Banana split

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“Sounds painful!”

~ Ron Jeremy on Using "Banana Split" as a term for an STD

Since the beginning of time itself, Man has yearned to split the banana. It wasn't until the dawn of the second half of the 20th Century that Man finally developed the necessary technological wizardry. Also, it wasn't until the dawn of the first half of the 21st Century that Man suddenly realized that "splitting the banana" is a popular euphemism for masturbation and became somewhat embarrassed.

The first banana gets splitten[edit | edit source]

On Thursday, January 18, 1951 (8:47 PM EDT), at the secret high-energy laboratory of the University of Wossamotta, Ernest Rutherfordium, after many years of failed attempts, used a primitive nuclear-powered banana splitter to successfully divide asunder one (1) adequately ripe unpeeled Chiquita™ in a lengthwise manner. Surprisingly, there was no detectable release of deadly radiation (or any other form of energy) from the historic event. However, the banana's half-life was measurably reduced by approximately 73%.

Lolol... no measureable radiation but the half-life decreased? Contradiction. Douche.[1]

The first split banana gets eaten[edit | edit source]

In a further experiment, the bisected fruit was test-fed to the laboratory's test subject Bobo the Gorilla. Against all expectations, Bobo survived and subsequently lived a healthy gorilla-life for many gorilla-years, until she was unexpectedly felled by an artificial Twinkie™ in 1977.

The joy of banana splitting[edit | edit source]

Today, bananas are regularly split by the billions and billions in immense fully-automated banana splitting industrial complexes in Honolulu, earning the state of Hawaii billions and billions of dollars annually.

Split bananas have proved to be far more useful than ordinary unsplit bananas. For example, a split banana tends to attract at least five times as many fruit flies than an unsplit banana, which is an unexpected boon to godless evolutionists who study mutations in fruit flies. Also, split bananas have a 67% greater affinity to vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce and artificial non-dairy dessert toppings than the unsplit variety.

The morality of banana splitting[edit | edit source]

Indisputable proof that it is possible to clone a banana.

In April 2005, genetic engineers determined that it is feasible to clone a pre-split banana. However, the citizens of Hawaii have recently introduced a bill in Congress to outlaw all unethical research involving any form of tropical fruit, for some strange reason.

As a result pre-split banana clones went black market with an estimated value of OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAND dollars. Recent research has, instead, focused on the possibility of harvesting the split banana's valuable stem cells while nobody is looking.

Foot note[edit | edit source]

  1. See Wikipedia: Banana equivalent dose

See also[edit | edit source]