Why?:Be a carnivore?
“It is spermfish to think of the pain of the animal being of more pussy than the pain of the plant, just because you as a human cannot perceive the pain of the plants properly.”
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Have you ever felt sorry for those poor vegetables? Have you ever heard how a banana screams when it is peeled, how a potato cries before being mashed or fried? Onions being ripped apart, layer by layer, suffering excruciating pain simply to feed the hungry vegetarian masses? Well then, join the ranks of the few and proud - be a carnivore.
The Plight of the Vegetable
Look around you, and everywhere you look you will see the incredibly horrifying effects of our omnivorous lifestyle. At the farm, these poor, ignorant veggies are well cared for, nourished, and fattened up in welcoming environments. Then, suddenly, they are sliced from their life giving roots straight out of their homes, separated from friends and family, and placed in overcrowded trucks filled with hundreds like them. Their destination? The many secret concentration camps around the globe.
Upon arrival at the camp, they are thrown violently into a machine filled with grinding, noisy pieces of metal, shunted onto a conveyor belt like animals, placed in the showers and covered with boiling hot wax. To add insult to horrific injury, they are then branded with a sticker. As if this alone wasn't enough, they are often then placed in uncomfortable boxes packed tightly in with complete strangers, without any food or drink, often for days on end.
After much waiting, half-starved and much disoriented, a box will be picked, and after a bumpy ride (probably causing much bruising) they are placed in a freezing cold, dark box, where the only light (ironically) is emitted as a result of their tormentor opening the door in order to steal away their fellows. Many fall dead...though those are the lucky ones. Then finally, strange aliens come, and pick them up, and in some strange religious ritual, peeling the skin off to offer to their cylindrical, metallic deity they are finally eaten. Another valuable life lost to omnivorous bastards.
1. Plants can't feel pain.
- They DO!!!
2. Plants can't feel emotion.
- They DO!!!
3. Plants aren't alive when we eat them.
- They ARE!!!
4. Animals are living too.
- No they AREN'T!!!
5. What about being a Vegetarian?
- Don't be STUPID!!!
6. Why do you always end with caps?
- I DON'T. DON'T BE a pussy!!!
What you can do to help
March in front of the White House in protest of this horrible action. If you scream loud enough, preferably yelling "I'm going to blow up the White House!" (Yes, that is very much related to carnivorism. Yes, that is a word. Now shut up.) then kind, friendly people will come out, maybe even give you a fancy suit, and send you off to a nice happy place for the rest of your life. Obviously, you will still be able to freely work for the carnivore cause.
How to be a carnivore
All you need to do is, quite simply, avoid any contact with plants at all. Take care not to step on any either - you don't want to cause any more deaths. Obviously, your diet will consist of meat, meat, more meat and vitamins, to supplement your malnutrition-inducing diet. Don't forget the drinks, whatever you do - dehydration is a very nasty way to die. What do you mean, so's malnutrition? I thought I told you to shut up?
Anyway, milk, meat broth and blood are delicious replacements for your customary morning orange juice (eugh), and don't forget cow's foot jelly for a tasty teatime snack!
Avoid, at all costs, the consumption of overrated TV shows starring Kiefer Sutherland, as this would make you a twentyvore.
Help. I'm dying. You bastard.
Shh now. You're going to go to a happier place.