Troy

“I thought he was with you.”

~ Homer

Troy is in Turkey, and got lost there a couple millennia ago.

History

Troy was a byproduct of Homer from Grease and Virgil from some Italian place. They were apparently thinking about food when they sent him off to college, because he ended up in Turkey. Like typical parents, they were constantly at war with their child. They were always getting on him for not attending family reunions, not paying rent, and worst of all, living with his girlfriend Cleopatra. This was entirely unacceptable since he had been raised in a homosexual household that strongly opposed heterosexual marriage, though it's unclear how Troy came into existence in the first place considering his fathers' views on women.

In Troy's defense, he really had it pretty awful. He was cursed with two fathers, both of whom were obsessed with food and probably overweight. He also had a huge bill from his apartment that he simply couldn't afford on top of his tuition. His parents really did at least owe him something to help fund his education. And his girlfriend...well, there wasn't an excuse for that, but there didn't need to be. She was just that great.

Troy grew up in the age of the Spartans and attended school with some of the best athletes around. He was so good at sports that he got to play several times in the Olympics. In those days, if you weren't good, you never got to play again, usually due to minor problems such as getting eaten by bears or lions. The object was not to get eaten, and he was pretty good at not getting eaten. In fact, he was pretty good at not doing lots of things. Not paying his rent and not attending family reunions, for instance.

Legend of Troy

According to the legend, titled "The Ill Lad", it's said that Homer and Virgil got very mad with Troy for being so good at not doing things that they sent their second son Odysseus to set him straight. Odysseus brought along his best chums Achilles and Agamemnon, as well as his merman boyfriend Poseidon.

Odysseus wasn't being particularly kinder to him that day than any other day, and of course, Achilles and Agamemnon played along and pretended to hate him as well. Poseidon got a little carried away with Troy, though, and Odysseus got pretty jealous.

Odysseus got so jealous of his brother that he constructed an executable file with malicious code, programmed it inside of a picture of a horse, and uploaded it to Flickr. The next day, Poseidon was hanging out with Troy and said, "Hey man, why don't we go online and surf the Internet?" This seemed like fun, so Troy agreed. They looked at some popular chariots and checked the price of copper. Poseidon loved horses, so he suggested they look at pictures of horses. Troy wasn't really into horses, but his girlfriend was out for a long walk to reconsider their relationship. So he had nothing better to do. After searching the Internet for a few minutes (search engines were much slower in those days. You thought dial-up was slow, you should try carrier pigeons!) they found a very pretty horse.

"I want that one!" shouted Poseidon. "Email it to me!" So, in downloading the picture in order to email it to Poseidon, Troy, who had no anti-virus software installed, contracted the very first horse-related virus. This is how the book "The Ill Lad" got its name. Troy broke out into a very terrible fever with some upper respiratory problems. This lasted nearly as long as Troy did once it happened. Poseidon received the email and contracted the infection as well, but not being human he was immune to it. He responded to Troy's email with "Hey, thanks, Dude!" and left the picture of the horse attached. The second infection is what did Troy in.

On the way home, Odysseus was just beginning to have his own problems, too. In his rage against Poseidon, he accidentally knocked Agamemnon off the chariot and trampled him with it, and he tripped Achilles, who died from a twisted ankle. On a positive note, a girl named Athena was watching him do these manly things and her eyes sparkled so brightly that he fell in love with her. So, one person lived happily ever after, anyway.

Losing Troy

Losing Troy was very difficult for Cleopatra. He meant the world to her, and she would get her revenge on Odysseus if it was the last thing she did. She went and built a giant pyramid-shaped spaceship and created a stargate through which she would someday destroy Odysseus and all mankind.

While she was busy building this stargate, the town dead-person collector came through and lifted Troy's corpse onto the cart. After that, he went wherever it is dead people go when they get collected by the dead-person collector.

Search for Troy

Unfortunately, no one knew for millennia where the dead-person collector had been putting all the dead people. This meant that certain warped people trying to find corpses would spend most of their lives and other people's lives looking for that place. After a few millennia, several tons of dynamite, and several lawsuits filed by archaeologists who saw the dynamite as harmful to excavations of historical artifacts, someone finally realized Troy hadn't been buried in Mongolia. It's too bad no one discovered this sooner, as lots of lives and residences could have been spared. However, they did find a few cool things that were buried in Mongolia, like Velociraptor.

Finding Troy

One day, someone finally figured out the exact location of the dead-person collector's drop-off site. it was buried under a mile or so of sandstone, and no one's really sure how he got all that sandstone there himself, but it was extraordinarily well-preserved. Upon opening the giant tomb, lots of evil spirits were released that had been infected with the plague of Troy's horse. These spirits escaped and immediately infiltrated all kinds of servers worldwide, and now Troy's horse can be accessed on 5 out of every 6 websites.

Tips

If you contract Troy's horse, you will note the following symptoms:

• Upper respiratory problems
• High fever
• A new hatred toward horses
• Death
• Death of loved ones
• Death of all those around you
• Death of all those around all those around you

The wave of death typically lasts about 6 rounds or less. There are only 7 links of friendship between any two given people in the world, so an 8th wave of the plague would have to evolve to spread to animals or aliens or plants or something.

The only cure for Troy's horse is to have a computer doctor come remove the malware. You can protect yourself by installing a good anti-virus package and eating lots of vitamin B12, or by switching operating systems. Linux and Mac users are immune to most infections.