker loaded with Concord grape juice. Freshly squeezed is best, but the concentrate can also be of use. Other than this, a shotgun or any form of explosive would be useful. If velociraptors create a nest, they become extremely difficult to remove, due to the three-second respawn time, facilitating the use of a high-yield thermonuclear weapon to root them out. And finally, NEVER EVER USE ZOMBIES. But Homer Simpson will keep them occupied for a few months.

Protecting the home

The next step is to velociraptor proof your home. This means a strong door, deadlocked, bolted, and quadruple locked. In fact put six locks on and leave three unlocked all the time. This way, if any of them manage to pick locks they will always be leaving three of them locked. High windows are also a must, as the climbing ability of a velociraptor is somewhat limited. Any lower windows should have bars placed across them, to prevent these ferocious beasts from entering. Stairs can be useful; however, they are only recommended when protecting from Daleks.

When buying a new home, there are a few things to look out for when assessing potential velociraptor attacks ^[1]:

• Check all doors and windows. Doors should be made of solid oak or steel. Windows should have steel bars with spacing smaller than the smallest raptor (ideally less then 8 inches wide/tall (45 octometers)).
• Make sure all entryways have adequate deadbolts. Quality deadbolts may be purchased at your local Home Depot.
• Always keep a loaded big-game rifle under your bed, and tire irons near every door. Remember; "You should never be farther than 20 feet away from a tire iron".
• Doors should also have bolt locks, preferably non-electronic. Standard door handles should be replaced with handles set into the doors. This will delay velociraptor door-opening significantly.
• Velociraptors are really flipping scary.
• Grape juice is a suspected velociraptor repellant, but is yet to be proven. Use this method only at your own risk.
• Don't answer the door to anyone saying weird growling noises and drooling as they are possibly, just may be, raptors.
• They love being really rude by wearing knickers and bras to the houses of parliament.
• Wire your doorbell up so that both sides are outside. They will get really annoyed. Actually, DON'T DO THAT!!!
• NO, SERIOUSLY!!!
• I AM NOT JOKING! DO NOT DO THAT!!!!!
• Never let your grass grow over 1.5 m. or you might receive the Pokemon effect. This is not something that is beneficial to your well-being.
• Make sure your hallway is electrified just in case it breaks in.
• Install different kinds of doors in each room, that will give you some time to run.
• You can train your dog to imitate an echidnae.
• Living on an island will not protect you; dinosaurs can swim.
• Don't go to islands owned by millionaires.

It is a well known fact that one should not invite a velociraptor to one's cookout. They will come over, eat all of your steaks, drink all of your beer, and then leave, taking all of your hot babes with them. Yeah. They went there.

Awareness

Various efforts have been put forth to bring a greater level of awareness to people about velociraptors. The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention has declared October to be National velociraptor Awareness Month.

In recent years, a particular group of people have been known to practice unsafe measures during the height of velociraptor activity (spring). The gay community holds a special day each April known as "Day of Silence". As safety precautions suggest being as loud as possible to avoid velociraptor attacks, this makes for a very unsafe environment. Velociraptor Awareness Day is held the same day as "Day of Silence", and concerned persons should seek to do as much as possible to encourage a reversal of this dangerous behavior during the height of velociraptor-attack season. Remember, making as much noise as possible is a standard safety precaution. Always remember:

• Don't look at its legs as they don't like gays.
• Cavemen and Protoceratops are their favorite food, so keep one on hand.
• Never mistake them for fish fingers.
• A King of Siam is the only known person to tame one. He said, "They love ice cream and water parks, especially when they can skip queues."
• Lining your floors with big macs is a common precaution, because they don't like liver lard (this is also why you should always go to McDonald's for fast food).
• Velociraptors are known enemies of the tyrannosaurus. If you can get the services of a T‑rex (or Chuck Norris) you will not regret it.
• The preferred weapons for taking down a velociraptor are nukes, Heavy machine guns, shotguns, laser cannons and a giant sledgehammer.

Velociraptor Awareness Day

Every year, the 18^th of April is Velociraptor Awareness Day. It is a day created to remember those who have already been killed in velociraptor attacks; but, more importantly, it is a day to raise alertness as to what one can do to protect oneself.

Experiments

There haven't been many experiments on this terrifying species (on account of their sharp teeth and their out smartinating abilities). I have come across only three (not counting how many times they did it and failed horribly.)

• Jurassic Park
• Bunny+velociraptor cross-hares experiment
• "Mr. Winklefinger's Expo". Back in 1999 (December 31 at 11:59 p.m.) a time vortex sent a rabid flock of pegasuses (a.k.a. a nightmare) right into a magnetic generator, causing themselves and the generator to have instant vertigo and an instant DNA fusion. Since then, scientists have been able to wean out hundreds of pegasuses through a gap in the ozone which a Mr. Winklefinger

This is an Insignificant Person The Conference Regarding Awkward People (C.R.A.P.) has found that this person is way too awkward to be mentioned in Uncyclopedia. Instant huffing may be required.

incorrectly blamed on pollution. (Scientists originally accepted his idea while having coffee with men with interesting complexions wearing trench coats and fake mustaches.) He later founded *People Against Pegasus Velociraptor Breeding, whose motto is "Criticize us when you can pronounce our acronym!" Their cover name is "the free masons", not to be confused with the group who has been forging documents since the early seventeen hundreds.

In conclusion

The people of Lithuania tried to appease the velociraptors and honor the Jesus Raptor on Easter but Lithuanians' comprehension is extremely low. (They crossed a raptor with a bunny, calling it Easterus bunnysaurus.) The raptors were very gracious of this token and thanked the scientists by making them into a sandwich. (Just kidding. The raptors don't thank anyone.) Luckily as a safety protocol bunnysauruses can't breed with other raptors, so we are safe from them for now.

External links

• American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention, helpful info for preventing velociraptor attacks