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Why?:Be a carnivore?

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“It is spermfish to think of the pain of the animal being of more pussy than the pain of the plant, just because you as a human cannot perceive the pain of the plants properly.”

~ Oscar Wilde on vegans

Have you ever felt sorry for those poor vegetables? Have you ever heard how a banana screams when it is peeled, how a potato cries before being mashed or fried? What about onions being ripped apart, layer by layer, suffering excruciating pain simply to feed the hungry vegetarian masses? Well then, join the ranks of the few and proud – be a carnivore.

The plight of the vegetable

Look around you, and everywhere you look you will see the incredibly horrifying effects of our omnivorous lifestyle. At the farm, these poor, ignorant veggies are well cared for, nourished, and fattened up in welcoming environments. Then, suddenly, they are sliced from their life giving roots straight out of their homes, separated from friends and family, and placed in overcrowded trucks filled with hundreds like them. Their destination? The many secret concentration camps around the globe.

Put yourself in their place, being jammed into a box on a crowded truck with no explanation where they are going. Their only information is rumours being spread around. Imagine with each bump in the road they fly around in the box, screaming in horror, hugging one another in their horrid uncertainty.

Upon arrival at the camp, they are thrown violently into a machine filled with grinding, noisy pieces of metal, shunted onto a conveyor belt like animals, placed in the showers and covered with boiling hot wax. To add insult to horrific injury, they are then branded with a sticker. As if this alone wasn't enough, they are often then placed in uncomfortable styrofoam trays, pegged down with tight cellophane in with complete strangers, without any food or drink, often for days on end.

After much waiting, half-starved and much disoriented, a pack of veggies will be picked, and after yet another bumpy ride (probably causing much bruising) they are placed in a freezing cold, dark box, where the only light (ironically) is emitted as a result of their tormentor opening the door in order to steal away their fellows. Many fall dead ... though those are the lucky ones. Then finally, strange aliens come, and pick them up, and in some strange religious ritual, peeling the skin off to offer to their cylindrical, metallic deity, thrown into a burning skillet and fried alive with thick soy sauce thrown on top which only intensifies the burning pain. They beg for it all to be over and alas they are finally eaten. Another valuable life lost to omnivorous bastards.

Common misconceptions

Just look at him, staring up at you with those
huge doleful eyes. How could you?
1. Plants can't feel pain.
They DO!
2. Plants can't feel emotion.
They DO!
3. Plants aren't alive when we eat them.
They ARE!
4. Animals are living too.
No they AREN'T!
5. What about being a Vegetarian?
Don't be STUPID!
6. Why do you always end with caps?
I DON'T. DON'T BE a pussy!

Why being a carnivore is more ethical

While plants are terribly sensitive and suffer greatly while consumed, animals are impervious to pain. Go ahead and slaughter animals and chew on their succulent meat. In fact, go find a dog and kick it until your heart's content. Just leave the poor plants alone. Eating meat is also really great for the environment. Every time you consume an animal, there is one less creature eating innocent plants. The world must be rid of those animals torturing all those crops for no good reason.

What you can do to help

March in front of the United Nations in protest of this horrible action. If you scream loud enough, preferably yelling "I'm going to blow up this stupid tall thick building!" (Yes, that is very much related to carnivorism. Yes, that is a word. Now shut up.) then kind, friendly people will come out, maybe even give you a fancy suit, and send you off to a nice happy place for the rest of your life. Obviously, you will still be able to freely work for the carnivore cause as prisons cater to immoral vegetarians.

How to be a carnivore

All you need to do is, quite simply, avoid any contact with plants at all. Take care not to step on any either – you don't want to cause any more deaths. Obviously, your diet will consist of meat, meat, more meat and vitamins, to supplement your malnutrition-inducing diet. Don't forget the drinks, whatever you do – dehydration is a very nasty way to die. What do you mean, so's malnutrition? I thought I told you to shut up?

Some people think it is moral to eat soil as a supplement. Soil is full of innocent bacteria. While tiny, that doesn't mean they don't suffer while being chewed.

Anyway, milk, meat broth and blood are delicious replacements for your customary morning orange juice (more like fruit bloodbath), and don't forget cow's foot jelly for a tasty teatime snack!

Avoid, at all costs, watching vegan YouTube videos, as this is really just snuff gore porn.

Help. I'm dying. You bastard.

That's what you get for eating plants. Shush now. You're going to go to a happier place.

Cream of the Crap
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