Five day banana

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“The combination of the words, Five, Day, and Banana”

~ Captain Obvious on Five Day Banana


~ Justin Timberlake on Himself

“Completely unrelated to this topic”

~ Seven million eskimos on the last quote

A Five day banana is an obscure term used to denote nothing in particular, but definitely not a five day banana (not even a four day one). Similar to terms such as 'it', 'that', 'thing', 'it', 'stuff' and 'it'. Five Day Banana is also the name of an unsuccessful heavy metal/classical music/mime band, who were not successful because the problem of trying to make the three musical genres work gave each band member a spontaneous aneurysm. Only the band's manager, Captain Kirk escaped, fleeing to Mexico to become an armadillo.

Origin Of The Term[edit | edit source]

Usage of the term Five Day Banana has not yet started. Since God has also not yet been created, this has led some people (who have not yet been born either) to hypothesize that God is a Five Day Banana. When God was never asked about this, he didn't reply, "Not yet." It is unknown what this doesn't mean.

It has not yet been thought that usage of the term Five Day Banana will begin as soon as the author finishes creating this article, since nobody knows that the author is creating this article. Since nobody knows what has happened to the author at this point, it is equally valid that the author may well be dead, and is possibly Schrödinger's cat. Despite the author's well-being or lack thereof, the article is being written, proving the existence of cat zombies.

Significance Of The Number Five[edit | edit source]

See 'FDB Mathematics'.

Replacement Of 'Day' or 'Banana'[edit | edit source]

The length of the period of time you mention indicates the significance of whatever you are referring to. 'Day' is the standard measurement, used to indicate that you have paid attention to said noun/adjective/verb/explosive kidney transplant, but do not share an overly personal relationship with it. Words such as "minute" or "second" show that you care deeply, whereas a 'Five Century Banana' is as unimportant to you as cancer victims are to polar bears.

For added confusion, you may replace the word 'banana' with other foods, such as 'orange', 'table', 'nun or 'soul'. Similar to the replacement of the word 'day', replacing the word 'banana' shows how delicious the thing you are referring to is. In order of decreasing mouthwatering edibility, your options are:

1. Soul 2. Uranium 3. Lychee 4. Nuns 5. Banana 6. Parentheses 7. Orange 8. Table 9. Pubic Hair

Notice that, once again, 'banana' dictates ordinary taste levels. If you care very much about something extremely delicious, such as penguins, then your phrase of choice would be 'Five Minute Uranium' or something similar. If you hate something that isn't significant at all, then you're lying to yourself, as 'hate' indicates that it is significant to you. You should fuck off.

The 1978 Banana Revolution[edit | edit source]

It is not advised to completely remove the word banana, as racial segregation inevitably leads to civil war. A classic case is the 1978 Banana Revolution, started when a Portuguese immigrant mispronounced 'Friday' as 'Five Day'. A nearby banana crushed the woman's skull, though it is not known how, due to a banana's inherent soft, mushy, delicious insides. Nevertheless, the death sparked immediate retribution, with the Portuguese Army invading the ocean, where most of the soldiers drowned. Those that survived, however, swam to Australia, where they ate countless bananas.

Only after intervention by the USA (Untied Shoelaces of Antelopes) was the war stopped, by which time exactly 3,000,000 bananas were eaten. This, of course, contradicts the claim that the banana casualties were 'countless', as made above. The author was sentenced to death, but when authorities opened his door, the author's quantum state collapsed and he died. The cat was buried in space one week later.

The Portuguese prime minister at the time, Alfredo Jorge Nobre da Costa, was unavailable for comment, due to him secretly being a potato, and thus unable to speak to reporters.

In Poetry[edit | edit source]

“Five Day Banana,
Nonsensical gibberish,
I slept with your wife.”

~ A haiku

“My Five Second Soul,
Will you marry me? Please say yes,

~ Another haiku
Eskimos sleep, huddled before a fire,

Never suspecting their deaths, creeping up, imminent,
The FDB strikes, decimating the resting Jedi,

Even Jedi eskimos are no match for the Five Day Banana”
~ Some weirdo on acid

“I like bananas.”

~ A monkey on bananas and the liking thereof


~ Eight on Two

In Space[edit | edit source]

The first Five Day Banana space shuttle was launched at 7am, August 15, 2003. It was caught later by police and made to pay child support, the avoiding of which is presumed to have been the purpose of the flight. The second shuttle passed by Pluto on February 30, 2005, where it engaged in a ferocious gunfight with the local residents. After throwing rifles at each other for half an hour, both sides had tired arms, and the FDB shuttle left the galaxy with no further delay and no hard feelings.

This heading has no point[edit | edit source]

Side Effects[edit | edit source]

Invoking the name of the Five Day Banana has adverse medical effects, such as epilepsy, sudden sex changes or having your digestive switched around so you must eat through your anus and excrete matter through your mouth. For this reason, explosions are way cool.

Mentioning a Five Day Banana in church is fine, as it implies that whatever you are talking about is suitable only for God to hear. Thus, as long as you mention it as a prayer, you will avoid any glares, criticism or crusades. Several church hymns even mention Five Day Bananas, such as 'The Lord Thy Fruit' and 'Five Ultimate, Corporeal Kings of Christianity' (popularly referred to as FUCK Christianity).

Misusing the alternate terminology may cause emotional distress. For instance, if your wife found out that you referred to her as a Five Year Lychee, then she may take offense, as that would imply that you don't care about her, just how she tastes. Calling her a Five Decade Pubic Hair would doubtless lead to a divorce, as then you can't even base the relationship on oral sex.

“And I say also unto thee, That thou art a Five Second Soul, and upon your cock I will build our relationship.”

~ Jesus on oral sex

FDB Mathematics[edit | edit source]

See 'Significance Of The Number Five'.

Commercial Use[edit | edit source]

The company FDB entered the stock market just five days after coming into existence, whereupon the stock crashed because no-one could tell what the CEO talked about in his speeches, partly due to the ambiguity of the term, and partly because he did not have a tongue. No further attempt has been made to sell FDB-related products, aside for FDB prostitutes. FDB prostitution is only legal in Vatican City, since the Pope wanted the free publicity gained from allowing holy prostitution, and decided that FDB prostitution couldn't do anything bad.

He was wrong.


In Court[edit | edit source]

FDB vs Barack Obama[edit | edit source]

27.12.09 - Obama claims FDB has been harassing him after losing the election to John McCain. Claim was dismissed due to the fact that Obama won the election. Republicans stated that Obama was going insane, until Obama personally bitch-slapped every single one of them.

4.6.10 - Obama claims again that FDB has been harassing him, and is going to kill his family. When confronted with the evidence, FDB replied he was not going to kill Obama's family, as FDB's crack squad of ninja amputees had killed his family earlier that day. Claim was dismissed.

FDB vs A Cactus[edit | edit source]

13.7.09 - FDB claims cactus is spiky. Cactus agrees. Jury fails to see relevance.

FDB vs Himself[edit | edit source]

31.10.08 - FDB claims he stole his own car. Evidence was provided, and the car was later found on FDB's property, with tyre marks leading directly from FDB's house. FDB was sent to jail for 16 years, but escaped with the help of a parachute, a cross-dressing midget and a great recipe for Wagyu beef, onion and pool table lasagna. American police made no attempt to recapture FDB, as FDB told them he was dead.

See also[edit | edit source]

Unless you're blind.


External Links[edit | edit source]