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“My client has no comments at this time”

~ Asbestos' lawyer on Asbestos
In 2006, Philip Morris replaced their most popular product with one slightly less carcinogenic.

Asbestos is an extremely flammable mineral that is vital to the function of all living things, according to studies by the U.S. government. Some idiots with long hair and dirty fingernails claim that asbestos destroys the environment, kills rainbows and is made of dead orphans. Well, it turns out that the joke's on them! Those who say that asbestos is lethal die from cancer three months later. DON'T FUCK WITH ASBESTOS. Seriously.

Uses of Asbestos[edit | edit source]

  • Gas mask. If you suspect there may be deadly chemicals in the air, just use some handy asbestos as a makeshift mask to filter the deadly chemicals in the air, leaving only pure oxygen.
  • Food topping. Studies have shown that not only does asbestos quicken digestion, cure AIDS and lower blood pressure, it actually cleans and straightens your teeth!. Liberally sprinkle it on top of your favorite dish!
  • Mining. Asbestos mining is one of the most lucrative and rewarding enterprises anywhere in the world. It doesn't even need any special equipment to extract! Asbestos can be harvested from any grassy knoll, so head out to a park near you!
  • Water. Asbestos is, contrary to unpopular belief, the main substance in water. And we all know water is essential to life on the planet.
  • Smoking Asbestos. This is a proven cure for Nicotine addiction. Note: Side effects may vary. Some include cancer, vomiting blood, homosexuality, excruciating pain, death, wearing tracksuit pants, death, domestic violence and re-death.
  • Insulation. Asbestos will keep you warm in winter and cool in summer. Asbestos is your friend.
  • Building materials. Makes excellent durable wall panelling. Does not rot or burn. Can be easily sawn to the required size, and sanded prior to painting with lead paint. Any residual dust can be easily cleaned up with a blast of compressed air.

How to Make Asbestos[edit | edit source]

Your normal everyday water

Asbestos is made of a fine blend of water, iron, calcium, pure cancer, rocking guitar riffs, dead orphans and Madden NFL games. Simply combine these ingredients, then throw it into a volcano. When the volcano inevitably burps out the whole sordid mess, freeze it to a temperature of absolute zero for exactly twenty-three days. This process will produce the magic that is asbestos.

Effects of Asbestos on Humans[edit | edit source]

Asbestos is a highly addictive substance often depicted in movies such as Robo Cop, Over The Hedge and Show Girls. It has been known to induce the same effect on humans as the Tyra Banks Show, including vomiting, violence, incredible urges to perform interracial BDSM, nausea, lawsuits and, once again, death. This must however not be confused with classic Naomi Campbell syndrome, which mainly consist of vomiting, violence, incredible urges to perform interracial BDSM, nausea, lawsuits and mood swings. Leading scientists have theorised that combining asbestos with Naomi Campbell will unleash enough violent energy to destroy the Midwest.

Asbestos has an unusual smell, which everyone is encouraged to experience by sniffing some of it. One sniff and you'll agree: "Mmmmmm, smells weird!"

Known asbestos heads (or ass-heads) include OJ Simpson, Courtney Love, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Kermit The Frog and Hurricane Katrina.

Recorded statements by ass-heads:

“It's not easy being green. What? I'm green? Fuck!”

~ Kermit the Frog on asbestos

“New Orleans? Who?”

~ Hurricane Katrina on asbestos

“Fuck Kurt, man. It used to be about the music.”

~ Cookie Monster on asbestos, and possibly Kurt Cobain

“I are eat asbestos...........*Hack* *Cough* *Anal Bleeding*”

~ Retarded Kid on asbestos.....dammit, someone call an ambulance.

Although these are known drug users, even seemingly benign sectors of society are not safe from the horrors of asbestos.